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#2551174 03/26/15 05:14 AM
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Arcola Offline OP
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I'm assuming the threads lock at 100. My old one is at 97 so I'm starting a new one. Old thread here

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484336#Post2484336

SUMMARY: WAW and I are still separated. She's still in contact with OM, but it is very seldom. Have confirmed from her and others that they had their falling out. An OM2 came along but supposedly nothing physical. She's ashamed that she got to know OM2. No mention of divorce.

So in my last post of old thread I thought I discovered W had been physical with OM2 through her text messages. I did confront her about it, but she says they never had sex. I asked several times if she was telling the truth, but she stuck to nothing happened. She even spoke on their encounters and how they met. I haven't reread the text convo which I recorded with my phone, but I don't know whether she's telling me the truth or not.

This past Mon. was our 9yr anniversary. We didn't spend the typical anniversary together. We did make grocery with each other and the kids because we both had to get things from the store. When she dropped me off at home and while unloading my groceries, I said to her that I wanted to acknowledge that today was our anniversary, it is what it is, I know this isn't the typical way an anniversary is thought of, but I just wanted to acknowledge it. She said okay. She had to get something out of the marital home and when she came back out she got in her vehicle, but then got back out to say somewhat of the same to me, and proceeded to give me a 10 sec or so hug.

Yesterday, I was on Facebook and noticed she had posted something about me in regards to our anniversary. It read,

"9 years ago I married an amazing man. A man that I have been through some great times with and a man that I have been through hell with. We may not always see eye to eye and we continue to go through tough times but he is still and will always be an amazing man. God knows I was not an easy woman to deal with and we have had more than our fair share of suffering but Arcola has grounded me, provided for his family and been a loving father to any child who stepped foot through our door. I admire and respect so many things about him and am truly blessed to have him in my life."

I was touched, surprised, and didn't know what to make of this. I didn't Like or comment on it and I don't believe she knows I've read it.

Yesterday, W hit a low. Since we've been separated it seems she has had a rough time getting all the kids ready and getting to work on time. Her boss had commented on this. So she tells me of this and she's truly scared of losing her job, and feels the low that she is at. I don't want her to lose her job, so I offered solutions to help her out since she for the most part doesn't want me coming over in the morning to help get them ready.

She sent me an email today while at work stating she was having dreams/nightmares about our situation last night. She didn't go into any detail, but it seems to me she is beginning to analyze our separation.

This weekend we are to spend it overnight in a nearby city, doing activities with the kids. Last weekend in this same city we stayed overnight and I pursued and we ended up having sex. I hope that my will power is strong enough to keep me from pursuing this weekend. She has told me before she doesn't necessarily welcome my advances. Nonetheless, she has commented that she enjoys the time we spend together with the kids, but doesn't know if its because of how we interact with the kids together or because she enjoys being around me individually too. When she does say she has had a good time, I simply reply I enjoyed myself too.

Last edited by Arcola; 03/26/15 05:20 AM.

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She may be still sleeping with OM and you continue to have sex with her. Isn't this facilitating cake eating? Has she been checked for STDs? Good to be civil with children involved but it seems like you may be plan B. Regarding the facebook post, I wouldn't read too much into it personally: momentary reflection on an anniversary may not equate to thoughts of reconciliation.

You say you're separated. Do you have time alone with your children? If so, have you seen what happens if you pull back from your W? Is she drawn towards you?

Last edited by alpha99; 03/26/15 05:30 AM.

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Originally Posted By: Arcola


So in my last post of old thread I thought I discovered W had been physical with OM2 through her text messages. I did confront her about it, but she says they never had sex. I asked several times if she was telling the truth, but she stuck to nothing happened. She even spoke on their encounters and how they met. I haven't reread the text convo which I recorded with my phone, but I don't know whether she's telling me the truth or not.


There's about 95-99% chance she's not.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

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Originally Posted By: Arcola


So in my last post of old thread I thought I discovered W had been physical with OM2 through her text messages. I did confront her about it, but she says they never had sex. I asked several times if she was telling the truth . . .


Why do you ask her this? Do you SERIOUSLY think she is going to be truthful with you?

Arcola, you just don't seem to take infidelity as the grave threat to your marriage that the rest of us see that it is. How much studying have you done on the subject? The fact that you would sincerely ask your wayward wife at this point if she's cheating on you, and expect an honest answer, tells me that you're still not getting it.

You ignored advice about OM1 and it got you OM2. Are you waiting for OM3 before you seriously apply the concepts?


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

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Originally Posted By: Starsky309, on 11/7/2014
Stay detached, mysterious, interesting. Busiest guy in the room. Look good/smell good. Courteous, even engaging, but not NEEDY, not "MELTY MAN" and not PURSUING.

Make sense?

Let her come to you. And when she does, your answer is "Hmmm, I'll have to think about that. I'm not sure how I feel about that (getting back together to work on the marriage) anymore." or "I'm afraid it's not that easy anymore."

