I apologize if this is not correct usage of this message board. I'm only posting my history here to give some background to my situation and hoping you all may give me some good advice which I'm not getting out here in the real world. I know this isn't Supposed to be used for counseling and that isn't my intent. I'm 37 my wife is 33. We've been together about 15 years (a break while she was away at college then we got together again) and married 3 years and have a 6 year old son. We were rocky when my son was born but stayed together and I moved in with them when my son was about 2. Things were seemingly good to me though we had some fights/arguing occasionally. About a year into our marriage we had a huge fight and she told me how terrible of a husband I've been and after taking a long loom in the mirror I knew she was right. I never wanted to do things with her because I'm uncomfortable in social situations, I didn't make her feel appreciated or compliment her, I didn't do enough to help out around the house, etc. Basically I made her feel like we were roommates rather than a couple. And I get it. So I started doing the things I wasn't doing before and stopped doing what I was but we still kept fighting. There were periods of calm and we got along but we had 1 big fight per month that kept getting worse. We separated in the beginning of February... I moved out at her request. This separation was supposed to be space for us to stop the fighting and hopefully start working on things. We were both having a hard time with the separation and still had some fights. Nothing too bad but enough to not help. Anyway, I found she slept with someone else last week. She'd been acting strangely and finally came clean. Initially she said it's not a big deal because we're separated but then she became very remorseful and said it was the biggest mistake of her life. She looked terrible and got in huge trouble at work which said was because how bad she felt and couldn't concentrate and almost caused a serious problem at work. Of course I was angry and said some things I regret but after I cooled off I apologized and said I understand why it happened, as hard as it is to swallow. I told her I still want to try and work things out if she does. She said she still has a small glimmer of hope that we can but she knows it'll be hard for me to move on and she doesn't know if she can forgive herself and look me in the eye. Right now we're barely talking other than stuff concerning our son. Every time I see her she looks like she'd been crying and she says she's having a really hard time dealing with everything i.e. separation, work, her "mistake", etc. She says she's falling into a depression. She also said this mistake wasn't a planned thing and she was so lost and stressed she just made the mistake of seeking some kind of comfort and escape. I don't know if I should believe her remorse and if I should continue trying to save our marriage. I still love her and want it to work but I'm so lost and confused right now. After reading my story could you please share your thoughts with me? Please?!?! Does her remorse sound sincere? Does that sound like a reasonable explanation to why she slept with someone? Am I being naive in still hoping to save our marriage? I'm willing to move passed this and put in whatever time and effort I need to and correct my own issues but I'm worried I'm wasting my time. Any advice will be greatly appreciated. Thanks.
Me:37, W:33, S:7 T:10 total (split while she was in college) M:3 S:2/4/15 EA confirmed: 3/7/15 D mentioned numerous times since 2/4/15, nothing filed...yet
Bump Please any advice/thoughts will be greatly appreciated. I'm drowning here.
Me:37, W:33, S:7 T:10 total (split while she was in college) M:3 S:2/4/15 EA confirmed: 3/7/15 D mentioned numerous times since 2/4/15, nothing filed...yet
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Cadet, thank you so much for your reply and all of the information. I'll begin reading all of it today.
Me:37, W:33, S:7 T:10 total (split while she was in college) M:3 S:2/4/15 EA confirmed: 3/7/15 D mentioned numerous times since 2/4/15, nothing filed...yet
Nick I'm going to be blunt for a moment. Can you explain why you just got married three years ago? You got your W pregnant seven years ago, didn't move in with your wife until your son was 2, then waited further to get married?!? Don't go the BS route of "money" or "timing", those are rationalizations. It sounds to me as if you have always kept your wife pushed off in case something better came along. You've had what's been referred to as a "renters" mentality when it comes to your relationship, rather than a "buyers" mentality. With an attitude like that, you will never have a good marriage, even if you got back together.
I think a separation is EXACTLY a what the two of you need to get your priorities in line. I'm not saying either of you should date other people- you are, after all, married - but you should learn how to date EACH OTHER. You should learn how to make each other your number one priority and commit to making each other happy and meet each other's emotional needs. Once you can do that successfully, and you can agree to maintaining a marriage philosophy that continues those good habits, then you should move back in together.
