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Wet #2549529 03/20/15 07:45 PM
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Wet

I get the whole praying for the W thing, I think I have prayed a few times a day for over a year for my own. Listening and looking for answers I have found some here and there, signs if you will. Things have to happen in their own time, If God returned my MLC'd W back when I prayed for him to do so ... well we all can imagine the disaster that would have followed ... I think its Jack who said something to the effect that God may not give us what we want but gives us what we need. I also recently heard a sermon where the pastor said he had prayed for something for 35 years till it was granted, and looking back, it was the correct time. Not saying we should all wait 35 years .. but the message was clear to me, in due time He has it under control and we must just give it to Him, trust in Him.

When I went to confession for the first time a few months ago I confessed my sins (Becoming a Catholic over the past year), the ones I could remember and asked forgiveness for those and the ones I could not recall, after I told the priest about my situation, my coming to faith was not to save the M, win my W back ... was for me ... but like you I pray for her to return and for her to save her R with God. My priest gave me this simple phrase ... "Do your best and let God do the rest" took me a few weeks to really 'get it' ... I gave her and my M up to God, there is little I could do with either so giving that up was a huge weight off my shoulders, let God sort it out, let him work ... while I continued to work and focus on myself.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



CaliGuy #2549542 03/20/15 08:29 PM
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Thanks Caliguy, you are on an interesting journey as well. Hmmm, waiting 35 years? No thank you (grin).

Jack may have said it, but I think it was first said by the Rolling Stones:

You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometime you just might find
you get what you need


Me-54 yrs; W: 50 yrs
4 kids- D: 22,20,19; S:15
"Trial" Divorce: 04/14 - 6/14
Separated: 06/2013- divorced 08/2016

“The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience.” War and Peace
Wet #2549614 03/21/15 12:52 AM
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So I picked up s13. W was not around, she was taking her car to get it repaired (again). No chance to talk with her about anything.

I went and played basketball with s13, and I am discouraged. I've been to the exercise room 2x this week, and I thought I had more strength in my arms. But I can't run or be mobile. I am going to take this as another goal - make a free throw by my birthday in June.

There was an attractive maroon haired woman at the court with her son. I have seen her around the exercise room last fall. Perhaps another day, I can start up a friendship... Not today though.


Me-54 yrs; W: 50 yrs
4 kids- D: 22,20,19; S:15
"Trial" Divorce: 04/14 - 6/14
Separated: 06/2013- divorced 08/2016

“The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience.” War and Peace
Wet #2549716 03/21/15 02:33 PM
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Yeah, Wet. Feeling the weight of that responsibility to bring our spouse "back" even if not to a relationship with us was...crushing and not mine. For some, they would view that as controlling wink

A fine line between responsibility, caring and controlling to be sure.


For the taxes - my lawyer made it a point to get the order a particular way. Why? To ensure that I would get more of the deductions over time than my ex. I had 50/50 custody though so it was pretty cut and dry that it had to happen.

Quote:
As I look back at our M, I see our problems in talking with each other. W and I did not have many fights, mainly b/c we both avoided talking about difficult issues. The fact that I waited until today to bring this up is an example of this. We both are annoyed with each other right now, and so maybe this is heading to court sooner rather than later.
So I wonder. Perhaps a learning moment? Any judgment on whether or not this approach was a good thing for 22 years? I mean, it seemed to work for the duration of the relationship, right? But something changed before you changed this.

Might also be good to get some agreement in place before it becomes an issue next year.

And S13 - did you get her to sign right there when she offered? She can have the deductions if you have son till he's 18?

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
AJM #2550075 03/22/15 10:55 PM
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OK, is it time for the divorce? W is having a bad day. I sent a text to her to let her know I am bringing s13 back to her place (we had a good weekend together).

W sends me a few texts, all bad news - d17 has received 2 rejection letters from colleges she applied to. And W tells me d17 is getting really nervous. Now this is where I am really good for the family. I am a good calm voice for everyone. D17 is a straight 'A' student. I know she will get into a really good school, and the fact that she applied to top schools that did not accept her is not a reason for concern. I will call her later to let her know I understand what she is going thru, and try and help her to see everything will work out.

So W is upset by this. Then she sends me a series of texts letting me know her car (a 2000 red Jag) "fell apart". S13 mentioned the alert message her car was giving, when she took it to have it looked at. I don't think it is a big deal, but nothing is easy to fix on this car. But I texted her back 'Cr#p' to let her know I was sorry.

