Should i expose the affair, or?

[Swabby]

MrBond:

Thanks, truly, for cutting to the heart of things, its something that believe it or not, does really help.

I'm trying to change, for my own benefit, as i don't like the person i become over the years at all. Rally looking at the things i did i didn't like, and trying to change them is one of my major motivators right now, not dwelling in them, but trying to realize them for what they were, and figuring out how to change them internally.

I can trace it back, and you are right, there definitely was a time when it was less emotionally "charged" or "heated", and i would try, but often not for very long before i would let my work interfere. This is still something i ruminate on now in trying to "fix" that behavior.

I did do it to myself. Hindsight is almost always 20/20, and i can see how i created my own issues through my non-action and disconnection during times of stress.

No, my validation is more through physical touch, not really sex, but the hugs, kisses, etc. which stopped years ago from her end. She would reciprocate, but rarely come to me that way. This was different for the first few years, for sure, and i know this is also something thats a result of me pushing her away from what she needed.

I know its no impossible to focus on other things, but i'm still trying to learn how to deal with it as it comes up at random times throughout my day. Do you focus on it for a set amount of time, then move on, or push it away... So many different things pop up during a day, and sometimes its less, sometimes more. Being away from home would make you think it would help, but it doesn't/hasnt, its only given me more time to think, grieve, etc. That in and of itself is good, i know, as the grieving and such helps to bring upon the healing, but it is hard being away from family and friends while going through it.

Something came in email today from one of the other sites i've perused that hit home:

...

She told me this last night via a phone call, the "I fell out of love with you". Its still a crushing thing to hear coming from someone you've spent so much time with over the years, shared goals, visions, etc.

I'm sticking firm to my LRT, but i'm trying to determine wha the right level of contact is going to be with her, as I still feel drawn to discuss and work things out, but from experience, know it just makes things worse.

I'm being "business" about everything now, or trying to as much as possible, without being a "dick". Its now about splitting things up, determining child support, alimony, and all the legal stuff that goes along with breaking apart two peoples lives.

We have a MC appointment when i get back in a few weeks, our first together. I've been seeing the husband, she's been seeing the wife, of a married counseling couple. I'm hoping to stay strong, and resilient, but still allow her to see my sorrow and pain in what i've done so she can start on a path to healing. I really DO want her to be happy, and if its over, it is, i just didn't like the way things progressed with an A muddying things up so much.

[Swabby]

So i've made the final decision to not really tell anyone about the A, but i am having some doubts, and thoughts that i just need to get out on "paper" here.

Been listening to lots of self help audio, re-reading DB, etc. One thing that keeps popping up, is the EA and the addictiveness of it all for my W.

I'm trying VERY hard to not let that bother me, and i honestly have my good hours, and bad ones as well. I'm trying to see them for what they are, fears, and thoughts that are trying to run my emotions. This has helped some, but i also allow myself to experience them when i'm in an appropriate and safe place.

Is there techniques that others have found worked for them to get through the "triggers" and times that you suddenly get hit by these emotions?

I've also been dancing back/forth between two ways of approaching our marriage when i'm back in a few days.

1) LRT/180: Completely just move forward and away from my wife. Don't be vindictive, mean, etc. But also don't try to be in our relationship as a couple any longer. Set my boundary for the A clearly. Set things into motion for a separation/divorce and stick firm to it.

2) ...

Both have valid approaches, yet both are also very different in their approach for my healing, and the possible reparation of my relationship with my wife.

I'm working on myself regardless, and trying to be a better me no matter what. I just don't want to do things that may push my wife further away during these next 5 months we're still in the same house together, A or not.

Advice?

[Swabby]

I guess one of the things that i am fearful for, and not quite ready for yet, is filling out the paperwork for a separation or Divorce.

In some weaker moments over the past few months, i have gotten emotional, and printed out the forms for both, presenting them to her, to make it "real".

Both times are things i wish i could now take back, but its out there now, and I'm not sure how to step backwards without looking indecisive and unsure.

I know she's looking to deal with getting things filled out (she's a planner, and trying to move this fast to get out of the M and on to her R with OM), but i'm not wanting to do things that will further cause rifts and make it harder for possible R.

[DaddyLongShanks]

I guess one of the things that i am fearful for, and not quite ready for yet, is filling out the paperwork for a separation or Divorce.