A wayward wife losing her attraction for OM1 is only 1/3 of the battle, Arc. If you don't RE-attract her, by working on your GALing and your self-improvements, she will more likely turn to an OM2 than she will to return to the marriage.



Arcola, go back and re-read your old threads. You've been given exceptional advice by both men (Theoden, Jefe, me and others) and women (Train, Twinmom, a RARE appearance by DB success story Pearlhrbr, and others) alike, and it was actually pretty alarming to re-read and notice how you virtually IGNORED ALL OF IT. People would post to you, suggest books, ask you questions, and you wouldn't respond, you'd disappear for several days or weeks, and then just sudden resume posting with "So an update . . . "

What is is you want here? Are you just venting? That's fine if that's what you want to do, but it's NOT going to fix your marriage.

I'm done wasting my time. All of the advice I've already given you is there if you care to re-read it, once you're serious about trying to save your marriage and your intact family.


Starsky

Last edited by Starsky309; 03/26/15 01:52 PM.

M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Starsky,

I appreciate your straight forward advice as well as others here on the boards. Falling into those low points are when I find myself disregarding principles or as I’m coming to believe that I’m codependent to her. I truly want to save my marriage as others on here.

This contradicts what I just said, but in the beginning I read any and every article that applied to my situation. I hung around another similar site, with same principles but focused on exposing the affair and also read the DB book. However, lows, mix of feelings, my natural personality, led me astray in my goal to save my marriage.

I do post here looking for advice or reassurance, but I know I’m probably being complacent, hoping for things to just turn around quickly. I do read the latest few posts on some threads each night before I go to bed, but I’m tending to look for that silver bullet that just turns this around. I paid for the three 50 minute sessions back in Dec., had one in Dec., and haven’t scheduled another one since.

Not on the defense here, but I haven’t put forth the 100% I should.

Alpha,

OM2 is in another country. He is military and was on a short assignment here. This instance of sex we had comes about 5 months since we last had sex. No, she hasn’t been tested and neither have I yet.

We are separated and we split the time caring for the kids 50/50 for the most part. I have them Wed. evening – Saturday mornings. We tend to spend a lot of time together, especially on weekends when we take the kids somewhere that is not in our small city. When I pull back and don’t pursue, she tends to start conversation on something. It’s hard to tell if she’s reacting to my semi-detachment or if I'm misperceiving her.

Last edited by Arcola; 03/26/15 04:33 PM.

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Arcola, I will leave you with a little fix, below. Maybe when you learn to honestly NAME the issue, you can begin to learn how to ATTACK it.

Peace,


Starsky

Originally Posted By: Arcola


This contradicts what I just said, but in the beginning I read any and every article that applied to my situation. I hung around another similar site, with same principles but focused on exposing the affair and also read the DB book. However, lows, mix of feelings, my natural personality fear led me astray in my goal to save my marriage.


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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This morning I had an encounter with OM at D9's school since it was Donuts with Dad. D9 chose where her and I sat, which happened to be just some open spot at one of the cafeteria tables. OM was about 6 bodies down from us. Our encounter came when I was about to walk D9 out to the playground. His kids and mine met at the door and he commented on how S1 (had him with me) had grown. I simply said Yes, he's growing.

One of OM's kids isn't special needs but is hyper and has some minor disorder. He attends class with all the other students. This son of his however has always when I've been in his presence came up to me to give me hugs and say hi. Due to how I feel about OM, it affects how I feel about his kids. I don't have any direct feelings towards his kids, but when I'm in their presence it just feels awkward talking with them or whatever.

My last encounter with OM this morning was him holding the door open for me as I walked into the front office. He was going out and I was coming in. I said, hi again and then said thank you since he held the door.

I sometimes feel like I'm past OM and what he's done, but seeing him just reignites some anger I still have.


Me:30 W:34
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I spent most of Easter with W and kids. Interactions between W and I were somewhat pleasant. The kids enjoyed themselves as they got to play with some friends at the park and at W's house.

Over the past 3 weeks I've been good about detachment and not pursuing W. A couple of weekends ago when we went out of town with the kids, I didn't touch W at all during our outing or when we went to bed. I'm glad that on that weekend I didn't pursue and so far have not since. There are times I want to, but I don't. I think of all the advice that's given here and also of how W and I got in this situation and her actions. Those help me to not pursue.

Recently W must be hurting or something. She's come at me today about wanting some of the kids yard toys to have at her house. She bought paint and stuff today for her house. She made a statement that at first she thought of her rental as temporary, but she might as well make it as home as much as possible.

In regards to the kids yard toys, we had agreed she could get some, and I said I would help and this happened when we were leaving the park earlier today. At no point did I get angry or mention our sitch. After we left, we went our separate ways and she later sends me a text saying she thinks we both sometimes get defensive when she asks for stuff and that's why she usually doesn't. And she also said, "I don't want it to get ugly and have to go to court and split things up so hopefully we can get used to talking about these things.

