Please help a DB newbie

[ababbie]

Thanks again Sandi,

So I know the ultimate goal here is to act in an attractive, confident manner and exercise enough patience to allow her to regain those feelings for me. Is there a danger in not pushing anything that things become more buddy buddy instead of healthy? I certainly wouldn't tolerate the lack of sex in a dating relationship over months...I guess I'm afraid she will end up seeing me more as a guy friend who she can do fun things with zero expectations rather than a lover and husband. Does that make any sense or is my innate impatience kicking in? How does one navigate this road where your W says she does love you, but the passion / sex drive for you isn't there yet?

[ababbie]

So I realize this is thinking long term and not really applicable to the time frame of my current sitch...but how does a true reconciliation happen when *both* H and W make the changes needed for a stronger and more fulfilling R?

Now that things are looking up and my mental state is no longer in a pure survival / panic mode I have had the chance to reflect and am starting to see that there are a number of things I would like to see my W do or changes I'd like to see her make that I feel would make our R better. Also I would be lying if I said I didn't feel any resentment to her for pulling the rug out on me with the BD, when there are things we both needed to work on and change.

I for sure was guilty of taking her for granted, being a jerk at times, etc. I have started the process of improving myself in those areas and she has really noticed. However, if things continue to improve it seems like she is becoming the beneficiary of my personal growth and change into a better person, while not having to look at herself in the mirror at all. I realize this might sound like score keeping...maybe it is.

When does the dynamic change from the LBH going on a mission to get his WAW back, to her realizing she also has to better herself and commit to growth for the sake of the R? I feel if I bring any of this up at all I will just sound whiny, so none of that for now, just thought Id bounce that off you guys.

Thanks again,

AB

[MrBond]

Did you ever read DB or DR? You mentioned you were getting a book in, but never mentioned you actually reading and studying it. You're asking alot of questions that's covered in the book.

If you are looking for a quick solution, you're not going to get it. You really have to study the technique to really change.

Right now it doesn't seem like you've changed at all. You're reverting back to you demanding to want things done on your timetable and within your control. Just because things are curving slightly positively now, doesn't mean you're on the road to recovery.

You have alot of learning left to do.

[Complex]

So far I've only read your introduction and a couple pages in.
At first glance it sounds exactly like my sitch. You might as well start reading my threads from the beginning. There's a LOT of development that I was going through. Learn from my mistakes!
Read the book. Read a lot. Post a lot. Read some more. Stay busy. It's a very very strenuous learning curve but you found the right place. I don't think there ever is a better forum out there than this one to help you to save your marriage, or at least be in peace with yourself if you can't.
Also, create a signature!

[ababbie]

MrBond,

Thank you for the candid feedback, it is appreciated...however wouldn't you consider that all newcomers here "have a lot to learn"..otherwise why would they be here?

My W would be the first one to say I am not a controlling person. Grumpy and a douche, sure...but never controlling. I've always believed that if each spouse had a life outside the M they'd ultimately have a stronger R.

I'm not having any expectation on anything other than a long road ahead, and I hope I emerge from the other side of that tunnel a much better man.

I have read DR cover to cover twice, and I do credit some of the lessons in there for helping turn the tide on my sitch and having things become more positive by the day. It is a little light on the "what now" after the WAW returns to the LBH with the intention of trying to save the M. I was wondering what it was like for any others who have sucessfully DB'd their R...what it took for the dynamic to shift, if that makes any sense.

Thanks again

[MrBond]

"however wouldn't you consider that all newcomers here "have a lot to learn"..otherwise why would they be here?"

Not necessarily. Everyone's situation is different. From what you've described, it's fairly obvious what caused your M to go downhill.

"My W would be the first one to say I am not a controlling person. Grumpy and a douche, sure...but never controlling."

Actually, your acting like a grump and a douche is a way of control. It's like a child who doesn't get what he wants, he throws a tantrum or uses the silent treatment to control the outcome.

"I've always believed that if each spouse had a life outside the M they'd ultimately have a stronger R."

Not really. It's what they do with the time when they are TOGETHER that matters. There are a ton of folks on here who had a life outside their M and can't understand why they can't relate to their spouse.

"I'm not having any expectation on anything other than a long road ahead, and I hope I emerge from the other side of that tunnel a much better man."

That's good. But what EXACTLY have you changed in yourself?

"I have read DR cover to cover twice, and I do credit some of the lessons in there for helping turn the tide on my sitch and having things become more positive by the day. It is a little light on the "what now" after the WAW returns to the LBH with the intention of trying to save the M."

That's what you don't seem to understand. If you followed the book and really changed the negative traits in you, then you will know what to do. You continue to do what works and change for the better.

Every situation and person is different. That's why there's no clear cut answers.

[Complex]

Ababbie, how is it going?

[mahhhty]

Ababbie, how is it going?

Ababbie????

[Complex]

Let's hope he'll find his way back here and things are going better.

[mahhhty]

???