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#2551957 03/28/15 06:24 PM
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Kimmerz Offline OP
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smile Hello Fellow MLC family!

I've been silently checking in from time to time, reading posts, identifying, and realizing I've come so far from the first time I started posting here.

Please remember dear LBS's, keep putting one foot in front of the other. At times it will seem so monotonous, just keeping on, one miserable step at a time. cry But then, something short of a miracle or a miracle will come. shocked It may be a sudden realization of something, or just something someone says to you, a pearl of wisdom shared that will just give you a fresh breath of air! Then the motivation to keep marching on comes and you're off once again. grin Sometimes the motivation will be the MLCer doing one more CRAZY THING, only to remind you.... HEY THIS IS CRAZY!!!! Maybe Im the one with my feet on the ground despite this storm of insanity I fight daily.

I come here to read, to regain my sanity when I get haunted from memories regarding my XH MLC and the insanity that followed during separation, during the divorce, and most definitely 2 years after divorce.

2011 we were separated and papers filed. 2012 divorce final. 2012-2014 still continued to have nothing but crazy ass crap from him. 2014 Ex H married OW.

I find myself baffled and come here for pearls of wisdom from anyone that's further down the path than me. Im feeling very confused about how my relationship has changed for THE BETTER with ExH. At times goes on, believe it or not, it seems to be getting better. And it scares me. It scares me, because the raw truth is, I do not trust him enough to give him my true friendship again.

AS horrible as everything was during this crisis, what devastated me the most was our friendship being so violated. I do understand NOW that ExH was not in a place where he could ever prioritize such a thing as true friendship despite the marriage was falling apart. As we know, MLCER's priorities are ALL ABOUT THEM! crazy

Xh has completely put the battle ax down. I can say that within the last year he has been completely a different person, and this is in a good way. He no longer plays mental games at every chance he gets. There is no more "silent treatment", and he responds almost immediately if I text him in regards to our D12. D15 still refuses to speak to him. If I have to contact him first, he always responds, and always very nice and friendly.

Xh briefly spoke to me about D15 not speaking to him a while ago, and I have since just left it alone. I've accepted that this is not my bridge to mend or my problem to fix, though it's still so very hard to sit by and watch this silent war between them. ExH states he doesn't want to push D15 into speaking to him especially after she blew him off at Christmas time at D12's concert then. I've kept him updated as needed with D15's events and such due to respect that he is her father. D15's grades are excellent and she's looking into college already though she's only in 10th grade. ExH seems very appreciative for keeping him in the loop, and even says THANK YOU to me. 2 years ago, no matter how kind I was or polite, I never got a thank you from him. Ever.

I've tested the waters and have made small talk with him, even more in depth big talk in regards to issues with his mom, and our grandmother's passing, and he's responded kindly, and like a normal person.

I saw him two weeks ago at D12's spring choir concert. We talk in person now, and it's no longer really awkward, it's like it used to be before all hell broke lose 6 - 7 years ago. He genuinely seems happy to see me, relaxed, jovial, and in his odd little way tries to keep the conversation going, when he can't think of anything to say. We smile at each other, and we laugh in regards to funny things with our D12. He's always been kind of socially awkward at keeping conversations going, or trying to keep a person engaged when he still feels to the need to talk. I had forgotten about that, until I noticed him doing it 2 weeks ago.

It seems like things have progressively gotten better the last year.

But it still leaves me baffled as all hell! I remember sucking it up and doing my best to be kind, and friendly, no matter how irritable and pissed off he was. I just kept it up, until at times he'd take things too far, then I would stand up and call a thing a thing.
Of course that always ended up in him either getting enraged and being an a$$ or several weeks of silent treatment and messages through D12 about visitation.

Now that doesn't even happen. Every interaction with him is positive, and nice. He even looks happy and content. And happy and content to see me. This literally blows my mind.

I don't know what to think. Do you suppose he came out of the fog?

I know OW apparently can't work due to odd illness, and no longer can drive. She sleeps odd hours, cooks alot of fattening foods, but doesn't cook regular meals. Ex H still cooks all the meals for D12 when she's there. OW still remains very aloof towards D12, and is more like a piece of furniture when D12 is there. She continues to game all day long, while EXH works full time supporting them. She for the most part is a recluse.

I think what really bothers me the most is that this man went nutts into MLC. The bond we had as friends was completely shattered by his crazy ass behavior. He's doing what he's always done... when he finally gets over HIS ISSUES, then everything is fine, and he acts like nothing ever happened! But Im still screaming inside saying " How could you have done this! You hurt me and the girls so deeply, and now because YOU'RE OVER YOUR CRAP, AND HAVE HAD YOUR TANTRUM, WE CAN BE FRIENDS NOW?????"