Hi HS and thank you for your reply and insight. We didn't plan on getting pregnant. She was just back from college and we reunited and one thing led to another and she was pregnant. She was still living with her parents and had just just started her new career. She didn't want to move in together right away because she wanted to save to buy a house. I wanted to live together. We discussed getting married but decided together to wait awhile. I don't recall exactly why but I think we both wanted to make sure it's what we wanted to do. We stayed together and things were pretty good and after 2 years we had enough to buy our house and that's when we moved in together. Shortly after I got a promotion at work and started working 6 and 7 days a week 10 to 12 hours a day. Her career was sliding due to the economy. We still discussed getting married but kept putting it off. Finally when my son was about 4 I proposed and she accepted. We were planning to marry later that year when she got laid off. So we decided to marry right away so I could get he on my medical coverage. Everything seemed great but in hindsight I see that I was being an absent husband. It wasn't intentional I just worked a lot. I was trying to do the best I could and what I thought was right. Fast forward 2 years and she landed a great job in a whole new field and it was an extremely hard and stressful transition for her. I thought I was doing my part at the time to help but now I know I wasnt. I was exhausted all the time and didn't want to do anything but relax. We started fighting all a lot and finally she let me have it and told me how bad of a husband I've been with the neglect and absenteeism and all. Naturally I wasn't hearing any of it and became defensive only making matters worse. We held on awhile and separated recently. I appreciate your reply but I never was waiting for something better to come along. I love my wife and always have. I made a ton of mistakes but I never meant to be hurtful or push her away. I have always wanted her and her only.
Me:37, W:33, S:7 T:10 total (split while she was in college) M:3 S:2/4/15 EA confirmed: 3/7/15 D mentioned numerous times since 2/4/15, nothing filed...yet
Hi Cadet. I've been reading all of the links you provided and they're great. The problem is I'm pretty much guilty of doing all of the things these links say not to do. When we separated at 1st I was angry and wasn't very nice. Then I started with the desperation and pleading, crying, reminiscing about the good times. I already blew that right? So now what? I have begun to GAL. I immediately started going back to the gym and finding things to do to try and occupy my free time so I'm not laying in bed depressed. I don't have many friends left in my area that I can go out with. The ones still around don't go out as they're married and with children. I don't really like to drink anymore and don't want to be the creepy late 30's guy hanging at the bar alone. As for detaching. That's the hardest part. We have a child and communicate daily about him and who's getting him from school or when I'm coming to get him, etc. And it's just hard. I miss my wife. Besides, one of the biggest complaints she had against me was that I basically ignored her. Won't she view my detaching as more of what I've already been doing? And the wayward wife bit. She fits that exactly. As stated she slept with someone shortly after I moved out. She seems remorseful and tore up about it but I don't know if I should believe her or not. I even apologized to her for pushing her to do it. How pathetic is that? I sincerely felt terrible after the initial anger subsided. I'm sure my apology was a major mistake too.
Me:37, W:33, S:7 T:10 total (split while she was in college) M:3 S:2/4/15 EA confirmed: 3/7/15 D mentioned numerous times since 2/4/15, nothing filed...yet
This is all so hard to wrap my head around. Have there been a lot of success stories on these boards from using the techniques? Obviously it's working for people or the board wouldn't be so huge. I'm just so lost right now and can't even think of how I'm going to be able to do this. I just wanna crawl under a rock and not come out.
Me:37, W:33, S:7 T:10 total (split while she was in college) M:3 S:2/4/15 EA confirmed: 3/7/15 D mentioned numerous times since 2/4/15, nothing filed...yet
I will read your post and comment very soon. But for now, PLEASE write in small separate paragraphs so it's easier for us to read.
And understand that while you are on moderation, which is temporary, you will get fewer replies.
But we are here and this is a great place to be, although for a lousy reason.
YES DB can work. It worked a lot better than every other approach I tried and believe me, I tried several.
Keep on keeping on...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
