Newbie needs advice and encouragement

[Starsky309]

Right now, "hate and spew" is going to be what you get from her regardless, Kramer. So you may as well protect yourself financially -- especially your long-term financial FUTURE.

In every situation, and every interaction with her, strive to DO THE RIGHT THING. Rather than worrying "How will she react? Will she be angry? How will her reaction make ME feel?"

Do the thing that God Himself would have you do, if He were standing right in front of you.


Starsky

[Kramer]

Starsky, I really appreciate your blunt words and common sense advice. I truly do. However, you say do the right thing. Do what God would do. Let me ask you if God would get a lawyer and take her to court for money. Would God cancel our family insurance policy and make her get her own? Would God change the locks on the house?

I have done all of these as a result of her filing for divorce. Not to be vindictive, but because I must protect myself and don't want to be taken advantage of.

[Starsky309]

Yes, I do believe that God allows us the right of self-defense. (Even the Pope recently, who is basically pacifist, talked about the legitimate cause of doing what was necessary to wipe out ISIS).

God reads our hearts. If what we do legally, we do to protect ourselves because we have been attacked, and we do it to protect our families' financial and emotional security, then . . . yes, I think God would tell me that's "the right thing to do."

To pick a specific item for example, I think it's reasonable to inform a wayward spouse that you are going to be removing them from your insurance policy, but giving them, say, 90 days in which to get their own (longer time frame because this is a pretty major item). A cellphone that's being used to conduct their affair?? . . . not so much -- maybe 24 hours' notice.

I could look up the biblical justification for all of the above (one that comes immediately to mind is "There is wisdom in many counselors," Proverbs 24:6), but I do think it's pretty mainstream Christian thought.


Starsky

[Kramer]

Update:

Just a quick update regarding my life moving forward. I went to San Francisco on Sunday and had a great time. I came back to one of the upstairs bathroom toilets overflowing. I asked my niece what happened, and she said it had been running for a few hours after it got clogged. She had thought she turned off the water valve, but it was not completely shut off. As you might imagine, there was quite a mess upstairs. The real problem, however, is downstairs. There is extensive water damage to 3 different rooms, floors, ceilings, and walls. Initial estimate is $25,000.

I bring this up to make a point as to how I have changed as a person. 6 months ago, I would have went ballistic and been mad at everybody. Yelling, screaming, and berating. In this instance, I calmy told her that she should have called me and checked to make sure the water was all the way off. This was an accident, and as bad as it is, that's what insurance is for.

Of course, there is nobody to see my response, but that's kind of the point. I have changed and softened as a person, and not just to show somebody how much I have changed.

And for what it's worth, my STBXW knows nothing about it.

[Kramer]

I am hoping that I can get some feedback regarding what to do next in my situation:

Quick recap:
Sep-Dec 2014: friction, strife, and arguing in M.
New Years Eve: I discover PA since September.
1/9/15: she files divorce and I leave house.
3/18/15: I finally get served D papers. She gets own place and is still seeing OM.

I have been backing off on all non essential communication for the last month. She accuses me of being distant and hateful, even though I have never badmouthed her , yelled at her, or been overtly mean. I am distant and matter of fact in my communication with her.
She has absolutely no interest in reconciliation and is moving full force ahead with divorce. She expects me to take on all the debt and does not want me to touch her retirement, which is MUCH larger than mine. I have been advised by many people on this board to get a lawyer ASAP and to protect my assets and future.

I have spoken with lawyer, and his advice was to speak with STBXW and try to get this done between us, thus saving a lot of money. Our case (California) is very straightforward (50/50 for all debts and assets), and we have no children between us and no property. He is perfectly willing to take my money, but the result will be the same.

Would it be against DB protocol to reach out to her and pass on this information? She has always been a sensible and smart person in the past, but who knows where she is at as a WW. Part of me wants to save the money and do this between us, but another part is just so fed up and tired of the pain and stess of dealing with her.

I cannot stop divorce, as much as I would like to. The end result will be the same, with or without lawyers.

