Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 9 of 11 1 2 7 8 9 10 11
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 786
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 786
Congrats on the parenting plan! I am soooooooooooooooo happy/proud of you!


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 399
A
alpha99 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 399
Thanks twinmom,

You have been the main driving force in pushing me to get a parenting plan in place - and now I have.

I'd like to thank all of you (you all know who you are) for your invaluable continued support throughout my threads regarding my sitch. This place has given me hope and strength to get through the really bad days.

I am feeling better day by day over the last few days. I read a bit in DR I hadn't before about thought stop. When I think of my W and/or her A I do try to 'shut it off' straight away. I'm not totally successful but I am cutting down the time I spend dwelling on things.

So what next? It's LRT time. For me that implies not initiating contact unless urgent regarding kids, being upbeat and happy in W's presence, using my free time to improve myself (in terms of physical appearance and personality), and GAL.

Is there anything else I should/shouldn't be doing?


BD - 30TH JAN 2015
S - 30TH JAN 2015
PA CONFIRMED - 16TH FEB 2015 (SINCE AT LEAST OCT 2014)
CONTINUAL TALK OF D
ME: 31
W: 28
T: 10yrs
M: 4.5yrs
D:5, S:6
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 399
A
alpha99 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 399
W just called, I answered.

What ensued was five minutes of BS from her.

We arranged to have the kids on certain days. I don't know how much thought she had given it (knowing her, probably a quick glance at the email) but suddenly, a matter of hours later, it no longer suits her.

Basically she wants me to have them tonight when it was agreed she would have them. She has complained that I was picking them up/dropping them off from her mums a few weeks ago and now that I'm not it is messing her and her work about.

I said 'we're separated. This is why we agreed to have them on set days.'

She countered by saying 'well, that's not set in stone.' She went on to talk nonsense: her mum has invited them up for tea but she wants me to have the kids and drop them off after tea, and I could have them tonight if I wanted to. Does any of that make sense? I think not.

I think from what she was saying that it's clearly the case that she now has plans to go out tonight and wants to dump the kids on me to suit herself. I stuck to the 'this is what we agreed' line. She said she is not sticking to any of it and slammed the phone down.

A minute or two later she called back up: 'This is not going to work is it? I thought we could be friendly and amicable (read: do what I want you to do) but you're just being awkward. Nothing is set in stone.

M: I agree, nothing it set in stone. However, you can't ring me up again and again with hardly any notice to swap and change the days about to suit yourself, and each time I don't do whatever you like all of a sudden I'm the nasty one. We need to compromise.

W: (sarcastically) yeah, hmmm, compromise.

She then complained it was messing her work about and each time she had to take them to school she couldn't get to work on time. I told her that I'm sorry about that but we're separated and when she has them she will have to make her own arrangements because that's not my problem. She continued: you'll get your three days but when I have them I just won't ask you for anything and I won't contact you at all.

I said: OK, that's fine.

She huffed and puffed and then signed off with a narky 'bye'.

I am getting so much better at this. Caving in and being nice would only have lead to her thinking she can call on me whenever she wants to and I will jump to attention. I'm having to live with her being somewhat angry, retaliatory, narky, acting like a child to get her own way etc, but hopefully in the medium term this is going to grant me some respect that I'm not just a pushover.

I dread to think what she might be up to tonight. It's probably best not to go there. Isn't it crazy though how two people who met and fell in love, got married and had children, bought a house together and shared many a good time, can end up in this position. I am setting boundaries and I'm doing the lovingly detached thing but I of course wish none of this was happening. It really is like she has become possessed or something. It is hard when she makes demands and threats but what I'm coming to realise is that she is full of it. I'm calling her bluff. If she wants to go down the legal custody route she will end up in a position where she has them all the time and she'll never be able to do anything because she'll always have the kids. Now I know that I have the power. She can threaten me all she wants but right now I have the power to bargain for what I want.


