Affair Over but Stuck

[Hurt06]

Sorry for the multiple questions but I'm trying to dial in on the true problem. My wife started out as a WAW, turned out she was having an A, A is over and now seems to going through a MLC. Obsessed with her looks.... Can anyone chime in and offer some insight into this roller coaster multifaceted issue?

[Sotto]

Hi Hurt - I don't think sending texts like that is a good idea. Her thinking you are moving forwards without her is what you are aiming for. Dropping her little texts confirm that you are thinking of her and don't achieve that aim.

Remember, you have been fired as her spouse. If you were fired from a job, would you hang around in reception, hoping they might offer the job back to you? No way - you'd be out there making plans for the next exciting step in your career...

Every time you feel like texting your W, why not pick someone else to contact and drop them a text to let them know you're thinking about them....

[Hurt06]

I'm watching for baby steps.....how will I know when she is more willing to work on reconciling ? She will text me after a few days of me being gone and seems hurt that I have not checked on her.
Example: "I hope your doing good" "how is work going"

I assume these are baby steps that she is wondering what I'm doing.

Comments please

[AJM]

I haven't caught up on the entire thread, so excuse me if you covered this already. You are aware that once an A is over, it takes time to rebuild the trust AND to get over the A, right?

Her wanting to go to counselling is a sign she isn't done trying. Apathy if the opposite of love and sometimes commitment is all there is for a while.

Maybe step back and take stock of what the situation is. What it is you want. How you see things getting there.

Just a thought.

AJ

[Zues126]

Hurt- have you read Sandi's post on WWs? Specifically the one where she discusses "what must happen prior to a restored M?"

I don't get the feeling from your WW that she is ready for R. I don't see that she has shown remorse for her actions, made any commitments, sought to find your ideas on ways she could regain trust, etc.

I see instead you "looking for signs". That means you are far from detached, and are in a very weak spot, desperately hoping for R. The problems with that is that you give her all of the control, control she will use to continue her WW lifestyle with no consequences.

I hope it works out, and I hope she is sincere. So let's get to it.

Has she apologized for the affair and recommitted to the M?
Has she agreed to do anything and everything she can to prove this to you?
Has she asked you what it would take to work through this, and what you'd need for a better M?

Frankly, has she done ANYTHING besides express some internal conflicts to keep you on the line?

Even if her A is over, if she's not desiring to be intimate with you, who is she dressing up for? Just because she was dumped doesn't mean she's not looking for a replacement, and using you for a plan B until she finds it or even WHILE she finds it.

Just doesn't seem like you're steering the ship, and when you put a WW behind the wheel you're in for a bumpy ride.

[Hurt06]

Hurt- have you read Sandi's post on WWs? Specifically the one where she discusses "what must happen prior to a restored M?"

I don't get the feeling from your WW that she is ready for R. I don't see that she has shown remorse for her actions, made any commitments, sought to find your ideas on ways she could regain trust, etc.

I see instead you "looking for signs". That means you are far from detached, and are in a very weak spot, desperately hoping for R. The problems with that is that you give her all of the control, control she will use to continue her WW lifestyle with no consequences.

I hope it works out, and I hope she is sincere. So let's get to it.

Has she apologized for the affair and recommitted to the M?
Has she agreed to do anything and everything she can to prove this to you?
Has she asked you what it would take to work through this, and what you'd need for a better M?

Frankly, has she done ANYTHING besides express some internal conflicts to keep you on the line?

Even if her A is over, if she's not desiring to be intimate with you, who is she dressing up for? Just because she was dumped doesn't mean she's not looking for a replacement, and using you for a plan B until she finds it or even WHILE she finds it.

Just doesn't seem like you're steering the ship, and when you put a WW behind the wheel you're in for a bumpy ride.

She is not dressing up for anyone and in fact hygiene has gone down, doesn't fix hair or shave exc. mostly sweatpants and t shirts...only recently she got a small job that requires a little clean up....and of course she looks nicer going to work.

Has she apologized for the affair and recommitted to the M? ( Yes, and she has voiced it multiple times and appears to be trying, appears very guilt ridden and has admitted how horrible I im hurting and she can never take it back or that it will be the same between us)
Has she agreed to do anything and everything she can to prove this to you?( she says she is committed and will do whatever it takes, actions have shown slightly different)
Has she asked you what it would take to work through this, and what you'd need for a better M? ( no )

[Hurt06]

Thank you for the insight, please keep it coming, it feels great to have some support!

[Hurt06]

I haven't caught up on the entire thread, so excuse me if you covered this already. You are aware that once an A is over, it takes time to rebuild the trust AND to get over the A, right?

Her wanting to go to counselling is a sign she isn't done trying. Apathy if the opposite of love and sometimes commitment is all there is for a while.

Maybe step back and take stock of what the situation is. What it is you want. How you see things getting there.

Just a thought.

AJ

What kinda time frame are we talking to get over the affair?....she hasn't thrown in the towel despite my occasional weaknesses....Apathy is an excellent description of where she is at. She says she is completely lost and has no idea who she is or how she got where she is and that her brain is all foggy and can't think straight about much of anything. She's showing major signs of depression in my opinion and has extreme hard time making any decisions whatsoever. I think she is afraid of making any decisions because she is afraid she will make another bad choice, yet the tension is so bad in our home it's stressing her out. I am trying to GAL and keep things as peaceful as possible. I think a lot of the tension is self induced by her guilt. She thinks she has physical ailments but the Doctors can't find anything wrong with her. She has tested high in Estrogen and has zero Progesterone, and thyroid levels are off. In addition cortisol levels are super high. There maybe something all of this affecting her ability to think clearly!


thoughts?

[MCS]

Hurt,

So, I see you are asking all of the questions that I have over the last 7 months. Here's the crux of it, it's not linear. She's still acting on how she feels at the moment. This is still something she needs to work through. For you, the biggest thing is to stay consistent. This is easier said than done and I have struggled with it.

For me, the A never seemed to pan out for WW, it never went public, he never left his GF, but all this time later I see only little signs from WW. I think she's still pursuing him or at least feels like she's still attached to him.IDK, but I can say since Oct. ive had 2 to 3 times I thought she was interested in R just to have her pull way back when it started to get "tough."

It's a roller coaster but hang in there. I see a lot of mind reading and making excuses for her. It's still her journey. SHE needs to make the steps to get back in. You pushing them will not have good outcomes. I know, I struggle just like you.

Appreciate everything, but expect nothing.

[Hurt06]

MCS

Thanks for the post. We are still in the same bed but no snuggling. She hugs and will kiss me when I have to leave for work, fixes my plate for dinner etc. it's a complete bag of mixed signals. That's what makes it hard, and I still occasionally catch her lying about stupid stuff. I never say that I already know the truth but I just tuck it into my notes. When someone lies as much as she does it's hard to define where the lies end and the truth begins about anything.

Trust but verify has turned up nothing to indicate that she is still talking to OM. Also got a text from OM's wife that he is very depressed and moping around posting heartbreak c$&p all over his FB. Makes me feel better that the B@stard is feeling pain and has lost his wife in all this. I know this is cold but somehow feels like justice.