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koalada Offline OP
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Regarding the credit card : we have had one bank account for us as a couple. I have opened my own bank account now and I will tell the bank that I will no longer use the old one. Certainly our debts belong to me too, but I am no longer responsible for her new debts in the future. She is not good with money and the financial mess is already on its way.
Does that make sense?
Sandi I still struggle with the concept of though love. How would it help me if I would know more about the A?


Me 46
W 45
S16 D14 S10
M 20 yrs in June T22
12/14 sleeping in different rooms
01/07/15 she said she wants a separation
02/26/15 I moved out
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koalada Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: sandi2

You must take a different view or approach to how you deal with her at this time. You cannot trust her. It is not an issue of her trusting you. She is the one who broke the bond of trust in the M. You did not break your vows. The issue is not about her trusting you. She is the one who cannot be trusted. Do you understand what I mean? All of this has changed b/c of her waywardness. Do not make the mistake of switching roles. She is the guilty party, not you. She cheated, not you.


That is true. But as a husband I was responsible for her needs and I did not gave her what she needed. Am I not the reason for this A coming into our lives? It might sound like a dumb question but I hope you still help me to get my picture a bit clearer. I'm a novice in this situation.


Me 46
W 45
S16 D14 S10
M 20 yrs in June T22
12/14 sleeping in different rooms
01/07/15 she said she wants a separation
02/26/15 I moved out
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Hi Koalada

I'm sure there are ways in which we could have been better spouses. And that is something to take responsibility for and work on. However, your W had choices and she is responsible for those. She could have told you how unhappy she had become. And that things needed to change or she would leave. She could have left and filed for D.

Instead she chose to be unfaithful. That is the part that she bears responsibility for, not you. Infidelity is a choice.


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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I'm not sure if I'm beating a dead horse here, but have you read the books? If not, why?

Many of the answers you are asking are in there and it would make it easier for us to offer you suggestions if you had the context of the books on your mind.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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koalada Offline OP
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I have read DR. but not DB. because I thought that DR is an updated version of DB. I will read the infidelity chapter again. Are you talking about this specific chapter?


Me 46
W 45
S16 D14 S10
M 20 yrs in June T22
12/14 sleeping in different rooms
01/07/15 she said she wants a separation
02/26/15 I moved out
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
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"I will read the infidelity chapter again. Are you talking about this specific chapter?"

No I'm asking if you read the whole book.

Going back to your story, you said that YOU were the one who was actually going to leave because you felt you got overwhelmed with things. And your breakdown and not working are what contributed to your W's subsequent breakdown and wanting to leave. The A is just a result of the chain reaction that you started.

So the only way to get on the right path is to go back and correct the things that started this mess in the first place.

Are you in individual counseling for yourself? For your mental health issues?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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koalada Offline OP
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The last weeks everything was quiet normal. She acts as if there would be no problem at all. Then she asked me to help her get rid of the old wardrobe. She wanted something smaller. I have told her I would not help. She said "ok".
I also told her that I would not be available when she is away for her therapist training. I have sent her the exact amount of money I have to officially pay for the kids, no money helping her with her training. And due to a terrible cold I will not be with her and the kids on her easter brunch.

I have no idea what she thinks about it. She wanted to know a reason why it's less money this month, but I said nothing. It was tough to make those decisions, especially because I would love to have a complete weekend with the children, but then I would be the babysitter and would support her.
So reality is moving into her life. Do you think this is to harsh?


Me 46
W 45
S16 D14 S10
M 20 yrs in June T22
12/14 sleeping in different rooms
01/07/15 she said she wants a separation
02/26/15 I moved out
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Posts: 762
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Boundaries are not supposed to be punitive. They are to protect you. If you feel you are protecting your interests and your self-respect, then it should be ok.

Quote:
It was tough to make those decisions, especially because I would love to have a complete weekend with the children, but then I would be the babysitter and would support her.
If you would love to have the whole weekend with the children, why don't you? True, you will be giving your W a break, but you have to stop thinking about the impact of your actions on her. Your relationship with your children is very important. Don't sacrifice it because you are afraid your wife will perceive it as helping her. Rather start being koalada-centric. Think about what will make you happy- and do it.

RAI


Me 48 XW 45
lots o' kids
D April 2017
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koalada Offline OP
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I have just spoken with S16 on the phone. My W. would always feel bad when I draw back from the family. She would blame herself for messing everything up.
He asked me to get closer again, so that she would feel better. Her fantasy of a painless separation is tumbling down.
RAI I will think about it. My kids and I would enjoy the weekend, but right now I don't want to take anything off of her shoulders. She was convinced that once I would leave her life, everything would be joy and bliss. I don't want to punish her. It is about self-respect.


Me 46
W 45
S16 D14 S10
M 20 yrs in June T22
12/14 sleeping in different rooms
01/07/15 she said she wants a separation
02/26/15 I moved out
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 762
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RAI Offline
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You children are the most innocent victims of all of this. You don't want to punish them by accident. Don't think of it as taking it off her shoulders. Think of it as another valuable weekend with your children.

Quote:
My kids and I would enjoy the weekend, but right now I don't want to take anything off of her shoulders.
It sounds like you are trying to punish her, despite your saying to the contrary.

RAI


Me 48 XW 45
lots o' kids
D April 2017
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