I didn't respond to that text and 21 minutes later she sends me a text saying she'd like this and that from the back yard if I wouldn't mind. Once again I didn't respond.

When I went over to her house for Easter dinner none of this got mentioned, but something else happened. I took it upon myself to say nothing and open her fridge and grab me a beer. She made some smart statement about, "Oh, well you can have a beer." I then made it worse when I said can I open this drawer for the bottle opener. She responded, "If you want to act like a jerk you can leave."

We both ended up apologizing to each other. However, she goes on to say how she hates coming over to our marital home and how its so hard for her to get past what she once had. Her statements were making it all one-sided as to her feelings and having to come to the marital home for kid exchange/pick up. I validated, but told her I don't enjoy that my kids have to split their time between another home that I have to be in sometimes too.

The rest of the evening was okay. We didn't speak much to each other unless it was about how we'd go about hiding the kids Easter eggs and stuff.

I don't know where things are headed. I don't want divorce, but I want to ask her if she wants divorce. I just don't know what she plans to achieve by this whole S since we don't talk about it at all until she has gotten so mad for some reason.


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Arcola,

It sounds like you're doing a lot better recently in holding back, not pursuing, and so on. Personally, I would not mention D again to your W. Every time you do you're just floating that idea in her head. You just have to roll with it I'm afraid. What things are you doing to improve yourself? What other 180s besides pulling back have you tried?

As for her one sided feelings conversation, you just have to suck it up. It's good your W is sharing her feelings with you. Validate as you have been wherever possible. Make sure you give her full attention when she speaks. Be cool. Be the best you, you can be!


BD - 30TH JAN 2015
S - 30TH JAN 2015
PA CONFIRMED - 16TH FEB 2015 (SINCE AT LEAST OCT 2014)
CONTINUAL TALK OF D
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W: 28
T: 10yrs
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Originally Posted By: Arcola


In regards to the kids yard toys, we had agreed she could get some, and I said I would help and this happened when we were leaving the park earlier today. At no point did I get angry or mention our sitch. After we left, we went our separate ways and she later sends me a text saying she thinks we both sometimes get defensive when she asks for stuff and that's why she usually doesn't. And she also said, "I don't want it to get ugly and have to go to court and split things up so hopefully we can get used to talking about these things.

I didn't respond to that text and 21 minutes later she sends me a text saying she'd like this and that from the back yard if I wouldn't mind. Once again I didn't respond.


Arcola, good job on not pursuing your wife physically, but why would you not respond to legitimate questions about your kids' stuff? I think that comes across as petty, and it probably led to the totally unnecessary altercation about the beer.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

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Starsky,
In hindsight I see that I ignored her on something petty. At the moment I felt that we had already agreed it would happen, so there wasn't much left to discuss. Ill keep in mind discussion of kid affairs shouldn't be ignored.

Alpha99,
I been working out usually 5 days of the week for at least 60 minutes either cardio or weight training. I'm hoping to transform myself, be healthy, and look good for me if I'll have to move on in the end. Most of my GAL happens to be with the W as of late. My thought of GAL is getting out of the house and doing something. However, I lack the getting out and doing something. There is a friend back from overseas I need to connect with. There is also a friend from work who I havent hung out with in a few weeks. I want to get out of my comfort zone, and do something that I wouldn't usually do. I do need to put more focus and energy in overall GAL. I'm happy most days with my regular routine, but the sometime during the weekends I usually hit a low.


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I don't know what to think of my LRT. I'm detached I feel with a lot of anger and sadness harboring inside me. Since last weekend I feel I've hit lows each day. Throughout the day contact with W is minimal, maybe 1 email exchange about kids or something important. Minimal conversation when we are in presence of each other.

It seems things went from us being friendly to less friendly. I can't say either is optimal given she's still in the fog in my opinion. Nonetheless, I'm sticking to the LRT.

Last night I counted three more months until her lease is up again. I'm thinking of throwing in the towel if things don't appear on the up then. Right now its a feeling, but who knows if I'll actually do so come that time.

Aside from my responsibilities kids, work, home, school, I need to pick up in the GAL department to avoid these recent lows I'm experiencing.

Today, I scheduled an appointment with DB counselor for Friday.


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You read DB right?

The problem is that while you're in LRT, or any stage of DB, you have to keep working on yourself. The more you GAL, the stronger you become. I feel that you still concentrate on your W very much. Let that go.


M-43 W-40
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Emotion, yet peace.
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Arcola,

I am only taking the first real steps of GAL and I can honestly say that it does change your mindset. You have to do enough of it though to have a lasting effect. Doing something once a week isn't enough. You need to focus on YOU and YOUR LIFE and get the most out of it you can. What hobbies do you have? Have you neglected them? Why not try a new one. Get in touch with old friends. Join a club etc and try and make new ones. Go out there and live your life. I'm sure that you will find that life does go on, you will start to feel better instead of dwelling on things all the time, and that contrast in YOU may over time be noticed by your spouse. Done properly it seems that this wouldn't necessarily matter as you would be in such a good place that you will be living a full and fantastic life, and if your spouse misses out on that then surely someone else will spot the new and fantastic YOU.


