The more you learn, the more you learn. I can remember early in my journey of finding me, how overwhelming it all seemed. There was so much I needed to do. In those days uncovering one issue and working on it usually resulted in finding another. I really didn't see how I could do it.
But I hung on, trusting my IC when she said it was doable. Celebrating the little successes (if there really are "little" successes) and letting the knowledge I gained become a part of me, a new foundation for the successrs to come.
It is not a linear journey and I learned to be OK with that. It was difficult for me because I had the mistaken belief that mistakes are failures, and anything less than success is unacceptable.
I missed out on learning that everyone makes mistakes and that mistakes are important to changing, growing. If we never make mistakes we're never trying anything new, we're stagnant.
And that's where I was, stagnant, unhappy, filled with fear and blaming it all on someone else.
What I've recently realized is how much of me I held back due to being afraid of rejection. I've lived with the belief that no one could really love me, (refer to paragraphs above, mistakes=failures=not lovable) so I hid me and created the hardened, tough, witty, wise-cracking, sarcastic, angry exterior, guarding my vulnerability. Forgoing happiness for fear of pain.
I was many different people back then, not pathologically but rather I waited for signals from others on how to respond to them or a situation. If they seemed happy, I could act happy and tried to do more of whatever created the happiness. If they seemed angry, I was sure it was due to me and would try to figure out what I could do to get them happy.
I must have thought I had magic powers and was responsible for those with whom I had contact.
I hadn't yet learned that others are responsible for their feelings just as I'm responsible for mine.
If someone's words or actions evoke a strong response from me, I need to look closer cause they're just shining a light on something that I'm already feeling or opening an old wound that I need to heal.
This brings me to honesty, openness, vulnerability. I needed to learn to be honest about my emotions both with myself and those I love. I don't let things fester. If I'm angry, I talk about that and try to do it in a loving, compassionate way.
When I'm sad, I express that, grieve, and with time, move on.
The biggest change for me has been expressing happiness. If I'm happy, I work to show that. I was a "waiting for the other shoe to drop" person. If I was too happy, I held it back cause that meant the universe might repay me with a real sadness.
I've learned that there is no giant scorekeeper in the sky keeping track of rights and wrongs and meting out reward or punishment. That scorekeeper was just a thought in my mind, like many other thoughts that keep us stuck in our unhappy stagnant place.
It's a risk to be vulnerable because we might be hurt when we open ourselves up. And we wonder "what does it mean about me when I allow my vulnerability and someone rejects me?" After getting clarification from the person (sometimes what we hear is not what the speaker intended), maybe it's a signal that that person isn't right for your life no matter what the R is.
So I've been walking on the wild-side of vulnerability. Saying what I mean, meaning what I say. Being honest with my emotions, allowing room and respect for my anger as well as my happiness.
I have to learn to be honest and compassionate with myself before I can offer that to others.
I stop myself from taking on the emotions of others and trying to help them feel better.
We're all only responsible for this one life we've been given.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
from a friend: (I) blamed myself for everything and tried to be "better." I just recently discovered I don't need validation from others (although, sure, it's nice) to know who I am. Since that change the people who undervalued are dropping like flies. I no longer give them my energy. When you undervalue yourself, you attract others that undervalue you as well. I finally see that. So happy to get that message.
BaZinga!
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Yeah...separating the wheat from the chaff when it comes to friendships. I pick people who are supportive, loyal, and nourishing. If they don't meet these basic criteria, they're reduced to being outside in the outer circle in the acquaintance status or a nobody.
At my age, I feel more freer to do things on MY own terms. Less complicated life. Makes for a much more peaceful life, no?
Yeah...separating the wheat from the chaff when it comes to friendships. I pick people who are supportive, loyal, and nourishing. If they don't meet these basic criteria, they're reduced to being outside in the outer circle in the acquaintance status or a nobody.
At my age, I feel more freer to do things on MY own terms. Less complicated life. Makes for a much more peaceful life, no?
