Alpha - the future is now!

[alpha99]

Previous thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2548599&page=12

OK, new thread time.

Meeting up with W and kids later. I have some new clothes (jacket and shirt) to look my best.

I plan to focus my attention on the kids of course. There's a good chance they will be excited about their new house. I'm wondering how to handle this. Of course I want to be excited for the kids and share their excitement, but I also don't want to sit in front of my W saying how great her new place and life is...without me.

Any guidance on how to handle this?

[alpha99]

Out with W and kids this evening. Went to cinema. Kids enjoyed it. W cordial. Afterwards she reluctantly accepted lift home with kids and we went McDonald's drive thru on the way. W really didn't want me in her new place. Kids insisted I ate with them. Went in, had food, so far, so good. Put the kids to bed. Had a tear in my eye.

Now the fun begins. W asked to have a word about parenting. Explained she doesn't trust me. This leads to long conversation, during which she apologised for having the affair and said it was wrong and she should have just split up with me. Said she hadn't been happy for 18 months or so. Went over some of our R issues, all of which we've covered before but this time in more detail. Again and again her mantra was she wants to be friendly and amicable for the kids. What did I do? Well, I got upset...W kept calling me out on recent threats. I had a minute to compose myself. We continued, covered a lot of ground...but I cried quite a bit throughout. Didn't do.any pleading though. Explained I was sorry for how I'd treated. Too much back and forth to.go.into here. I think it cleared the air somewhat, maybe did a little damage, but overall I wouldn't say so. She's adamant the way she was treated and then her having A means we could never get over this. Says she feels nothing for me. Wants to in the future be able to go on days out with the kids. Couldn't be clearer at this point she doesn't want any R with me. Only when asked about long term future and her plans did she seem to have doubts. Whilst saying we couldn't get back together, she seemed to stop short of saying never...tho most of her speech throughout conversation implied that.

Felt like dirt leaving, feel a bit better now. A friendlier R would be a start but she keeps saying clean breaks etc and shows zero interest in a future together. Seems A is over...so it would seem. W again said it meant nothing, he could have been anyone, is not that kind of person (well, she is), and did it cos of how I treated her. She understood it's a crap sitch and it is hard for her too, and I'm heartbroken. When I said I hadn't shown her love well enough recently for X reasons, she seemed to take that on board. Too little too late was the gist of her reply.

I'm shattered now. I miss my kids and W so much. THIS IS SO HARD. Tho I did better, yet again I struggled to contain emotions. THIS IS SO HARD.

No talk of D, just we are separated. No deep insight to that though...she was clear as day where she stands right now.

[Jefe]

Well, that's a start. Understand, she's playing the script word for word. My wife told anyone who would listen that too much had happened in our marriage to ever fix it.

Sounds like you did fairly well but let's have others chime in before you take my word for anything. I will say this, when it's time to have future relationship/reconciliation conversations you can always say to her something to the effect of: "I'm not asking you to feel a particular way, I'm asking you to work on the marriage with me, the feelings may come later." or something to that effect.

Hang in there, keep working on you, GALing, all that good stuff. It gets easier, I promise.

[twinmom]

NO RELATIONSHIP TALK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You can't emotionally handle it and it only sets you back. Try a line like, "I don't think rehashing this right now would be good for either of us right now."

[Starsky309]

Alpha, what part of "No R talks!!!" don't you understand?

I'm not sure why you keep on insisting on touching the hot stove, and then come here saying "Today I got burned and set myself back, but I'm going to do better from this point forward.


Starsky

[Starsky309]

NO RELATIONSHIP TALK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You can't emotionally handle it and it only sets you back. Try a line like, "I don't think rehashing this right now would be good for either of us right now."

Didn't see this. Yes, THIS ^^^^^.

[Complex]

Sorry to hear alpha. I know EXACTLY how this feels. W sits in front of you and makes things 100% clear to you, and sure..you start to believe her.
Same for me, my W makes herself sooo clear about not wanting R with me.
This is what she is thinking NOW. And maybe she will think this in the long term future too. Do you know it? Does she know it? No.
It feels so hard but just let HER talk, validate (you don't have to agree). You know what the only true way is into a women's heart? I talked to my DB coach with this.
It's TRULY listening and understanding her. This is a lot to ask for most men. But once you can truly detach from your own thoughts, you will be able to purely focus on what she has to say. Women are sensitive creatures.
What I want to say is that you should just focus on what she has to say, don't get INVOLVED in the R talk. Stand for what you believe in, be consistent, listen...then get away from the discussion with integrity.

What's the mother of success? Repetition. That means you figure out what YOU want, where you want to be, and then you go for it. Keep learning how to be a great husband (for your W or whoever else in the future), a great person, stay true to yourself, stay strong and confident, get your life straightened out, be in charge of your life, get wiser, learn about how your W feels, show her consistency and she will gain respect for you. Be a man only an idiot would divorce! If she still does, she's and idiot..! Do it for yourself, do it for the kids, do it for the people that surround you, do it for God!
Don't give up, don't overthink!

[alpha99]

W seems happy. Said she'd dealt with it over recent months. Said yeah, it's hard but there's nothing I (she) can do. Only wants to be amicable for kids...NOTHING ELSE.

R talk stemmed from parenting and trust issues. Hard to keep the two separate. She seems to have detached completely. Every time I see her I think of how much I love her. Moments together like in the cinema feel almost normal. I know they're not.

Kids are happy in their new house. Oh how I miss them.

W reluctance to let me in house was due to her knowing I'd get upset. She was right. Long talk covered a lot but really confirmed her deep resentment of me. Everything in her eyes is my fault. Her parents werent at our wedding, they werent around when our kids were born, I nagged her over shutting doors, turning lights off, spending money, had tight control over finances, she couldn't buy clothes, make up, called her nasty names, grinder her down etc etc. Why would anyone want to go back to that. They wouldn't. I'm changing. Those things would be so different. TOO LITTLE TOO LATE.

I'm not giving up. She did say she'd like to get on to point we can go on days out as a family. If we reach that point she may start to soften if I get things right. She said she deserves someone who'll treat her like a princess. She does. What a fool I am.

[alpha99]

W just called so kids can say good morning. Asked if I want to have them Saturday. Answered yes of course.

W gonna let me know if we are me going to meet again Friday as W mentioned to do something with kids.

W reiterated wants to be friendly. W said if we can then great, we can get on better and I'll have the kids more.

She was very pleasant on the phone. W said last night she doesn't want to use solicitors re kids. I agreed. I said they wouldnt thank us (her) for it when they get older if we won't both part of their lives. She agreed.

My dilemma is this: she needs time to disassociate negative feelings from me. Her criticisms revolve around not being nice to her and nagging. I need to balance giving her space, not ignoring her (w complained of unanswered texts when she sent mms of son's tooth) but being friendly and nice with re to her criticisms when we meet. Difficult balancing act.

I need to show I can be her friend first and foremost, show I'm there for the kids, not some plan to win her back (though it is really), and over time see if she notices changes and softens.

[Sotto]

Hi Alpha

I don't think you want to be her 'friend' whilst she is having an A. You are her H and she has betrayed you and her vows to you by getting involved with someone else. Of course, this doesn't mean being unpleasant to her. That's not going to help you right now.

I think the kids and you are your priority now. And you need to grasp the difference between being her 'friend' (where you can risk appearing to condone the A) and interacting with her in a brief, pleasant and upbeat way - much like a neighbour.

I think the main thing is to work on your own stability and reliability, so she is more comfortable with you spending time with the kids