Card29 and lost18, I have not had a chance to listen to your suggested tunes, but I will soon. Thanks for contributing.
Card29, I believe you when you say I will come out of it better and stronger. Definitely stronger. Met with my trainer again today. I'm going to feel today's workout for the next 3 days! But seriously, your words are truly comforting. Just to be reminded that there is a light at the end of the tunnel helps immensely. I really can't see that light right now. At all.
Passover is in about 3 weeks. We always go to my sister's house and the kids look forward to it all year. This year my W does not want to go for obvious reasons (my sister and mother know about the A and are very hurt). My sister still wants us to come - she is even willing to accommodate my W - she loves me and my children more than she hates my W - but my W wants to stay home this year - celebrate without any extended family. My kids are going to ask why we are not going to see their auntie this year and I don't know what to tell them. I am letting my W decide because I don't want her to accuse me of being controlling. If we go without her, she could also blame me for keeping the kids away from their mother on the holiday. Lastly as much as I hate (sorry, but I do - that is not forbidden, is it?) my W right now, the kids should probably be with both parents one last time. So I am putting the decision squarely in her hands. If we don't go, I don't have a good explanation to tell my kids when they ask. I will have to abide by her decision and not blame her so as not to alienate her.
How blind is my W that she cannot see how she has complicated our lives? I hope she loves OM a lot because she has really sacrificed a lot for him *sarcasm intended*.
Here is a quote from a post I made in koalada's thread that (more) succinctly explains my sitch with the upcoming holidays:
Originally Posted By: RAI
vis a vis a family get-together for Passover: Either we go to my sisters without W and my kids are deprived of their mother, or we stay home as a family, and my kids are deprived of their aunt and cousins. My W is so torn and cannot decide what to do. It is sickening that she brought this upon her family and now is agonizing how to make things good for the children - without even thinking about changing herself or ending the A.
We have gone to my sister's for years. They are our closest family - both geographically and emotionally. My kids are begging us to go to my sister's house for the holiday. My W can't accept the fact that no matter what option we choose, someone will miss out. What my W does not get (or denies) is that this is going to be the future for our children. She is depriving them of so much and I can't do much about it. CARD29, where is the light at the end of the tunnel? We are still M and in the same home and I am already struggling with this new reality. Every holiday, occasion, and celebration will have attached to it some sort of negotiation, accompanied by a parting. How very painful. Any advice for holiday times?
I just got off of phone with W. She has decided that we should not, after all these years, be with my sister for Passover. I lost my composure for the first time in a while and told her that I know what she is doing. I told her that one day, when she is older and wiser, she will see clearly what she did to her family. I told her that thanks to her behavior, there will be separations before every holiday. I told her that her selfish actions are depriving the children of their family already. I asked her what she is going to tell the kids and she came up with one of her great lies: that it is too difficult to travel this year with the upcoming bar-mitzvah - it is a tiny 3hr drive that I can do with my eyes closed and the kids can almost pack themselves. I want to throw her under the bus and tell the kids that it would not be too difficult, and I am happy to do it, and auntie wants so badly for us to come, but Mommy said "no". When does she get to be accountable for her actions? Why all this sneaking around to protect her? When does she get to feel the loss?
On top of this, I just noticed that I am on service again in April - for the non-physicians out there: stressful, physically and emotionally draining even when life is swell, much worse when your home life is disintegrating and you are lacking adequate emotional support because your spouse went insane. I feel so alone right now and I really could use a steady stream of hugs from others who understand.
RAI- The holidays stink. There's no real way around it.
I know it's hard to keep your cool in these situations, but you can tell her that what she is doing is destructive all you want, but she will have to realize that on her own. In fact, I suspect that hearing it from us just makes them dig in their heels sometimes and determine to prove us wrong.
I would suggest that the next time a holiday comes up - that it not be all her decision (although you may have a mediation plan in place before that).
Hang in there - sorry about your work schedule. While not a physician, I am a healthcare analyst - and there are several CMS programs that have a deadline today, so the entire month has been crazy- I can somewhat relate - although obviously, I do not have lives in my hands. Take care of yourself.
