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aNewGuy Offline OP
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Hello to everyone on this board and a big "Thank you" for all of the wonderful, inspirational and highly educational stories I have been reading here. I appreciate
you all before even writing my first post.

So I am in a pickle as follows:

My wife, 26 and I, 39 have no children at all and have been married five years. Hold the cradle robbing jokes, we have had a wonderful, loving marriage filled with laughter and just a whole bunch of all the good things I've always hoped I would find in my life. This changed in my eyes during the last year and a half, when we had much loss in our lives (miscarriage, death of an ex for each of us, and the death of a grandparent)

About seven months ago, she started spending time with some friends from back before we knew one another and I supported her in this because it seemed to be bringing her some much needed joy at that time in her life.

And then one night seemingly out of the blue she told me, in tears, that she needed to talk about "us" and announced she wanted to separate. I reacted angrily to this announcement, saying basically that "If things are going to keep being like they have been being, then yes a separation is fine!"

Fast forward a month, she now has her own place and I still live in the house I brought to the marriage. We work together, and she prefers to communicate via text. She has actually told me that she is moving on and I should too, and that she loves me very much but is not in love with me. And that she cares about me very deeply but because we are not in love she doesn't think it's fair for either of us to stay together. And that she misses my friendship and hopes we can be friends again in the future.

Being blindsided by all of this, I immediately looked to the internet for all manner of resources and everything I could read on this subject, for I am relationship dumb. All of my research led to this site, to buying and reading DB and DR, and having so far two phone counseling sessions which have really helped me get some much needed perspective.

I have been GALing by getting a part time second job, working on my house (reorganizing, etc) and by spending time with friends and family both in person and on the phone. I have been participating in some of my hobbies which have been neglected.

Also, I have been trying to "be dark" and so far my biggest 180 has been to increase my online presence and to force myself to not withdraw when faced with tough questions. I have been applying myself at work with much more gusto than before.

So this weekend on the advice from well meaning friends, I responded to her offer of friendship with my acknowledgement that I also miss our friendship and would like to be friends as well. She responded that this made her happy, but the next day I received another message asking me directly if I thought being friends was a means to get her back and I truthfully responded that I do want her back.

Which leads to the next thing. She then told me she has been waiting patiently to ask me about a divorce because she knows I have been hurting over all of this, and told me she wants a divorce with the added message "why would we stay married if we aren't going to be together, and why would we be together if we aren't in love?"
These messages are coming in while trying to sleep and then while at work, today.

So I am in big trouble here because I love this woman and am clearly far more committed to this marriage than she is. This separation was devastating for me, and I am not certain the same holds true for her. I can neither confirm nor deny the presence of another man but in any event I think she is clearly happier than she has been in at least the last year and a half.

In some ways I am too, we were really "in a bad way" for especially the last six months.

Here is my plea for help. She wants to meet up in person this weekend to discuss a divorce that I do not want. We have already split up our finances and I have been cooperative and respectful at each step along the way. She believes divorce is the solution when I believe there are many better ways we could solve this and remain together, remain friends, and experience the best of what a good marriage has to offer. Our marriage has had the blessing and support of both of our families and friends along the way, many of whom expressed extreme shock that this was all happening. One friend even started crying when she found out.

Obviously there is way more to this. This is my first posting on such a site and I am hopeful that someone can share some tidbit that will help me turn this ship around, or at least plug the most gaping holes, before we meet up to discuss this unwanted D this weekend. I love my wife very much - she loves me too -and no matter the final outcome of all of this I want to know that I have given my 100% everything to avoid the big lie that is divorce will solve any of these problems! We really had it made in the shade before all of this happened.


Thanks for reading and thanks for being here. I am sure that this story has more questions than answers at this point, I had been hoping to think this through more thoroughly before posting! I will wait patiently to see what details I can fill in for anyone who asks.


Me 39 waw(ww) 26
M 5 years
ILYBINILWY
No children, miscarriage 3/14
EA 11/2015, confirmed 4/2015, pa?
Separated 2/2015
She files D 4/15/15
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me
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Posts: 13,533
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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2380415&page=1

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
(http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2534754&page=1).

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2183063&fpart=1

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
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NewGuy,

I hate to tell you, but this has nearly ALL the earmarks of an affair, and there is really nothing you can do while she has given her heart (if not more) to another. I can certainly assure you that you can't "nice" her into not wanting to divorce you.

All you can do is let her go (notice I didn't say "give up"), and live your own life while protecting yourself financially and legally. If this is what she wants, tell her that she will have to initiate it, but that you won't fight her.

Be thankful you don't have any kids . . . it does make it easier.

Find a way to get back in touch with the "aNewGuy" that perhaps got lost along the way in the last five years. Who is he? What are his interests, his passions? What are his non-negotiable core boundaries of personal integrity? What are his dreams, his aspirations?

If you're like most of us were when we got bombed, your first inclination is to respond with something like "well my 'dream' is to get my wife back," but I'm afraid that's not what I'm talking about. We have live our own life, with our own interests and passions as our "cake." Our spouses are only supposed to be our "frosting," and if you've (like I did) puffed your wife up into more than that, then you need to do some reading on co-dependency and "enmeshment."

I think you should prepare your heart for the eventuality that something physical happened with her and an OM the night she came to you with her "we need to talk about us" talk. Would this be a deal-breaker for you? it doesn't have to be (my wife and I found our way back to each other, for example), but you need to do some soul-searching now about what you will and won't abide in a marital relationship.