BD - 30TH JAN 2015
S - 30TH JAN 2015
PA CONFIRMED - 16TH FEB 2015 (SINCE AT LEAST OCT 2014)
CONTINUAL TALK OF D
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Mr Bond,
Yes I've read DB. I'm hoping to get to that point where my overall happiness doesn't revolve around my W.

Alpha99
My GAL needs a boost. During the week M - F its okay because I have work so gym during lunch and after work is about it, and sometimes eating out during lunch. On Mon and Tues. I could fit in some after work GAL since I don't have the kids. I know I'm still at a point where I tend to wait thinking "what if W" instead of just prior planning and following through.

I've read some of your recent posts and you seem to be on the steady up with GAL and your overall attitude towards the situation. That's great!

Blogging...
Monday I decided to look at W's Facebook page, and bam! there's a selfie of her to some dude she works with. The caption said something like to my buddy OM3 the king of selfies, hope you're having fun, uhh I mean working hard.

It did get me down seeing this. Now that I'm not down about it, I'm just thinking to myself, "W how can you be so out of it. OM3 is like 24 and no kids. What are you thinking?"

So, since I'm a work in progress, I will pass along this advice...to anyone in the roots of their sitch, please! please! please! do not wait out the affair and think that there won't be another OM or OW.


Today when I was picking up D9 from her after school program OM1 kids are leaving and his youngest son comes up and hugs me. I hug back, patting him on the back. His daughter (friends with my D9) says hello and his oldest hadn't come out yet. It wasn't OM1 picking them up. I'm not sure who it was. I'm guessing it was OM1's ex-wife boyfriend. Anyway, he's parked next to me and I'm walking back to my vehicle with my 4 kids inside and they are going crazy calling, screaming OM1's kids name, twisted all out their booster seats and asking where's OM1. The where's OM1 made me upset, but I calmly told them to settle down and sit straight. After doing so, one of them asked once more about OM1 and I said calmly, but irritated, "I don't really care about OM1." D9 hears this from me and proceeds to say, "Okay guys, daddy doesn't like OM1 and tried to say something to the effect of he wasn't in their life.

Supposedly, OM1 is semi out the picture. However, after hearing D9's comment, knowing that she is just nosy anyway, and not to mention she witnessed me and W arguing a couple of times prior to S, I'm pretty sure she's aware of what's going on. I've asked her before how she felt about the two homes, but she just says its okay. She's one to be chatty so I don't know if she's holding things inside or not, but she appears to be okay. The others too given the situation.

Last edited by Arcola; 04/17/15 05:02 AM.

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get rid of your wife from FB.
You know what is going on you don't need to keep punishing yourself by checking up what she is doing.


Me:40 W:35
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WAW: 7/14
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Moved out and moved on

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I completely agree with OTU. Go for social media lockdown. Seeing that stuff does not help at all!


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I read an article today that Russell Crowe was trying to reconcile with his estranged wife. I'm thinking wow, someone with money and fame is hanging in there trying to make things work. From what I read it seems they've been separated 2 years. Anyway, I thought I'd share, because it surprised me someone who is famous is trying to make it work.


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Originally Posted By: MrBond
You read DB right?

The problem is that while you're in LRT, or any stage of DB, you have to keep working on yourself. The more you GAL, the stronger you become. I feel that you still concentrate on your W very much. Let that go.


W needs to be even a smaller priority to you than you are to her. So your life needs to be 98% bigger than your response to her.

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I hung out with a friend of W and I at the bar tonight. Pretty good GAL. I did mention that we were S when he asked how the family was. However, I didn't tell him the full story. I left it at we have our issues we're trying to work out and he didn't inquire any further. Its too late in the sitch now, but if there are any other mutual friends out there that aren't aware that's the approach I plan to take. I don't think its right to make her look like the bad guy with mutual friends.

I've started reading an older thread here,

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1603624&page=2

in hopes that I can gain some insight to what the WAW is thinking. Its goes along with what vets have said on this thread and others, but I've been wading back and forth in what I should do.


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Hello DBers. I was wondering if maybe I'm doing too much when it comes to getting W a gift for Mother's Day? I got the idea because I received a Groupon email for Mother's Day gifts. Last night I bought W a necklace with a pendant with 8 birthstones. Each birthstone on the pendant signifies each child we've had except one represents twins we had. Prior to sitch W and I have lost 4 children either still birth or premature. Moreover, their are engravings on the pendant that say the words "All My Angels" and (heart shape) Always

The reason I ask if its too much is
1) Our sitch
2) On past Mother's Days the gifts haven't been sentimental aside from the card

Its already bought because I didn't want to miss out on personalization and it arriving on time. Also, since sitch and working on 180s I've not waited to the last minute (1 - 2 days before occasion whether for her or children) to get a gift.


