Lou, what people are saying is right - in fact there is a risk that we become the OW in emotional terms to them at certain points n their journey.
And they are on such a roller coaster of emotions. I do wonder if they believe what they are saying when they say it (a bit like a small child) but can't hold on to any feeling for long.
Having said that, certainly better to have calm and positive interactions than abuse fests that some of them specialise in.
What I would say is do not initiate contact. If he wants to talk then you can make that decision. They tend to see contact as pursuit in my experience.
Thank you dejavu and Beatrice. I am very conscious that I don't become the emotional ow - it seems a fine line between allowing communication to remain open, but still remaining detached from it all as nothing has actually changed.
I get the impression from sx2 that ow is not going to be around for long, I think its a case of h working out how he is going to end it as they are now financially tied together .... the hole is deep !! but as its been pointed out - actions speaks louder than words, plus just because he has ended it with her does not mean I am on his radar - it just means he is single again.
I have no intentions of changing my path, its still all about me and my boys. He is still spinning away in the corner and I don't see that changing any time soon.
You sound really good Lou. So full of clarity and it is a gift. From your very first post here you've been a positive person with a true sense of clarity. How do you attain that knack for understanding the complexity of a situation and not getting lost in it.
Glad to hear you are back closer to your boys. Even when they are off doing there own thing it is a comfort to be together for a meal or just knowing you have each other's back.
Lou you always inspire me to carry on. I just know you are moving towards an exciting adventure.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
Good for you, Lou! It looks like things are moving along quite nicely for you:)
Nice work on the cleaning gig too!
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
How do you attain that knack for understanding the complexity of a situation and not getting lost in it.
Gwen, I have no idea, I didn’t know I have lol. I feel very lost in all of this MLC marlarkey. I have read everything I can and taken on board everyone’s advice here. Everyone’s sitch is different, I suppose I am fairly lucky as ironically h left for freedom and ended up tying himself down and I ended up with the freedom.
I listen to what the vets here advise. I have remained no contact, everything has come from him. I have made myself GAL and through that I have gained PMA. I also have to say that I have the best girlfriends in the world - my NZ ones kept me alive during the first few months and my UK ones let me cry, vent, hugged me, partied with me (lots), I have done things out of my comfort zone which has made me realise that I can do anything if I put my mind to it. l smile and laugh a lot now, something I never thought I would do ever again. I look back at how I was in the early months and I can’t believe that was me – a complete wreck, not even able to go grocery shopping without crying in the supermarket, not functioning at all, the begging and pleading for him to “try”, omg, mortification at the degrading things I did and said to try and keep him.
The biggest thing I have learnt is to "let it go" - seriously, you have no control over anything apart from yourself, your thoughts and your actions - so why stress about the things you can't control, there is no point. On my grave stone is going to be "there is something always around the corner - have faith it’s going to be something good". It may sound hippy Zen, but it’s true. If you have a bill to pay, then is worrying about it going to get it paid, nope, all that worrying does is make you ill - something will come along, somehow it will get paid and then all that worry was for nothing – I try and apply the same principle for everything now ….it’s taken me a long time to work this out, and I am far from perfect at doing it.
Gwen - I can assure you that the outer me is going along fine, making plans, making decisions and learning about the new world I now live in. The inner me is a mess, I still think about h all the time (more so when he contacts), I still hurt, heck I still have days of tears, wondering how he can prefer a short, fat, smoking, snorer over me; he has gone for someone who is everything he has never liked in a person ....is that an insult to me, or is that his craziness? IDK, but it hurts. One day I hope my inner and outer will catch up, if I keep the outer me going then when the inner me does catch up, wow, its going to be a beautiful sunshine life :o)
Gwen, you will find your way, you are a strong lady – I am on your journey with you. Every day find some good in the world, even if its 5 mins peace and quiet – I found listening to music helps, I have gathered an eclectic play list now, all the songs mean something to me – it’s funny, I can’t listen to the stuff I played in the early days because as my journey progresses the songs change – my girlfriend has Alanis Morrisette, she is renowned for I Hate All Men songs, she plays it at full volume and screams along to it in the car!!! Been there, done that ha ha.
Moved in to our new place – it didn't take long as I didn't have anything to move in lol ….working progress !!
Had our first hiccup – I accidentally flooded the laundry; left the plug in the laundry tub and the washing machine drained into it, overflowing …eek! Ended up not only going over the brand new carpet in the hallway, but leaking along the wall into the bedroom (again brand new carpet) and soaking in to my brand new mattress that was on the floor waiting for a base to arrive …. Thankfully it’s still hot here and I am hoping the warmth of the house and the sun will dry everything out before the landlord visits next !!
AND then - got a suggested friend on FB of ow, a profile pic of her and h laughing and smiling … thanks fb; seems that as h and I have mutual friends that’s why she was suggested even though he is no longer on my fb friends.
It all got too much – I had a meltdown; it just seems that ever since I arrived back in NZ everything has compounded into a huge weight of emotions on top of me.
