WAS asked for divorce today.

[aNewGuy]

Your response will be a good way for me to gather Intel without becoming addicted to Intel gathering, to put it another way. Thanks again!

[aNewGuy]

And unfortunately if you mean the OM as being the predator, it is not something I can control at this time as much as I would love to stop the influence of other people in her life I simply do not have any control over that even if I know all there is to know about it. She seems happy with her decision.

[Starsky309]

So if she had, say, a gambling addiction and a loanshark kept coming around her trying to loan her money to get her to gamble some more, you would just passively allow it, saying "I have no control over her?"

I guess in my own sitch, I probably would have EVENTUALLY taken that tack. I mean, if after months or even a year my wife had seemed happy, and kept refusing to end her affair, at SOME point I would have just had to say "Well, if this is what you want, then so be it." But:

a) I would have long since removed myself from the situation; and

b) I would never do that (and didn't) without first FIGHTING for her, for some period of time (for me, it was hell-bent for 3 months). When she reconciled, she THANKED me for fighting for her.

Since affairs are highly addictive, I viewed my wife as sick, and the OM as a predator, and saw it within my role as her husband and the protector of our family to fight for her and fight to keep OM at bay as much as possible. Legally, financially, emotionally . . . everything at my disposal.

I guess we're just wired differently, you and I.

Starsky

[Starsky309]

Your response will be a good way for me to gather Intel without becoming addicted to Intel gathering, to put it another way. Thanks again!

You're welcome.

[aNewGuy]

Wow. I needed to hear that Starsky. Look I think in my situation I was blind to the reality of what was occurring for at least the past six months. I do not have much access to this other group of friends she has been around. I really believed this was just a phase that would blow over in our marriage until the very moment the bomb was dropped. I never imagined she would do what's occurring right now.

I don't even know where to begin the fight. All the wisdom I've gathered on the subject seems to point toward changing oneself.

And to go on the offensive now, isn't that perhaps too little too late?

It appears to me that in my situation I would practically be required to turn to social networking to fight this war.

It would be a huge 180 for me. I have avoided conflict like the plague for a long time.

And of course we are wired differently, that's why I am here because it's time to update the outdated electrical in this place...

[Starsky309]

And to go on the offensive now, isn't that perhaps too little too late?

Might be. What's your timeline again? Date of bomb drop? etc.? You should really put it in your autosignature -- it helps.

[Starsky309]

You could possibly create a sort of "System Restore point" for yourself and your wife if, say, you were to find out some new information (like existence of an OM, or something equally as significant) and then confront her on THAT.

In the mind of a wayward wife (and certainly, your wife is in a wayward mindset whether or not there is a current OM), the dynamics are quite a bit different if she is thinking "ANewGuy knows I'm having an affair (or "knows I've been lying to him"), and yet he still does ________ and says ________ and wants to _______" . . . vs. "Hmmmm, I wonder if he knows? Because if he does and he's still _______, ______ and _________, I think that's pretty weak -- he should be fighting for me! See, this is why I could never be married to him..." or "But if he DOESN'T know, that could explain his passivity."

See what I'm saying?

The dynamics are all very different when THEY know, and YOU know, and THEY KNOW THAT YOU KNOW . . . vs. when they think they've been successful in keeping you in the dark.

[aNewGuy]

I think that she thinks that I am in the dark. She should, at least, because I think that I am!

I have failed to realize the power of social media and the internet in all of this.

I will devote more time to a better response to your questions later, right now I am actually physically cleaning up and organizing in my house and I must keep on moving with that right now.


This thread has begun to put chills up my spine, thank you for your time and encouragement and wisdom. Answered prayers.

[Starsky309]

Happy to help, and I'll of course keep stopping by. But I'd encourage you to spend some time on Sandi's now-3-different, excellent LBH threads. So many pearls of wisdom in there about the wayward mindset, and how to deal with it (and how NOT to deal with it!)


Starsky

[aNewGuy]

Starsky,

I've been reading through a ton of the situations on this site. Jefe's sounds a lot like mine in many aspects.

I've been reading around here enough that I think I feel comfortable to start blogging. Anyone who wants to chime in, feel free. Here goes!

Some of this situation has caused me to wonder if I even want to try and save this marriage. Then I remember how very loving a marriage it's been for the first three years, and I love my wife just so very much!!

She filed for D on Wednesday. I agreed to meet her at lawyer's office. Should not have done that, just suffice it to say I had stupidly agreed to not fight her and somehow that led to me meeting her at her lawyers office. She is asking for nothing in the divorce as we split our assets already, so it was uneventful.

So the only parking spot available at lawyers office was right next to w. When we left, a conversation started. It was quite cordial. I eventually said I had to leave to get breakfast before work, she asked if she could join me. I said yes, we talked about no R stuff, just random odds and ends about current daily life.

It was nice.

So I had unfriended her new group of friends on FB and apparently they found out. I normally dont give any attention to FB but for some reason that action was on my spirit and so i took it. Today I get to work and w won't even look at me, which is unusual. Toward the end of the day she emails me and says the d papers are ready at the lawyers office. I replied simply I won't be going back there, she needs to have them served on me.

This angered her and when she asked why, I simply told her it was because it didn't feel right. She proceeded to give me one of my favorite snacks and then sent me a long raging text message. I replied to her text calmly and lovingly.

I'm just focused on being patient and kind, and my "spew jacket" has become much thicker.

I'm so thankful for this online group of people. My wife and I invited Christ into our marriage from the beginning but we both got selfish somewhere along the way.

Starsky and Jefe, if you see this I just want you to know both of your stories are inspirational. When your wife's came back saying that God was speaking to them loudly - seeing that alone helped me realize that He is very much aware of my situation as well. My bride and I both need your prayers. I'm older than her and really feel I just beat her down slowly with all of the "fixing" I tried to do and perfectionism i'd perfected. Wow if I had only known of all this information (db/Dr/this online community) the day we got married I could have seen how to really show her I love her. I wish I had been a far better husband. I need to become a better man even if she doesn't return.