Wife called me and talked about her day and out of the blue she said well I just want to thank you. I said why are you thanking me? She well I just realized how nice you've been to me(she's recognizing my anger 180 and PMA) it's like your not even the same Phunguy anymore, it's like I don't understand. What don't you understand I inquired. Why are you so nice? I told her that I realized my mistakes in letting my emotions run amok and that I've worked to understand and control them. She said she has been doing a lot of thinking and even though papers are being prepared she is still thinking that this is the hardest decision she's ever made. She can't believe that she has a good man who loves her very much VH and who is willing to work on forgiving her for her mistakes and yet she's still wanting a divorce. I validated her feelings and told her it's a very big decision and shouldn't be taken lightly and I understand her conflict. She said she admired my dedication to our M and knows she'll never find a man who loves her like me but wants me to find a woman who will love me they way I deserve to be loved. Which of course I know is code for " I'm still in love with OM"
My guess is that today hurt her a bit and reality is possibly beginning to set in. Next week should be interesting as the papers should be ready to be filed and everything will get real with expediency. Well I suppose my plan is to keep the light on and the road home smooth, I suppose I could be slightly deceitful and delay this all for a while.
Me 41 Wife 38 T20 M13 S8 D3 Bomb 1/26/15 A confirmed 2/19/15
if you get bored dig up my thread from around 8/20/14-9/5/14. it might blow your mind.
im so unimpressed with a ww's rollercoaster emotions and temperature checks to try to remain in control and avoid consequences. i'd recommend detaching much, much more because unless your sitch is different than every other one i've read you'll need to truly move on before whatever happens in the years ahead happens. note i said years ahead, not weeks or months. take care of yourself please.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Be careful. Whenever she starts with the sugarcoating, she's setting you up. And I may be off base, but I don't agree with validating BS. Unless, you say things like, "hummm", "I see", "really". My theory is that the WW should know that you know she is full of it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Be careful. Whenever she starts with the sugarcoating, she's setting you up. And I may be off base, but I don't agree with validating BS. Unless, you say things like, "hummm", "I see", "really". My theory is that the WW should know that you know she is full of it.
Dead on as usual Sandi!!!
She knows I know she's full of it. Called her out for going out Friday night and lying to me that she was with her friend T when she wasn't she was at a different place with OM. She didn't have much to say then tried telling me many people were there from work, lol. I told her next time she does it her stuff will be in the front yard. Told her I'd had enough of the lies and deceit.
Tonight will be interesting my parents and her aunt and uncle will be at our S soccer game. going to be fun to watch her squirm in about an hour.
I'm still really struggling with moving forward with D. But I'm not sure how much longer I can live like this. Luckily I'm exercising and I'm sure this is close to the only thing keeping me sane right now.
Me 41 Wife 38 T20 M13 S8 D3 Bomb 1/26/15 A confirmed 2/19/15
I've come to understand there's nothing left for me to do. Inspite of all my good qualities, she hates me. My heart is broke but my soul is not. She sat at dinner tonight and was stone cold. I've loved a woman who has been incapable of giving me what I gave her and in the course of those events I became very angry with her. She wants to be the victim so she can go on feeling the way she does. She does not believe she can ever be happy in a R with me. It's incredibly difficult as I look back long wreckage of this M. Listening to her cover everything to maintain her position of me as the failure. What the worst thing for me is I can see it all so clearly now it's amazing to me how I couldn't see anything for the last year or more. Ive learned a lot over these last few months. I've learned to believe in myself, to forgive myself, to not be so angry, and most of all I've learned that I've got two strong legs and sometimes wings to fly. I'm not wasting no more time in this head space. I'm moving her out. I've been cheated and I've been lied to, I feel like I've been betrayed, deeply betrayed. It is going to be sometime before I'm fully over her but as of tonight I'm done for real 💔.
So I started these threads because one of my favorite bands has a song called Devotion to A Dream but I never really paid attention to all the lyrics truly meant. Over the last few weeks this song has come to show me what it all means. I hope it may help some of you.
