Maybe that is why I am so angry - it's at myself for letting this situation get so messed up and it's my fault (at least half).
I agree completely that the anger is partly towards her for not telling me what was on her mind and telling me that I was supposed to "know" what she was thinking. I can't tell you how many times that happened "You should know". Well I didn't know. I am sorry but I am not a mind reader.
But yes, the anger is probably aimed mostly towards me. The pain I must have caused for her to walk away. That is just so painful, and you are right, it's anger at my own foolishness.
Your post was a light bulb moment. Thank you for giving me that perspective. I needed to hear it.
First of all, I'd want for W to take on some of that responsibility and have her call the accountant to find what she needs to do.
Suggested response:
I think it would be helpful for you to call the accountant and sort out the payment part. Let me know what you learn from the accountant and we'll go from there. I will print out the tax return for our signatures. Please let me know when would be a good time for us to meet briefly so you can sign the return. Thanks, Jan.
OK - she met me at the agreed upon time. When I showed her where to sign, she took to studying them very closely. I had sent them to her earlier in the day for her review. As she kept looking at them, I said I will be in my office when you finish.
She took the papers and left and now I dont know what to think. I swear, every interaction with her feels negative and like I have done something wrong. I treated the whole interaction cooly and in a businesslike manner.
Could this be one of those "natural occurances" of what is happeneing based on her affair? The natural occurance being that she has to do the tax work and saving money etc... I know I am feeling the pressue (money, bills, taxes). I feel a lot of pressure based on this situation.
I feel the need so strongly to reach out and "fix" this paperwork situation. That's what I have always done previously and kept financial issues and the house running smoothly. Now that nothing is running smoothly, I have such a strong urge to jump in and fix it.
I am pretty sure that the DB board would not recommend this and let the paperwork situation just play out.
This has been bugging me all afternoon. I hate to feel like the "bad guy" and that is how this situation feels to me. I am the bad guy for not jumping in and fixing it.
I want to say to her so badly - this is all your fault! Look at what your foolishness has caused! Of course I have learned to STFU.
HeavyD I so know where you are. I too struggle with anger and faulting myself. While I am to blame for parts of my marriage problems, I am not at fault for how my H is handling it. He could choose to work with me to solve issues, but is too screwed up to do that. That's his choice. I like your "set it free" saying. One that I use which might be helpful with the paperwork is " I am uncomfortable but will survive. I have been uncomfortable before and survived" It helps me deal with feeling like I need to step in to help my H.
M 46 / H 43 T 24/M 18 S 4 11/6/2014 ILYBNILWY 1/16/2015 Living in separate bedroom 1/8/2016 H moved out
Has your anger lessened? How do you work those emotions out?
Hm. At first, I wasn't angry at all, just sad, and it puzzled even my IC. Then anger finally came and I felt better. Now I'm angry, but not as strongly as you seem to be. I feel too much responsibility in the sitch to be that angry at her, even though I think the S was unnecessary and destructive. When the anger turns to me, my reflex is to fix what's wrong with me rather than staying angry. Also, I'm in a place right now where I feel more at peace with the situation. As I wrote on my thread, it has a lot to do with the no-contact approach.
Originally Posted By: HeavyD
I wanted to thank you Mozza also for being so positive. I really like your success stories that you thoughtfully compile and share with the readers. I know it must take a lot of time and energy to do this. It's a nice way to give back and I admire you for it.
Thanks. I'm not so much positive as I'm realistic. I'm no vet, but I've studied how the success stories work. What we're going through is normal and is not indicative of a desperate sitch. I'm optimistic for the fate of anyone who takes the time to come here and post regularly to work through the issues. These are people with grit and self-awareness.
Regarding the maintenance of the success stories, thank you. I've replied to you on my thread. Go have a look at the PSA I put there. I was thinking of you, among others.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Questions to ponder and it seems so silly but I really do question my responses or lack of responses to my situation.
1). I am in the midst of a D, my house is in shambles, my kids are upset, and I am trying very hard to "work the plan" and to stay focused and not give in to pity parties that I am prone to do.
I have refocused efforts on "must do" and "would like to do". "Must do's" are caring for my kids, caring for me, trying to focus on work, keeping the clothes and dishes washed, gas in the car and groceries in the house and dodging stress. "Would like to do's" include walking the dog (sorry), volunteering more at school, talking more to friends, going to restaurants, having more sleep overs for kids, working in the yard, working on the house and GALing more.
I am pretty much in hunker down and survive mode. I hope and pray this situation calms down but I am doing my best to keep up my PMA although I struggle.
My specific question is about NC. I get weird non essential emails that are meant to be "helpful" but do I respond or does NC means NC (except of course when about kids).
