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rustbkt Offline OP
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I'm not sure if it would be the right thing to do but yes I would have answered to her text. I think it would be rude not to reply back and would make her mad if I didn't reply.


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Me 52 W49
M 30
T 32
4 kids over 20
EA suspected
Bd Sept 14 ILYBINILWY
Still living under the same roof seperate beds
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rustbkt Offline OP
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Hwkies Thanks for the reply. I have been looking for situations that are similar to mine and having a hard time finding any. I think what i'm looking for is a situation similar to mine and what the LBS did to help bring the WAS back. I'm nit to good with the computer so navigating around this board is kinda new to me. Do you have any suggestions to point me in the right direction?


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Me 52 W49
M 30
T 32
4 kids over 20
EA suspected
Bd Sept 14 ILYBINILWY
Still living under the same roof seperate beds
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 39
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rustbkt Offline OP
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Thanks for the helpful advice. To give you a bit more insight into my marriage I was not always the best H and left my wife to do most of the work around the house and look after our 4 children. Somehow I feel that I'm responsible for the mess that we are in and I pushed her away by not helping out and doing my part to build a good M. I still feel that I owe her because she has been such a great wife in the past and if I turn around and wear the pants and push back this will push her farther away. Not sure how to go about doing this.


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Me 52 W49
M 30
T 32
4 kids over 20
EA suspected
Bd Sept 14 ILYBINILWY
Still living under the same roof seperate beds
Joined: Feb 2015
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rustbkt Offline OP
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So it's been quite awhile since I last posted and not much has changed. My W and I still live under the same roof, just like room mates. She is working in the afternoons and i'm on day's so we don't see each other much except on weekends. Through the week our communication is very limited and I text her only when I absolutely have to. On the weekends when I do see her we get along pretty well most of the time. Our weekends our pretty much like clockwork we just do the cooking, cleaning and visit our grown kids and we even go to curch together. We are now 9 months post BD and she has not changed her mind about selling the house in March and separating. I stopped begging and pleading with her about 6 months ago after reading the DR book and trying my best to GAL. Most of the time I do things on my own but occasionally she will join me for a bike ride or go for a walk together. I think of her now as Casper the friendly ghost. I can see her and I can talk with her but I can't touch her. Most of the time she is not as friendly as Casper because I still believe she is going through a MLC and I get most of the blame around here for her being unhappy. Since I have started to lay low and let her carry on with her life she does seem a little happier. Detaching is getting easier as the days go by because I don't see her much but now i'm starting to get tired of living like this and don't know how much longer I can keep this up. I don't know if I can do another 9 months of living like this in the same house but apart, day after day, day after day, this is so hard. Two weeks from now is our 30th anniversary and I don't know if I should buy her something, take her out to dinner or just do nothing. Is doing something nice for her or with her on our anniversary pursuing her? I think I should just do nothing as hard as that will be but I will take any suggestions. please help me figure this out.


Casper your a friendly ghost but I want the real you to come back.


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Me 52 W49
M 30
T 32
4 kids over 20
EA suspected
Bd Sept 14 ILYBINILWY
Still living under the same roof seperate beds
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 39
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rustbkt Offline OP
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Sandi or anyone that may know, could you please tell me if it's possible for someone to be in an EA and one or both involved not know it? A boss and co worker spend so much time together talking, texting and emailng and there may never actually be anything sexually sugestive between the two but become very close over a long period of time. Is this possible?


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Still living under the same roof seperate beds
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Originally Posted By: rustbkt
Sandi or anyone that may know, could you please tell me if it's possible for someone to be in an EA and one or both involved not know it? A boss and co worker spend so much time together talking, texting and emailng and there may never actually be anything sexually sugestive between the two but become very close over a long period of time. Is this possible?


Hi rustbkt

Yes, I think it is possible. This is what my H did 9 years ago. Due to his job he was in a car with OW for 8 or 10 hours at a time. According to him, he was just talking to her about how to fix us. He spent £100s texting and phoning at all hours. Clearly an EA, but to this day he still doesn't think he did it because there was an attraction there! OW even sent him a letter saying how good she thought they were together and STILL he doesn't see that he had an EA. That is the trouble with EAs they start off with innocently talking and the two people genuinely think that that is all there is to it, but when they start talking to each other and confiding in each other instead of their partners, and find they have to text and talk and meet more and more, it has become an EA.

I hope this isn't the case with your W. As I said, my H had an EA 9 years ago. We reconciled after I DBd 9 years ago, yet here I am again today, back on this forum because he left again.

From reading your whole post, I think you've just got to keep doing what you're doing. I know it's hard. Very hard. However, you do have the advantage of her still being in the same house so she can see your changes. My H is living with his Dad, so can see none of mine. Good luck.


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I agree, keep doing what you're doing. I successfully db'd earlier in the year , but since seem to have slipped back into the situation. It's unbelievably hard, my h is in the house, but so distant. So near yet so far.

On darker days I find reading the lighthouse story helps, we need to be steady, stable. Sometimes I think they honestly don't know what they want or need. They're on some crazy train on their own. But if you seem happy, you're gonna get her thinking. She will wonder what is it that makes you so happy- because right now, it's not her.

In a sense, the positive spin is to think that we have been given a chance to regenerate ourselves into a new and improved version. And find happiness in ourselves.

Not easy, really not easy. Especially if your default, like mine, is to problem fix. Right now moods go from wanting to hold him so tight- to beating him with a blunt object!!


Me 26 H 25
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T 5
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BD: 1/15
EA: 2/15
PA: 4/15
reconciling: 4/15
ILYBINILWY- 11/15
ILY-1/16
ILYBNILWY 4/16
ILY 6/16
ILYBINILWY 6/16
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rustbkt Offline OP
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Hello inpain

Thanks for your reply and encouragement and i'm sorry to hear what you are going through.

So what is classified as an EA. To my knowledge there is never any talk or suggestions at all in a sexual way or flirting. My W boss is at least 10 years older than her and it almost seems like a father daughter, work husband, friend kind of relationship. It's very strange in a professional kind of way.
This has been going on for many years now. Could this be classified as an EA or just work spouse?

My W also brought up the selling the house issue and separating in March for the first time in 6 months. Things seem to be ramping up.


_________________________
Me 52 W49
M 30
T 32
4 kids over 20
EA suspected
Bd Sept 14 ILYBINILWY
Still living under the same roof seperate beds
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 39
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rustbkt Offline OP
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Hi cherry

I have a lighthouse for my display picture on my iphone. I guess it helps me to keep focused when I feel like clubbing my wife.


_________________________
Me 52 W49
M 30
T 32
4 kids over 20
EA suspected
Bd Sept 14 ILYBINILWY
Still living under the same roof seperate beds
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 39
R
rustbkt Offline OP
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Hey Cherry

I feel for you, yes incredibly hard living under the same roof day after day with no end in sight. It's like your hands are tied behind your back just waiting for a simple touch from your spouse.

When my D was 16 and she wanted to leave home she was always so angry around everyone in the house. I said to my W why is she always so angry and my W replied .......
" its easier to leave home when your angry."
When I'm around my W i'm alway's positive and happy. I'm not going to let her leave angry and if she does leave she knows where to find the happy lighthouse if she wants to come back.
Keep your chin up cherry, you can do this.


_________________________
Me 52 W49
M 30
T 32
4 kids over 20
EA suspected
Bd Sept 14 ILYBINILWY
Still living under the same roof seperate beds
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