In some weaker moments over the past few months, i have gotten emotional, and printed out the forms for both, presenting them to her, to make it "real".

Both times are things i wish i could now take back, but its out there now, and I'm not sure how to step backwards without looking indecisive and unsure.

I know she's looking to deal with getting things filled out (she's a planner, and trying to move this fast to get out of the M and on to her R with OM), but i'm not wanting to do things that will further cause rifts and make it harder for possible R.

Maybe you don't have a shot at a real R until you break up. And both grow and you will not tolerate certain BS's anymore, and will hold your partner more accountable and demand more respect.

It takes years for a WAS to have true regrets if they are going to have them. That's why I'm not so sure you should "wait" on a WAS...

[Starsky309]

When a woman is wayward and unrepentant, she doesn't want to hear those things. If that's ..., I think the words ("I have boundaries, and will not tolerate an affair") would fly in the face of your actions (trying to convince her of your worthiness).

It's the ol' "Pick Me! Dance," and it doesn't work. In DBing terms, it's PURSUIT.

Starsky

[Ontheup]

Hey Swabby

I do agree with Starsky. You have to stop doing the pick me dance. Your wife has gone. She is not coming back by you pursuing, pleading, begging or whatever. Its natural to do that. Everyone says they wont but when it comes to it you do. You beg plead, demand anything to get her back. I did it for 6 months before I found out about the affair when my wife told me she was done and continued to do it after I found out! why? Why did I think so little of myself that I would beg a woman who has treated me like [censored] to come back to me? Don't get me wrong. I still miss her and entertain the idea of wanting her back still but NO WAY will I ever beg her or anyone ever again. It just shatters any self respect you have left. Your wife or any woman just sees that as pathetic. not attractive what so ever. Remember why your wife found you attractive in the 1st place, I bet it wasn't because you begged and pleaded her. I bet it was because you were funny, confident, interesting, cool..... yeah?
You don't have to give up on your marriage but you do need to find the man you were. what have you got to lose? you've already lost her. My sitch has become easier since I moved out and gave up the begging and pleading doing the pick me dance. I don't talk about our M, R her affair us nothing. I am friendly, confident, funny, and a great dad and im doing just fine living on my own. In the words of Robx and others "Let them go" let her have what she wants. She wants out, so let her have that. If she has it and then further down the line thinks "sh1t wtf have I done, I never really wanted this" then who knows you might be that cool interesting confident man that she first fell in love with and want to resolve the marriage if that's what you still want to do. If she doesn't and she continues her path then so be it. You will still be the cool confident man and you will meet someone else who thinks the same and wants you (yes you will). Its so hard, I know. Im going through it as well. Its hell but the most important thing to grasp is you cant control your wife. You can only control you. don't live in fear. You will be great with or without your wife.

[Ontheup]

just for a laugh

...

this guys vids are very funny. Made me laugh anyway. Might cheer you up


**I agree that it is very funny, I can't allow it to be posted, per forum agreement ** Cristy

[Swabby]

hahahaha. Thanks for that Ontheup, that was pretty funny, and in times like this, laughing is ALWAYS called for....

And i am finding him again, and its like looking at someone i haven't seen in a long time in the mirror. I'm not always as confident, but each day does bring a little more strength, especially with the support found here.

I'm definitely past the begging stage (thank god) in large part due to the DB book, this forum and a few coaching sessions.

...

I've been thinking a LOT on the detachment, and i can't wait to get back home so i can be in my space, and really be in the place to do it in my comfortable surroundings.

[DaddyLongShanks]

When a woman is wayward and unrepentant, she doesn't want to hear those things. If that's ..., I think the words ("I have boundaries, and will not tolerate an affair") would fly in the face of your actions (trying to convince her of your worthiness).

It's the ol' "Pick Me! Dance," and it doesn't work. In DBing terms, it's PURSUIT.

Starsky

This nails it.

[Swabby]

Heading back on my flight from New Zealand in a few hours after being gone for 3 weeks. Looking forward to being home again, especially so i can get back to me regular life!

Thanks for the advice all, going to definitely just keep moving forward with myself. If she changes, i'll still be doing that. It would need to be consistent for awhile for me to think about trying at our M right now.

See you all on the flip side!