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I would make the gift very much about the kids and not at all about you. Maybe they could wrap it - each doing a layer of wrap or something. Or make a bigger parcel and she undoes the layers and there's the little box inside. Hand or footprints from your little ones and so on. Plus cards from them. And very much stay in the background, so it is from them and they enjoy giving the gift.

She will know that you got it, but you got it from them to her...

JMHO :-)


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
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We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Hasn't Mother's Day been and gone? Has in the uk

Anyway I agree with toots. Get her something she wants or that the kids want to get her. My d8 (me)got w makeup bag and some makeup. Nothing sentimental at all. Anything sentimental will be seen as needy and pursuing and she'll see straight through it


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This year mothers day is May 10.... It's the second Sunday in May for the US


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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Toots,
I'm finding it difficult to distinguish the feelings between a gift I want to get her and helping the kids with a gift. I think the necklace which is about the kids might be taken as "Oh he's trying to impress me.", but I also take the same with me helping the kids make her a gift. The reason I feel this way about the kids gift is because in the past she's always been the one to get involved with them in crafts and I'd be on sideline maybe helping some. If by what you mean from the kids, me going in the store, asking them what they want, and bringing it home and see what happens...yeah I can do that.

About three months ago and X amount days I thought it was Mother's Day. Once I realized it wasn't I made myself a note at work of the correct date. That being said, I knew the date was near, but I also wasn't thinking of the WoWing her gift.

I know my marriage is dead and may or may not turn into something better. I say that because the gift is personalized, cost $140 (no refund) and if not given on Mother's Day I don't see how it would be appropriate any other day down the road.

Last edited by Arcola; 05/03/15 11:29 PM.

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You said it on the first line "gift I want to get her"
You shouldn't be getting her any gifts. It's just pursuit. If you wanna make something with the kids then that's great as that's about spending some quality time with them.
I'm still annoyed that I only found out Wifes affair after Xmas by which time I'd spent a load of money on her Xmas presents!! Ce la vie


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I didn't get wife anything for Mother's Day. I wanted to at least get a card, but I definitely didn't feel about W like the romantic ones read, and the funny ones didn't reflect my feelings either.

Today W took the kids to her friends house for Mother's Day. Earlier this week I had asked if I could take her and the kids out to eat Sat. and she responded that we should take the kids to do something and she didn't want to go out to eat. So I agreed, but Saturday's plan didn't happen as D9 had a sleepover and would need to be picked up at noon (the city we frequent for recreation is about 1hr 30min away). She did offer to still go that evening, but I said no, because I had other plans. I mention Sun. and she said she forgot about her plans with her friend so Sun. wouldn't work.

So today I went out myself and did some gambling, eating, shopping. I ended up bringing W back a slice of cheesecake. I thought it'd be a nice gesture since I know she likes this certain kind and we don't have a Cheesecake Factory in our town.

2.5 months ago I snooped and found out W had met someone at her other job. I couldn't confirm whether it was PA or not, plus I was referred to as her ex. After finding this out I confronted her about it and went LRT since she stood by she didn't feel like she wanted to work on our M. Since then and me practicing LRT, nothing has improved between W and I. No D talks or S talks (although we're already S). Most of our talks are about the kids or some other asset we share names on that needs to be paid. I know I'm practicing LRT, but I'd say out of 100 conversations, less than 10 have been about anything more than the aforementioned.

Also, I truly believe W has an OM or OMs. There's been a few outings she's had with a group from her 2nd job, and there's always this coworker guy with her, next to her (me snooping Facebook posts). A couple of weeks ago she went to a wedding and I kept the kids, and later saw that this coworker guy in pictures with her, they rode together in the back seat of her friends car to and from the wedding. D9 has mentioned the guy coming over a couple of times with or without his sister. From pictures I've seen his sister is probably 11 - 14. Also, W taking him some egg rolls although supposedly per D9, D9 took the eggs rolls in to him or on the porch. Lastly, there is still the selfie she took for a coworker at her 1st job some months ago.

On a family note, we have a date in July set for adopting S1, S4, and D3. I'm anxious to see if after that W will file or have a "talk" with me about our sitch. We had to stay married in order to adopt the kids.

Its almost a year now since my sitch started. I do still think of W from time to time and have hope that things might turn around, but its tiring. I'd rate my GAL on a scale of 10 at 7. My overall attitude around her is happy go lucky, but as I just said this process is tiring. Lately, I've felt like throwing in the towel. Despite wanting my M to be turned around, I'm starting to long for female friendship. Yes, I'd like companionship, but I don't feel like that is best for right now.

At this point would I be headed down the wrong path to seek female friendship? I know it seems cover-up to say friendship, but I would like some interactions, GAL with a female.


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Did you say you were adopting 3 very young children in July? If that is true please rethink the situation you are locking them into. Using these children as pawns to win your W back doesn't sound like a positive environment for them.


