Enjoying the ride

[Zues126]

Today was a telling day that will shape the road for our divorce.

I can't even give the cliff notes on what happened, so I'll just talk about the outcome. Every decision I've made from DB has been made with an effort to be reasonable beyond reproach. I was a rug at first, and little by little have enforced my boundaries and made necessary decisions that considered my welfare as well as hers. But every step has been careful plotted, reviewed with my DB coach, IC, and L, and has been designed to be filled with goodwill and character.

It is clear to me based on what has happened that no matter how I live, she will make me the "abusive and unreasonable" ex, with her the victim. And it is clear that no matter how detached and removed I am, any communication I have with her will be a chance for her to spew, manipulate, twist words, or further her agenda. Finally, though, today I caught on to something she had been doing that was dishonest and deceptive in an attempt to essentially steal money from me.

At this point I have a zero trust situation with her. I understood she was badmouthing me, sleeping with OM, drinking heavily, etc. I understood we weren't talking, and haven't since November, but were only exchanging the occasional text about children and logistics.

Today, however, it went from dim to dark to black. I can no longer have any communication with her. From now forward we can only work through our lawyers. We will document everything and avoid eye contact when we trade off kids. This isn't vindictive. I am protecting myself. The same way I wouldn't want to be alone with her right now or I'd be worried about being accused of raping her and being put in jail.

I see my IC tomorrow and will talk to my DB coach. I will explain what has happened and make sure my team of experts supports my decision or whether they have other feedback. But I know my councilors and I know what happened, and I don't think they'll disagree.

I fully expect STBX to text/email me something like "what, you're not responding? I guess we just go through our lawyers then. I wanted to avoid court battles but if this is the way you want it..." and she'll make it MY DECISION to have it this way. Right. Just like it was MY DECISION to file for divorce a few weeks ago. It was...after I was left no alternative.

Bottom line, I accept the fact that I may be her enemy. She is not mine...I do not hate her. I don't pity her. I wish her well. But I may be hers. I simply want to protect myself. But it is sad that this is the way it will be.

I tell myself it can't get worse forever. Who knows. Maybe she decides to find other ways to try to hurt me or provoke me to take defensive measures so she can twist it into what a terrible guy I am. I don't know what she's capable of at this point. I won't speculate and I won't borrow trouble. I will always know I did my best day by day to live the way I could.

And I DO feel compassion for the pain she is suffering. I wish her the best. I have regret for my shortcomings in the M. And I will try to no longer be shocked by anything, because now I know how it is. It's just disappointing this is how it has to be.

[Maybell]

I'm so sorry this is the path you're having to walk. I hope you find wonderful bright spots soon.

[Zues126]

Thanks Maybell. All better today!

Two things.

First- yesterday was a blessing. I feel like that was the final push it took before I could let go. I realize how gone my STBX is. It's a true soap opera of victimhood where I am the bad guy.

I don't want to star in a soap opera. Not hers. And not mine where I complain about her, get angry at her...I don't want to play in a soap opera in which I'm a victim or a chump.

I just want to live my life. I'm free to do so and that's what I'm doing. For the first time I feel like my M is something in the distant past and no longer part of my reality. I'm excited to get on with my life. Yesterday helped me get there.

Oh, and my IC said this is absolutely standard. That everyone talks about amicable divorces but they almost all end up this way. If someone was having a hard enough time to end the M, dealing with the strain of D just magnifies the issues.

Second- Maybell- thanks for following my thread. I reread my original posts from BD and you have always been supportive and wise. I saw a post of yours from like 7 months ago and it just made me happy to realize we go way back. Same to you RPPFL!

[SunnyB]

Zues, you are one of the posters I always look for and try to keep up with. I think you and Maybell and I have come a long way together! I sometimes wonder how I would have dealt with my sich without these boards. It would be so much harder without all of you.

Sorry your W has cast you as the bad guy. But don't take her too seriously, it's a coping mechanism. She doesn't have great people to set her straight.

[Maybell]

Agreed with it all! Thanks for your message on my thread, Zues. The Alaskan cruise ship captain made me laugh.

Talking to my friend today, she asked if I intended to sign up for online dating. I said no, that everything else in my life has fallen into place the way I need it to when I just step out in faith. And I need to feel sufficient unto myself, not out there looking for someone to make me whole. I'm blessed with great friends and support, lots of wisdom, and the things I need seem to show up at just the moment when I need them. So I think the right person will come to me when the time is right.

