Wife ready to walk away

[NH115]

Detaching is hard, and it won't be linear. You'll make progress and then have a setback. That's normal. Just keep at it. I'm 6 months in to my sitch and it's hard work.

One thing that helped me was, like you mentioned, when I realized that I didn't need her to be happy. If she makes the choice to leave, I'll grieve, but then I'll move on. As much as I want my W and I to reconcile, I'm actually a little excited about the possibility of getting to have my own life. My basic attitude about reconciliation is that I want my W back, but only if it's 100% back. Full marriage, full intimacy, full fidelity. I'm not interested in being married simply because the alternative is too scary.

[Miler]

Thanks NH115,
We went to counseling yesterday, and she continues to say she is done. I have detached to the best of my abilities. I validated her feeling in therapy, and the session ended well. Although we agreed not to go back to marital therapy, the counselor pointed out 2 important things. 1) she told my wife she appeared to be resentful, both towards me and towards life in general. She can't look for happiness from the marriage, because that's not a healthy expectation, but she needs to be happy and bring that into the marriage. 2). The therapist pointed out that my W and I are in two different places regarding the R and that she needed to be respectful and compassionate of me and where I am. My W acknowledged that she saw huge changes, which she thought were going to be great for my relationship with my kids. She hasn't filed for divorce yet, but would like to do so in the near future and discuss with me about a parenting plan and dividing assets, etc. I told her I would be happy to sit down and talk about that. Last night was very relaxed around the house...she actually made me a plate of dinner and put it at my seat at the table. We ate dinner as a family and then watched the Voice together (felt very normal). I took the boys upstairs to my BR to watch the Sweet 16 game and she cam up, only to say goodnight to the boys. I think it's over, which really give me a starting point to GAL, redefine myself, work on me, and look towards the future (whether ultimately that is with or without her).

[Miler]

Again today, she was very pleasant. She actually sat down on the couch and talked to me about an issue she was having with our D14. She made me dinner and even told me good night (for the first time in 2 weeks). I am guessing she senses that I am moving on and feels it's ok to be more relaxed. I did walk into her BR with my S6 to ask about something she had promised him earlier in the day...she was looking at apartments in town on the Internet. So...continue onward and upward in GAL. I have the boys tomorrow for sports, while she goes out of town with D.

[Miler]

Alright, I need some veteran input. The last week I have acted as if I am moving on, and I validated all of her concerns about our marriage...just about agreeing with everything g except the D. Over the last two days, she has been very nice, been texting about the kids, starting conversation, etc. she said in counseling on Thursday that she has a lawyer and is looking for a job and an apartment, but has not filed yet. What are our thoughts here?

[igit]

Miller, what are the reasons why your wife says she wants a divorce. I know you mentioned her parents issues with infidelity and how she would never do that. With kids any woman in her right mind would want to work on the marriage or at least give you some warning about their unhappiness. I am not an expert or veteran but from reading your sitch it doesn't sound like you are telling us everything. I will tell you after being in a 15month crisis that if you are honest on this board and follow the DB principles early on ,it will give you the best chance to turn your ship around.

[Rick1963]

Hi Miller. You need to get a lawyer ASAP. I know that if you are new and hurting that is the last thing you may want to do. But if she is looking for work an apartment etc... She has plans. Plans that are not new...

I never ever thought I would be here. In my mind my M was solid. Well I was wrong..Agree to nothing. I was willing to give her everything to keep the family intact. This board and with the guidance of some good friends I made good choices.

The WAS will lie and manipulate. Believe none of what they say.

GAL my friend. GAL hard

[Rick1963]

Igit before me asked some good questions. I would leave them for larer to ponder. Think of of it as Maslows piramid. You cant counsel someone who is homeless and hungry. You must address those basic needs 1st.

[Miler]

Thanks...well, she says she has really felt unhappy since the first time we were separated in 2002. She has been a stay at home mom our entire 15 year marriage, and our last one just started school. For my work, we have moved to 3 different states in those 15 years, and she feels as though she just follows me around. She feels very controlled. I also have stated earlier that I have difficulty detaching from work, stay in my head a lot, and don't offer a ton of time for connection. We have a fairly steady cycle of highs and lows, and the lows can be demeaning and unappreciative towards both of us. Over the last two years, she feels like she has been depressed and lost who she is. Last year, she had a friend get divorced and it worked out well, and then her childhood friend moved back to town who has been divorced twice. In counseling, she admitted that the "catalyst" for her decision is when her favorite uncle died 2-3 weeks ago. She stated that life is too short to be unhappy, and she is finally standing up to the marriage to make a change for her happiness.

I have contacted a lawyer for initial counsel.

[Miler]

She also proceeded to show me a study that kids from a divorced home do better in the long run if both parents are "happy and healthy" rather than unloving and unhappy in the marriage. It's not like I didn't know she was unhappy, but I NEVER would have suspected that she would split up the family. I have never laid a hand on her, never cheated on her (emotionally or physically), and I am as sober as a 10 yo old.

The unhappiness did not come as a shock, the divorce did.

[igit]

Miler, I know what you are going through. My waw was stay at home mom since the kids came 13yrs ago. The best thing you can do is don't argue or disagree with her. She is trying to justify in her mind that a divorce will be good for everyone, you, the kids and her. She is in Lala land. The best thing you can do is GAL and let her go.I am not saying to give up. understand that you have to detach and let her see that you will be fine without her. Hapiness is an inside job, you are not responsible for her happiness. She is dilussional thinking the kids will be better etc...Be the strongest dad you can be for your kids. I am not saying that it will be easy. But you have to let her go and see for herself what it's like on her own. Don't help her with anything, treat it like you have excepted her decision and start living for you and your kids. You will come out of this a much better person. There are great db.coaches on this site that I would recommend you get in touch with as soon as you can