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We had the kids in our care at least 7 or so months before BD. Since BD, I've always thought how terrible it is they'd be adopted into this mess between her and I. I also feared child support for 5 kids. However, I love these kids we are soon to adopt. My oldest, D9, we got in our care at 3 and adopted at age 5, and D4 is ours. So I began to look at it as if this doesn't work out between W and I, somewhere down the road, the truth or what is believed to be truth will come out and they'll (the ones we're adopting) think, "Oh, he didn't want to be my dad." I feel I'm coming off as defensive, but you'd be surprised at what a 3 year old retains. D9 which got in our care at age 3 remembers he mom in jail, her sisters going with their grandma and not her, and the family she stayed with prior to being placed with us.

If I were to not be a part of the adoption, I'm sure she'd still adopt them on her own. But as I mentioned above, I'm not leaving them hanging. I guess I'm blind when people question me on still adopting these kids. However, they definitely aren't being used as pawns. The only thing I wish to accomplish by adopting them is that I'm their dad. D3's paternity dad is who knows where and S4 and S1 paternity dad is in jail for 30 plus years from now. Fostering these kids for the time we have, they are like my own and I feel that way about them.

Last edited by Arcola; 05/11/15 07:58 PM.

Me:30 W:34
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Tonight I called wife because Ive came to my end of trying to save our marriage. In telling her that I have been trying and didn't know what to do to help us, she responded with her feelings and that she still doesn't feel things can be better between us.

I accepted the fact that this is probably it. So I asked her to tell me truth if she had been seeing/sleeping with anyone since we've been S. At first she didn't want to tell me and prior to telling me gave me reasons that were to sugarcoat the fact or to make the impact less powerful. So after expressing her feelings and acknowledging that she was seeing someone, she told me that they had slept together.

I'm over my crying as I type this, but it hurt to finally hear from her mouth my suspicions. I hope that it gives me closure and helps me on my way of whatever my future is.

I know I tried to save our marriage and may not have done the best I could. But it helps me to know I did try. I can't quite pinpoint a feeling for knowing I'm at this point in my journey, but I didn't expect or want to see myself make it to this point. Others' threads I've came across that just ended or abruptly ended (older DBers prior 2015) I always wondered was it truly their end or if anything changed despite them no longer being on the boards. So like I said I can't pinpoint a feeling, but this will probably be the last post and if not last, signify the end of my DB journey.

I know now all I can do is look after me and ensure my children are taken care of.

Last edited by Arcola; 05/14/15 04:48 AM.

Me:30 W:34
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I'm so sorry, Arcola -- I know that must've really stung. I may not have always (or even much) agreed with your approach, but the fact is you did FIGHT for your marriage, and you will always have that. I respect that, always.

You never know what the future holds. Moving on doesn't mean "giving up," either. Prepare yourself -- it's when they sense that you really HAVE moved on, that they often come back (ref.: that great scene from the movie "Swingers" . . . so true!).

Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Hey Arcola

Its sh1t and hurts like hell but believe me it does get a little easier as time passes on. I'm 4 months further and feel so much better than I did in those first few weeks.
Best advice ever is just to let them go. They want greener grass? let them have it. Move on and look forward to a new part of your life.
I wouldn't hold onto what Starsky is saying but he's right. Seen it numerous times on here and loads of other sites. When they realise you've gone for good they often come back round to wanting the marriage back. I've seen it with a couple of my friends. By that point they had well and truly moved on themselves and weren't interested. don't hold onto to hope. It just holds you back.
Good luck with you future and with you kids.


Me:40 W:35
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Hi Arcola, I'm so sorry to hear that.....as Cadet always says, the ultimate decision is yours and if you haven't yet made that ultimate decision, there is always hope. Only you can decide what you want to do. If you are truly done, and can move on in peace knowing you gave your all to try and save your M, then I wish you well indeed.

As others have said, sometimes once we truly let go, the fear of losing us starts to bite and things can turn - but who knows.

If you keep the focus on you and being the best Dad you can be, you can't go wrong IMHO. Keep posting my friend....

T :-)


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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I'm back. Despite my last post, its just overwhelming the feelings I feel from day to day. After discovering WAW being PA with this OM I thought for sure I was hanging it up. I thought not posting here would keep me from having hope. I still read others threads each day, possibly looking for hope, but also hoping that some of the other sitchs I'm current with might reconcile with their spouse.

Not much has changed since discovery of PA. This past weekend I drove out with WAW and kids to her BIL house since D9 would be staying there for a month during the summer. The visit was pleasant. However, I failed at DB principles when it came night time. WAW and I slept in the same bed Saturday and Sunday night. Saturday I tried to have sex with her and Sunday I tried and even asked. Nothing happened I'm thankful for now in hindsight. However, I feel so pathetic. During the moment and even now knowing that I tried. I feel pathetic because I without a doubt know she's in PA with OM but here I am still trying to have sex. I even bought condoms, thinking something might happen. We're still legally married so I want to steer clear of getting involved with someone else. Also, I feel it will greatly impact my decision making going forward with whatever may be the end result of my marriage. The sexual desire is overwhelming. I know it goes against our marriage for me to be involved with another woman, but after my last post, I lost a big chunk of hope. I've recently gained some back, but still the desire to have sexual relations lingers.

