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"I don't really know how I can work on not controlling her without her around."

You do it by recognizing those controlling behaviors in other aspects of your life and to others and you change it that way.

"The best I've got in terms of making changes is taking care of the house, the cats, and myself. Trying to become the independent person I was before we met. "

That's fine but those don't help you to grow as a person.

"I haven't really been able to GAL other than see/talk to a couple of friends occasionally and going back to church. Nothing really exciting or new to speak of. I've been curbing back the gaming. It's hard to concentrate on them when my mind keeps screaming for the W. "

Is that really the extent of your GAL? it also means to study about what makes you a better man and doing things that make you grow as a person in general.

You said you read the books, but you don't sound like it.

All of your posts, including the one just before this one, was ALL centered on your W. Well she's not there and there's nothing you can do to control her actions. What can you do independently that will help your M? What is your list of goals as detailed in the books?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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M2,

Just like you, I was terribly afraid of H moving, but after I didn't stand in his way he stopped blaming me for all his woes. He treats me with much more respect, we've managed to stay cordial, and he's made no moves to file. The point is you never know and it isn't over until it's over.

Mr Bond asks tough questions, but he's one of the best around here. Listen to him and put the effort in. You'll be in a much better position if you do the work.


M43 H43
M14 T22 when it all fell apart
D12 S10
"Never have been happy" 3/2013
EA/PA since 2/2013
H moved out 11/2013
H looking to buy a house where OW can live with him 5/2015
Very cordial, nothing filed
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Originally Posted By: MrBond
"I don't really know how I can work on not controlling her without her around."

You do it by recognizing those controlling behaviors in other aspects of your life and to others and you change it that way.


As far as I can tell I don't have any control over anything else in my life, other than myself.

Before I would wake up late, skip breakfast. Get to work whenever, or maybe not even go to work. I can always work from home. Eat whatever for lunch. Get home or still be home, play video games. No working out, it's late and I'm tired. Eat dinner that appeared on the dinning table. Ignore dishes, more games. Play until eyes start closing by themselves. Go to bed, repeat.

Now I wake up early, pray, work out, eat a good breakfast. I feed the cats. I read and listen to music a bit afterwards. I shower, shave, clean the litter box, empty the trash, make myself a sensible lunch and go to work. I work, most days I don't even see my boss. I eat my lunch, I work some more, I go home. I feed the cats. I cook myself a sensible dinner. Do the dishes. I read, listen to music, maybe have Netflix running in the back ground for noise. I pray, I go to bed early. Repeat.

Not much to control but lots of room for GAL. I talk to some friends occasionally as they check in on me but most of them are too busy in their own lives to want to do anything. I went out last week to a board game night and broke down from it. I'm considering going back tomorrow. I'm trying to figure out what other things I can do. I'm looking into dance lessons. I'd love to take drum lessons but the fact that I don't have a set and live in an apt makes that a bit hard to do.

Originally Posted By: MrBond

You said you read the books, but you don't sound like it.

What can you do independently that will help your M?
What is your list of goals as detailed in the books?


Yes I've read the books.

I'll summarize the goal setting rules from DR. (pgs 81-85)
1)Think about what you want in your marriage, not what's missing
2)Think action
3)Think small

Or from DB (pgs 109-110)
1)What DO you want?
2)Describe what you want to accomplish rather than what your spouse is doing wrong.
3)Describe goals in behavioral/action terms.

The books outline goals as minor actions in the marriage that will eventually affect major change. Even the examples given are things like "we will hold hands more" (pg 88 DR), "we'll date" (DR pg 84), or "he'll say sorry" (DR pg 87).

Did you want to hear my goals for my M/R? Because that's what the books outline.

You seem to want to me to focus on "I" instead of "us", so that makes me think you want to hear personal goals.

The only mention of those is in DR pg 132 or DB pg 224 and have to do with setting goals with your therapist.

My IC and I haven't really discussed goals other than he'd REALLY like it if I contact my W and maybe try to establish some boundaries as far as money and entering the apartment are concerned.

However, in the middle of the LRT section, far removed from anything "goals" related, pg 129 of DR mentions:

"Focus on making yourself a better person. If you've stopped going to church or synagogue, go back. If you've been wanting to take a new class, go for it. Think about some old friends you haven't contacted in a while. Pick up the phone and connect. Go visit a family member. Watch a sunset. Read poetry. Count leaves. Play golf. Go fishing. Do something that will put you back in touch with you, not just because your spouse might like you more if you do, but it's important to feel centered and love yourself.

So if you're asking what things I would like to do to make myself a better person, I would have to say:
lose more weight
land a really great job (this one is a contract one and time is ticking away)
continue going to church
make more new friends (I literally only talk to my boss in the dept. I work in)
take drum lessons
maybe take dance lessons (that one's WAY out of the norm for me)
read more leisurely books


But none of that REALLY seems to answer.
Originally Posted By: MrBond

What can you do independently that will help your M?


That's one of my frustrations with the books.
To me it seems like you're either in column A or column B.
Where A & B correspond to "Not Separated" and "Separated" respectively.
If you're in column A there's a wealth of things you can do independently to improve your M and yourself.
If you're in column B you can only improve yourself and LRT until your spouse is ready to work on the R.


Other than that, I don't know what else to say...