Im still not completely healed. I want him to hear and know just how hurt we were. And I never did tell him how hurt I was during the divorce and separation. I just sucked it up and basically said in all my actions " ok buddy, you started this, now Im going to finish it". Telling him how hurt we were was futile at that point! And it probably still is because Im sure his memory of this whole fiasco is completely backwards and skewed!!

Input, and advice greatly appreciated at this point.

Im so confused!!!


M=42 XH=44
M=18 T=21
D14 D11
Divorced 4/2012
XH marries OW 6/2014.
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
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Kimmerz,

Why are you confused? You are very well educated on what MLC is and does to the person who has one. You also are aware of the destructive path they take when they want, what they want and when they want it yesterday. Yes, you've come a long way, but your interactions w/him still tend to confuse you because what you are seeing is a man who was good pre-crisis, became an angry, controlling, and "out of control" man in crisis and is now settling down a bit. What you are seeing now is a man who is coming off the "high" of mlc and it's going to take some time before he truly settles down and is content w/himself and his life. Yes, he's beginning to start the very slow process of landing back into reality. Has he broached the subject of what happened w/him? To me, this is the beginning of truly opening up and talking about that destructive path. You may or may not get an apology of some type...but if he begins talking about how he felt, what he did or doesn't remember some things, that will be the cue for you to truly listen and then talk to him about how things went down for you and the girls...but until then, continue as you have been.

I'm glad things have gotten better, but there's still a bit more healing to be done for both of you. Will it ever be the same again? The answer is no. Too much damage, the bridges were burned and both of you have dealt w/some pain and suffering along the way. You've changed and so has he. The relationship you will share w/him will be that as a father to your girls and maybe, just maybe friends...but time will tell on that one.

Kimmerz, it's not confusing at all. What you are seeing is a man who is settling down and is starting to wake up and I don't think the anger will resurface at this time. He was such an angry man for a very long time. He was angry w/the world and w/himself. I do hope he's finally figured out what was so painful for him to have to deal with. What you are feeling is very, very normal because you had to put up a wall to protect yourself as well as your girls from the emotional hurt.

If you haven't done so, read the thread on reconnection. It may be helpful to you since you are confused. Just remember, nothing will ever be what it once was...a new chapter has begun for the both of you and no one knows how your story will end at this time. Continue as you have been w/no expectations.

BTW, how are the girls doing? I'm sure they are growing by leaps and bounds and keeping busy, as well as keeping you busy. I do hope that they both can find a way to reconnect w/their father some time in the future.


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Job, you never cease to amaze me, you know that??

I had hoped I would get a post from you! At the same time I wonder how on earth you can keep such clear and concise tabs on all of us, and remember all that's gone on in our lives! Do you keep profiles on us? LOL.

My girls are doing great, really just wonderful. If I've succeeded in anything in my life, it's my girls. They are happy, thriving, and are doing so well in school. My D12 seems to be growing up and maturing into a "tween", but not into the drama that comes with the age. For that Im truly grateful.

D15, has mentally and spiritually grown in so many ways, she seems wiser than me at times. We talk about her feelings and choice to not speak to her father. She hides nothing about her feelings from me. Yet all I can really see is that she just needs to be angry at him now. Basically releasing all the repressed anger and frustration she had when she was younger and for the most part forced to partake in visitations I now know she truly hated and resented all along.

Both of them are on honor roll with ease. D12 missed 10 days of school last month due to a severe tonsillitis. I brought her homework for her to work on, and within 5 days of going back to school she not only finished her homework, she surpassed the entire class and was ahead by 3 days of assignments. And she passed with flying colors, still pulling an A average. She tells me she would like to do homeschooling because she can concentrate better.

Job, Im going to read those threads you suggested. Why am I confused? To be honest I truly didn't think he WOULD EVER START TO COME OUT OF THIS AND SETTLE DOWN! I accepted he would twist in the wind forever and this is who he is from here on out. I never did read alot of re-connection because I just didn't see it happen. I was just content with civil exchanges. Now they've gone from civil, to down right friendly.

Yes Im seeing the man he was pre crisis. A man I thought was dead forever!

No He hasn't mentioned anything in the way of our divorce and what happened. He still can remember our life before pre crisis like the back of his hand. I asked him questions about some computer program back in the fall, and he recited back to me exactly what the program was, when it was installed, how we used it, and how it's going to be outdated now, etc. Kept using "we" when referring to the sitch.