For example: email last night about D6's Girl Scout vest
If you want you can send D6's vest and patches, I'll get them sewn on. It's the least I can do since you help with the Troop.
While the outward appearance is meant to be seen as helpful and almost friendly, I hesitate to respond because I am in NC as she is in an active affair, has moved from our house and we are in D process.
My gut tells me NC means nothing, nada and not respond. However, my heart tells me that I should not overlook any opportunities to converse in a friendly manner. My hearts tells me that the more I go N/C the more "justified" she becomes that I really am a cold and negative person. Perhaps that is a gaslighting technique that WAW's use to control the LBS?
2). This situation was caused not by the A but because of my lack of emotional connection with her and/or kids. She insists it has nothing to do with AP, yet all this started when AP showed up on the scene. Do I treat this as B/S and part of the "script"?
As usual, doubting myself, trying to work the plan.
My specific question is about NC. I get weird non essential emails that are meant to be "helpful" but do I respond or does NC means NC (except of course when about kids).
For example: email last night about D6's Girl Scout vest
If you want you can send D6's vest and patches, I'll get them sewn on. It's the least I can do since you help with the Troop.
While the outward appearance is meant to be seen as helpful and almost friendly, I hesitate to respond because I am in NC as she is in an active affair, has moved from our house and we are in D process.
My gut tells me NC means nothing, nada and not respond. However, my heart tells me that I should not overlook any opportunities to converse in a friendly manner. My hearts tells me that the more I go N/C the more "justified" she becomes that I really am a cold and negative person. Perhaps that is a gaslighting technique that WAW's use to control the LBS?
You know, a lot of us in NC situations, wail that we don't really have a chance to show our WASs our awesome GAL, PMA and 180s. You've got that here. I think the general rule with NC, is the exception is stuff that has to do with the kids. Can you sew? If you can, do it yourself , and respond to her email with a friendly upbeat tone, take a polite pass, and offer some validation about her willingness to be helpful. If you can't sew, I would say "yes, thank you". Stop worrying that she will see this and every other interaction as the giant white surrender flag that you are a-ok with everything.
Originally Posted By: HeavyD
2). This situation was caused not by the A but because of my lack of emotional connection with her and/or kids. She insists it has nothing to do with AP, yet all this started when AP showed up on the scene. Do I treat this as B/S and part of the "script"?
As usual, doubting myself, trying to work the plan.
It is frequently stated here that an affair is a symptom. I'm a bit of a contrarian on that one. Yes, I doubt that people in healthy, happy marriages have affairs very often (although I bet it happens). But once the affair starts, it effectively blocks any chance to work on the marriage. So, if an affair is a symptom, it is like the rash you get from the chicken pox - not the disease itself - but the part that you really notice, that makes you miserable, keeps you home from work and leaves scars.
Yes yes- I do tend to ovethink things and will overthink myself into a box. This hasn't always been the case with me. But as you and other members of the "club' know how paralyzing and awful this experience can be.
My last question/comment is:
I do not want to appear in any way shape or form to be a stalker or "insert appropriate negative word" because I won't give up on my marriage. I feel like I am playing rope a dope, not making concessions, and generally being uncooperative with giving the WAW what she has repeatedtly asked for in writing, asked for in her words and asked for by her actions, a DIVORCE. I know I am early in my situation and I am respecting the process and continue to learn more about it and myself. I realize that almost everyone on this board faces the same situations and they aren't considered looney but dedicated to saving thei marriages.
To answer my own question, I believe that the marriage is over when I decide it to be over, when I have reached whatever threshold I can bear. That threshold has yet to be determined.
Does this sound like I am a looney or just someone who wants to make their marriage work? When is it considered crossing the line into looney teritory? I never want to be that person (obviously).
Well, we are all a little looney but yes it does seem you want to make your marriage work. First things first...you need to work on you!!!
Something that has taken me my entire life to figure out is that it is ME that is responsible for making me happy. For my entire life, i supposed that it was my wife's job to make me happy and mine to please her. Guess what that was a road to nowhere. Everytime i saw her displeasure, i pinned it on me. Everytime i felt like i was dissatisfied with something, i blamed her. I am pretty sure her position would be pretty close. Working on us is so big, because it allows ourselves to be happy NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS in our marriages. I worry every day about what is going to happen with my wife....all the sleepless nights of wanting things to be better. That is on me. i have no control over what she is doing and what she is thinking (i wished i had a way to finally read her mind, but i don't). i cannot tell you how many times i've though i wished i could have made her happier all these years. I now know that is on her. Eventually she will need to get help with that with me or without, but that is not up to me now is it.
but yes it does seem you want to make your marriage work. First things first...you need to work on you!!!