On a side note, I had my HIV and STD test done this past Friday, so I'll know if going forward I'm good to go. Per WAW when she told me she had been in PA with OM, she hadn't been PA with anyone else prior us having sex in March.

I furthermore feel pathetic that I went with her to BIL. I wanted to see D9 off, but just being there I felt I was more a cover-up for WAW than anything. BIL and FIL stay directly across the street from each other and are aware that we're separated, but I don't think either of them know WAW is PA with another man. Her BIL is on his soon to be 3rd marriage. He has kids from both previous marriages and seeks to marry and have kids with the current lady he's with. Her father, age 54 or so, is divorced from her mom due to his constant infidelity while they were married. He also has a 13 year old son from a mistress while he was married to WAW's mom. Furthermore, he's divorced from his last wife of about 3 years in which they have a 6 year old daughter and is now seeing a 34 year old divorced woman who has 2 kids. I said all that to say this, despite her family history, WAW is a complete hypocrite when they talk about her father's actions. Pretty much nowadays he pays little attention to his older children, none to his 13 year old son in another state 4 hours away, uses his youngest as a pawn with dealings with his former wife, and is involved with younger women whom are married or not. So in these conversations she's quick to say her father is wrong, but her life is seemingly taking a turn for the same at least with infidelity as I see it.

I've learned through D9 that OM is present around the kids. D9 has shared bits and pieces with me without me even asking. Once in the past I asked about this OM, but have refrained from doing so anymore. From best my knowledge of him, I don't believe he has kids, although I think he is raising or helping raise his younger sister (about 12 years old). It bothers me for my children's safety since OM is like 24 - 27 and has no kids. It bothers me that she would introduce the kids to OM because I feel it'll hurt her reputation in the long run. I'm going to have to read up on AZ laws in regards to divorce/separation, but from other's threads it seems there's nothing a LBS can do if they are separated and there is no evidence of harm or foul play.

I don't know if D9 is putting up an emotional front, siding with wife, or what. I wonder sometimes if D9's foster past age 0 - 3 had a major impact on her since she moved around quite a bit and was aware of parents being in jail. Its like this OM thing is all cool with her from what I perceive. I wonder if she sides with WAW or if WAW tells her to not mention OM, because a couple of weeks ago I went over to drop off some new clothes for D9 to try on prior going to BIL. WAW had some friends with kids over and D9 and some of the other kids were jumping on the trampoline. When I went out to speak to her, one of the little girls (I'm guessing she's 5 or 6) just blurts out to me OM was here. D9 made a face at her that was like why are you saying that.

I don't know what emotional affect OM being present will have on my younger ones. D4, S4, and D3 are all pretty aware of their surroundings and through conversation I know they somewhat understand in general the things that go on around them regardless of the sitch with WAW and I.

Now, I'd like to rant on OM. He's 24 - 26, 3 jobs per Facebook (no white-collar jobs), and shares a place with someone per sites that collect info on people. Per a resume he had online (it read like sh*t) he had a short stint in the Army. I wish I knew more about his Army career as I was in the Army and got honorably discharged after my first enlistment. In my opinion I'm the exact opposite of OM.

DISCLAIMER: I'm only comparing myself to OM and not the world as a whole. Nothing is wrong with not having a white collar job, having to share a place, or being young and having no kids, but this stems off of what I feel WAW left behind and went to that supposedly makes her happy.

I've read on a few sites that the next spouse/person usually doesn't look as good as the first. In my opinion I feel this is true.

Knowing WAW is PA with OM and he's over at her house and all, I can't feel comfortable going over to her house to see the kids. Ever since we separated, I've seen the kids each evening they've been with her. In hindsight, I don't know if me wanting to see WAW outweighed me wanting to see the children. I do know underneath those feelings of wanting to visit is the feeling that I don't want my children to think less of me somehow because they didn't see me for a day. I'm from a divorced family, and of 100% I'm 99% closer to my mom. My dad didn't physically abuse me or neglect me financially, but through ever other weekend visits (age 8-16) with him and him not taking a genuine interest in me, I grew closer to my mom than him. So given my past, it haunts me that this may be the case down the road with me. I always felt our kids took to WAW more than me as is.

Now I feel like I'll just take it upon myself to see my kids when she's picking them up at daycare so I don't have to go over to her house the days she has them. As I stated earlier, I just can't feel comfortable going over there anymore knowing she's full on PA with OM. The simplest sight of anything can just arouse the emotions and have my mind wondering this, that, and the other. I wish I could have spared myself the harm this morning as OM's car was parked at her house when I went to drop off the kids sippy cups in her car for daycare since they left them in my car Fri. after me picking them up.




Last edited by Arcola; 05/26/15 04:44 PM.

Me:30 W:34
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Hi all. Ive been seldomly lurking amongst the boards and have just let my W go with her continuing her affair. Now that the kids have been adopted we're moving towards separating major assets.

