Mozza (10) + Links to success stories

[T384]

Mozza-

I am going to read up on your sitch but I just wanted to say I think an important thing for people to realize is that an A has to run its course. We so badly want to break it up or do things to stop it but a lot of the times if you act out it brings them
Closer together. I made sure all my family and H's family knew about it ... But not directly from me (didn't want H knowing I cared enough).

When things go sour - you have to be the better choice, the person your H or W fell in love with from the beginning.

[Mozza]

Thanks a lot for stopping by, T0324. It's really kind of you to wander around these boards now that you're in piecing. I look forward, if ever, to having the kind of behind-the-scene information that your H is giving you.

I completely agree with you that the A has to run its course and that anything that we do to hurt it will actually feed it. It's Romeo and Juliet, the impossible love. Them against the world, the misunderstood couple. I want to send the signal to WAW that I think this OM and the R are uninteresting. I haven't mentioned it once in six months. The parallel that I see with your sitch is that OM is 5 years younger than WAW (29 vs 34). Not quite 19, but definitely less mature than her (and me) and thrown in with two kids, an ex-H (me), issues of depression and anxiety that weren't there when they fell in love, etc.

You've been lucky with timing and basketball in your case. MWD does mention in DR that timing can play a big part. In my case, it still seems better to sit out for a while and work on myself. WAW is pumping the kids about their trip to the beach in OM's hometown in July, so she sees at least as far as this (plane tix are bought). I don't know the future anyway, so I don't really think about timing at the moment.

[T384]

I wouldn't too much about timing.. Plans can change

My H in June was telling his family he and his new girlfriend were coming up to visit them in August. Tickets were purchased.... We all know that trip didn't happen. Not saying your W won't make the trip but anything is possible. Try not to worry too much (easier said than done I know). I found that looking at shorter time frames helped.

I also know everyone is against this - but I think what helped me detach was the attention from another man. I know it goes against DB. However, for me, it was knowing someone successful, intelligent and funny was interested me. H had made me feel like dirt and my confidence took a beating. So seeing that someone could be interested in me helped. We hung out outside of work once and it was around the time right before H wanted to R. I quickly cut it off and this guy still is peeved about it. Now I am not advocating for dating because you are still married. Just the whole flirting, feeling desired, etc can really boost PMA and detachment IMO.

Also, you really should start counting OM from when they moved in together. Let them live the life of responsibility and not fantasy. H lived with his boss at the time on his couch and OW was the boss's daughter. Apparently she moved in there shortly after which only sped up the demise of the A

[Pink17]

Hi Mozza,

Just want to say that you sound much stronger and confident then ever. I get all this about dating and flirting.

Sometimes it is not about the WAS but it is some kind of feeling I am attractive, alive. I have been playing "virtual affair" if I may, with RD in this board and sometimes it is not my H in my mind but I smile thinking about the silly stuff RD and I write to each other and all the other folks tease about it.

It's fun, makes you relax, makes you smile and feels good to be alive. It's just a play but makes some moments free of the H pain.

I think that as long I am not hurting anyone, the flirting and dating is pretty natural. Besides, the universe works in strange ways and we never know if the real love of your life will be the next one.

It's nice to see you are having better moments. We all know how hard it is to deal with our sitchs. I found I am having a great deal of pain because rejection. Sometimes I even wonder if I still love my H as much as I think or if the rejection contaminated my soul.

I am totally and example of what does not work, I do not beg, don't cry much, but when my H comes crying and saying how much he loves me, I give in. End up kissing, hugging and in bed with him every time.

I am strong, he comes in many pieces, he gets a lot of love and caring, he leaves very strong, I stay again in many pieces.

Now, I made a big flyer with Sandi's words on it and put it in my big mirror, so every day right in the morning I remind myself that I need to detach, and do it for real.

You are doing it Mozza, and I hope you can gather all the strength to keep a steady journey of making yourself a better person. I believe you are heading on the right direction.

Take care,
Pink

[Mozza]

T0324 | Thanks a lot. You've obviously caught up on my sitch and I much appreciate it. Thanks for your input on the dating thing. It seems that several people receive a confidence boost from it. I'm willing to go down this road and see what happens.

OM moved in officially on January 1. But since mid-October, the kids would tell me that he was there four to seven days a week, even in the morning. I completely agree that living together takes the thrill out of a relationship. I've experienced it (I remember strong arguments with WW just a couple of weeks after we moved in, 10 years ago) and I've read relationship advice that mention it as a passion killer. In one, a woman says that she made love with her second H every time they saw each other for the first five years, to which he replies that they didn't live together at the time. In fact, it tells me that my W still doesn't think that our M went down because of the "indignities of life" (it's from David Foster Wallace and I think it nails it) but because of our fundamental incompatibility. I'm glad she gets to test that assumption.

It's interesting to know that your H's trip was canceled even after the plane tickets were bought. I admit that it's not really a scenario that I consider, especially because it's a wedding in OM's family (so he's going) and it will be WAW semi-annual visit to her parents (so she's going). Anyway, we'll see.

Pink17 | What a warm message. Thank you so much for your kind words. You are right that I feel stronger; I'm in a good place these days. I'm glad that it radiates here. It probably does in real life too. Like you, I'm affected by my encounters with WW, so it feels good to cut her out.
________________

GAL Report | It was D7's birthday weekend! I'm so proud of all that we've done. We went to my parents twice, which is heaven on earth for D7. We went to see D7's godparents and D3's godparents in another city too. We went to a pool and D7 jumped from a spring board for the first time (and I jumped from the 3 meter one and it was terrifying!). We stopped to a huge toy store and gave them a small budget to buy whatever they wanted. I gave D7 really nice gifts and she was excited.

