THANKS for all the prayers and encouragement! Soooo appreciated!
Today, my H picked my children a bit later than expected. He told them that he had to be on the other side of town for a special fundraising walk for his employer and by the time it was over and he showered and changed it put him behind.
Wondering - why didn't he take our children? We love that kind of stuff. Anyway, he took them to their soccer and flag football games. Splitting duty with his mom.
Everything was cool. They all were fine with him being himself (his MLC weird self) tolerable. Then right before he dropped them off, he pulled the car over and said, "So, there will be some activities coming up soon with that lady".(he doesn't even call her by name. He just says that lady or his lady friend..
He told them that he'll give them notice and if they want to go then it's up to them. ????
Let me just say, I know he's moved on. I know in my heart that this marriage isn't going back. It's done.
My heart also knows that H will always be part of my life because of my children. SUX!
/But Seems like he's mad that our children really don't want to be around OW. Like you know, deal with it kids. I'm happy now so you should be too.
I said, maybe Daddy is just prepping you cuz maybe she'll be at your games when it's dad's weekend.
Probably the wrong thing to say cuz they became upset and saying they dont want to go with dad to their games if OW will be there.
Is the MLC'er really thinking that the OP is their happily ever after and the children just accept it?
What is OW thinking?Did she tell her own children that her boyfriend (my H) is still married?
I know she hasn't won any points from my children since they know when and how she entered into their parents marriage and especially into their dad's life.
UGH! I'm frustrated cuz I have no idea what her name is, what she looks like and I KNOW she knows who I am. She must know everything about me through H FB (old timeline photos), plus internet shows name, address, age, relatives, EVERYTHING> I have nothing. I know I'll know soon enough but she could probably stare me down at the store or be my nurse at the Cancer treatment center or sit next to me at church (eew!) and I would have no idea. UGH!! UGH!!!
Ok. Done ranting.
My poor babies are really not happy with their dad. Me either.
No stress. No stress. No stress. OHM! OHM! OHHHHMMMM!!
Need to get to a happy place in my mind so I can be here for my beautiful babies.
Lord, help me!
On another note, energy good. Appetite not so much. Some hair loss. hmmm. was hoping to keep my hair through this. Wah! Focusing on good energy! Focusing on the Cross! God is GOOD!
I'm happy to read that you are doing okay after several rounds of chemo. Your determination, attitude and faith are getting you thru this and I sincerely hope that your reaction to the chemo doesn't cause you much in the way of down time. However, if it does, call your friends and family for help. They will be more than happy to come around and help you out.
Yes, the mlcer thinks that he/she has found their soul mate and they do share a lot of "our" business w/them. We may not know much about them, but they sure do know a lot about us. Why? Because the op has a way about them, i.e., stroking the egos of the mlcers and they open up and cry about how awful we are and that we don't do this or that...little does the op know that much of what the mlcer shares w/them is not the truth. To the mlcer, we are the reason that they are so unhappy. In many cases, they affair down and the person that they become involved with is usually someone who is broken like themselves or someone who not in the same class as themselves. Some will affair up and become involved w/someone who may be wealthy, college educated and has a high powered position, etc., i.e., a stepping stone for them to move up socially. But, most of those that I have been around affair down so that they come across looking like the white knight who rescues the op from the life that they are currently living.
The mlcer doesn't care if the children like the op or not. They don't care how the children feel and will attempt to force them to meet and do things w/them. If that happens, the children will most likely not want to be around the op and will become very unhappy and find excuses for not wanting to do things w/the mlcer. The mlcer will then say we have poisoned the children's minds and that's why they don't want to be with them. That's not the case and the mlcer can't see beyond their noses as to why. It's called self absorption and entitlement. All they want is what makes them feel important and makes them look good.
Let me just say this...the op is a band aid to the broken mlcer. They are just someone "new" and when that newness wears off, the reality of life will creep in once again and the bills, work, etc., will hit them all over again.
The op doesn't care what people think about them or the situation because they are usually just as broken as the mlcer. The affair is new and exciting and if the affair is not known by others, the secret is even more of a high for them because they are doing something no one knows about.
Your h will always be a part of your life because you share your beautiful children w/him. There will always be events that you both will need to attend and hopefully the ow will remain in the background when those come around...but time will tell as to how that plays out and I wouldn't worry about it right now.
Please take care of yourself. Try not to allow the ow space in your head. She's really not worth it and I wouldn't worry too much about what she knows. Why? Because most of what she knows has been tainted by your h because he's seeing life through a vary narrow tunnel right now. You have nothing to prove to either of them.
I think you've been handling your situation w/class and dignity.
Keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
My boys really can't stand ow and she has outwardly voiced her dislike for them too. It has resulted in a her or us situation given by the boys which has put even more pressure on my h to keep things together. H told them that they are his priority and they are now saying "prove it". Your kids will make up their own minds - don't defend or slander your h actions or ow to them, it is for them to decide and your h to sort out. Your kids will remember how supportive and loving you are with them, that is what counts in all this - your actions.
