Not so great. Was on my way with positive thinking and lots of steps towards healing but on Friday had a huge setback. Was moving my oldest into her new apt. And broke my shoulder of my dominant side. Stand a good chance of losing my job because this employer does not view people as human beings. It was a demeaning conversation.
H was selfish and detached. D's said it is about time I quit making excuses. Silver lining is my guilt is gone. It vanished when my shoulder cracked.
Right now I give up. I give in and yes when this shoulder heals I will go on. My daughter said she was impressed I held onto my rose colored glasses all these years. She is right but they are shattered now too.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
Wow, so sorry about the shoulder. Please make sure you take vitamin D and K to help it heal.
Your employer cannot legally fire you because of an injury, I believe. Find out your rights.
Don't expect anything from H during this - the last thing a MLCer wants to deal with is responsibility. Ask directly if you absolutely need something, otherwise don't bother.
Get your friends or family to make meals for you and help out. Ask for help.
Gwen, I'm so sorry to hear about your shoulder, and how you are feeling generally. I have dipped in and out of your threads in recent months and always thought what a lovely woman you sound to be.
I hope your employer comes through for you. No-one should lose their job because they broke a bone in my view. Do they have an absence policy you could look at to see if their approach is in line with that? Is it one person in particular that isn't sympathetic?
I'm glad your guilt is gone, and in terms of your H it may be an idea to put him firmly on the very back burner whilst you heal and look after yourself. I'm sorry his behaviour wasn't better - at least when things like that happen - they do help us move forwards a little more....though it isn't nice to go through it.
Lovely that your D's are so supportive and I'm sure they will be looking out for Mum in coming weeks. Do rest up and take care of yourself.
Toots x
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
This employer is just not sympathetic to anyone. I will keep documentation but in this state they can fire people "at will" - the silver lining is knowing that there is absolutely nothing I can do about this. If they are this cruel then better I find out now. I need the money but I have a settlement in place. There is no guilt or regret. It is what it is.
I did not expect H to care about me but treating our children this way? Wow - with a parent like him you don't need enemies. He burned it all to the ground and so the girls and I are on our own. The girls knew it before I did. Sad but true. Youngest said I should be proud of how long I kept my "Rose colored glasses" - I guess I am?
A friend got mad at me for feeling defeated. I think we are allowed to feel defeated 48 hours into this mess - 48 days is a different story. She may not be my friend anymore because I said I am human. For decades I tried to be the best wife, mom, daughter and volunteer. I can't do that right now. Yes I still worry I may get stuck here in the land of bitter and depressed but I have always had faith in the bigger picture. Bones heal, this is a set back but I have all the most important things in my life.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
Awww Gwen - I just want to jump through the screen and give you a hug ....a very gentle one
You and I started this journey at the same time and I feel so akin to you Gwen, you have supported me all the way through. So to hear you are down and not doing well really makes me sad.
First of all - I am wishing you a speedy recovery from your injury.
Second - Your boss is an a'hole - sorry, but that's the truth of it. You did not intentionally damage yourself, so to penalise you for it is totally out of order. I really hope it does not come to losing your job over it, I am appalled that that may even be an option.
Thrid - Gwen, half of me is cheering you from the sidelines - to make the mental leap to complete detachment is a huge step. To go forwards with your own life not having your h clouding any thoughts is where we strive to get to. The other half of me is worried for you - you are sounding hard, like all walls are firmly up. I get that you are disappointed, sad and angry that life has come to this, that your h has let you down on all levels, but please don't take this forward with you. Some men- like our h's - are just emotionally retarded and may never be able to connect to us on a level that we are worthy of, I feel sorry for them as they are the ones missing out.
You are a survivor Gwen, you have never accepted defeat as an option, so keep going my friend, get over this (massive) speed bump and see what is around the next corner. I am right behind you
All the walls are firmly up Lou. I just have to keep them there or I will implode. For decades I put everyone else first and I have nothing left. Being discarded and devalued will do that to even the most optimistic of people.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
I hear you Gwen - you were an everything to everyone and a nothing to yourself.
We build the wall reinforced so we know we will never be put through anything like this again, never be hurt like this again and never have anyone treat us this way again. Its normal to do this and understandable. I hope that in time you will see things differently and lower your wall a little to allow others on to your side and that your faith in humanity is restored. There are some really good people out there in the world.
What you have been through over the past year is HUGE; be kind to yourself, it really is a case of time and allowing this process to naturally take its course. Remain open to possibilities and changes will happen.
Thanks Lou. I know time is required to heal the bone. There is nothing I can do to speed it up. It is crystal clear. At BD everything was so fuzzy. I guess there is comfort in the simplicity of this event.
I surrender. I detach. I give up and yes I do give in. My only fear is that I will not know when to get up this time. I pray I will and I hope I will.
Many of our friends here have dealt with much worse and continue to deal with much more difficult things. I am humbled by them and I feel like I should not be complaining but for now I just have to accept things. I am weary of this journey and perhaps resting awhile is not a bad thing.
Honestly I put on a great front for everyone else but her on this board I am brutally honest because I need to try to work through things. It has just been a tough year.
Thanks everyone for posting on my thread but also sharing your own journey. You each have brought out some laughter or wisdom or compassion at a time when the world seems sorely lacking in those areas.
I apologize for the ramble.... Pain meds and.isolation will do that to a person. Honestly after BD this should be easy. I think it is just dealing with so much change and hurt squashed together.. Patience and time will be the best medicine.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
BD and the aftermath takes away so much of our resilience. People say 'Be Kind to yourself' but honestly, what they need to do is show us HOW to be kind to ourselves. In dealing with this, and looking after everyone else, it can be hard to even take proper care of ourselves, or even really want to.
I would say, for many people here, getting your sense of self worth and purpose back is a huge task, and it doesn't appear overnight.
Sometimes it is simple things like growing a pot of herbs or tidying out a neglected closet that starts the process.
I re-read favourite books, and watched stupid movies. It isn't about getting someone else's life, but restoring our own, and even starting to make a few improvements, but all this takes energy.
Right now I am working with a life coach, and it is great, but honestly I couldn't have done that at the one year mark. I did buy myself some lovely clothes (not necessarily expensive, but ones that really looked good on me, not a 20 something super model)
I have also checked out on line better ways to apply make up. These are only ideas.
