Last night she came home claws out, accusing me of trying to turn S8 against her.
Mine has done the same. I looked her straight in the eye and replied as calmly as I could asking "why would I do that? Our son needs his mother." Then I left the room.
Not sure if this helps or not. But it worked at least once for me.
Me: 45 W43 S7, Foster S9 (Planning to adopt post divorce) D mentioned Feb 2015, Wife served 3/24/2015. She moved out 4/15/2015.
I'm sorry Phunguy. Some of the things humans do to each other would be unforgivable if it weren't for the fact that holding on to it only hurts us.
What I can say is two things. One, YOUR half of the M wasn't a lie. And two, there are people you can trust in this world.
You are right to grieve the loss of the M you thought you had, and NOTHING will ever replace it. Know that we are here for you and are sending you much goodwill right now. Be strong and lead your children. Take care of yourself like she should have.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I'm very, very sorry to hear. I can't imagine what it must feel like to hear such a thing. How are you holding on?
I'm crushed, out walking around the neighborhood. 20 years I've been dedicated to her. She says there were periods of years where she tried really hard to be faithful but she always strayed at some point. She will not give me any more detail than that and I'm not sure I wanted to hear anymore. I don't. I can't stand to look at her anymore so I left for a walk.
Last edited by phunguy; 03/29/1503:55 AM.
Me 41 Wife 38 T20 M13 S8 D3 Bomb 1/26/15 A confirmed 2/19/15
Phun, I'm so very sorry to hear that. As others have said, that must have been very hard to hear. People say that finding out about things like this really pull the rug out from under you and undermine times in your R when you felt happy - violates your memories.
On the plus side (and I appreciate this may not feel in any way a plus) your W has been more honest with you, and isn't continuing with the deception that was. But I can see that multiple affairs over a period of years is a big concern. In a book I read recently, the WS in this kind of scenario was called 'Don Juan - or Don Juanita' - someone who 'needs' something outside of M to affirm them.
They are described as superficially confident, but with low self esteem. They want to escape from unpleasant feelings and use sex and the thrill of the chase to do this. They often have a distorted picture of how their behaviour affects others. Usually there has been some trauma (often sexual abuse for women) that leads to this behaviour.
Breaking this cycle is particularly difficult and requires the WS to recognise the impact of the behaviour and deal with the underlying issues. Much like another WS, but more complex and difficult to do for them.
The main thing right now is to look after yourself and process the information. Start to deal with the new trauma and move forwards from there. Protect yourself and your kids. Only you can decide what you want to do and how you need to move forwards. Keep posting Phun. This is horrible, and you will get through it - but it will take time.
(((Phun)))
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I walked around for a few hours last night. My brain is fried. I can never look at her the same. She told me I had been correct to be suspicious of her all these years and even though I tried to keep her on a short leash my efforts were fruitless. And that I am correct she is never able to find happiness within herself(for years I told her that happiness comes from the self because she always seemed to seek happiness from the exterior) that she cannot define what happiness is for her. She knows she needs help she told me she is afraid to get help. She said men are always coming after her that they are dogs and I am the one man she ever felt close to and loved. That for her sex is power and confidence and she needs that feeling.
She apologized for being a horrible person that she's worse than she would ever want me to know. She never deserved me or my love. That I was always the ideal she hoped to live up to. That my morals and ethics were unfound in her life and she knew that I was the best man to have children and a marriage with because she also needed that. She said the thing that made her feel the need to confess was that I said we would not be friends, I told her a few weeks ago, I did not sign up to be her friend that I signed up to be her husband. She said that had hit her hard because she had always seen me as her best friend. I told her things would never be the same and that she could try to earn my friendship in the future but she knows the rigorous standards I have to be considered a true friend. I am a great friend and have many friends that are close to me since childhood. I beleive in nothing, my life has not been what it seemed.
Thank god I have a major GAL activity today and I will not be any where near the house. I don't know about anything any more.
Me 41 Wife 38 T20 M13 S8 D3 Bomb 1/26/15 A confirmed 2/19/15
