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Hah! I just cross posted with you in the 5k training thread.

I am most worried about enforcing the boundary. I skimmed the cheat sheets (there are 2), but I still feel like I am lacking.

HELP! I need some sort of way to enforce the boundary.

RAI


Me 48 XW 45
lots o' kids
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Good advice by raliced.

When my H came home I thought I set a boundary, "no communication with OP while me or the girls are home" but I have no way to enforce that. So while I made it clear that I did not want that to happen as it was disrespectful, I did not give a consequence...grr.

Hopefully, a vet will give you some help here but if you are not longer willing to share a bedroom with her you may need to move to the extra bedroom. Just my thought, maybe somebody else has a better suggestion.


Me-44 (45)
H- 50 (51)
M-'96

S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)

BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas)
home Oct(sep rooms)
(EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed)
insists wants D through July 2015
no more talk of D since
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I would really like to avoid moving out of the BR. I did nothing to deserve leaving my BR.

RAI


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Then don't move out of the bedroom. Look - you're in a pinch because you're already going through mediation and dissolution. You can and should say you won't live in an open marriage - but I'm guessing your wife already considers herself to not be married any longer.

So, tell me, what do you think would be the worst thing that would happen if you firmly said, that as long as you are legally married, you find her open affair disrespectful to you and your family together,and that you expect her to remove herself from the marital bedroom?

Last edited by raliced; 03/25/15 03:18 AM.

2 Ds: 7 and 4
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Quote:
, tell me, what do you think would be the worst thing that would happen if you firmly said, that as long as you are legally married, you find her open affair disrespectful to you and your family together,and that you expect her to remove herself from the marital bedroom?

Thanks Raliced for telling it to me straight. I suppose the worst thing that could happen is that she refuses to remove herself from the marital bedroom, and she continues to eat cake while I feel even more powerless and disrespected.
If she already considers herself not married to me, Then what claim do I have against her altogether?
I'm really beginning to have second thoughts about confronting her. Perhaps you're right raliced, at this stage in the game what is the point? I just feel like I have made so many mistakes along the way. I suppose there's no way to correct any of them.
Am I looking at this all wrong? I'm just so tired of not knowing what the right thing to do is. I'm growing weary.
Thanks everyone for all the last minute input.
RAI


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Originally Posted By: RAI

If she already considers herself not married to me, Then what claim do I have against her altogether?
I'm really beginning to have second thoughts about confronting her. Perhaps you're right raliced, at this stage in the game what is the point? I just feel like I have made so many mistakes along the way. I suppose there's no way to correct any of them.

RAI


RAI- I've got to get my girls off to bed and I bet there will be some vets around in the morning - but I was encouraging you to stand up for yourself and I'm not sure you took it that way.

You ask what is the point at this stage of the game? I would say the point is standing up for what is right and taking back some of your power. These are not small things.

I think you need to practice talking yourself up, instead of down. smile Sleep on it and bump your thread in the morning.


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You need to stand up to your W or she will continue to walk all over you

Give her an inch and she'll take a mile


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Hey RAI - Thanks for stopping by my thread. Hopefully, Wonka will see it and come by. By the way, there's no other way to address a specific poster. You could always click on their name and see their latest post to go write under it.

I'll give you my newcomer's opinion while I'm here. Know that I can sometimes be blunt, even when I don't mean to, and I have the zeal of the convert on certain topics but I really only mean to help you reach your goals and I'm on your side.

Brace yourself if you're asking for veteran's advice on your MBR situation. They don't mince words and they have no sympathy for WAW who make a joke of their LBS like your W is doing to you by conducting an affair while remaining with you (and making you wash her kinky underwear - I mean, read that again; it should be in a telenovella). I've not read your entire sitch, but you seem like a classic wet noodle. I'm also one inside but thanks to these forums, I've learnt to bury it and appear strong and decisive with my WW. I do it because I believe in the process. Have a look at the success stories at the top of my threads to understand how this thing works. You're not doing it right now.

Originally Posted By: RAI
I am trying to minimize awkwardness in the house and to move all her stuff will definitely make the act more defiant and more noticeable than it needs to be. I don't have a problem with her using her closet; just sleeping in the marital BR. I also don't want to do anything in a controlling fashion and this seems controlling.

If you're trying to minimize awkwardness, then that's what you'll get. If you're trying to save your M, then forget about these secondary goals. A general going into a war wants to win it first and minimize casualties second. Making the act noticeable is actually what you want. You want her to look at you and think: "Wow, I can't do what I want to this man." She'll be upset at first, they all are, but over time, you'll regain her respect and that's the foundation of love.

I doubt that you've read No More Mr Nice Guy, but I believe that it is the reading that would open your eyes most at this point. I suspect that your W is leaving you because you are trying to minimize awkwardness and such things. She has lost respect in you. I bet it's difficult to fathom and you probably think that there's nothing wrong with being nice. You should have a look at Barry's thread: he was the same, he read the book, understood a few important things about himself and took control of his life and sitch. You're long overdue for such a turnaround.

You probably need a major attitude change in your sitch and, perhaps, in your life. You need to become a man that we respect, not one that we appreciate and take advantage of. It's a bold statement from knowing you so little, so I let you be the judge of this, but read NMMNG before you discard this idea. My, your phone call with her on March 20th was... pathetic. Sorry, I can't find another word. I should spare your feelings, but something tells me that you'll gain more in the long run from being told straight what it looks like from the outside.

Have you thought of why your W would ever come back to you? Is it out of guilt for the kids or for who's spending the holidays where? No, it's because she will love you and be attracted again. A crier who's a ball of hurt is not attractive. You are hurting your sitch every time you present her that face. Is it hard not to? Tremendously. Is it worth it? Only you know. But if you think so, get with the program.

While I'm at it, I've some more bad news: your sitch is going to last a long time, probably one or two years, if the experience of others is any guide. There is no precedent on these boards of people being super-nice to their W and not rocking the boat where said W realized what a good and attractive man they have at their feet so they should just cancel the whole thing and snuggle in front of House of Cards with him before a session of steamy sex. This should give you some perspective on your actions in the present. You will not save your M in the coming days and weeks, barely in the coming months. She has embarked the both of you on a journey that will take you through hell and for a long time. Step back a little and look at the bigger picture.

Look, everyone is giving you the same advice to stand up for yourself. I know it goes against deeply held beliefs, fears, and shame. I get it. But with the help of my IC and a few books, I've started to see myself better and realize that it's by being like this that I got here. You won't get a different result by doing the same thing again.

Go RAI!


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
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RAI

I'm going to jump on this bandwagon but only because I went through a 4.5 month in house separation and am classic nice guy AND came across wife's new lingerie, so I can make a pretty good guess how you feel. (She still denies OM is an affair by the way)

At this point whatever you do is going to be seen as negative by your W - however its meant, whatever you do. Thats just how she sees you and it helps her justify her position.

Minimising awkwardness - where will that get you? How much minimising of awkwardness is actually more of the same conflict avoidance that I suspect (sorry not fully up to speed on your thread) got you here.

You need to act like the man you want to be, the kind of man you would want your sons to be.

If your boundary is that you won't live in an open marriage then you need to not live in an open marriage and that means she has to leave the marital bedroom. Dont make a big scene just tell her that its not what she sleeps as long as she is not committed to the marriage.

Last edited by jim0987; 03/25/15 07:49 AM.

Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
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Bumping for RAI - who is looking for Vet assistance on asking wife to leave marital bedroom.


2 Ds: 7 and 4
BD and Sep: 7/14
Divorce Final 2/16
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