W came back home for a few days. She told me she missed me and missed the kids. Maybe she came back to make sure her plan b was still pining for her, I don't know. However, I allowed her to suck me back to a place that I can't stay away from...sex.
The next day she was up and down. A total rollercoaster with being physical and not being physical. She loves me but feels no connection to me, etc.
I know it may be frowned upon on here, but I was okay with being physical and proceeding with the divorce. My plan was to continue learning, start GAL more, focus on my personal issues and things I needed to do be a better husband and father.
Her EA (PA not confirmed) really wasn't an issue for me. I guess it would have been if the guy lived in the same city, was in this city all the time, or even had a car. It feels strange for me to say that. I think about it, but I don't let it consume me anymore.
Anyway, this morning I had enough of the rollercoaster. She was very distant this morning while I was getting ready for work. She told me that she didn't know if she could stay in the house any longer. I tried to avoid the conversation and asked her if we could discuss it later because I had to get the kid to school and myself to work.
She called me at work and asked me to have my attorney send her the final changes to the decree. She told me again that she didn't know if she should stay at the house, she was confused, etc.
I realized that I didn't want her at the house just for sex. I didn't want her at home because I can't handle the kids. I wanted her at the house because I can't detach. It's impossible for me to detach when she is here and we are close. I am focusing too much on her and not enough on myself.
I agreed with her. I told her that I really do understand how it's hard for her because it's hard for me.
She sent me a text apologizing for calling me at work and talking about leaving the house and that we could talk about it tonight. Honestly, I had no desire to discuss it any further with her. These few days have proven to me that I will never be able to truly focus on myself and becoming a person I am happy with unless I let go of my W.
As she was walking out the door with our daughter, my son became very upset. He said that he hates divorce and we shouldn't do it. I let her try to calm him down a bit because I was afraid I would start agreeing with my son. After a bit, I whispered in his ear that we needed to go get ice cream and he calmed down. W thanked me for helping and told me that she would call me tonight. I told her she didn't have to call me, he'll be fine.
Divorced dad's must keep ice cream shops in business. We had a great time getting ice cream and hanging out. I'm looking forward to spending more quality time with my kids. We always did stuff as a family and I regret not doing more stuff with just the kids.
Letting her stay in the house and sleep in my bed was a mistake. If she asked to stay here again, I will let her. She will not sleep in the MBR though.
M:42 W:43 T:14 M:10 S:9 D:5 W filed 12/22/14 EA 12/31/14 PA 4/10/15 D final 5/13/15
This started not so good with the sex, then peaked real good when you told her to leave the house, but ended with a bit of a downer when you said that you'd let her stay at the house again, though not in the MBR.
You are absolutely right when you say that you need some distance from her in order to detach. It has done wonders for me. I'm in a much better place since I even cut off the email communications beyond the kids. I stopped following WW on social media too. Don't underestimate how much good this can do to you.
I don't understand why you'd let her stay at the house again. Can you clarify? Is it to be Nice?
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Thanks Mozza. I appreciate your feedback, advice, and questions.
You gave me too much credit though. I DID let her stay in the MBR. I will let her stay in the house if she asks. Her name is on the mortgage, she awesome at cleaning, and the kids miss her. She will not be in the MBR next time. If I have to sleep in boxers soaked in ice water, she will not be in the MBR.
I let her stay earlier in the week to be nice. It's a long drive for her to make every day. She has to be here at 7 AM if D stays with me. If D is with her, she picks up our S at 2:30 and stays with the kids until I get home. Also, because I knew I would have sex. I'm not proud of it, but it's the truth.
When our son finishes school we'll sell the house. The house should sell quickly and life should be easier (so to speak). She'll be at her mother's house and I'll have a new living arrangement.
I've been bad about texting her in the past. Rarely do I send the first text, but I do enjoy goofing around with her. I was really good at making her laugh. That's over now and has been for a few days. Emails are official/legal stuff only. I deleted my Facebook a few months ago and life has improved greatly since that day. I nuked all my social media accounts unless they are work related. I have no idea what W is up to in the social media world and I have no interest in finding out.
Final DB coaching session tomorrow morning. LRT and detaching will be my focus.
M:42 W:43 T:14 M:10 S:9 D:5 W filed 12/22/14 EA 12/31/14 PA 4/10/15 D final 5/13/15
My final DB coaching session was helpful. I'm a bit confused about how to handle contact with W going forward though.
My coach felt that cutting off money and asking her to leave the house may have been perceived by W as being controlling. Like I was trying to punish her. That she may view it as "more of the same old Closer2".
He made a good point that reminded me of an article by MWD regarding sex with a WW. The good thing about it is that it is challenging her beliefs that is not emotionally available to me. It's normal for her to pull back shortly after and tell me that we should stop, she doesn't have an emotional connection with me, etc, etc. He said that is the script. I should validate and be patient with her at those times. Basically keep doing the 180s from the Closer2 that she is divorcing. That is the Closer2 she does not have an emotional connection to, not this Closer2.
After my coaching session, I received a few texts from W. I replied in a much nicer tone and not with just one word answers. I also told her to have a great weekend and to enjoy her time with her friends.
