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AJM #2550068 03/22/15 10:25 PM
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Mighty Offline OP
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Quote:
I don't see somebody who would be happy and joyful in her own life if she balanced the books with him. I'm not saying you should let him continue to hurt you nor am I saying to just forget it. I am suggesting to accept the difference between what he did and how his life will play out. I don't think you want to be around for the remainder of the show. It'll get in the way of your own pursuit of joy (happiness is a dog's emotion; joy is something else altogether in my opinion. A happy person can't be happy when things are difficult. A joyful person can experience much more of life and remain joyful.)


Hey AJ... you are right. I don't want that. I dont think I was really clear. I do not want revenge or wish ill will. I truly don't. At all. The place I'd rather be is indifferent. And off my emotional radar.

Mostly, I feel sad that xh feels he needs to cause the hurt and destruction that he has to find his happiness. It makes me sad that he is so broken inside that he could do this to the people who love him the most and who he should love and protect. It's just sad. And disappointing.

However- if their r didn't work out... it would not make me unhappy. I think I will leave it at that.

I took the kids out to breakfast this morning. We had a really nice time. And the kids opened up a little about xh. S17 said he is looking forward to our trip w/o him. That last year xh made him really mad and was a jerk. I find this interesting bc I just thought I sensed it- the tension between us (bc hww was ticked at xh for being there- he took it out on me). When xh was here in Dec, he was talking about how fun the trip was (granted he told me twice after we returned that we shouldn't have gone- guess he was still catching heat). I mentioned to him that it was intense and that he was pretty mean. He was SHOCKED by that. He was looking at pics on my phone a different day of our trip and made a comment about how everything looked so great. I looked at it and could feel the intensity right away. How different they feel! My goodness- in fact, I used to look at those pics when I was sad as a reminder of what a jerk he was.

Anyway... I digress....

S18 also said that he hasn't talked to xh in almost 2 weeks since xh made him late. He said xh has been blowing up his phone, calling and texting and s18 does not respond nor answer. He also said he doesn't want him picking him up anymore for school (still doing every other week). I'm staying out of it.

My kids are fed up. But, they are moving on. They don't respect him at all. If I looked back at how tight we were and how close- still, even knowing what I know now- I still wouldn't believe that this would happen to my family.

Soooo... my dad and brother came over today to help me pull up more of the ceramic tile in the kitchen. Progress. Yes!

And... hey, hey, hey! The other day, I lifted up the lever in the tub that plugs it and drains it. It came right off. Totally deteriorated behind the tub wall. I couldn't believe it. And, it came off with it up, so the water wouldn't drain!

Ahem... well... I fixed it.

Got the part from Home Depot today and replaced it. Dustin the shoulders off. cool

Have a busy week this week. That's GOOD! No time for pity parties. (I hope whistle)

AJM #2550070 03/22/15 10:32 PM
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Mighty Offline OP
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What I took from Bea's post? Let him pursue his life in the way he chooses. What happens happens. I can't see how it's a good thing either, but I don't see through his eyes and I don't have to live that life. I have joy to seek...


Oh, and AJ & bea.... duh... my brain... I almost for got this great part! ^^^^^

Yes, AJ- Love bea's post. And I also love... "I have joy to seek" That should be top priority here at db! (or better yet... at MLC survival)

Mighty #2550110 03/23/15 02:10 AM
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Quote:
That should be top priority here
After all is said and done, isn't the priority? I mean after getting past the shock and awe part. wink

Have a great week, Mighty!

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
AJM #2550152 03/23/15 08:15 AM
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It is worth remembering that sometimes joy is not sought but comes gently into our lives.

It is the MLCers who desperately seeks happiness, and fails to find it all too often.

beatrice #2550203 03/23/15 02:03 PM
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Venting: so mad at what xh is doing to my kids. How can a father continue to hurt his kids for his new ones. How can you treat you kids like second class citizens bc you have replaced them? I know there is no making sense of this but wtf. As a human being and father how can you make- all of a sudden- new kids a priority?! Wtf! I am so mad at him!

S18 has already replaced his ride and did not have xh pick him up.

D14 called me in tears this morning. She had asked her dad to pick her up bc she knew she wasn't going to mak the bus. He said he'd take her. She was waiting and waiting then called him. She said he was with "her" (meaning HWW" and she was so upset. All she could hear was a baby messing around.

She said she kept asking xh, "where are you?" Bc he was supposed to pick her up. He wod not say anything. She kept asking and all she could hear was a baby: xh would not answer AND THE. HE HUNG UP ON D14!!

He can't tell the truth! He can face what he is doing! It is sick! I felt so bad for d14. She was crying and didn't know what to do. It made me sick to my stomach hearing about her listening to the baby- I can't imaging how she felt. It is upsetting for so many reasons.

Ugh. While I was on the phone, he showed up and was beeping in the driveway. How can he live like this?

Mighty #2550224 03/23/15 02:58 PM
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Hey Mighty, this is THE place to vent it all out.

S18 & D14 will cycle up and down they are also going thru phases with your H and their own (puberty and growing up).

You can gently help them, but they will get thru it with your support. BUT keep in mind this is nothing you can "fix" the R or not they they end up with their dad will be between them.

I know its hurts you to see them hurting..but don't let it consume you. Pray thru it. Just continue to be the ROCK for them and they will survive, they will get thru it.

