Not dumb anymore (2)

[Burger]

Thanks for clearing that up. These are for more personal validations, and to let her know I understand my role in this.

I need to make sure I fix me so this does not happen again with her, if we decide to try and fix things, or with whomever I end up with in the future. I will be a better man when this chapter is over.

[Burger]

you gotta understand your part in the dysfunction that led to her destructive decisions.
Otherwise, you're doomed to repeat them, be it in this relationship or in a future one with someone else.

I think this bears repeating over and over!

Cause I may be repeating but it is not what you want to do!

It is definitely not easy to look at yourself in the mirror and find all these flaws. After spending the day looking at me and my memories I can't imagine why she would ever want to come back.

My list now has examples of where I can see how she has felt:
Abandoned
Neglected
Alone
Not cared for
Like I didn't care about her

And I have multiple examples of each one. It's kind of depressing.

[HeavyD]

I think the first step is forgiving yourself.

[Burger]

I think the first step is forgiving yourself.

Thank-you HeavyD!

I see my therapist later today. I have quite the list to go over. My first question will be about your first step.

It also seems like some of these are things that I can change now that I have taken the time to think about them. For example she could have felt overwhelmed having to do almost all the housework and cooking is something I’m already addressing with a 180.

Or how she could feel alone or ignored when I would get depressed and clam up for a day or two. I’m now on better medication and working through depression with my therapist, and psychiatrist.

[Zelda09]

Hey Burger, thanks for stopping by the other day. I've just caught up with you, here...

A lot of helpful advice to coping on this thread, looks like you're doing great. I'm sorry for everything you're going through. The one wise thing my H said to me the day we decided to S months ago - no matter what happens, we'll be better on the other side.

I believe that now for me, and offer the sentiment to you. Becoming a whole happy person looks like a wonderful thing. I know I have seen people laughing, carrying on with exuberance, and I can't remember the last time I felt that - M or S. So, we'll get there.

[Burger]

Thank-you for the kind words Zelda. I really appreciate you stopping by and sharing them.

I do believe I'm becoming a better person than I was just three months ago. My therapist today thinks I'm moving in the right direction, and working on the right things.

It just takes a lot of work to change. But I'm determined to get there.

[Burger]

I don't even like roller coasters. Now I'm stuck on one.

One side effect of all this personal reflection is that I'm starting to question if I was really happy in the marriage. As I dig into things I did that hurt her, I recall her behaviors that have hurt my heart over the years.

My memories are becoming clouded.

Maybe I need to step away from this for a couple of days.

[Starsky309]

I don't even like roller coasters. Now I'm stuck on one.

One side effect of all this personal reflection is that I'm starting to question if I was really happy in the marriage. As I dig into things I did that hurt her, I recall her behaviors that have hurt my heart over the years.

My memories are becoming clouded.

Maybe I need to step away from this for a couple of days.

There's nothing wrong with BOTH the wayward and the betrayed spouse to take this opportunity to re-assess their pre-affair marriage. I certainly did! It helped me begin to tear down the whole "Mrs. Starsky on a Pedestal," princess image I had of her and learn to begin to deal in a more healthy way with my love for her as SHE REALLY WAS, flaws and all. In the end, it STRENGTHENED our marriage, not weakened it, and she even told me that part of the problem she had with me before her affair was that she was afraid I didn't really love her for who she was, but rather she felt like I had some inflated, up-on-a-pedestal image of her that I was in love with and that she couldn't possibly ever live up to.

If you two do get the opportunity to reconcile, Burger, you're SUPPOSED to begin working on a brand new marriage together, learning from what each of you did right and did wrong before.

You need to decide if those things -- those flaws -- in your wife, pre-bomb-drop, are just minor (or even pretty major) flaws . . . but she's still basically a good woman of character and integrity with whom you have a lot of shared history and strong emotional connection . . . OR, if they are "dealbreakers" for you.

In my situation, we had 20+ years of mostly a very good marriage, and she was a very good wife and mother. She screwed up, and I played a role, so it was easy for me to re-start with that understanding as we headed into piecing. For some other posters, they begin to have their eyes open and see their wife or husband's affair as just "more of the same" questionable behavior from them, and NOT as a just a huge and destructive misstep along the way of an otherwise life of integrity.

Ask God to give you clarity as you think about it all.


Starsky

[Burger]

Thank-you Starsky,

I am still hoping to reconcile someday, and I do realize that the M as it was is gone. So is Burger and Mrs. Burger. We will need to create M 2.0 with the new Burger 2.0 and Mrs. Burger 2.0

Hopefully that can work, only time will tell. I do believe this is just a huge misstep for WW.

I'm starting to see the major factor behind almost every behavior issue I find in me and her was a severe lack of communication. If something bothered me, I internalized it. Same for her. If we went through a larger bump in the road, once things felt better, we just swept it under the rug.

I guess with so much [censored] under that rug the M was bound to topple.

[Burger]

While very busy with my GAL activities this weekend I got a note from my WW.

She apologized for everything that has happened, how I created an environment that didn't meet her emotional needs, how old problems surfaced when all this started, and she talked about how hard her life is right now.

She mentioned that she is starting therapy this week. And how she looks forward to our weekly talks. She mentioned how much she has lost: kids, house, dog, and me.

I replied and used many validating statements, and mentioned some of the statements my DB Coach suggested last week to really emphasize specific examples of how I have hurt her in the past, to let her know I understand what my actions did.

Am I wrong to get my hopes up that maybe there is a crack in the fog?