W replied, "I'm so happy to see how you have changed. You're next relationship is going to be great." I didn't tell her that want a new relationship with her, that I don't even think about anyone else. Instead I thanked her. No contact since.
I think I am starting to understand the difference between loving detachment and general detaching. I detached during our M and she did from me. Communication was cold between us. I still love her, but I'm too dependent on her. I still feel that I need her to be happy. By detaching from her in a loving way, I will find happiness on my own without being cold and distant. I want her to know that I still care about her without her feeling pressure from me.
I'm not great with this emotional stuff and it's hard for me get my thoughts from head to the keyboard. I feel like I'm understand DBing better every day.
M:42 W:43 T:14 M:10 S:9 D:5 W filed 12/22/14 EA 12/31/14 PA 4/10/15 D final 5/13/15
Is it just me or is the advice of DB coaches generally gentler than what is advocated on these boards?
Closer2 - Keep giving the impression to your W that you're moving on. Yes, all these changes are going to be great for your next R. In fact, I suspect she is temp checking to see if you'll resist because there was no apparent reason for twisting the knife like she did.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Mozza, I thought she may have been temp checking. In the past, I would have resisted, but I didn't this time. I think my response of "thanks" was good.
She came home today. I thought she was going to drop off the kids then leave. She had a cup of coffee with me, then changed to go workout. She brought her overnight bag, but I don't if she plans on staying the night.
I don't even want to ask her.
M:42 W:43 T:14 M:10 S:9 D:5 W filed 12/22/14 EA 12/31/14 PA 4/10/15 D final 5/13/15
Awesome discovery on detachment (more of the same) and loving detachment. I also discovered the difference between 180 where you pander and cater to her out of dependence and 180 out of independence.
So much pain and confusion we get confused on the above. Closer would you mind sharing that article on sex and the WW?
Hey TenBook, I think the article was actually a MWD on youtube. I tried to find it an link it, but there's so many videos and I haven't been able to find it. I'll keep looking.
I've been reading and watching so much, it's all blending together. I need to take a break for a bit.
W is back in the house. We're being "neighbors". I haven't asked her to move out of the MBR. I don't think I will. Things are pretty smooth. I'm keeping my mouth shut and being neighborly.
Oddly enough, I was reading your WW, DB and DR thread and something Starsky posted make me really, really think about my entire M.
"Am I in love with this person as she is, or am I in love with some IMAGE of what I THINK she should be?"
I'm in love with the image. She will never be what I think she should be. She has never been what I think she be. I KNOW I can't be what she thinks I should (reality TV/movie romance).
I feel different. A mix of happy that I understand why I was hanging on so tightly but sad that I know it's time to let go. Throw on some guilt because neither of admitted this before we got married. Still, I'm happy we have 2 amazingly awesome kids. I'm not sad that my kids will have divorced parents. We'll be great co-parents.
M:42 W:43 T:14 M:10 S:9 D:5 W filed 12/22/14 EA 12/31/14 PA 4/10/15 D final 5/13/15
All I can see is how much we all share in common as LBS, even down to the timelines.
Maybe in an afterlife of some sorts, we LBS all get together and finally meet and laugh over our former lives. I'm going to purposely not think about the WAS side of that equation.
I agree TenBook. It never ceases to amaze me how similar many stories on this board are. From both the LBS and WAS, WW side.
These boards are a great resource for education. It's also nice to also know that I'm not the only one struggling with D, infidelity, and DBing.
The downside is that I know my W is fairly early in her EA. The fog is thick and her desire to take the R with OM is strong. It's difficult to be around her and put on the happy face. She has lied so much, I believe everything that comes out of her mouth is a lie. Why would anyone want to be with a person like that? Why do I.
Today I'm feeling very stressed with having her back in the house. All she talks about it is the D, selling the house, repairing the house, who gets what. Everything is focused on us having separate lives. I try to engage those conversations as if they are a business discussion, but I think she sees through that. There's so much I want to say to her, but I don't.
Tonight the kids are staying over at my parent's house. It's holiday tomorrow, so no school and it's "my weekend" with the kids. Since she goes to her mother's house every Fri, Sat, and Sun, I thought we could spend tonight clearing out the house. She had made plans to go out to dinner with friends. I know I should feel anything, but I do.
I need to vent a bit. Last week, she asked me if she could come back to the house. I know I probably should have said no. She offered to help prep for the sale and to help with the kids. Seemed like a good deal to me.
She hasn't done ANYTHING as far as house. She's home all day. She never misses a work out, tanning, or Dr. Phil. She picks up the kids from school and has them for 4 hours. I know they can be a handful sometimes, but let me at least put my bag down before you start. I know they make you crazy when they're picking and fighting with each other. I know it's hard to FB msg your OM when need things like food or drinks. So, you worked out, went tanning, and watched Dr. Phil. Awesome day!
Meh, I feel no better.
M:42 W:43 T:14 M:10 S:9 D:5 W filed 12/22/14 EA 12/31/14 PA 4/10/15 D final 5/13/15
