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#2551174 03/26/15 05:14 AM
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Arcola Offline OP
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I'm assuming the threads lock at 100. My old one is at 97 so I'm starting a new one. Old thread here

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484336#Post2484336

SUMMARY: WAW and I are still separated. She's still in contact with OM, but it is very seldom. Have confirmed from her and others that they had their falling out. An OM2 came along but supposedly nothing physical. She's ashamed that she got to know OM2. No mention of divorce.

So in my last post of old thread I thought I discovered W had been physical with OM2 through her text messages. I did confront her about it, but she says they never had sex. I asked several times if she was telling the truth, but she stuck to nothing happened. She even spoke on their encounters and how they met. I haven't reread the text convo which I recorded with my phone, but I don't know whether she's telling me the truth or not.

This past Mon. was our 9yr anniversary. We didn't spend the typical anniversary together. We did make grocery with each other and the kids because we both had to get things from the store. When she dropped me off at home and while unloading my groceries, I said to her that I wanted to acknowledge that today was our anniversary, it is what it is, I know this isn't the typical way an anniversary is thought of, but I just wanted to acknowledge it. She said okay. She had to get something out of the marital home and when she came back out she got in her vehicle, but then got back out to say somewhat of the same to me, and proceeded to give me a 10 sec or so hug.

Yesterday, I was on Facebook and noticed she had posted something about me in regards to our anniversary. It read,

"9 years ago I married an amazing man. A man that I have been through some great times with and a man that I have been through hell with. We may not always see eye to eye and we continue to go through tough times but he is still and will always be an amazing man. God knows I was not an easy woman to deal with and we have had more than our fair share of suffering but Arcola has grounded me, provided for his family and been a loving father to any child who stepped foot through our door. I admire and respect so many things about him and am truly blessed to have him in my life."

I was touched, surprised, and didn't know what to make of this. I didn't Like or comment on it and I don't believe she knows I've read it.

Yesterday, W hit a low. Since we've been separated it seems she has had a rough time getting all the kids ready and getting to work on time. Her boss had commented on this. So she tells me of this and she's truly scared of losing her job, and feels the low that she is at. I don't want her to lose her job, so I offered solutions to help her out since she for the most part doesn't want me coming over in the morning to help get them ready.

She sent me an email today while at work stating she was having dreams/nightmares about our situation last night. She didn't go into any detail, but it seems to me she is beginning to analyze our separation.

This weekend we are to spend it overnight in a nearby city, doing activities with the kids. Last weekend in this same city we stayed overnight and I pursued and we ended up having sex. I hope that my will power is strong enough to keep me from pursuing this weekend. She has told me before she doesn't necessarily welcome my advances. Nonetheless, she has commented that she enjoys the time we spend together with the kids, but doesn't know if its because of how we interact with the kids together or because she enjoys being around me individually too. When she does say she has had a good time, I simply reply I enjoyed myself too.

Last edited by Arcola; 03/26/15 05:20 AM.

Me:30 W:34
M:8 T:9
D:9 D:4 D:3 S:4 S:1
D bomb: 8/2014
S 12/2014
PA Confirmed in 3/2015 if I recall correctly
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She may be still sleeping with OM and you continue to have sex with her. Isn't this facilitating cake eating? Has she been checked for STDs? Good to be civil with children involved but it seems like you may be plan B. Regarding the facebook post, I wouldn't read too much into it personally: momentary reflection on an anniversary may not equate to thoughts of reconciliation.

You say you're separated. Do you have time alone with your children? If so, have you seen what happens if you pull back from your W? Is she drawn towards you?

Last edited by alpha99; 03/26/15 05:30 AM.

BD - 30TH JAN 2015
S - 30TH JAN 2015
PA CONFIRMED - 16TH FEB 2015 (SINCE AT LEAST OCT 2014)
CONTINUAL TALK OF D
ME: 31
W: 28
T: 10yrs
M: 4.5yrs
D:5, S:6
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
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Originally Posted By: Arcola


So in my last post of old thread I thought I discovered W had been physical with OM2 through her text messages. I did confront her about it, but she says they never had sex. I asked several times if she was telling the truth, but she stuck to nothing happened. She even spoke on their encounters and how they met. I haven't reread the text convo which I recorded with my phone, but I don't know whether she's telling me the truth or not.


