Thank you V, Zues, Toots and Cadet for responding to these posts. I would also like Cat point of view. I will work hard to change these behaviors. V you have given me so much help and such a better way of looking at these things.
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
Interesting day today:) I had to wake up early to go to something for work. So had to tell W she would have to watch kids even though she worked all night. Since we don't talk or text much, I had not expected and texts when I got to town. Wrong! I got the text " when are you going to be home, I have to fill in for someone for work". I went about my day and at lunch with S, replied "don't know. Eating lunch with S". So I am assuming this is either a text to get under my skin or temp check text? Or she was nervous because I was going to town by myself. Of course when I did finally get home after doing my shopping, didn't say a word to me. Just finished her exercises and went to bed for her nap. She can be such a nice person sometimes!! LOL! Man the mood swings!!
Ever since I started GAL and detaching from her, she has begun to do the same thing!! It is weird!!
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
I am working on it. I am struggling with the best way to detach with my situation. Sometimes I think I am on the right track, sometimes not. I struggle to detach without ignoring W. Or without being cold.
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
Detatching is letting go of the outcome Joe. It is about being caring, loving, kind and letting others be, do, say as they are. Accepting them and their behaviour. Using your boundaries when what they do that which is unacceptable to you.
Cold and ignoring is not detatchment, cold is still affected by the outcome. Neutral is best. The so be it attitude, isn't that interesting!
If you are cold and ignoring then you are still affected. Perverse isn't it!
So let us ask a question of Joe. Select a behaviour of W (not a boundary infringement) which you would like to detatch. Something annoying but not a deal breaker. What would detatching feel like, sound like, look like, what would Joe be doing instead?
Listening to music, eating ice cream, going for a run?
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 03/30/1512:33 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
This detaching is something I need to work on. I may have misunderstood it some. I was focusing on waiting for her to start conversations, being scarce, doing my own thing. I also believe I was focusing to much on my W being WW. I may have had a "what you are doing is wrong attitude". I just felt like if I acted like a friend to her, I was not standing up for my boundary. It wasn't until I read what Sandi wrote to someone else about detaching, that I thought I might be doing it wrong.
Something annoying from W that I would like to detach from. I am having a hard time thinking of something. The only real things she is doing now that annoy me are the type of job she is doing and the amount of hours she spends doing it. The fact that she can never ask for time off or do anything with the family. I guess you could say, I have been detaching from her not doing much with the kids or all of us. I have tried to find things for the kids and I to do together. I have focused more attention to them.
When W ignores me, I find something with kids to do. I listen to music at night. I enjoy movies. I read self help books.
It is hard to think about any other things that are annoying right now. This job has taken over her whole life. She rarely leaves the house. She sleeps all the time. When she is suppose to be off work, she spends the whole time in her room writing blogs for her characters. I never see her really. She eats dinner and heads to her room to nap so she can work.
D11 birthday is at the end of the month. A company we deal with for work has a show on her birthday. They put us up in a hotel and have dinner and swimming in hot springs. The whole family can go. D11 really wants to go. It is like a mini vacation and they love to swim. W is stressing now because she works that night. She refuses to ask for the night off. As a matter of fact, she never asks for time off. So she thinks we should not sign up to go. Also seems angry at me because I told her she needs to figure out what she wants to do. I told her I thought we could all go together.
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
Finding things to do with the kids is detaching. It is letting go of WW joining you and letting her do her stuff.
Go with the kids to the weekender, have fun, if WW decides to go then ok, if not her loss. You guys have fun on D11 birthday. No fretting just decide and go.
"WW I have booked the weekender, it's fun for the kids, if you want to come along let me know , no hassle".
That is detatched, if she comes ok and if she does not ok. Detatched from the outcome, let W decide for W. You and the kids will have a great time, if anyone asks then "sadly WW has to work but hey it's great here and D11 is enjoying her birthday." Go have a terrific time and whilst you are there WW is losing out, be sad for that but detatched.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 03/30/1508:18 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
So can I tell my W that exactly how you put it? Do I get to call her WW? LOL!
I was kinda thinking that was how I was going to handle it. But I do know W has to take off one night already next month for a surgery. So in a way, I can understand her reluctance to ask for another night off. This has always been a struggle dealing with her work. Not just because of the issue with the type of work, but how everyone has to change their plans because of her job. We have to make sure we are home by a certain time when we go to town. Have to leave school activities early.
I am planning to take the kids to do some fun things in the next few months. W can come or stay home. Her choice. I will not allow her job to affect us going and doing things. Sometimes I think she expects us to just hang around the house because she can't do something. Not going to happen.
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
