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sandi2 #2550123 03/23/15 03:33 AM
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Thank You Sandi,

I am finding out that I am sensitive and do over-react when stressed out. I believe these things did cause issues in my marriage. I know I have over-reacted at quite a few things in our past. This could have felt like emotional abuse to my wife. I just started reading a book about detachment and codependency. Something the writer said caught my attention. She talked about how angry her father was all the time. When I read about some of the things her father got angry about, it made me think. I think I was similar to this person's father. I remember thinking I had a anger problem a long time ago. I remember reading a book about it. I also remember getting upset at little things that the kids did or getting upset because my wife did not do something when I thought she should have. Now that I am remembering these things, I am starting feel terrible.

I very well could have enabled her addiction! I can see how she could be addicted to the feelings she is getting from what she is doing. All along I thought I was providing her a good life and actually she was just hanging on. I am starting to see things differently now. I think she has held in all these hurts and they just came about with all these changes that happened. Or we have reached a point where all the negatives I have done are out weighing the positives in our relationship?


Me:44
EXW 44
Wonderful Children
M11, T14
BD 6/14
OM Confirmed
Divorce Final 2/25/16
"It works if you work it!"

Joe46 #2550146 03/23/15 07:37 AM
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Joe

All that is happening here is that like you as I read I am rebalancing, questioning and putting perspective on my sitch and my own behaviour. After reading three or four books then generally a view of my own. That is why it is good to take notes.

I find that if i go back and reread my own thread and questions that many of the answers will fall into place but some questions still remain. These are things that need work.

The other main piece of action is to forgive yourself, whilst the effects of what was done were unintended (you were attempting another result perhaps) then damage was done. We can never go back and undo a single thing we did, the past is gone. Today is all you have, take care of today.

Know this too, WW does what she does as a result of her own desicions. She chose her waywardness. Her decision not yours. Of course some of the things you have said or done may be damaging to your M but this is WW choice. I have been very badly abused, neglected and pushed away by an aggressive wilful H but despite all that I am not wayward. I am not involved in an affair. So you see we have a choice.

With knowledge Joe you are going to make more life affirming choices?

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Vanilla #2550237 03/23/15 03:22 PM
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Originally Posted By: Vanilla
I find that if i go back and reread my own thread and questions that many of the answers will fall into place but some questions still remain.
These are things that need work.

GREAT ADVICE!


Me-70, D37,S36
Vanilla #2550239 03/23/15 03:22 PM
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Thank you V!

I did realize that last night. I realized that I have made some mistakes. I want to learn from them. I want to improve myself no matter what happens. I have carried alot of baggage into my marriage from my childhood and my past. I used to just bottle it all up inside and deal with it. Unfortunately these things had a effect on how I deal with people and situations. I grew up in that cowboy life. You don't talk about your feelings. I was always right. My way is the right way. I have been out of that lifestyle for several years and I now see how it effects my relationships. It is hard to change after growing up a certain way. I am getting better, but have a long way to go.

The thing I have to work on through all this is to find a happy medium. Just like last night when I came to the realization about my actions in my marriage and how they have effected my wife. I started feeling guilty. I started feeling like this is all my fault. Once I get those feelings I start heading back to being a doormat. Luckily last night I did not act on any of my feelings other than to text my W about my D next practice. I am trusting in God through all this. I do believe my W has had a wayward heart long before her S graduated. She did lie to me for a year and half about our mortgage payments and she did a fine job. Some of that might have been because she did not want to tell me that she was not making enough money, who knows. The point is she has known my feelings on lying and trust as long as we have been together. And the end result was us losing our house. I made a choice to stick it out. I did not run to lawyer. I did not run to the arms of someone else. I remembered my VOWS! For better or for worse!


Me:44
EXW 44
Wonderful Children
M11, T14
BD 6/14
OM Confirmed
Divorce Final 2/25/16
"It works if you work it!"

Joe46 #2550334 03/23/15 08:10 PM
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Joe

Guilt is not always a bad emotion. If you like my view then I consider that guilt is outward looking, it is about what we do and motivates us to change. Really evil people do not suffer guilt, in my opinion.

Shame is different because it is not about what we do but about who we are. it looks inwards and often we try to cover and hide who we are because we do not feel good enough. We are all Gods creatures and we are in his grace, as he made us.