Ow is the complete opposite of me - everything he does not like in a women - I suppose he thinks that if I was not "his one" then going for someone like me would achieve nothing. She is already starting to irritate him and they have only been living together a few months - vge, I am sure your h will find the same; that the grass is not greener - your marriage was based on love and history, his new relationship is based on lies and a false blinkered reality; how can it possibly last?
My h life is already falling apart, he has not found what he was looking for, he is unhappy and that is across the whole of his life (although he won't admit it) - his hates his new job, his relationship is not what he hoped it would be, he is in debt and he is losing his sons.
Everything will turn out as it should; whatever that may be.
Concentrate on getting yourself well again, strength and courage is on your side - and you are one gutsy lady vge.
Hi all. Thanks for the thoughts and prayers. This week is a wk off of chemo. YAY!! I go back next week. Boo! It's 3 wks on with one wk off. So my energy is up but I really don't sleep. It's 5a and I haven't slept at all. I join my 3rd child in sleeplessness. Weird. I think the whole cancer thing scares my children. I lost all my hair and beginning some eyebrow loss. yuck!!!
I do wear a scarf around the house but put a wig on when we go out. I'm not comfortable with just a scarf outside. So hence the wig which looks very similar to my own hair. Though I did consider going bright pink wig - ;-)Trying to maintain normalcy otherwise. H hasn't seen me like this nor do I want him to.
On the MLC homefront. So my H had two good visits with the children this week. He kept the conversations light. He still mentions the OW as "her", "my friend", "that lady". Never mentions her by name. But one of my children happen to see his FB on one of the visits, when he showed them some picture or video that the OW posted and my child gave me a hint of a name. Then there I go... I just have kind of a first name and I begin searching all over the internet. No such luck. Ugh! I begin to thinks it's either a wrong name or an alias.
Then on the next visit, H mentions that OW owns a bar. So guess what I did...internet! Her name was nothing like what my children had mentioned. Nevertheless, Found her!
Turns out that H did mention this woman to me last year in passing conversation way before he left.
This is how he told me ... guess who I ran into at my job. I said who. He says, John Doe's wife. SO where is John Doe? Then H proceeds to tell me that he is in shock cuz John Doe died. I'm so shocked!! So I said, what was she doing at your job. (I never met her and only knew John Doe back then.) He said that he didn't know why she was there but she had her children with her. Hmmm! Wierd!? So I looked up John Doe and he had died and left behind a wife and 3 children (the obit even mentioned their exact names). John Doe died last Feb and I am assuming my H started talking to her then or maybe before. I dont know.
Now, John Doe used to be a coworker with my H about 15 yrs ago but then left the business to open a bar. And seemed to be doing very well. Hence, OW has cash to fund this new relationship.
I find out through FB that there was a day a few weeks ago that H called to reschedule our children's visit cuz his company gave him "a" basketball game ticket and he couldn't take all of the children. Guess what? He actually took OW and her kids!!!! UGH!
My mind is whirling around something I really shouldn't care about. But it bothers me to no end. This OW. This FB page she has doesn't show my H in recent pics but I found one of her and my H embracing each other (like front hugging)plus a few other pics at her Bday party back in January. UGH! UGH!!!
I start thinking, so he left cuz she owns a business and has money. Of course, He likes that. He hated the fact that we had to budget. He hated to be told no...we can't afford this or that. He also wanted to start a business, and now OW is saying she could help him open a business next to her bar and that our older children could work for him. He seemed to like that idea and proposed it to them. They said, they might think about it. (this bothers me too that he wants to be liked by them so badly) he paints a great picture. H still wants our youngest child to live with him because he keeps asking our child- do you want to live with me? Child responds - no. I want to live with both of you. :-( H doesn't like how our children really don't want to be with him. He knows this. Remember, he said that his reputation means everything to him. He wants people to see him as a great guy, a great dad, a great Christian. Appearances matter...thanks FB. (sarcasm)
It makes me sad. So sad. I pray that I am not jealous or envious of this OW. I dont want my children to be swooned by her either. Cuz, H brought Easter baskets that included candy and $25 gift card for each one of the children. I know she's trying to be "nice" as I think that if I dated someone, I would want them to be nice to my children too. Just that, this OW has a tainted reputation already. Children know H left me for her. Not good!
He's involved himself in her life and her kids lives. They just lost their dad last year and some of her posts are how sad they are, how difficult it is this Feb to mark the anniversary of his death. Then I think again, was she involved with my H before her H died? When did my H and this OW hook up? Why does it matter? Why am I thinking about this?
If I go to the store, I'll know what she and her kiddos look like now so, that's kind of a relief. I won't be so paranoid looking around. But at the same time, what if I run into her at the gym, a restaurant, church...will I, or should I talk to her?