I pray soon your XH at least relaize that he needs to be able to be a parent to ALLLLLL his kids, and if not ,,,then its his lost.

You mention a trip with your kids,,,sounds WONDERFUL, and it will be sooooo much better then last year!!!

My s14 and I took a trip without H right around BD and it was the BEST thing ever for me!



Last edited by 2BHappy; 03/23/15 03:00 PM.

Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
2BHappy #2550372 03/23/15 09:31 PM
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Oh man, you guys.... this guy has got me fired up. Well... almost.. but I am holding my ground not letting it get the best of me. I am flexing those muscles I have toned over the past few months. They are stronger! But, he's is in such denial. When I step back and look at it- I see some repeat pattern.

Oh! 2B... thank you. I am so glad I am getting better, mentally and emotionally. It does help me be stronger for my kids. And I am able to help them through- really and truly, bc I have been through it, know how they feel, and have developed my own arsenal of tools. My kids are so ready to get away, and man, I am too.

But this guy is on a roll today. First this morning with d14... and the saga continues. D14 said she didn't say anything to xh about hanging up on her or anything. Just the way he likes it- pretend it didn't happen. She just realized the bus hadn't come and had him drop her off at the bus stop.

It stirred me up this morning. I was pretty upset for a little bit. But I got it together for the day. Then on the way home, I started to feel some of that anger which I haven't felt for a little while now.

Then, s18 told me when I got home that his dad texted him, "Now I'm pissed." That's after he was calling s18 and s18 kept letting it go to voicemail. S18 said it didn't bother him and he just doesn't care. I know that not entirely true, but I do know my kids don't have high expectations anymore of their dad. But, I know my son is hurt.

S18 asked me, "I don't have to consider him a parent anymore, right? I mean, what does it matter? What's he gonna do? Do I have to even listen to him?"

I just explained that xh is really "pissed" bc he can't control the situation. That if s18 is upset, he has a right to be disappointed by his actions. That he has made choices which have been hurtful to him and his sister and they have a right to be upset. And to just give it some time and not to let xh's lashing out bother him. I told him to just be calm and cool and let xh deal with it and figure things out for himself.

2BHappy #2550374 03/23/15 09:32 PM
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M, Im so sorry your xh is choosing to do this to your children. I know it is so hard to get your mind around.

I think that is the worst part in all of this, that our children are hurt so deeply.

Your xh is very broken, M. That is easy to see. That's not an excuse because he still has to own his actions. But it is an explanation of sorts.

I know you know that your kids will be ok. After all, they have you for their mother.

Be sure not to inadvertently react negatively when stuff happens with them and him. I dont mean to pretend it isnt hurtful or to not be there for them when it happens. Not at all. I just mean that sometimes we dont realize by our reactions or words that we are sending the wrong signal to them. That could make them feel like victims and you dont want them to feel that way.

It succks. No way around it. Show them that while this hurts, they will be ok. They are old enough to forge their own relationship with him and for now, they may not want to. Dont get in the way of any of that.

My xh and son have slowly figured their way through this. It doesnt help that his dad is 6 hours away, but, nothing I can do about that.

They dont have the relationship they used to have, nor the one they should have, but, they stay in contact and get together when they can. It took a long time to get to this place between them, though.

Does your daughter come to you and share what has happened with her dad or are you asking? When she does, how do you react?

I get your anger, M, completely. Glad you can get it out here. Just dont live there, right?


Last edited by uRworthy; 03/23/15 09:35 PM.
uRworthy #2550378 03/23/15 09:44 PM
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Hey uR. I never ask about that. They come to me- but not all the time. When they get really frustrated. When xh starts acting like a real teenager and my kids don't know what to do. Or I overhear them talking about it.

Today, d14 called me crying, which she seldom does. I could hear she was crushed. I just said, "I'm sorry you have to start your day like that." And I started coming up with suggestions of a different ride to school. That's when xh pulled in. When I got home, I just asked her if every thing was ok, and she just told me what happened. That was it.

With s18, I just wanted him to know that it wasn't his fault. My focus was more on s dealing with his emotions. And time, I said give it time. I told him not to let it upset him and that it will work out. Pretty much that's it. I just want my kids to be able to cope with it without it stressing them out. I have seen them making progress too and getting used to our new family. These incidents stir things up. Get frustrating.

And I am staying out of it. Totally. Trust me. I wanted so badly this morning to give xh a piece of my mind for what he did. But, I didn't. When I found out about what he was texting, I wanted to say something, but I didn't. It is not my r to work out. I am staying out of it. I will do what I can to help my kids through this the best I can with dignity, integrity, strength, and compassion. That's the best I can strive for.

Oh, and I'm not really angry anymore. It was a passing moment. A reminder that I still have a long way to go, but I'm working on it.

Mighty #2550449 03/24/15 01:55 AM
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Not to point out the obvious or anything, but...

Your expectations are still too high, Mighty. You expect him to be rational and think of the kids. He's not. It really is that simple for you.

For your kids? I get it. The anger about it. But they'll figure out how to deal with him. They are quite adept at that. And they'll have a shorter rope with him.

As mentioned, they have you. They're lucky you didn't lose your mind during all of this. And it'll be enough when all is said and done. Trust that and be you. They'll appreciate that in the long run. Seriously.

Your anger is justified. But keep the perspective that its your anger. Focus on the you and the kids and it'll work out well.

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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