I don't know Job, maybe I just pushed on so damn hard, and mentally conditioned myself that this was a man that would never be the way he used to be, would never change for the better, and would always been completely self absorbed, that when I've now seen consistent small but positive changes, it's just shaken me to the core. I had zero expectations. Now he's exceeded all of that, without any request on my part. He's done it on his own.


M=42 XH=44
M=18 T=21
D14 D11
Divorced 4/2012
XH marries OW 6/2014.
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 889
K
Kimmerz Offline OP
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I can't find anything on re-connection.
I find piecing, but not re-connection.


M=42 XH=44
M=18 T=21
D14 D11
Divorced 4/2012
XH marries OW 6/2014.
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 2,538
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K - great to hear from you - google TMAK on reconnection and it brings it up.

I am in a rush right now - have to get someone to the airport. Will post more later. Even my crazy xh is sometimes polite these days!! What Job says is spot on, as ever.

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Kimmerz,

My memory isn't quite as good as it use to be...but there aren't too many posters that I forget. LOL!

It's going to be okay. Just give him all of the space he needs and when he does come to talk to you...just listen. You might be surprised at some of what he says. Sift through the mumbo jumbo and you'll begin to see that his journey was not a happy one and the only thing that kept him from going totally crazy were the memories of his life w/you and the girls. Keep in mind, he didn't ask for the MLC to happen, it just did and like most of them, pride stood in his way when it came to seeking help.

Again, both you have clean slates and I will be sitting right here reading how the chapters of your lives unfold. Who knows what the future holds for any of us. However, I am hoping that you and your xh can find a way to co-parent and be there for the girls in the days, months and years ahead.

Here's the thread that I was referring to:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484751#Post2484751


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Kimmerz Offline OP
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Oh My! Thank you SO MUCH FOR THAT LINK!!


M=42 XH=44
M=18 T=21
D14 D11
Divorced 4/2012
XH marries OW 6/2014.
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 889
K
Kimmerz Offline OP
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Posts: 889
Wow, I read that 2 times, and when I get a new ink cartridge Im going to print it out!

Some of these things ExH has already done, but I never thought about it as him entering the reality/acceptance phase. What caught my attention was that the MLCer will start to show interest in things prior MLC. Friends, family, and pets.

Last Christmas I spoke with ex MIL, and she told me how XH had invited her and her XH (someone My XH hated with a purple passion)to Christmas! D12 told me how Ex H started talking about our old pets and how he missed our first dog together that has been dead 12 years now. He said he wanted another dog. Part of his MLC was complete contempt for our animals, when he used to be the one that was always bringing a kitten home!

The past month, thoughts of him have been intrusive and I cant understand why. I've been so "over this", at least I thought.
2 weeks ago I was having the most lovely dinner with my boyfriend, just enjoying his company and conversation. While we were at dinner, every damn song that came on over the sound system were songs that were really popular during my first few years of marriage. Songs always take me back to certain times in my life. Song after song, I was starting to get a little pissed because not only had XH been popping up in my mind, but then every damn song that came on reminded me of us... WHILE IM WITH MY BOYFRIEND.

I quickly just brushed it aside, and chose to ignore it. Then two days later it dawned on me. The night of the dinner and mental intrusive thoughts would have been our 22nd wedding anniversary. I had completely forgotten march 13th as our wedding anniversary. It didn't even dawn on me at all, till 2 days afterwards that was the day.

Im still freaked out about that.

Im still seeing my boyfriend of 2 years now. The one that really has some issues and really has some damage. We've become so close, yet completely acknowledging we have issues that may never allow us to take this relationship any further than it is now! Which is long distance, see each other a weekend or two a month. We constantly stay in contact by text. He's cooled his temperament quite a bit.

My boyfriend has confided in me the horrific abuse he suffered as a child/teenager.I cried our of sheer horror of what he told me. He's admitted it caused alot of strife with him and his anger issues through his life. However I've told him time and time again that it doesn't make it ok for him to behave like an A$$ now as an adult and I won't tolerate it.

I've taken all my lessons I've learned in this MLC scenario and have applied it to my relationship with boyfriend, and his issues he deals with. It's helped me so much! And I do believe helps him too.


M=42 XH=44
M=18 T=21
D14 D11
Divorced 4/2012
XH marries OW 6/2014.
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,326
Likes: 20
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Hi Kimmerz! Nice to hear from you....

Tad


Currently:
M 56 XW 57
Sons 38,33,31,29

The Sitch:
Married 26 years
EA w/ OM 9/10
Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary)
Sep 12/10
She wants D 1/11
W files 5/11
D final 10/11
XW marries OM 6/13
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,666
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Kimm,

Love when you stop by to say, "HI."

I always learn so much.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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