Thanks raliced. Coincidentally, I just cross-posted on your thread.
The reason I made it her decision is because:
1) If I decided to go to my sister's without her, she could build the narrative that I am the villain who excluded her, or that my sister is the villain who excluded her. Both narratives could potentially damage my children's relationship with me or my sister.
2) If I decided to stay home for the holiday, she could shift the blame to me and cast me as the villain who is depriving the children of their family holiday/vacation.
So either way I would look like the villain. I did not think that was fair. So I put the decision in her hands. I honestly don't know what the right thing to do was/is. Bottom line: whatever choice she made would suck because it is a sucky sitch.
Alright fellow DBers. I know this is last minute, but I need some collective wisdom and fast. Yesterday, I had a brief exchange with Sandi regarding the total lack of boundaries currently in my household. My WW is still carrying on with OM and has experienced zero consequences of her actions. She is still having all needs met by me and OM. Yesterday, I asked Sandi whether it is too late to tell her to leave the marital BR. my original post is here as well as her reply. Here are some salient bits which rocked me to my core (my bolding):
Quote:
RAI, It sounds as if you need to find confidence in yourself and in the purposes of the action taken. If she has absolutely no boundaries to honor, no consequences due to her behavior........and you fear taking any action will cause you to look bad, then I would guess you have demoted yourself and have accepted a passive, powerless position in your M and in your family. I understand you don't want the children to see you as some villain. Right now, they are watching......and learning......and will use what they learn to apply in their own M some day. Isn't it more important to be the parent-teacher that demonstrates how a man carries himself during a like situation?... What is your role? Are you the leader, or a passive buddy who doesn't want to rock the boat?
So today, I stumbled upon my WWs kinky underwear honestly for a change: I was doing some laundry - not rifling through her drawers. Now I think the time is right to politely tell my W that I don't need to accept this behavior. I will give her back her panties, no questions asked, but I would like to tell her to move out of the BR. My questions to all is:
1) How should I say it? How do I phrase this boundary? What should I say? 2) What if she refuses? i.e. how do I enforce the boundary?
I really need help to take these first steps. Any comments or input are appreciated.
I agree with Sandi's post - wow - reminded me a lot of my situation too.
My suggestions for the underwear are:
1. Pack up her belonging including the underwear and place them in another bedroom or bedroom. When she asks why is her stuff moved out to the couch (or another bedroom), explain.
2. I would state "I will not live in an open marriage".
Wow HeavyD, that was quick and is much appreciated.
Did you do this with your W?
I am trying to minimize awkwardness in the house and to move all her stuff will definitely make the act more defiant and more noticeable than it needs to be. I don't have a problem with her using her closet; just sleeping in the marital BR. I also don't want to do anything in a controlling fashion and this seems controlling.
Ok, no expert but have recently come across some information about boundaries. Let's see if I can remember it or at least the important stuff.
I think one of the important things is to remember that a boundary is not telling them they can or can not do something but stating what you won't allow to be "done to you" or how somebody else can treat you. Be firm and make sure you have a consequence that you can follow thru with.
Also, there is a thread that is a cheat sheet for boundaries, check that out.
Good luck.
Me-44 (45) H- 50 (51) M-'96
S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)
BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas) home Oct(sep rooms) (EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed) insists wants D through July 2015 no more talk of D since
RAI- There are quite a few veteran posters around here who give great advice about what to do with a wayward wife who is still in the marital home. Hopefully one of them will drop by your thread shortly.
I will just make one comment - it seems like you are basing a lot of these decisions on fear - you might not kick her out of the bedroom because you want to minimize awkwardness, you let her make the Passover decision out of fear of how she would present the decision, etc.
I'm just going to say that no matter how hard you try, some of this is going to be messy and you are going to break some eggs while trying to work on your marital omelet. I haven't dealt with your specific situation at all - but I think you probably want to start taking action and making decisions based on what you know to be right - not what you fear her reaction wil be.
