Gwen, When I was being "kind to myself", I would sit for hours, after working all day, and do jigsaw puzzles. The bigger the better. It helped me to keep focused, as well as provided me some quiet time and to be able to see what I had accomplished once the entire puzzle was put together.
Walking around the museums and taking my time to just enjoy the sites. Visiting beautiful gardens in the areas and finding a bench to sit and people watch was another way to heal my soul.
Gwen, it takes time. If you can find just one thing that helps settle your soul a bit and provide you comfort then that is a start. Bea is right, it all takes time and each and everyone of us has to find that "groove" and it may take a year or even more, but as we start to find those things that make us feel good about ourselves once again, everything begins to look brighter.
Bottom line, you will move at your own pace when you are ready.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
A friend got mad at me for feeling defeated. I think we are allowed to feel defeated 48 hours into this mess - 48 days is a different story. She may not be my friend anymore because I said I am human. For decades I tried to be the best wife, mom, daughter and volunteer. I can't do that right now. Yes I still worry I may get stuck here in the land of bitter and depressed but I have always had faith in the bigger picture. Bones heal, this is a set back but I have all the most important things in my life.
I agree with the others in this thread. But wanted to add that your "friends" want you to be well. That is not the same as understanding. And honestly, if you cannot be honest with your friends, then with whom can you be? You never really know until you know - so it makes sense to be you and be real.
As for the bitterness. A few days of feeling down are not the same as bitterness, Gwen. You hit on that with the 48 hour thing. But be kind to yourself and realize that it has no real time boundaries. You stop being that way when you're ready. Not a second before. Just like the sky is blue, you can't change that until you're ready.
For me, I prefer the rose-colored bi-focals. They help me see both the positive sides of things and the reality. They both exist at the same time.
Bitter or better? Time will tell on that one, but my money is that you'll be better long-term.
Heal quickly.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Aww Gwen. I join our fellow posting buddies in saying that you can do this. I agree with Beatrice - rediscover yourself.
What's with the "give in" thing. If you mean you are releasing control over to God (I hope you are a believer at least to a higher authority) then yes, that's what we are supposed to do.
But we can't give up this fight. The fight for dignity, Self Respect, Grace, Blessings, Healing, Comfort, and Love. FIGHT FOR THESE THINGS!! Yes we must be patient but not idle. You got this my friend. We're here with you and for you.
I will continue to pray for y'all. May God grant you wisdom, courage, strength and love.
Proverbs 3:5-6 Psalm 121:1-2
Luv you my sista. Fight the good fight. It'll work out for the good. Suffering is never wasted!
Hello Gwen, I'm just checking and hoping that the healing process has begun and your shoulder is starting to feel a little better. I agree with AJ and from reading your thread to date, my money is on better and not bitter too. Having said that, we need to go through a range of emotions to get there - some nice and some not so nice..
This isn't an easy journey, but I think it is the best path in difficult circumstances and we are lucky to have some great role models on the site too.
I hope you are giving yourself some TLC and letting the healing process unfold - both physically and mentally following a difficult tperiod. Things will get better in time.
Take care, Toots xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I see "being kind to myself" as giving myself permission to feel what I feel at any given time and know its ok.
It is about giving myself time out from being a rock to others and focus on just me. To think, to feel and to be calm. I love walking by the sea, it settles me in a way that words cannot describe. I also do things I would have never done when with my h, like snuggle up in bed all afternoon with tea and junk food watching old movies.
Gwen, its a process, I know you know that, what you are going through and feeling is ok. Please know that you are a beautiful, talented, kind, strong and inspirational lady FACT, don't let what your crazy h has done to you devalue those facts, live them, be them and know you ARE valued.
Gwen -- I'm sorry to read about your shoulder! I have no doubt that you will bounce back from this injury quickly. Heck, it kinda gives you something else to focus on, eh? Blah. But geez, what a pain - literally. That can really wipe you out. Try and take it easy. Let friends and family help out when you can.
And give yourself a chance to work through all of the emotions from the BD fallout. It takes time. We're impatient, for sure. I know I was. Sometimes mad at myself for STILL not being 'over it.' I'd never been through a D before, but had a difficult breakup when I was in my 20's (I wanted to marry him!), which took me about a year and a half to fully recover from. So I knew I was in for some really hard work to recover from BD and D, but I also knew I could do it - eventually. Letting it 'beat' me was never an option. I kicked into survival mode almost immediately. H would never find me lying down and getting run over. Hang in there. It will get better soon.
LiveNow
Me 53, XH 57 M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids BD June '13 H moved out July '13 Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14 H filed for D Nov. '14 D March '15
Thanks Livenow for dropping by. Yes this has been a setback but I wifi get through it. In some ways I feel so much more accepting of this situation because it was a freak accident and nothing I could do to change anything at all. At BD al, I could feel was sadness and bewilderment. I kept thinking I should have known better. This has been easier and I know it will be okay in time.
Your uplifting post to your thread was a ray of sunlight. I can myself detaching but I just wish I'd quit grieving for a man who does not seem to have any empathy for me or our children. No contact makes me feel like he has moved on and I need to get with the program.
Of course sitting around all day with a bum arm is not good for the thoughts. I will need to get things moving.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
It is in the hours before dawn and I lie awake feeling unworthy, less than a valuable person. It has been a year. I have survived and been logical and let's be real this is just a break up. I mean far worse things happen to far better people every day. I know this logically but emotionally I feel like I must have been horrible and I hide it from most people except my H. I made him unhappy somehow and his only escape was to run. I know it is irrational but I just can't stop these thoughts sometimes. Do others feel this way? How can I move past this phase of self loathing? I fear if I don't get through it then I will never be able to truly enjoy my life again. That is very frightening.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
Gwen - many of us here have felt that - and very very occasionally I still do.
It is a result of abuse, including emotional abuse. 'It must be our fault' Please read up on emotional abuse - and I see much MLC behaviour as emotionally abusive because it belittles and hurts the partner.
If you read up on emotional abuse, I suspect you will find both some 'Aha' moments and some personal strategies that work for you.