There's about 95-99% chance she's not.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Originally Posted By: Arcola


So in my last post of old thread I thought I discovered W had been physical with OM2 through her text messages. I did confront her about it, but she says they never had sex. I asked several times if she was telling the truth . . .


Why do you ask her this? Do you SERIOUSLY think she is going to be truthful with you?

Arcola, you just don't seem to take infidelity as the grave threat to your marriage that the rest of us see that it is. How much studying have you done on the subject? The fact that you would sincerely ask your wayward wife at this point if she's cheating on you, and expect an honest answer, tells me that you're still not getting it.

You ignored advice about OM1 and it got you OM2. Are you waiting for OM3 before you seriously apply the concepts?


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Joined: Oct 2010
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Originally Posted By: Starsky309, on 11/7/2014
Stay detached, mysterious, interesting. Busiest guy in the room. Look good/smell good. Courteous, even engaging, but not NEEDY, not "MELTY MAN" and not PURSUING.

Make sense?

Let her come to you. And when she does, your answer is "Hmmm, I'll have to think about that. I'm not sure how I feel about that (getting back together to work on the marriage) anymore." or "I'm afraid it's not that easy anymore."

A wayward wife losing her attraction for OM1 is only 1/3 of the battle, Arc. If you don't RE-attract her, by working on your GALing and your self-improvements, she will more likely turn to an OM2 than she will to return to the marriage.



Arcola, go back and re-read your old threads. You've been given exceptional advice by both men (Theoden, Jefe, me and others) and women (Train, Twinmom, a RARE appearance by DB success story Pearlhrbr, and others) alike, and it was actually pretty alarming to re-read and notice how you virtually IGNORED ALL OF IT. People would post to you, suggest books, ask you questions, and you wouldn't respond, you'd disappear for several days or weeks, and then just sudden resume posting with "So an update . . . "

What is is you want here? Are you just venting? That's fine if that's what you want to do, but it's NOT going to fix your marriage.

I'm done wasting my time. All of the advice I've already given you is there if you care to re-read it, once you're serious about trying to save your marriage and your intact family.


Starsky

Last edited by Starsky309; 03/26/15 01:52 PM.

M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 99
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Arcola Offline OP
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Starsky,

I appreciate your straight forward advice as well as others here on the boards. Falling into those low points are when I find myself disregarding principles or as I’m coming to believe that I’m codependent to her. I truly want to save my marriage as others on here.

This contradicts what I just said, but in the beginning I read any and every article that applied to my situation. I hung around another similar site, with same principles but focused on exposing the affair and also read the DB book. However, lows, mix of feelings, my natural personality, led me astray in my goal to save my marriage.

I do post here looking for advice or reassurance, but I know I’m probably being complacent, hoping for things to just turn around quickly. I do read the latest few posts on some threads each night before I go to bed, but I’m tending to look for that silver bullet that just turns this around. I paid for the three 50 minute sessions back in Dec., had one in Dec., and haven’t scheduled another one since.

Not on the defense here, but I haven’t put forth the 100% I should.

Alpha,

OM2 is in another country. He is military and was on a short assignment here. This instance of sex we had comes about 5 months since we last had sex. No, she hasn’t been tested and neither have I yet.

We are separated and we split the time caring for the kids 50/50 for the most part. I have them Wed. evening – Saturday mornings. We tend to spend a lot of time together, especially on weekends when we take the kids somewhere that is not in our small city. When I pull back and don’t pursue, she tends to start conversation on something. It’s hard to tell if she’s reacting to my semi-detachment or if I'm misperceiving her.

Last edited by Arcola; 03/26/15 04:33 PM.

Me:30 W:34
M:8 T:9
D:9 D:4 D:3 S:4 S:1
D bomb: 8/2014
S 12/2014
PA Confirmed in 3/2015 if I recall correctly
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
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Arcola, I will leave you with a little fix, below. Maybe when you learn to honestly NAME the issue, you can begin to learn how to ATTACK it.

Peace,


Starsky

Originally Posted By: Arcola


This contradicts what I just said, but in the beginning I read any and every article that applied to my situation. I hung around another similar site, with same principles but focused on exposing the affair and also read the DB book. However, lows, mix of feelings, my natural personality fear led me astray in my goal to save my marriage.