PMA Report | I welled up once or twice this weekend, but didn't really cry, evidence of how GALing really does help. The sitch was on my mind, but Saturday for instance, it wasn't discussed until the kids were in bed. I can definitely focus on other stuff and enjoy the moment.

Detachment report | Drum roll please.... I've unfollowed WW on Instagram! So far, I've hidden her posts on Facebook and unsubscribed from her blog, and this was the last big step that I couldn't take earlier because her account is protected, meaning I can't snoop anymore. Well, I don't want to any longer. I really don't want to know that she's up to. The last thing I saw was a picture of four plus toys (carrot characters) with two parents and two kids, taken on her sofa. She's playing family with OM. I don't need to know this. Flushed. Yay!

[T384]

Mozza-

I'm not saying I advocate for dating per se

However - flirting, forming new friendships with the other sex while being open and honest with them that you are A still married and B have no intention of dating.

I did tell the guy from work both things. I also told him that. I knew i wasn't ready (because he did ask) because I couldn't say I wouldnt take H back and that it was unfair to him or whomever was interested in me
To pursue a R while not being fully commited to a future vs taking my H back.

[Complex]

IMO the dating will become a tough thing for me when I'm in your stage, to make a decision if I go that path or not, especially if LS takes place. I already miss the feeling of being appreciated and loved big time.
Flirting makes you feel better for sure but it's a personal thing if you still want to "wait" this out and value your vows. But don't forget about yourself, you also deserve to move on with your life. Of course you have to be honest not only to the people you are with, but with yourself.
I think it's a highly personal question that can't be answered by anyone else but yourself if you are ready for dating or not.

[Mozza]

T0324 | Sorry, I didn't mean to misrepresent your take on flirting. I understand that you wouldn't take it as far as dating. I was referring more to my own perspective on it. It's interesting that the guy got interested really fast and took offense when your reconciled. My guess is that he's a Nice Guy who doesn't see many opportunities with women like you!

Complex | Thanks for your support. It seem like everyone is in agreement that it is a highly personal decision.
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I had a passing thought while packing my groceries at the store: even this packing can be a subject of mild tension in a couple, in the rush of getting things done. It made me realize that our WAS have to deal with a new R while we don't. Yes yes, it must be great at times, especially in the beginning, but very early they'll have small irritants like these and even if they try to ignore them, it'll be at the back of their mind until it comes to to front and is voiced. It might be uncomfortable, knowing that you just left a "terrible" R to get into this "perfect" one and then see these issues creep up and grow, one by one. I guess my point is that we shouldn't overlook the advantages of not being in an R!
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I was reflecting on my DB'ing and what I'm not doing so well. I'm not sure I'm doing enough to turn into a man only a fool would leave. Let's recap.

Appearance: I take better care of my body and stepped up my grooming (cream and gel galore!). I do the 7-minute work out very regularly and my body has improved as a result. I'm toner than I was (and leaner, but my BMI is already at 20 so...). I bought some more clothes, remaining stylish (humble brag: a few years ago, I won the prize for "best dressed man" in my department!) and improving a little, as with any new clothes. My style hasn't changed though. Oh, I have a new haircut too, called "neat neglect" by my hairdresser. It involves gel, which is new for me. I've pulled the cologne from the back of the bottom drawer too. I've had more compliments on my appearance since S, so maybe it shows. I guess I'm doing fine on this front, even though I would have liked some kind of makeover like you see on TV.

Self-awareness: This is a biggie. I lump in there my work with the IC and my readings such as NMMNG and DR. I was imagining a conversation with WW where she'd ask me to summarize what I've learnt and I couldn't come up with it. It's just spread over my entire personality. It seems like I won't know if I truly changed until I am in a new R when the new me is put to the test. What I can say is that I've started asking myself important questions: Who am I and what do I really want? How do I feel and why do I react a certain way? According to my readings and my IC, this is all there is to it: I'll ask these questions for the rest of my life and will never have definitive answers. Many people, even those who have a crisis like ours, never get there.

GAL: This covers everything I'm supposed to keep myself busy and grow (25yearsmlc and Vanilla are champions at this). This is probably my weakest point. I've learn to cook a few more things, but I can't think of anything else. I've not started a language course, joined a volunteer group or a music band, I've not traveled to new places (it's coming for Easter) nor have I made new friends (I already had plenty though, never been a loner). Sure, I went to a museum, discovered a few more restaurants and bars, but that doesn't sound like terrific assets. I just don't have the will or energy to commit to anything. Gotta work on this.

Any category I overlooked?
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Work report | I guess I should start a section on this topic because it is where I struggle the most. Today, I probably put 90 minutes to work (I freelance) and that includes some 60 minutes to solve a computer problem. This problem threw me off track this morning and sent me around the house and in my bed for some six hour instead of working. Ouch. It must be a struggle to go through a 9 to 5 job right after BD but I envy the discipline it brings. I was passed for a contract today that would have kept me busy for the next month and a half but I'm not too concerned because it was not really what I do. Still, it would have been a good income.

PMA Report | If I make it through the shower and all the way to my bed tonight, it will be three days in a row without crying, which is astonishing knowing that I had a total of two such days in the previous six months. In recent weeks, the crying was more random and less heartfelt though. My past experience tells me that such highs are usually follows by lows, but also that the overall trend is positive.

[Underdog]

Way to go, Mozza.

This is an incredibly uplifting post, from a variety of viewpoints. I really loved reading your thoughts on self care. It's the answer to pretty much everything.

Keep up the good work!

Betsey

[Miler]

Nice Mozza!