Maybell XXXIII: Towanda!!!!

[Maybell]

You'd think that after all these months I'd know that when I bristle it's because I've heard truth.

So I've been nursing a hurt since yesterday, about STBX saying it was worth keeping a couple of snapshot albums from our engagement because it has picture of our families in it.

Then there was the credit card thing.

I had been thinking that it was odd, how everybody else seems to get these tirades from their WAS, and I rarely do. I got a little bit last Mothers Day and at Christmas and that's it. But I do get a lot of these horrible, hurtful, needle-like digs where he's intentionally devaluing me, quietly and deniably. It hurts. I know I'm trying for indifference, but it does make me feel like I threw myself away for 17 years on someone who thinks I'm trash.

I am not trash. I have done the best I could, and I did it with the intention of behaving with integrity. I do not need to hurt the way he seems to want to hurt me. That's his, not mine.

Zues's post about "they know not what they do" comes in to play here. STBX probably does think he's behaving really well under difficult circumstances. The fact that he's being gratuitously hurtful probably doesn't occur to him. He has always been thoughtless that way. It just never occurred to me that I would be included in the circle of people he treats carelessly. (So say women who are with men who have anger issues.)

He wants to meet monthly, alone, out, to talk about the kids. Do I really need to do this? Do other people have that sort of arrangement?

[Maybell]

1. My birthday is this week so I'm buying myself something that will make me feel beautiful. I haven't done a great job at self-care lately.

2. I don't need to be assuming STBX thinks I'm trash because of his comment about the pictures. He did love me once. A lot. He ought to feel guilty for what he's done. His comments may reflect that more than the value of our marriage. Not my monkey, not my circus.

3. My housing situation will be resolved. We won't be homeless. Anything better than not homeless is a gift. Time to quit worrying about whether I get exactly what I want.

4. The marriage has been over for a while. He's just the guy I share my kids with. Time to start building my life on purpose. Past time, in fact, to move forward. I have some amazing plans in place. I know who I intend to be. No reason to procrastinate implementing.

5. I do not want to meet him monthly. He DID in fact hurt me a lot. That was real. Just because I choose to let go of the hurt does not mean I need to let him more closely into my life. We can meet every couple of months to talk about the kids. Everything else can be done by email or in a quick moment at handoffs.

6. It's not all about me. There are times when it's appropriate to be self-absorbed. Avoidance is unhealthy. But so is over-focusing. Time to change the balances in my life.

[labug]

Good work, MB.

Only involve yourself in his drama if you want that in your life.

[Underdog]

Okay, since we have next door neighbor birthdays, when is yours? My dad's is Wednesday and mine is in a week. We'll celebrate together!

Love the self care birthday present idea. Fabulous!

But this has got to be the most earth shattering thing you wrote:

I don't need to be assuming STBX thinks I'm trash because of his comment about the pictures. He did love me once. A lot. He ought to feel guilty for what he's done. His comments may reflect that more than the value of our marriage. Not my monkey, not my circus.

I'm striking the middle sentence because it contains the word "ought", which is a kissing cousin to the word I hate the most: should. These are expectations on others. Face it, you hate when your mom uses that word with you, so strike it from your vocabulary, unless the word is used with the pronoun "I". Otherwise, this is amazing growth, MB.

The rest of your post is positive as well. It's minus the anxiety of living in the future, and this looks good on you. Wear more of it!

Towanda!

[Maybell]

My birthday is Thursday.

I meant, his comment about the pictures might more accurately reflect guilt over how he treated me than what he actually thinks of me personally.

Last night my mom was complaining that he'd never called them since he left me. I don't know why that would upset her. I wish it weren't all about her so much of the time. And she's complaining about how her retirement community leisure schedule is so full that it all makes her feel like it's too much (they've lived there five months). She wears me out.

[Underdog]

Ohhh, well, Thursday will be the start of something new for you!

After reading what you say about your mom, she sounds self absorbed with a healthy dose of narcissism thrown in for good measure. I'm not diagnosing her as a narcissist, as I'm not qualified to diagnose a fly. But there is enough here that makes me hope you have read up on this behavior?

Narcissists cannot manage shame, so they deflect, not caring where the shrapnel strikes. Think about that for a bit, and connect the dots with her inability/unwillingness to accept responsibility for how she feels and your willingness until recently to let the shrapnel hit you without learning defensive combat tactics for unfair warfare. A bulletproof vest works for the surprise deflections, but there are long term strategies to avoid these kinds of attacks.

Anyway, she sounds like someone whose glass is half empty on top of that. Apparently, she hasn't figured out how to balance her own life so it's easy to complain.

Getting back to your comment that wishing it weren't all about her all the time is like someone in Seattle wishing the weather there was more like San Diego. There is little anyone can do about it without her wanting to see the truth for herself and do something about it. Probably not gonna happen. I've worked in hospice long enough to say that unhappy people just get worse with the aging process. She's not going to get nicer or more positive, and she's probably not going to all of a sudden gain enlightenment how she could be a better mom to you without putting forth a great deal of effort.