Help!!!

[raliced]

Hey Kramer -

Here -would be my suggestion. First - it's certainly reasonable to apprach your STBXW (maybe in writing) and say that while you do not want a divorce, you will protect your rights and assets. However - contesting everything with lawyers will cost you both money you do not have, You can share what your lawyer told you and then you might consider attaching some of the forms that would be filed with the court. I'm in California and had to fill them out - you can google them to find them. They are very straight forward and easy to read. You list all your assets and debts - and indicate how you are suggesting they be split and then they are added up on the bottom line. I'm guessing she may have already given you her version.

Good Luck.

[Kramer]

She did give me her version, which attributed all the debt to me. She works at UCDAVIS, which has a 3 part retirement consisting of defined benefit (pension, defined contribution (403b), and tax deferred component. She only listed the tax deferred (30k), and neglected to mention 403b (150k) and pension (4500/month at age 55). While I never dreamed that I would be in this situation, I am legally entitled to half of that, which may be worth 500k with life expectancy of 80. I can not and will not just ignore that, especially since it was her actions that led us to this point.

She has grown so hateful towards me and the D doesn't seem to faze her at all. All she seems to care about is ending our relationship and moving forward with OM. She wants things to end quickly with me so that the timetable gets blurred regarding when she got together with OM. Her people at work already think that she left me in December because I was so horrible, and she was lucky to meet OM AFTER she left me vs the reality of starting an affair in September.

I am just so sad, depressed, and emotionally drained. I just want this to be over and pick up the pieces of my shattered life. I don't want divorce but have no choice.

[Sotto]

Hi Kramer

Sorry for what is happening right now. I would Slooooow things down as much as you can without appearing openly obstructive. Tell your L that you don't want to D and ask them to work at the slowest pace they feel they can.

This all gives things some time. Time for the old PEAs to subside a little, time for the 'rosy edge' to get rubbed off and so on. Many A's combust in relatively short timescales as they are fragile by nature and the fantasy wears off. Not all, but many. It also gives you time to work on you.

You say you have no choice. But there are some choices and control you do have, so take hold of those and run with it. ((Kramer))

[Kramer]

I'm not sure how much I can slow things down, but will certainly try. I will be filing my response to her divorce petition within the allotted 30 days, and it will be conflicted from hers. This will make our case contested. California already has a mandatory 6 month waiting period from the day that I was served, so I'm not sure how to extend that. Perhaps request and drag out mediation?

Of course I will continue to work on me. I have already made great strides and fully accept my part in our relationship issues. Currently, I am not speaking with her other than legal issues. When I do communicate, it is via text or email. I keep my responses short and business-like in nature. I cook dinner for her adult kids every week, and I keep in contact with them for support. I do not bring up their mother with them, only to say that I will not badmouth her and that I love her. Her kids want nothing to do with OM, and she seems content to stay with him on weekends as a fantasy parallel life.

I'm not sure what else to do.

[Kramer]

Well, I sent the email. Here it is; thoughts?

XXX,

I am trying to respond to your divorce petition. While I don't want this divorce, I realize it is for the best under these circumstances and I will be better off because of it. I just want to end this chapter and move forward.

I have not yet retained a lawyer, but I did speak with one. He advised me to talk with you and to negotiate things between us because it is very straightforward.

California law is 50/50 for all assets and debts, and I am agreeable to that. We have already divided property with exception of Expedition. We have agreed to take our own vehicles and student loans. The only thing left to do is split the debts and retirements.

I only have 30 days to respond to your divorce petition, so if you want to work with me on a negotiated settlement, I will need a signed form from you extending that deadline.

There is no hidden agenda here. I am willing to work with you in order to save us each unnecessary lawyer fees. However, I will not accept anything less than 50/50, which is the law. The end result will be the same with or without legal representation. You are a smart person. You know this is true.

Please let me know if you are willing to work together. Time is of the essence, so I will need an answer by March 31.

XXX

Sent from my iPhone