Any whoo...I just wanted to vent this out. I know I shouldn't worry about anything he's doing but this bothers me a lot!!!I'm just ranting. Ranting, ranting, ranting. saying nothing but what I'm sad about. So sad. I have so much pressure rght now, all I can do is cry. Crying that he left. Crying that I am in a club that I don't want to belong to.
I want to concentrate on my health and my children but I keep getting this MLC'er interruptions. Y'all ... I need words of wisdom. i've been praying and don't want to obsess over this cuz it won't help anyone. Especially my health.
What do y'all say? I just want peace in my spirit. This isn't giving me peace at all. Knowing who she is does help but now what?
Thinking of when did they talk? what does she say? Is she in a hurry to replace her H so that her kids have a dad? Why does this bother me? Is this an affair up? She's the sugar mama that my H has always kinda wanted.
I don't know ... Lord help me! Help me navigate these feelings. Please don't let me distracted by this stuff. vent
Thanks for letting me vent. Now I'll go to bed. Just wondering what's next.
Thanks again y'all for this great forum and sounding board even when I don't make any sense.
I'm glad you posted an update about your health. I'm sure you are happy to have a week off the chemo. I'm sorry about your hair, but as they always say, it will grow back. Wear the wig when you go out if that makes you feel comfortable. You are a warrior fighting for her life and you know what? People don't notice as much when we walk around bald. People are showing others that they are fighting cancer and it's a good reminder that we all need to take care of ourselves and be there for those who are going through this terrible ordeal.
As for Facebook. You can't always believe what you see here. A lot of times its just bragging and wanting affirmation for what they are saying. If people are truly as happy as they say they are, they wouldn't need to announce it to the world. Try to refrain from visiting that page again. It's trash, as far as I'm concerned.
As for your h and this ow, it's something new. She has the money to spend on him and when the well is dry and the bills pour in, things will change. Right now, he's using her, just as much as she's using him. She's grieving and he's her white knight. He's playing the dutiful friend, trying to help her out and that relationship isn't built on love, it's built on propping each up right now. Eventually the house built on lies will shake and the sands of time will shift the foundation until it falls. I wouldn't worry about her because she's truly nothing to worry about in the grand scheme of things. YOU are important and YOUR children are important right now. Getting your strength and health back are important so that you can live your life to the fullest and watch your children grow up to be successful individuals.
You are a wonderful mother and your children love you dearly. They are worried about you and know you need as much love and support as possible. When you feel like it, do some things w/the children, even if it's just taking a walk or reading a story...but get them involved in some activities w/you.
Don't be too hard on yourself. We all have gone down the path of wanting to know what the other person has that we don't. What attracted our spouses to them? Who are they, etc.? Bottom line, they are just new and if it hadn't been that person, it would have been someone else who is needy and needs a white knight to rescue them. It's him that is broken and can't find the proper glue to put himself back together again. But, for now, he is riding on the great wave of rescue. It will eventually get old.
Please take care of yourself. YOU are a very valuable person not only to yourself and your children, but to everyone you come into contact with. Never doubt your worth. You are the prize!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
For all of us. I came back to post to you Vge and read Job's post and...there's nothing more to say.
That post^^^^Could be the last and only post ever on this board and it would provide comfort and direction to those here.
-Don't believe what you see. It's called masked depression for a reason. Teenagers rarely show their inner turmoil and insecurities--unless they feel cornered/broken -Don't be too hard on yourself. -Spend time with your kids even if you can only muster short bursts of undivided attention -Trust that the OP will eventually get old and real-(like all humans do) -Take care of yourself. Know your value. Never doubt your worth.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Hey Vge – glad you are getting a break from your gruelling chemo regime. So sorry you are losing your hair, I know it affects how you feel about yourself – I have alopecia and wear a scarf; I tried the wig route but I did not feel confident in one, but I do have a hair piece that I wear for special occasions. Losing your hair does not define who you are, be proud of yourself, you are beautiful.
Is there counselling/help available to your children to help them understand what you are going through and what things are happening to you? It may help them be less scared of what is going on.
Job said it all; stop f/b stalking – yes that is what it is vge – I put my hand up and say, yep I wanted to know everything about her– but you know what, all it has done is show me what a damaged person she is and that made me upset to think he swapped me for that! The internet, in particular f/b is not your friend right now; now you know, step away and leave well alone. You are perfectly normal in wanting to know about her, but where does it stop – you’re obsessing about bumping in to her, you will drive yourself crazy if you start to play scenarios in your head …what if …what if …what if …. Vge , you have enough going on in your world, without adding your h’s world in to the mix. Stop and take a deep breath …for your sanity :o)
This journey you are on is a long and hard one, made even harder by the fact you don’t understand what the heck just happened to your h and m. It’s a horrible process that LBS have to go through and on top of that you are having a battle with your health – vge, you are doing incredibly well, I am in awe of your strength and resilience. I bow down to the beautiful goddess that is vge :o)
Forgot to add - there are some beautiful wigs out there, go have fun with this. Different styles and colours, there are so many to choose from, maybe they will give you inspiration for when your hair grows back :o)