So what strategy can you employ to fortify yourself when you have to talk to her or see her? Can we help you with that?

My mom's blind spot was my brother. I'd say that 95% of our disagreements came when we discussed my drug addicted brother and his antics. She's a classic enabler, which got into her marriage and if anyone dared criticize her choices, she raged. I've been the object of that rage from time to time. In the early days, I'd just be so hurt that I'd cry for days. She'd resort to name calling and it would hurt me to the bone. As I worked my way through therapy, I discovered I had choices as well. I examined those options and figured out the best case scenario for me. Not having a relationship with my parents (which is otherwise close) was not a consideration.

My plan didn't work perfectly 100% of the time, but it worked well enough for me to learn how to respond and manage my own boundaries. I found my voice and my actions, and although it did not please her much, I honored myself and my feelings. It took awhile to make a plan, stick to it, find courage and keep that. I found an ally in my sister, and as a result, we are extremely close now.

Now that my brother has passed away, these issues are gone. She has admitted how she felt was often at odds with her choices, so I guess there's that. I'm not looking for her enlightenment nowadays, though. I'm merely plugging on with my own. There is so much to be said for taking personal power back. If it makes you feel better, it's only been within the last 10 years that I found my own power.

My mantra has been and probably will be to act in a manner and make choices where when I look back, I have no regrets. I'm not making the statement that they are perfect or aren't mistakes. The important thing is that I can look back and say with conviction that I made the best choice with the facts and resources I had at the time. That's all I can do.

So happy birthday week!

[Maybell]

I'll come back to the narcissist thing. Maybe tomorrow. I just want to take a minute to cry a little bit.

Today at work I was checking something on LinkedIn for my boss and I saw that STBX has a new connection. This person has nothing to do with his work and she looks a lot like the OW I know about.

You all can call me out for mind-reading but I think she's his new girlfriend.

And I don't care but I do care. Because today I was also proof-reading the draft of my separation agreement. And STBX has my kids tonight. And I don't know where I'm going to live or how the money is going to work or if this transition is going to drag out through another year of renting.

All I wanted from life was to have a home. A place I could build and nest in, grow from, call mine. I feel now like I've never, ever had my own place in the world. It used to be ok because I had my husband but now I see so clearly that that has been a lie for a long time.

I think I'm weeping for myself. For how much harder it is for me to get this one basic need met than it seems to be for other people. For how scared I am about all the uncertainty in the next four months. For how alone I sometimes feel. For how very, very tired I am. For the waste of the last seventeen years.

I haven't cried in several months but I cried yesterday and I'm crying today. I guess it's having the draft agreement. This is going to really happen. It wasn't al a ghastly mistake. I invested myself in a person who didn't care about me. I devalued my own self.

I don't need a man to get this need met but it would have been nice if STBX hadn't set up this awful situation when he already knew he'd been cheating on me for years. I want to scream at him just for that. I won't say anything. I'll let the separation agreement speak for me. I just hope it's enough to smooth my path.

I'm so afraid that I'm going to have to live in this house to sell it. I'm so tired already and if I have to live in it I don't know how I'll function.

I married a lousy liar. I'm paying for that a lot more than he is. How can I be a good enough person hat I never have to live through something like this ever again???

[raliced]

Maybell-

Looking at the papers will do that to you. I read mine carefully once - and then locked them away. I'm confident I did the right thing in regards to the divorce, bu wow, the day the child custody papers came through for me to sign, it gutted my heart to even see my children's names and ages listed in cold legalese.

As for STBX's new gf.... She may not be his new girlfriend, but even if she isn't, you need to be mentally prepared for this. From everything that you have written about your STBX, he sounds like he is ready to move on, probably sooner than later, and probably with more than one unlucky lady. I doubt anything will last very long - at least not at first.

You know all of this, and I'm confident tomorrow, you will dust yourself off and move forward.

You know what I see as a huge positive in your situation? That making a permanent home would give you so much happiness. Because I know, Maybell, that you will accomplish this. Yes, you may have to rent for a year. But you will get there. Time to start that Pinterest board about the dream home you are working towards.

Sorry...gotta run.

[claire7]

(((Hugs)))

You can do this. We are here to support you. There are some positives. .the chance to create your own home, all by yourself, without the shadow of your parents or stbx. For your kids.

Is it what you would have chosen? Probably not. But it is. Go ahead and cry...and then go ahead and make it great.

[Lorelai]

We are all here for you, Maybell. So sorry just now to read you were crying today. I know. I know. I've never been a big fan of Linkedin, always thought it was kind of lame. I'm only on there because everyone pretty much has to be now for career stuff. Hugs to you right now, and I'm so, so sorry Ugh. It's so obvious your husband and most of the WASs on here aren't thinking clearly. Thinking of you!