BD - 30TH JAN 2015
S - 30TH JAN 2015
PA CONFIRMED - 16TH FEB 2015 (SINCE AT LEAST OCT 2014)
CONTINUAL TALK OF D
ME: 31
W: 28
T: 10yrs
M: 4.5yrs
D:5, S:6
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 399
A
alpha99 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 399
I've been thinking how stopping all pursuit is so important. I would have to take everything my W has said with a pinch of salt but as I continued to pursue, beg, plead, reason, cry, threaten etc she has slipped further and further away. It went like this:

day or two after BD: We will probably get back together...There's a small chance but I don't want to give you any false hope.

a week or two later: I don't know if we'll ever get back together...

a few weeks later: I don't think we'll ever get back together...

recently: We are never getting back together...

Now, I have to stop the damage. To do that I have to stop pursuing, which I have done. Now I hope I'm able to reverse the momentum and start to attract her back towards me. This may be by doing nothing, by pulling back, by appearing confident etc around her. But I'm just pointing out for my own sake as much as anybody else's who is reading this that the sooner we stop pursuing the better.

There is a story in DR in the expect the impossible section where the H says he would have been much further along if he had given W the space she asked for at the beginning. I do feel if I had done that W may not have even moved out. No point dwelling on that right now but there you go - STOP PURSUING!!!


BD - 30TH JAN 2015
S - 30TH JAN 2015
PA CONFIRMED - 16TH FEB 2015 (SINCE AT LEAST OCT 2014)
CONTINUAL TALK OF D
ME: 31
W: 28
T: 10yrs
M: 4.5yrs
D:5, S:6
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 399
A
alpha99 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 399
Another post, another message from W.

W has replied again to my original parenting email to say:

'Yes your right we will stick to this rota.'

Just the first true example of her not getting her own way. I feel quite empowered at the moment. Whether things work out or not, I know that I can see my children and that I can be strong, independent, and be HAPPY!

On a side note, not that it matters, rather than some realisation that this kind of plan is a good thing, I think the more likely scenario is that my W has made plans to just do X tomorrow instead. Still, that's not my concern right now. Tomorrow I will be busy playing air hockey with my children, reading books with them, watching TV, and generally loving the hell out of them!

Last edited by alpha99; 03/30/15 01:07 PM.

BD - 30TH JAN 2015
S - 30TH JAN 2015
PA CONFIRMED - 16TH FEB 2015 (SINCE AT LEAST OCT 2014)
CONTINUAL TALK OF D
ME: 31
W: 28
T: 10yrs
M: 4.5yrs
D:5, S:6
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 399
A
alpha99 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 399
Well, I have just been out for a walk. Whilst I'm out, you guessed it, W gets in touch...this time via text.

She says: 'we need to get on for sake of kids.. we will stick to that rota!'

Talk about being all over the place. A few hours ago she wasn't going to stick to anything, and now we have the complete reversal of that.

At least agreeing to have this plan in place should take the sting out of all our child caring talk and interactions recently. I haven't replied to either her text or email.

Last edited by alpha99; 03/30/15 01:46 PM.

BD - 30TH JAN 2015
S - 30TH JAN 2015
PA CONFIRMED - 16TH FEB 2015 (SINCE AT LEAST OCT 2014)
CONTINUAL TALK OF D
ME: 31
W: 28
T: 10yrs
M: 4.5yrs
D:5, S:6
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
What's a rota?


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 399
A
alpha99 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 399
a schedule, timetable, that sort of thing. You have a work rota, the days you're in, off etc.


BD - 30TH JAN 2015
S - 30TH JAN 2015
PA CONFIRMED - 16TH FEB 2015 (SINCE AT LEAST OCT 2014)
CONTINUAL TALK OF D
ME: 31
W: 28
T: 10yrs
M: 4.5yrs
D:5, S:6
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Oh, ok. Never heard that term before.


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 628
Z
zew Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 628
Starsky - a rotation

Page 9 of 11 1 2 7 8 9 10 11

Moderated by  Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard