Should i expose the affair, or?

[Swabby]

So after a few months of finding out about my WAW EA, and in 3 different cases having found out she was still in contact, and the depth of it (calling each other BF/GF, "i love you", etc.), i've found out she's STILL involved in talking with him daily via Skype (he's a pilot, living in AUS, but calls her 3-6 times a day).

I've been working my ass off to GAL, lost 18 lbs (in a good, exercise driven way), made dramatic changes in my person, and how i am trying to think of the future.

My concern is that WAW has asked that we do a D "just between the two of us", which is her way of covering it all up so no one else knows, as she says its no longer happening.

Shouldn't i just out this to family and friends? I know everything in DB says not to if i want reconciliation, but it also seems like she's just completely enthralled in this thing and isn't paying any attention to the massive changes. I'm not doing the GAL to win her back, but it would be nice if it made a little blip in the past few months.

Michelle mentions most affairs fizzle out after 6 months (been 2-3 now already), but while she s going off and enjoying the good feelings, i'm stuck to deal with the fallout (typical, i know).

If i say nothing, won't she just continue with impunity? If i say something to family/friends, i'm sure she'll be pissed and upset, and it might backfire even more.

What is one to do? It tears me up to know now its still continuing, but do i turn the other cheek and just try, as hard as it might be, to walk the path of not talking to others about my daily reality?

After weeks of feeling like some slight movement "might" be possible in a positive direction, the finding out again, and her admission she wants to leave is causing me to lose focus all over again. I fear by not taking charge and outing it to shine a light on it, then i take on the hurt and pain all myself, and just have to suffer through it.

[Ontheup]

Hey Swabby


Exposing is not advised by DB. There are other sites that do use it as a tool though. I told my parents and some close friends but didnt and havennt said anything to my wifes family and friends.
Reading the above it comes across that you are focusing on you WW rather than you.
You have to understand this, you cannot control your wife. Affairs generally do fizzle out, some dont but i would not sit around waiting for that to happen.
In my opinion if your wife wants to go, let her go.

google "just let them go affair"
Interesting article

[Swabby]

That was a good read.

I've played that tone a bit, which got her to think about things and give me a bit of hope, but it s obviously lip service.

I've read and listened to so much now, feeling a bit overwhelmed by differing approaches. Telling her i'm done is one thing, but filling out the paperwork? I feel like thats just playing into what she's looking for, for me to make it easier for her.

No?

[Ontheup]

Hey

Yeah there is a wealth of information out there. A lot of it does come across as conflicting. For me personally i didnt want to go down the nuclear bomb exposure route. I didnt want to expose my daughter to that. Some agree, others dont.
I think the same principles apply whether you want to reconcile or not. You need to get on with your own life. Again you cannot control that other person you can only control yourself.

DB or any of these sites is more about saving yourself and a byproduct is you might save your marriage. If not then you will be a better person in the long run.

How long have you known?

The "let them go" article is probably one of the best ive read.
There is a massive thread all about it on another site but i'll get told off for linking it

[Starsky309]

There's also a massive thread on THIS site about letting them go:


"Setting Them Free"


Some controversial parts of this (like dating others), but it's a provocative read and most of it is spot-on.


Starsky

[Ontheup]

yup ive read gucci stuff previously as well. robx was another poster who followed his principals and restored his marriage.

[Starsky309]

Yep. To this day, I call the letting-them-go approach "doing the RobX," lol.

[CaliGuy]

Michelle mentions most affairs fizzle out after 6 months (been 2-3 now already), but while she s going off and enjoying the good feelings, i'm stuck to deal with the fallout (typical, i know).

Another thing to keep in mind ... you are setting yourself up for failure putting a stopwatch to the A. Sure MOST affairs fizzle ... but if this is a long distance romance, just logistically it will take longer as its all rainbows and candy canes ... they can not even get to the point little things bother them, annoy them, or even become deal breakers.

[mvgfwd2]

If you are asked about what is going on, don't lie. Just say it like it is. If your wife talks about keeping it secret let her know you will not lie about what she's doing. No need to instigate the "outing", take the high road. If she's ashamed to let others know that is her problem. You be the beacon of honesty and integrity. You have nothing to be ashamed of if you do that.

Otherwise, just keep up the GAL, follow the 37 rules, move yourself forward. If she wants to come along, she will.

[Jefe]

If i say nothing, won't she just continue with impunity? If i say something to family/friends, i'm sure she'll be pissed and upset, and it might backfire even more.

She's going to continue whether you give her "permission" or not. You out it, and it's almost guaranteed to backfire. But Starsky is the bigger expert on that. In my opinion, outing it makes you look bad in the long run and makes the pathway back home very difficult. It pits your family and friends against her and it will be hard to turn off when she comes home. They can often carry resentments for many years (sometimes forever) against a former wayward spouse. The scarlet letter approach is far too dangerous for those reasons.

What is one to do? It tears me up to know now its still continuing, but do i turn the other cheek and just try, as hard as it might be, to walk the path of not talking to others about my daily reality?

Find a few (very few) people you can trust to keep quiet and support you.

After weeks of feeling like some slight movement "might" be possible in a positive direction, the finding out again, and her admission she wants to leave is causing me to lose focus all over again. I fear by not taking charge and outing it to shine a light on it, then i take on the hurt and pain all myself, and just have to suffer through it.

You're going to take on the pain and suffer through it anyway. You out it and you're going to suffer more, promise. Based on what I am reading here you're not "taking charge" by outing it, your trying to make sure she feels the same level of pain you feel. You need to take a different approach. First, if you are truly committed to standing and saving your marriage, realize that there is a ton of pain that is going to go along with it. There is zero way around the pain only through it.