So then she texts me that she was planning on taking the kids driving out east during spring break to visit some of the colleges d17 has applied to. But now they can't b/c her car is broke. They were also going to visit d18 on this trip.

But then 10 minutes later W texts me a question "do I have life insurance yet." Now this may seem innocent enough. But this was my last chip I was willing to give W if she would sign the divorce stipulation. I think the message is clear, W is ready for our divorce.

I am not ready to file for divorce. At least today. I especially don't want to talk about this when W is emotional and having a bad day.

So I haven't responded to W's text asking about the life insurance - btw, I haven't had life insurance for 20 years, so there is nothing urgent about the topic.

Anyone care to share an opinion on whether and how I should respond to W's text on what may be the last topic of dispute to our divorce agreement?


Me-54 yrs; W: 50 yrs
4 kids- D: 22,20,19; S:15
"Trial" Divorce: 04/14 - 6/14
Separated: 06/2013- divorced 08/2016

“The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience.” War and Peace
Wet #2550100 03/23/15 01:16 AM
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When is she going to have a good day I wonder?


Me-53(and learning!)
S24, S21, D18, D17
Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
kat727 #2550111 03/23/15 02:16 AM
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Quote:
Anyone care to share an opinion on whether and how I should respond to W's text on what may be the last topic of dispute to our divorce agreement?
That depends. Is that all that stands between you and the divorce being final? Between you and being free? smile

If it is, I don't see how you could not do what you agreed to. Not doing what you said would not be a good thing for you. And it would be controlling from her perspective, if I had to guess.

And Kat, I wouldn't hold my breath. Even if she does, she isn't likely to tell Wet. All he'll see is the train wreck; that's all she'll show him, assuming there is more.

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
AJM #2550122 03/23/15 03:21 AM
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I meant that I see wet constantly waiting. It will be until this happens, heck maybe even until s13 is s18. Who cares if she is having a bad day, do what needs to be done and then how you feel based on how she is now and not how she was or hopes she will be.

Sometimes I think those of us that have gone through this just want to help those in it, get through it, quit pussy footing around and move on to a better life. Because really it isn't a whole lot of fun putting your whole life on hold while your WAW is out sleeping with someone else. I know this has to be done on your time line and you will get there when you do. Sometimes you just have to go through that heck, all the way through to get the lesson learned.

Back to you guys.

kat


Me-53(and learning!)
S24, S21, D18, D17
Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
kat727 #2550409 03/23/15 11:07 PM
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Thanks Kat and AJ, hmmmm, "stop pussyfooting around and move on to a better life" and "Is that all that stands between you and the divorce being final? Between you and being free?"

Yes, I did not call W or text her back on the life insurance issue (W may be signaling to me that she is ready to sign the divorce papers if I get life insurance and name her as the beneficiary).

I did text W this morning to let her know that s13 did not turn in a major assignment, and it has to be in by Friday. W was happy to hear that s13 is enjoying playing basketball at my place. Then she texts me that she is going to get s13 some help with playing baseball. I didn't ask who would be "helping" our son with his baseball. I don't want to know.

I will call W tomorrow. We need to iron out the tax deduction issue. If she wants to talk about life insurance and our divorce, I will deal with it then.

Kat and AJ, I do not believe I will all of a sudden be "happy" or "free" by getting divorced. Life will not magically be better with a divorce. I have invested over 20 years into my R with W. I can be a little more patient and see what happens. And I continue to keep my focus on my children and I. This is the only way I can see of having a "happy" ending no matter what happens between W and I.


Me-54 yrs; W: 50 yrs
4 kids- D: 22,20,19; S:15
"Trial" Divorce: 04/14 - 6/14
Separated: 06/2013- divorced 08/2016

“The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience.” War and Peace
Wet #2550443 03/24/15 01:48 AM
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Quote:
This is the only way I can see of having a "happy" ending no matter what happens between W and I.
If its one thing that stands out, Wet it's that you'll do things on your time. My hope is that by pointing these things out, you'll make the decision that's right for YOU.

No, a divorce won't set you free or make you happy. It's a step in the path you are on. Perspective. That's what I'm hoping you get. And I think you do.

I get it Kat. Just pointing out the various options and other ways of looking at the situation. smile

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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