Me:33 W:34
T:13 M:8.5
D mentioned & S 2/13/15
"We can never get back together" 4/2/15
Visited & Mentioned she hasn't filed 4/20/15
"I want to have cats back" 5/4/15
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"That's one of my frustrations with the books.
To me it seems like you're either in column A or column B. "

No you're just not reading them correctly. The principle of DB is to concentrate on yourself and not on your spouse. The primary reason being that you can't control your spouse's actions, only your own.

So in terms of your personal goals as an example. When I mention the controlling, there are many ways of controlling things. Do you get upset when things don't go your way? Do you give up? Do you get angry, if a situation is outside of your control? etc.

Then you start managing those things. If someone is "controlling", then it will show in other aspects of your life and not just your spouse.

Like with the going back to church. There must have been something you felt would make your life better by getting closer to God, or whatever. That's also GAL. Rebuild yourelf mentally, physically, emotionally, intellectually and spiritually and you'll come out a better person.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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Thanks MrBond.

In other news she texted.

She asked how I and the cats were doing and asked how much she owed for shared bills.

I told her we were doing fine, asked how she was doing and then told her a break down of what she owed along with a total.


Me:33 W:34
T:13 M:8.5
D mentioned & S 2/13/15
"We can never get back together" 4/2/15
Visited & Mentioned she hasn't filed 4/20/15
"I want to have cats back" 5/4/15
Served D papers 5/8/15
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She eventually replied that money was tight for her and she could only pay me half of what she owed me.

I told her just pay me when she could and said good night.

That was the end, she didn't reply. Dunno really if I did good or bad but at least she reached out, right?


Me:33 W:34
T:13 M:8.5
D mentioned & S 2/13/15
"We can never get back together" 4/2/15
Visited & Mentioned she hasn't filed 4/20/15
"I want to have cats back" 5/4/15
Served D papers 5/8/15
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It's a start.

What else have you been doing to GAL? What were some SPECIFIC examples of things that lead your M down?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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I went out with a bunch of people from work last night. Beers and Burgers. Had a great time. Stayed out later than I initially thought I was going to. W texted in the middle, didn't respond until I got home.

Think I'm going to try to go back to the board game night tonight.

I've been trying to set up lunch meetings out with various people within my department at work. Get a bit of GAL during the day as well as the evening.

Working out in the mornings.

There's a Japanese group that meets on Saturday mornings that I've been meaning to check out. I was thinking of going this weekend.

Going to church.

I think there's a couple places around that give free dance lessons. I might try to take a couple of those.

My parents have suggested that I volunteer at an animal shelter or with the scouts.


As for things that lead my M down:
I didn't do the one chore in the house that I was asked to do.
Didn't clean up after myself in and around the house.
Complained about the R between the W, OC and I. The W stated I made her do things she didn't want to do in the past and now it was my turn.
Used back pain as an excuse to get out of things.
Constantly wanted reassurance that she loved me either vocally or by touch.
Doubted that love when she did show me.
Kept bringing up issues that she brought up in the past (like the one time when she said she wasn't attracted to me any more)
Convinced her we were better off staying home during weekends playing video games instead of heading out and blowing all our money.
Convinced her she was better off not spending money on salon and nail visits and that she could get just as good results at home if she did things her self. (Again a money/control issue)
Basically allowed her to wait on me hand and foot and not really ever allowed her a break or show her any appreciation.
Little by little over holidays/birthdays she would claim she didn't want anything so I would only get her flowers, take her to dinner, instead of getting her something.
She kept asking for a diamond anniversary ring, I kept telling her she had to wait until the correct year.
Didn't suggest anything in the way of a vacation or a reward for her to spend the money she's earned and take some time off of work.
Meanwhile I would take frequent "work from home days".

Hmm... what else?


Me:33 W:34
T:13 M:8.5
D mentioned & S 2/13/15
"We can never get back together" 4/2/15
Visited & Mentioned she hasn't filed 4/20/15
"I want to have cats back" 5/4/15
Served D papers 5/8/15
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 202
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So the trip to the game night went a bit smoother this time around.

Didn't lose it nearly as badly last week. The only trip up was when I got back to the car I got to thinking of how I was heading home and that the W wouldn't be there. So that got me tearing up a little bit.

Tonight's schedule IC and then a bit of shopping for things that are needed around the apt. Going to try and read some new R books that came in. One of the my IC has been trying to get me to read for a while but I'm not exactly 100% sold on it yet.


Me:33 W:34
T:13 M:8.5
D mentioned & S 2/13/15
"We can never get back together" 4/2/15
Visited & Mentioned she hasn't filed 4/20/15
"I want to have cats back" 5/4/15
Served D papers 5/8/15
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 202
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I thought of another thing that brought my M down.

There for a while every day when I picked her up from work she would have nothing but negative things to day about her day and her job. It got so bad I finally told her I didn't want to hear about the bad things, only the good things that went on in her day. I wasn't willing to listen to both the good and the bad, I was just trying to get her (control her) into focusing on the good aspects of her job.


Me:33 W:34
T:13 M:8.5
D mentioned & S 2/13/15
"We can never get back together" 4/2/15
Visited & Mentioned she hasn't filed 4/20/15
"I want to have cats back" 5/4/15
Served D papers 5/8/15
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