So I will ask you a question, if you are ready to answer it please do, if not say, "I will come back to that." Or "not yet"

" what does emotional abuse mean to you?"

V

Last edited by Vanilla; 03/23/15 08:12 PM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Vanilla #2550342 03/23/15 08:32 PM
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Thank you V! You have such a good way of looking at things. You help me alot! smile

A few years ago, I would have told you that emotional abuse was insulting someone, yelling at them, being mean to them, or angry at them all the time.

I think now that emotional abuse is ignoring the fact that I may have hurt someone, not listening to them, always wanting my way, not noticing that I have hurt someone repeatedly, not taking their feelings into account, being negative and never supportive, being controlling and getting angry when I don't get my way. Blaming someone else for problems and doing these things over and over and never changing. Blaming someone else for my problems.

I am feeling kinda sad. frown


Me:44
EXW 44
Wonderful Children
M11, T14
BD 6/14
OM Confirmed
Divorce Final 2/25/16
"It works if you work it!"

Joe46 #2550351 03/23/15 08:55 PM
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Hi Joe

It's hard to realise these things we have done, and know that we could have done them differently or done them better. But I am glad for you that you are reflecting on some of this and seeing your own contributions.

This is really important, because it helps us move forward and become better people. Putting yourself in your W's shoes and understanding how this may have felt isn't easy. But one of the things they say on the forum is that a WAS won't return to the same M - something has to become different.

Reflecting in the way you are doing, is a step towards changing. And whether or not this saves your M, it will mean an improved Joe going forwards. A Joe who doesn't hurt his W, who listens to her, who gives and takes, and is positive, goes with the flow and takes responsibility for his own problems. That's a guy who many women would love to be with.

Good luck on your journey my friend....


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2550376 03/23/15 09:39 PM
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OK

So you know the difference now between verbal abuse and emotional abuse.

If you would like to address it,
Tell me how you think you have created emotional abuse in your M, examples taken from your list above, then what will you put in place to make sure you don't do that again.

Remember shaming yourself will not help, feeling sad that it has happened is fine so let's us identify how we can change this so Joe can move on from it.

V

Last edited by Vanilla; 03/23/15 09:40 PM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Sotto #2550386 03/23/15 10:00 PM
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That is why I am doing this and really wanting to change! No matter what happens with M. I don't want to be this type of person. I think that is why I became so defensive. I saw other husbands be this way and I thought, not me. I am sad that I have acted like this.


Me:44
EXW 44
Wonderful Children
M11, T14
BD 6/14
OM Confirmed
Divorce Final 2/25/16
"It works if you work it!"

Vanilla #2550403 03/23/15 10:50 PM
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Okay.

I wanted my wife to have a job and make some money, but always complained about her working all the time.

I would get angry when she did not get things taken care of during the day( phone calls to mortgage company, health insurance, etc) and the first thing out of my mouth when I walked in was what she found out or did she call. When she forgot, I told her she needed to start writing things down and get it done.

When we got in major fights, I would yell and tell her if she didn't like it she can get the heck out! This I did change. But I did this alot in our early years together.

I never said anything positive to her. I complained alot that she wasn't doing enough.

If I didn't get sex when I wanted it, I complained.

When she wanted to sleep next to me, I said I needed my space. I wish like crazy I could take that one back.

When I walked in the door, I should have hugged her and asked about her day and really listened with eye contact.

I should have shared my things with her. Truck, remote to the TV, tools, everything.

When we had problems with the kids I should not have blamed her. Especially my stepkids. I chose to be their father. I knew what I was getting into. Luckily I think I did more good for the kids than bad. But I have seen my oldest stepson act similar to my old ways.

I should have told her I loved her more often and showed it. More hugs, holding her hand in public, cuddling without expecting sex.

I never insulted her appearance, but I did not tell her how beautiful she was.

I needed to be more supportive in everything she did. I needed to listen more instead of trying to fix everything. I needed to let her be herself, not who I thought she should be. Or act the way I thought she should act.


Me:44
EXW 44
Wonderful Children
M11, T14
BD 6/14
OM Confirmed
Divorce Final 2/25/16
"It works if you work it!"

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