As Cadet has said, your wife has given you a gift of TIME . . . use it wisely.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Hi, welcome to the site. In a way my situation and yours are similar. We had a very passionate marriage. Never argued- h was always affectionate and obsessed with me. After a month of him being a tad distant he drops the d bomb.
I since found out he is having an affair too.
I haven't much advise as I'm not a vet and relatively new myself. All I can say is try and take care of you in every way. Find someone you can talk to/ vent too. I'd say it gets easier but I'm not at that point yet.

Wishing you luck


Me 26 H 25
M 4
T 5
Baby born 4/14
BD: 1/15
EA: 2/15
PA: 4/15
reconciling: 4/15
ILYBINILWY- 11/15
ILY-1/16
ILYBNILWY 4/16
ILY 6/16
ILYBINILWY 6/16
Baby due 3/17
BD 8/16
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aNewGuy Offline OP
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Starsky309: Your reply I think hits the nail on the head in almost all aspects. You are confirming a lot of what I already very strongly suspect, that there is another man. I have a lot of forgiveness in my heart and won't say "never" to reconciliation even if things have crossed the physical boundary as well as the emotional one, even though I have been faithful myself I do consider it possible for her to come back and be forgiven if my conditions, still being formulated, are met.

Cherry: I'm working on taking care of me! Right now I'm focused on calming my nerves as the night the bomb was dropped the floodgates of stress hormones were opened and closing them back down is being quite a challenge.

Thanks for the welcome you guys!


Me 39 waw(ww) 26
M 5 years
ILYBINILWY
No children, miscarriage 3/14
EA 11/2015, confirmed 4/2015, pa?
Separated 2/2015
She files D 4/15/15
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
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Originally Posted By: aNewGuy
Starsky309: Your reply I think hits the nail on the head in almost all aspects. You are confirming a lot of what I already very strongly suspect, that there is another man. I have a lot of forgiveness in my heart and won't say "never" to reconciliation even if things have crossed the physical boundary as well as the emotional one, even though I have been faithful myself I do consider it possible for her to come back and be forgiven if my conditions, still being formulated, are met.


Then if that's the case, my advice to you would be to proceed as if she is, and plan and act accordingly. There's little harm in that, while there could be a TON of strategic and tactical mistakes (not to mention, your HEARTBREAK) if it's the other way around.

False positives are always easier to deal with than false negatives.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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aNewGuy Offline OP
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My burning question #1 tonight for the community here: How might I tell the difference between a wife who walks away because we were too enmeshed, too codependent, too involved to EACH have very much autonomy; and a wayward wife who walks away because of these things PLUS the fact she has another man in her life?

No person amongst our group of friends has come out and said that she is having an affair but my gut tells me she probably is - or was and stopped - but still wants D.

For my next question, I am following some wisdom from Sandi2's thread, "For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife" at http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554. An eye-popping huge bundle of wisdom that Sandi2 has compiled seemingly just for me! smile

So here is my burning question #2 for the community: Should I continue to remain friends with her on social media? I am not one who spends nearly as much time and effort there as she does. When I do go online, I am not sure I need to see constant reminders of her current well being plastered all over the place nor do I want her to feel she has access to really any area of my personal life while she is asking me for a divorce. It's hard enough that we share so many mutual friends in real life!

Again, social media is highly important to her but is only a small part of my normal day.

I feel as though "Unfriending" her there will be the kind of move that takes some courage on my part and will be a clear sign for her that I am not going to just be friends with her there or in real life while she breaks up our marriage. Like me saying "Since you asked me for a D, I am taking away your all-access pass". It seems both a healthy and risky move for me to make with the amount of importance she places on social media.


Also to Cherry and Starsky309: could you guys maybe post in here the link to where I can read your stories? I would like the opportunity to read and respond to your threads, and haven't been successful in finding them thus far.


Me 39 waw(ww) 26
M 5 years
ILYBINILWY
No children, miscarriage 3/14
EA 11/2015, confirmed 4/2015, pa?
Separated 2/2015
She files D 4/15/15
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 45
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aNewGuy Offline OP
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I also agree Starsky309- "False positives are always easier to deal with than false negatives."

Maybe, possibly she is simply asking for this divorce to see if I support her in it, be passive in it, or be outright defensive of our marriage in it?

Might be a few days before I post, I feel I need to sit back and read some more and keep moving forward and let some more of this all soak in before I write too much more. We are to meet up Saturday )my decision) to discuss the divorce (her decision), and I have an appointment with my DB coach on Friday.


Me 39 waw(ww) 26
M 5 years
ILYBINILWY
No children, miscarriage 3/14
EA 11/2015, confirmed 4/2015, pa?
Separated 2/2015
She files D 4/15/15
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
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Originally Posted By: aNewGuy
Also to Cherry and Starsky309: could you guys maybe post in here the link to where I can read your stories? I would like the opportunity to read and respond to your threads, and haven't been successful in finding them thus far.

How to find a thread

Try clicking on their NAME
SHOW POSTS
Then at the top right it says TOPICS CREATED - click there

or to find your own thread

My Stuff
Posts
Then at the top right it says TOPICS CREATED - click there


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aNewGuy Offline OP
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AWESOME, Cadet, thank you!


Me 39 waw(ww) 26
M 5 years
ILYBINILWY
No children, miscarriage 3/14
EA 11/2015, confirmed 4/2015, pa?
Separated 2/2015
She files D 4/15/15
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me
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