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 99
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Arcola Offline OP
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This morning I had an encounter with OM at D9's school since it was Donuts with Dad. D9 chose where her and I sat, which happened to be just some open spot at one of the cafeteria tables. OM was about 6 bodies down from us. Our encounter came when I was about to walk D9 out to the playground. His kids and mine met at the door and he commented on how S1 (had him with me) had grown. I simply said Yes, he's growing.

One of OM's kids isn't special needs but is hyper and has some minor disorder. He attends class with all the other students. This son of his however has always when I've been in his presence came up to me to give me hugs and say hi. Due to how I feel about OM, it affects how I feel about his kids. I don't have any direct feelings towards his kids, but when I'm in their presence it just feels awkward talking with them or whatever.

My last encounter with OM this morning was him holding the door open for me as I walked into the front office. He was going out and I was coming in. I said, hi again and then said thank you since he held the door.

I sometimes feel like I'm past OM and what he's done, but seeing him just reignites some anger I still have.


Me:30 W:34
M:8 T:9
D:9 D:4 D:3 S:4 S:1
D bomb: 8/2014
S 12/2014
PA Confirmed in 3/2015 if I recall correctly
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 99
A
Arcola Offline OP
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Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 99
I spent most of Easter with W and kids. Interactions between W and I were somewhat pleasant. The kids enjoyed themselves as they got to play with some friends at the park and at W's house.

Over the past 3 weeks I've been good about detachment and not pursuing W. A couple of weekends ago when we went out of town with the kids, I didn't touch W at all during our outing or when we went to bed. I'm glad that on that weekend I didn't pursue and so far have not since. There are times I want to, but I don't. I think of all the advice that's given here and also of how W and I got in this situation and her actions. Those help me to not pursue.

Recently W must be hurting or something. She's come at me today about wanting some of the kids yard toys to have at her house. She bought paint and stuff today for her house. She made a statement that at first she thought of her rental as temporary, but she might as well make it as home as much as possible.

In regards to the kids yard toys, we had agreed she could get some, and I said I would help and this happened when we were leaving the park earlier today. At no point did I get angry or mention our sitch. After we left, we went our separate ways and she later sends me a text saying she thinks we both sometimes get defensive when she asks for stuff and that's why she usually doesn't. And she also said, "I don't want it to get ugly and have to go to court and split things up so hopefully we can get used to talking about these things.

I didn't respond to that text and 21 minutes later she sends me a text saying she'd like this and that from the back yard if I wouldn't mind. Once again I didn't respond.

When I went over to her house for Easter dinner none of this got mentioned, but something else happened. I took it upon myself to say nothing and open her fridge and grab me a beer. She made some smart statement about, "Oh, well you can have a beer." I then made it worse when I said can I open this drawer for the bottle opener. She responded, "If you want to act like a jerk you can leave."

We both ended up apologizing to each other. However, she goes on to say how she hates coming over to our marital home and how its so hard for her to get past what she once had. Her statements were making it all one-sided as to her feelings and having to come to the marital home for kid exchange/pick up. I validated, but told her I don't enjoy that my kids have to split their time between another home that I have to be in sometimes too.

The rest of the evening was okay. We didn't speak much to each other unless it was about how we'd go about hiding the kids Easter eggs and stuff.

I don't know where things are headed. I don't want divorce, but I want to ask her if she wants divorce. I just don't know what she plans to achieve by this whole S since we don't talk about it at all until she has gotten so mad for some reason.


Me:30 W:34
M:8 T:9
D:9 D:4 D:3 S:4 S:1
D bomb: 8/2014
S 12/2014
PA Confirmed in 3/2015 if I recall correctly
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 399
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Arcola,

It sounds like you're doing a lot better recently in holding back, not pursuing, and so on. Personally, I would not mention D again to your W. Every time you do you're just floating that idea in her head. You just have to roll with it I'm afraid. What things are you doing to improve yourself? What other 180s besides pulling back have you tried?

As for her one sided feelings conversation, you just have to suck it up. It's good your W is sharing her feelings with you. Validate as you have been wherever possible. Make sure you give her full attention when she speaks. Be cool. Be the best you, you can be!


BD - 30TH JAN 2015
S - 30TH JAN 2015
PA CONFIRMED - 16TH FEB 2015 (SINCE AT LEAST OCT 2014)
CONTINUAL TALK OF D
ME: 31
W: 28
T: 10yrs
M: 4.5yrs
D:5, S:6
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