Part 17 - Edz, living in interesting times

[edz]

W did reply.

Back to one sentence today that she'll ask s tomorrow. No idea what she's been up to or what mood as to why we're here again.. may not be the sitch, may be, meh, whatever...

Almost believe that myself now

[rd500]

She replied mate. A positive. Try to to concern yourself with rest. Take care.

[Sotto]

Worry not Edz. Don't measure progress day by day. Stick to the overall trend - month by month...

Tomorrow's another day. Don't poke the bear as Wonka would say. Be dim...

[edz]

Morning everyone

Thanks Rd, Toots. I'm Ok, the worry monster surfaces every now and again but I give him a shove down and get on with something else. I know I've not done anything that would change her mind one way or another since the weekend so she has to process it all herself.

As I say I texted yesterday over picking up s and got a reply so thats cool, I washed his stuff ready in case.

Then at twenty past ten w emails me pics of her cat (I'd posted one of the BFT on fb as I'd been talking to a co worker about her and her cat bed after she'd just become a cat owner last weekend), brief reply to that with another picture of a sparked out bft on the bed and then left it and got some sleep. Nothing so far today.

We'll see what today brings, suppose im waiting on the next kick to keep the inertia on the hope wheel going around after it got sped up like crazy last weekend. In the meantime balancing that with controlling my expectations and just getting on getting on for now

[edz]

Well taking s swimming tonight now, another single sentence text yes to swimming. Never mind, its not an excuse to start talking about us its about taking him swimming.

Nothing to dwell on here, moving on...

[Sotto]

Just a thought Edz. When you see W later, you may want to act 'as if' nothing at all in your sitch has chaged. No cautiously trying to suss out what's happened here....and so on. Just chatty Edz. Good pma - nothing to see here W!

Act 'as if' the big chat and 'withdrawal' didn't happen....

[edz]

Hi Toots, yes already the plan, have pinged her back just the time Im picking s up after work and to let me know if later is better to give him time to have his dinner (smiley face) no r text or mention of anything else.

As always Im already tidy groomed etc (just on the offchance, I know the day im unshaved in my bathrobe will be the day she pops round for something! anyway thats a 180 in me slobbing out isnt on the agenda)

As I said got s's stuff washed and drying last night in case he said yes so all ready to rock this evening. Will pick s up at the door with happy PMA as always, sulky EMO Edz has long been given the boot, well in public anyway he tries to dig to the surface sometimes depression has no magic bullet and just have to work it through sometimes, learned that the hard way IC told me dont bury it or you risk repeating issues but learn how to live with it, recognise it and how to channel PMA and divert myself from an emotional spiral.

That councelling and dealing with myself has been one of the only positives to come out of all this (other is of course r with s) no chance of me easily reverting.

As always I appreciate all of you taking the time to help and read my meanderings

[edz]

Well busy morning with work, taking a break now. One thing I forgot to mention was at the office yesterday I sorted out my desk contents (I was looking for some papers) and found an old photo of s and I taken a few years back. Wow I had absolutely no clue how huge I'd gotten. I've still got a ways to go as some photos I got caught in unawares last week showed me (wobbly bits around the middle) but my face looked like bees had been at it in that pic I found.

Depression had really kicked my behind and I'd let myself down on the taking care of myself back then, only realising how much now I'm not there anymore.

Anyyyway... W has emailed a couple of times since I texted her the time email this morning. Pics of s doing his work at home with her today, nothing r based and I'm not going there, just replied warmly and fun on the pics and some jokes she made. Warm, friendly PMA mode is firmly engaged, no pursuing.

I've moved a little beyond being dark this last week as firstly I know she's busy, she has this work review this week so Im understanding of that and she has a lot to chew over before she can make any more decisions on our r so I'll do my best not to raise it (with her - you lot are fair game ) and just get on.

Heading out for a quick walk in a mo to blow away the cobwebs and get some food for bft lots to get finished this afternoon so best get on with it

Cheers

[rd500]

Hi Edz. Again mate perfect. Responding to texts and calls is the way to go. Your W came forward a bit last week , you came forward a bit and that's it. She will
Come forward again so its a time thing. your W can see Edz has changed but is it permanent? We know it is but W is still to be convinced. Keep going as you are Edz, it's tough but time and patience. Positive thoughts for you and S and funny enough your W New Edz , S and W would be great together and even if that's not on the cards for now then new Edz and S relationship are a great result of all this.

Take care mate. Rd

[edz]

Thanks RD, throughout all this as well as rebuilding my relationship with my son and, obviously, wanting to reconcile I just wanted to be able to know with unshakable certainty that there's nothing else or different I could have done to repair my marriage.

Whilst if it proves irreparable that will be a source of regret and upset to me, at least I will know that there's nothing I could have done that I didn't try, wouldn't do, was too stubborn or pig-headed to change or stop doing. That would be the most painful thought of all.

Ultimately I am already a much, much better person now than I was before BD. I miss my wife of course, I would have much preferred to get here without losing her or going through this pain which has been, at times, the worst I have experienced in my life. Still my health is better and I believe I am a better father than I have been in a very long time and a better person and I hope I get the chance to be a better husband.