Rysinmans climb after WAW! #2

[zew]

Detachment isn't a method. Detachment doesn't feel like divorce.

Detachment is the wonderfully calming sense of relief you get when you decide to remove the ring from your nose that is attached to the heavy chain that your S has been jerking in all directions.

Detachment is the state in which you stop reacting based on emotion, and decide to take a healthier, rational, objective course, while letting your S proceed on their course at their own pace, as it must be.

You will "come out stronger and more complete", as you say, because you will re-prioritize your life based on your own objectives, that somehow you let go of along the way.

You aren't really "losing a big part of your being". That is already gone. You are refocusing your direction based on the current reality. That should feel good.

And none of this says anything about finality, or what might happen tomorrow, because those things just cannot be known.

[RysinMn]

I have to say i smiled when i read your thoughts. I would like to clarify my thoughts and say that i did not mean them in a negative light, just that it is without a doubt a life altering changing event that will bring you through to the other side better, stronger, yet different. Bring on the changes!!!!

[Ontheup]

great post Zew

[Starsky309]

Detachment means "letting go of the outcome." So if it feels like divorce to you, it's because you're afraid that in letting go of the outcome, divorce COULD end up happening.

And of course it could. But it doesn't HAVE to, and truly detaching is the only way you have to save yourself OR your marriage.

It's the whole "free the bird" thing -- if you cage it, it was never really yours to begin with.


Starsky

[alpha99]

That's a great few posts there ^^^^

What practical steps can someone take to detach?

Stop pursuit, stop snooping/checking emails etc, not hang around waiting on calls, not trying to arrange meet ups, GAL, focusing on your own career/job, making new friends etc. I take it these are cold, hard things that coukd be done to detach. Are there any other practical things that can be done? Being.neighbourky in interactions etc?

[Starsky309]

That's a great few posts there ^^^^

What practical steps can someone take to detach?

Stop pursuit, stop snooping/checking emails etc, not hang around waiting on calls, not trying to arrange meet ups, GAL, focusing on your own career/job, making new friends etc. I take it these are cold, hard things that coukd be done to detach. Are there any other practical things that can be done? Being.neighbourky in interactions etc?

Re-read Zew's excellent post above, Alpha. You're still viewing detachment as a method or a set of tactics. It's not . . . it's more of an ATTITUDE, a MINDSET.

The way to adopt a mindset is just to . . . well, adopt it. It's a DECISION you make, a discipline. And then the longer you keep it up, the more it becomes second-nature to you.


Starsky

[alpha99]

Hi Starksy,

I'm sure there are others the same, and I don't want to hijack the thread, but how do you know what to adopt? Is it a case of I'm longer going to check x, y, z...or instead I will refocus on a,b,c. I understand the theory myself (I hope) but maybe like others how do I put it into practice/what exactly am I adopting?

[Starsky309]

If you have correctly made the decision to change your outlook to let go of the outcome of your actions (instead focusing on "What is the RIGHT THING TO DO in each situation?" and let the chips fall where they may) . . . then the behaviors will fall into place.

Think about what you're asking, Alpha. You're basically saying "Which tactics to I employ in order to change my mindset?" and that's precisely BACKWARDS. Once you properly change your mindset, then you won't be so hyper-concerned with your day-to-day behaviors and tactics with your wife.


Starsky

[alpha99]

Hmm so by changing our mindset we may no longer do the things I list above as they are no longer relevant to us anyway, we've just decided not to live that way. Correct?

Not too difficult to understand conceptually but I'd imagine difficult to reach that point of being able to live that way/be aware you're not doing things backwards.

Edit: I hope others are getting something out of this brief exchange. I'm curious, is it.on an intuitive level that a spouse may know the difference between tactically detaching and actually doing it?

[Starsky309]

Alpha, you totally lost me and I don't want to further hijack Rys' thread. I'll try to clarify on yours when I get a chance.