Well there's been some movement in Chez Chien today. That's House of Dog to those non French speakers.
WW came home early to 'have a discussion'. I apologised for losing it with her Saturday and then said when I come home I don't want you here. To which she said that's a good idea, that's fine.
I then said I hate what you’re doing. I wake up every night and cry: still, ten months later. I don’t want to say anymore. I was feeling pretty emotional at this point and wanted to leave but she called me back and we did discuss some logistical points but only after a bit of venting and finger pointing from both sides.
So I will come back every other weekend and she will take herself off. This week we will alternate evenings looking after the kids. When she came home at lunchtime today, I went to the music/cofffee shop round the corner and I'll do that again for each day. I'm just waiting now for her to go to her book club this evening.
I have also been to see solicitor for a brief chat. If WW is true to her word that she doesn't want to screw me for every penny and we can keep it civil he is hopeful that any settlement, financial or access would be fair. It put my mind at ease a little as far as some of the horror stories you hear about the H losing everything. It felt horrible sitting there explaining how my marriage has fallen apart. He was very sympathetic, a nice bloke. What I didn't ask was how much are his rates. To get them to do a divorce would be £1200 including the £400 fee charged by well, I don't know. That's what it would cost if I did it alone.
M: 57 / EW: 52 T: 21, M: 8 S: 18, S: 15 Bomb: 1 Jun 14 EA Aug 2014 I think PA Feb 2015 possibly sooner
OD, I'm glad you and your W have come to an agreement on the weekends and so on. That's a step forward from the limbo you're in, and will hopefully make things easier when you are home with your boys.
I think you'll just have to get used to the fact that she will take herself off to be with OM. But it's no bad thing for them to spend time together - plenty of time to get on each other's nerves and so on. Things need to run their course and the passion and fantasy will ebb away if their A is like most A's.
In the meantime, I think GG is right. It would be great if your exchanges with your W could be more upbeat and pleasant. Now you have a plan, maybe you can just stick to logistics and pleasantries - no R talk. Like GG says, some of these convos are 'nail in the coffin' territory, and you don't want to be there.
Glad to hear you sounding more upbeat anyway OD....x
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I don't think she'll ever return. In which case I never want to see her again. I don't even want to be in this house. It was never my home. When we first moved here I took that job down on the south coast almost immediately so it doesn't mean anything to me. It's rented, it's too small and now it's the place where she cast me off like some trifling amusement she's no longer interested in.
But on a positive note me and the boys just watched All You Need Is Cash, The Story of The Rutles. What a preFAB film :-)
Last edited by Old Dog; 03/30/1508:50 PM.
M: 57 / EW: 52 T: 21, M: 8 S: 18, S: 15 Bomb: 1 Jun 14 EA Aug 2014 I think PA Feb 2015 possibly sooner
I'm lying in bed thinking of the convo we had this morning and recalled this.
WW - OK I know you don’t want me to be here and it’s obviously too difficult for you to look at and OK, that’s fine but we cannot risk that (me swearing at her in anger - not good I know) happening again and the children looking at it and that being their experience.
OD - Why not, it happens? WW - Yeah it does happen because …
OD - They’ve got to find out. WW - Yeah OK, but I lived it when I was a kid.
OD - So why are you doing it now? WW - No it’s not about that.
OD - Yes it is. You’ve chosen this way. You’ve chosen to do this. You’ve decided this is what you’re doing. It’s your choice. WW - I’m not going down this route.
OD - It is entirely your choice. WW - It is something that has happened. It’s a dynamic between the two of us that had happened. I’ve had the bollox to come out and say no this isn’t enough.
OD - You haven’t had the bollox to fix it. You just left it and left it and left it and than haven’t had the bollox to try and do something about it. WW - At intervals throughout the marriage I’ve said …
OD - Said. We didn’t do anything about it. WW - Yeah I went to therapy once.
OD - That didn’t work out too well because it wasn’t the right therapist it didn’t … WW - Oh god OD how many times have I had this conversation? I’m not having this conversation.
OD - No, I don’t want it.
I got drawn into it a bit rather than STFU. And then I remembered and changed it abruptly to logistical arrangements.
But the interesting thing is her saying she lived it as a kid. Her elder brother was the apple of his mother's eye. He could do no wrong which made their father very jealous. Enough to take it out on her brother and have an affair (I think that's right). They survived the crisis and are still together. And yet she still can't see that you can work things out.
M: 57 / EW: 52 T: 21, M: 8 S: 18, S: 15 Bomb: 1 Jun 14 EA Aug 2014 I think PA Feb 2015 possibly sooner
OD... sorry you had that experience. But you've got to start letting go. Why would she want to work it out with someone who cuts her off, doesn't listen, dismisses her feelings? If you read this exchange from a different perspective, that's what you've done.
Work on you, OD. Become someone only a fool would leave. You can do this. We're rooting for you.
WW - Yeah, clearly you are angry. I know that you are angry, I know that you are hurt. Don’t think ever that I don’t know that you are hurt. Don’t think that it’s not going to stay with me. Don’t think that I’m OK with you being hurt. Do not … OD - Seems like it.
WW - No. OD - Seems like you couldn’t give a flying f*** about me.
WW - No it’s not that. It is not that. It’s not that and that is why I really really wanted to try to be able to have some communal life together. OD - No, that’s not going to happen.
WW - And it’s not going to happen and it was naive. But that’s not me thinking I don’t give a f*** about this person. OD - You don’t.
WW - Well you don’t know what I think or what I feel. OD - No, that’s true.
And then back to more logistical stuff.
Now, 17 hours later I'm thinking validation. I could have said "I'm sorry you're upset you have hurt me so much, that it's staying with you and that you're not OK with me being hurt. It must be hard for you to see me in so much pain".
That would have been funny.
Last edited by Old Dog; 03/30/1511:46 PM.
M: 57 / EW: 52 T: 21, M: 8 S: 18, S: 15 Bomb: 1 Jun 14 EA Aug 2014 I think PA Feb 2015 possibly sooner
Yeah I know Claire. I'm so bad at DBing ... still. I don't think I'll ever be able to do it.
Um... try to spin that around. the only way to get better at something is to actually practice it, and for that, you have to have the emotional and intellectual strength to pick yourself up when you fail and get back at it.
no one ever got good at something by giving up on it.