(Anastasio/Marshall) � Who Is She? Music (BMI)
no more promises that no one could keep no more lies to keep us from sleep no more phone calls when you don't say what you mean I've got faith in a fairytale, devotion to a dream
it's today the vows are broken it's today the charade is over it's today the curtain's coming down
now the battle-lines are chosen it's today my eyes are open it's today the time to turn around
no more knowing glances or places we can hide no more chances to keep this thing alive the two of us together it wasn't in the grand scheme all it was was a fairytale and devotion to a dream devotion to a dream
no more promises no more keeping score no more wondering what I stay here for we broke the awkward silence with polite and practiced lies while images occupied our minds
an uneventful voyage that stranded us upstream all it was was a fairytale and devotion to a dream devotion to a dream
yesterday my path was chosen yesterday my smile was frozen yesterday my doors were closing down
tomorrow I can cross the border it's today a new world-order yesterday my will was broken down
I'll ignore where this is leading tomorrow glaciers are receding now I'm mending things I broke inside
I'm completing thoughts unspoken now I see that webs were woven now I keep the windows open wide
it's today..."
Meeting with attny tomorrow to review some papers. I presume I'll file in the next week or so. I'll keep coming by to check in. I can't thank you all enough. It seems I found this place too late. Thank you all for caring.
Sandi, I cannot thank you enough. I wish I could express to you what your posts have meant to me. In some of the darkest days of my life, you a stranger have helped more than anyone has helped me in my life for a long time. I will be eternally grateful for your straight talking kindness. I don't know what the future holds but I know that I am capable of good and great things and I intend to focus on being that for myself and my children. I have that courage now partly because of you. Thank you.
All of my sincerest respect, Phunguy
Me 41 Wife 38 T20 M13 S8 D3 Bomb 1/26/15 A confirmed 2/19/15
Your kind words have really touched my heart. I just wished I could have helped you in saving the M. I believe you are saving yourself. I have watched you handle yourself with manliness and dignity.
Yes, it is terribly sad To see the death of a M. You will need to mourn. You are going to have a good life. And who knows what may around the corner? Take your time. Let your wounds heal. I am so sorry.
Yes, please let us hear from you. ((Phunguy))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Well today the paperwork was completed. I didn't have the heart to go over them with her today it was the last day her aunt and uncle were in town and were here for dinner. I can't even explain the events. Her uncle took her for a walk, he's a pastor. We said nothing and they left our home with big hugs and I don't think I've ever gotten a bigger one from him, heck after 20 years it's like he's my uncle and she my aunt, I love them both dearly two of the kindest people I know. He told me to call him and I will. It seems like each passing day is harder and harder yet, tonight after they left she was visibly upset, I asked her if she wanted to talk she said no lost it tears and some things about hardest decision and then followed it up with going to put a deposit on an apartment. I'm not sure which hurts more hearing that and watching it or not being able to cry any more, I'm becoming immune to her emotions and that's a bit scary to me. Before it would have sent me into a spin yet somehow I feel like I'm doing the right things and I sort of feel good about what I did today, how F'd is that???
Last edited by phunguy; 03/24/1505:01 AM.
Me 41 Wife 38 T20 M13 S8 D3 Bomb 1/26/15 A confirmed 2/19/15
Still in paperwork limbo and I'm not sure I can do this. I am debating just delaying everything, stalling, maybe waiting for her to move out and experience some loss? Since I seem to hold all the cards in the filing, I might as well play them when I see fit. Right?
I cannot create space or give her loss as long as she's in the house. I've also come to the conclusion that maybe all hope is lost. My IC seems to think I'm looking for crumbs to cling to for hope. It dopes seem an apt description. I've let her go, but she's not gone, does that make any sense?
Me 41 Wife 38 T20 M13 S8 D3 Bomb 1/26/15 A confirmed 2/19/15
Last night she came home claws out, accusing me of trying to turn S8 against her. I calmly explained to her the problems she is having with S8 are not my doing and that I have done no such thing. Further that if she would communicate with me we would not be having any issues with S8 but instead she has continued just as she did before no communication, keeping everything in, and building resentments. I explained to her that this is the same reason our MR has gotten so difficult. That is to say, it how she chooses to handle her feelings that causes us difficulty.
I am dreading tonight and have a potential plan to just get out of the house for the entire weekend and possibly longer. I'm so hurt and torn by her, I wonder if complete detachment removing myself might snap her out of it. Since she will not leave I'm beginning to wonder if I should????
Woooooo!!!!!!!! ROLLER COASTER!!!!!!!!!
Me 41 Wife 38 T20 M13 S8 D3 Bomb 1/26/15 A confirmed 2/19/15