I'm back here today for a question. Lately alot of instances have arose where I might encounter W and OM. This Fri. two children we once fostered are being adopted by their grandparents and I know she's going to attend and I plan on attending too. I don't know if OM will be there. So, my question is anyone who has found themselves in similar situations with OM/OW present how did you play it? Did you let your emotions show or did you just act like it was A-okay?


Me:30 W:34
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Be civil, the most reasonable guy in the room. Treat him as you'd treat a distant acquaintance -- no more, no less. Most importantly, try to EXUDE CONFIDENCE -- YOU are not the one who needs to feel awkward for being there!!!


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Hey Starsky, thanks for the advice. I feel a little better going into the adoption come Fri.


Me:30 W:34
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Is it Matt777 who writes - I'm a street walkin' cheetah with Napalm in my pocket?? grin


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Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Hi all. I'm not intentionally trying to DB my sitch anymore, but I am trying to move on as best I can. I don't know what to think of W's email reply to me today. Is this good or bad? Just wondering?

Talk in regards to kids activities led up to the relationship talk. That stuff has been removed. Also, a few notes:
-we aren't seeing a counselor together or alone, I'm not seeing anyone, but she knows I have been with 2 women since I confirmed she was in a PA. I never brought these women around my kids nor do they know of them.
-On a couple of occasions I've had to visit my kids and OM was there. I've had to out of nowhere hear one or more of my kids talk about OM. I've seen OM and her with kids about town.
-we're moving slow as a snail dividing major assets (house, cars, etc.)

-----Original Message-----
From: Wife
Sent: Tuesday, September 01, 2015 2:40 PM
To: Arcola
Subject: RE: HI



I was just talking to the counselor this morning and acknowledging that we seem to talk less and less as time goes on. I don't know if it's because I am seeing someone and that's still something that is hard to deal with or if it's because you might be seeing someone, if it's that we're avoiding the fact that we eventually need to talk and work something out or if it's that we are mad at one another. I just don't know. I feel like I try to talk to you and keep communication open but I don't really get much back so I start to feel like I talk too much and maybe you don't want to hear it anyway. Maybe like you said, you just don't have anything to say to me and maybe I'm expecting too much. Okay I'm rambling and as I reread that first part I realize that I have over used the word "maybe".


-----Original Message-----
From: Arcola
Sent: Tuesday, September 01, 2015 2:05 PM
To: Wife
Subject: RE: HI

My apologies for not responding to how I was doing, but I'm doing good and
everything is okay. Yeah, I agree we don't talk much. Most of the time I
don't have much to say unless its in regards to the kids. I appreciate you
scheduling their appointments and all. When it comes to the dentist I don't
consider that until there's an obvious issue. I haven't forgot about
so and so birthday and my apologies for not responding to that subject from
your text this weekend. So and so dad texted me during lunch that he'd be in town
and about the party for his son. I do plan on going to his party, but as far
as riding with everyone or driving myself I'm not sure yet. I was thinking
about visiting/staying in such and such city Sat. night, but I'm not sure yet.


-----Original Message-----
From: Wife
Sent: Tuesday, September 01, 2015 1:33 PM
To: Arcola
Subject: RE: HI



I know we seem to be talking less and less, I don't know if you feel that
way or if it's just me, I just was wondering how you are doing and if
everything is okay?









Last edited by Arcola; 09/01/15 10:26 PM.

Me:30 W:34
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Arcola

I'm confused here, your wife is still with the other man right?


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PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months
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Ontheup,
Yes she's still with OM. This isn't bomb drop OM but OM3 I'll say and they've been involved for months now. She still communicates with OM1 I'm guessing because they work in same building and my D9 is friends with his daughter. OM3 has pretty much moved in or is over so so much from what I can tell.

Last edited by Arcola; 09/02/15 01:17 AM.

Me:30 W:34
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I cant see that there is anything to save here?

Your wife has been with 3 different men and by all accounts has no intention of ever coming back to you.

I would just keep moving forward with your life. She wanted out, she has that now so surely she should be happy.
Over time it gets easier and easier and you think about the situation les and less.

Ad far as any interaction with her I would just keep it about the children and finances. There really is nothing else to talk about.


Me:40 W:35
D:8
T:13 M:10
WAW: 7/14
PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months
Moved out and moved on

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Ontheup,
Thanks for the encouraging words. That's pretty much how our interactions are with each other. Still legally married but living separated. No date set to talk again, but we've both agreed our finances aren't where they should be to divorce. We still share the asset of two homes, one rental which we both pay on and on the to keep a rental. The marital home which I pay, and one of the vehicles which she pays.

Sometimes I wish she'd come back and want to work on the marriage and sometimes I don't. Nonetheless, I'm in a better place now coming up past a year since bomb drop.


Me:30 W:34
M:8 T:9
D:9 D:4 D:3 S:4 S:1
D bomb: 8/2014
S 12/2014
PA Confirmed in 3/2015 if I recall correctly
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