I like that there is a group of us on here that seems to see and bring out the best i one another. Thanks for being part of my tribe.

[Zues126]

It is so permanent.

It's not like some type of pain that you suffer for a while that goes away. There's no regaining the loss.

I'm with my children tonight. We're having such a good time. There's just a gaping hole in our family. I wish their mom was here, we were in love together, and we could share and celebrate this. I would love to make her dinner, give her a back rub, watch a tv show after the kids were in bed, trade stories about the day. Joke about how the kids got so excited about the games we played. Knowing that will never happen is heartbreaking, again and again.

It's been over 9 months since BD. I still have work to do on myself and am working with my DB coach and IC. I'm far from perfect. I just wish it wasn't this way.

[Zues126]

And then as I tuck the kids in I realize that I did 3, 4, 5 different things that my STBX would've been angry about. The loving evenings I was talking about were mostly imaginary. She carried oceans of resentment towards me, and I walled myself off to protect myself from the pain, which in turn hurt her and created more resentment. Those family nights are make believe, if we had been strong enough to overcome our failings.

I thought we'd find a way through those barriers because the love in the center was powerful and special. But this isn't a fairy tale. Instead we'll both just remember how it didn't ever work.

Divorce stinks. I honestly would've rather died lonely in that M and at least knew I died trying to figure it out.

[SunnyB]

I'm with my children tonight. We're having such a good time. There's just a gaping hole in our family. I wish their mom was here, we were in love together, and we could share and celebrate this. I would love to make her dinner, give her a back rub, watch a tv show after the kids were in bed, trade stories about the day. Joke about how the kids got so excited about the games we played. way

The loving evenings I was talking about were mostly imaginary. .

Zues, I used to go down that road a lot. Pining for what I never had. I do it a lot less now. But I understand where you are coming from.

[Sotto]

Hi Zeus, sorry you're having a low time. It gets to us all now and then. But you know - I read lots of your posts and think you are doing so well! Generally you sound very strong and self-aware.

I see your name and think 'I'll read that - he normally has something interesting to say...'

I read some posts from earlier in your sitch and hardly recognised you at all! You have come such a long way my friend...and your life is going to get better and better I'm sure.

(((Zeus)))

[Maybell]

Zues, you posted this on the LBH thread:

The sad part and why this touched a nerve with me is that everyone is willing to make those vows, and there isn't a good way to tell who means them and who doesn't. It's unfair to those that mean them. It's like becoming friends with someone and saying "I promise I won't ever physically harm you if I'm angry" and them agreeing. But then they get angry and punch you in the face, and when you say "we agreed not to do that" they say "well, I didn't know I'd get THIS angry, if I'm this angry then I can hit you".

I will do my best to thoroughly scrub any future partner I have to try to differentiate those that TRULY mean their vows vs. those that believe in fair weather marriages. No guarantees in my life but at least I understand that not everyone means these words equally so will have these conversations with them and look at the way they talk about past relationships to see if they mean it. That is why I'm so inspired by these forums, it's nice to see women exist that feel this way.

And I wanted to comment on it -- but thought it would take the conversation off topic.

The first, I just wanted to observe that your topic is almost EXACTLY what my STBX said to me Mother's Day 2014 - and he seemed to take some glee in being so f-ing hurtful. Like I had let something loose in him. He's not like that since. (This is just saying it out loud, because it hurt me very deeply then; I'm putting it to bed today).

The second is -- I fell in love with my STBX pretty quickly. Stayed in love with him because it was my goal and desire to have a great, long marriage. It required a LOT of work at times but I made sure I was always working in that direction.

But... I fell in love quick and I committed quick. I made some assumptions about us both wanting the same things that turned out not to be accurate. So if I ever do find a new partner, the commitment will happen LONG before the marriage. The wedding will just be a rubber stamp on a life that is already being lived. For a long time. A long time of sustained, visible experience of someone who prioritizes me because I'm that important to him.

I'm going to be coming with a lot of baggage to anyone brave enough to draw close to me. I think it will be fairly easy to separate the wheat from the chaff. Chaff need not apply. I'm not going to be watching past behavior. I'm going to watch very closely how they are with me. How included am I in his life? How interested is he in mine? Are we making plans together? Are we making short term plans that are fun and that reveal more of us to one another? Is he willing to learn to love what I love, and share what he loves with me? That's what I'll be watching for.

I hope this makes sense...