I wrote something very similar on MB's thread yesterday. When we know who we are and claim our place in the world, the chaff does just fall away.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Wonka, we had the wheat and chaff gospel reading a month or so back. Funny you brought that up. (BTW, I love the word chaff...)
Quote:
I wrote something very similar on MB's thread yesterday. When we know who we are and claim our place in the world, the chaff does just fall away.
If I have to sum up the #1 positive about being over 50, this is it! It wasn't a switch or anything that turned on and off, but in general, my entire "theme" after turning 50 was to make all of this worth the effort. And in general, if people don't support me, they are also relegated to the category of acquaintances with little to no influence.
For whatever reason (age + effort I put forth in my 40s?), I find it so much easier to be the me I want to be now. Not the me I think they want me to be or worse... the me that "they" think I *should* be. I'm a whole lot more comfortable in my own skin now than I was even 10 years ago. It makes me infinitely glad I pressed through those tough years in the 40s. The same ones as you had, Bug, where I had to evaluate and challenge my own flawed belief system and how I had to be right.
LOL, when I went to the medium a few weeks ago, she told me not to feel bad about being right - because I usually am. I literally busted out laughing. I'll keep that my secret and just keep working on hearing others and listening instead. Being right has its advantages, though. I've found the more silent I keep about it, the more people seek out my advice and genuinely want to hear my opinion. Leading that pack is my XH (which makes me laugh even more).
Carry on, and thanks for your musings. They keep me honest too.
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Maybell, you don't owe me anything. Thanks for the kind thoughts about my son. He's getting through his heartbreak and will be a better man for it. It really opened his eyes to things he needed to work on. He's still feeling the pain of rejection but it's part of the process.
And Bets, challenging our flawed belief system is so scary at first isn't. I just saw a video of the Allegory of the Cave, it takes a lot of courage to move out of the cave.
Thank you, sistas!
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I'm a true believer that our children are our teachers in middle age, and we are students of many lessons. That's why our kids are very different, with different paths, different needs and different ways that they need to be parented and guided. There is no cookie cutter here, and it's definitely not one size fits all.
I'm very glad that none of you here knew me before I had kids (or before the bomb day). My kids have provided me with a wealth of education that will probably continue until they bury me. But the hardest thing of parenting is watching your kiddo suffer with emotional pain. The only thing we can do is to let them know they are loved and that we are there for them if they need us.
It's not only scary to challenge our belief systems, it's terrifying. It's kind of like a betrayal, and we are our own betrayers. Watching myself attempt to hammer a square peg into a round hole wasn't exactly uplifting. The worst part is that I truly believed that more effort hammering would make things work out in the end. I was just too stuck in my mindset to take a step back and see the other options that presented themselves when I let go of having my way.
The one thing I can say with absolute certainty and gratitude? My XH was the key player in moving me out of my fog and into the light. Without his bomb, I doubt I would have progressed as far. I'm truly grateful that he helped me along in my own growth.
It's the old saying... adapt or die? Survival of the fittest at its best!
Speaking of this topic, I don't know if you follow Jeanette Maw. She does work with the laws of attraction and I got her e-mail today on holding on loosely and letting go. It was a good read, especially for a Monday. I'm holding on to some anxiety, and her way works best for me when I let go of the problem and allow the solution to appear.
It's days like this that make me really appreciate having sistas in this cyberspace. I mean that.
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
The one thing I can say with absolute certainty and gratitude? My XH was the key player in moving me out of my fog and into the light. Without his bomb, I doubt I would have progressed as far. I'm truly grateful that he helped me along in my own growth.
It's the old saying... adapt or die? Survival of the fittest at its best!
Ditto. Occasionally I will mutter a silent "thank you" to Ms. Wonka before going to bed for the tremendous personal (and spiritual) growth this lesson has presented to me.
Absolu-freakin'-ly spot on. We've survived and THRIVED, baby!