First sorting out s18, getting him out of where he lived, back in to a safe environment, fed and clothed. Unfortunately it meant renting a flat which was not the original plan and that has stretched me financially, which in turn has made me worried about finding work to pay for it all. S18 is going to start paying rent next week which will help. The pressure is now on to find work asap, and with no qualifications or experience it’s going to be a challenge. We don’t have furniture and whilst there is loads of 2nd hand out there, we have no way of picking it up – ahhhhhh. I have found a fridge that can be delivered next week, so hooray :o)
S21 seems to have sorted things out with his d after I spoke to them both last week. S18 told me that he spoke to both of them yesterday and they were happy, ow was there too and they were all laughing in the background ……puke …. So good for s21 not liking her and so good for h feeling she was rushed and not a keeper.
S18 still maintains that nothing has changed; that h won’t stay with her. It been very confusing because as much as I try and accept that my m/r is completely over, absolutely everyone who knows we have split said immediately it’s a MLC and he will regret this and want me back in his life; even s18 maintains that his d still cares about me as he always asks him if I am ok and does he know what I have been doing etc. He pointed out that it took h 1 minute from the time of receiving the text that I was back in NZ to pulling over in his car and ringing him, he said “why would he do that if there was no interest?”
Idk, I get conflicting reports that he isn’t happy, then he is happy, it messes with my head. I try and keep focused on my plans, my direction, but it’s a distraction that I can’t help falling for. Anything to do with him draws me in so quickly.
I am missing my friends back in the UK, they are my angels and helped me get to the point I am now. I was building a life back in the UK, I started to smile and laugh again and learnt that there is a possibility of a life after h and although I know my sx2 are my priority and I am where I am supposed to be right now, I can’t help but feel very lonely and slightly drowning without my girlfriends around me.
Anywhoo – nothing has changed, apart from having a wet carpet and mattress lol. I think anything to do with h will continue to mess with my head – that’s love for you; it’s a powerful emotion and sometimes is not a nice one to have :o(
You have changed Lou. Please don't allow H to undo all the strength you have gained over the last few months. I know this stings but he is still with her. There is this saying, "When people show you who they are believe them."
Who knows what the future will bring but for now you must focus on yourself. I have no doubt that H misses you but he is not doing anything except keeping you on the back burner. Gosh that sounds cruel to write those words but H is living in your home while you are struggling.
Enough about him. Let's talk about you and all you want to accomplish. Lou you have been such an inspiration to me. I love the way you look at life. Your ability to remain positive is what will get you through this tough time.
Allow yourself a meltdown or two. Be hopeful but also be realistic right now. H is not helping you IMHO and maybe that's why you miss the UK?
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
Lou, I'm glad to come here today and read that you've found a place to live and have moved in. I'm sorry you had a "flood", but you caught it before it could go any further. I hope you have some windows that you can open and possibly a fan or two to help dry out the carpet and mattress. These things happen and don't beat yourself up over them. It was an accident and most likely you had other things on your mind when you were doing the laundry.
I'm glad your son is living w/you and will help out w/the rent. Your sons don't know how lucky they are to have you as a mother. Hopefully he will get back on an even keel and you can find work very soon.
As for meltdowns, let them rip. You've had a lot on your plate and those emotions have to be vented somewhere. As for the photo of your xh and ow...let it go. No one knows just what they are thinking or feeling on any given day. He may have been happy as a lark when the photo was taken and then down in the dumps later. He is still curious about you and what you are doing so that tells me that he still have feelings for you deep down. After all, you two were together for a number of years and I don't care what they say, they will have memories of us pop up from time to time and do think about us.
Keep in mind, that the mlcer does wear masks. It takes a lot of work to appear happy in mlc land. When he's alone, he's probably a bit sad and questions himself...but he's not going to tell anyone that he does. Pride is a difficult pill to swallow. So, don't worry about him...God's got him covered and will work on him.
I'm sure you are missing your friends back in the UK. You had some great times visiting and people to bounce ideas off of. Now, you are back in your country, starting a new life and yes, you'll make new friends along the way. Your next chapter has begun and I can't wait to see how it unfolds.
Lou, you are doing great!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you Gwen and job for the pep talk, I know that I am not very good at giving myself permission to have a meltdown.
Woke early hours of this morning to something on my face; after the initial jump up and shake myself off I turned on the light to find a cockroach scuttling up the curtains – nice!
As I lay back down, I did have to smile at the craziness that is my life – if I wrote down what has occurred in the past year or two, then I would have to sell it as fiction as no one would believe it to be real lol.
Gwen – I can tell that you are a lovely beautiful person, as only one like you could show such kindness towards someone they have never met, I am humbled that you choose to be in my circle of friends.
Job – you are so wise and I always listen to you, your advice and support has got me through many a dark day. It would have been easy for me to ring h and ask for help, but I have stuck to my NC rule; I hear you in my head telling me that it is pursuing and the only thing it will achieve is more hurt and rejection. I am always glad that I don’t succumb to temptation, as I know the fantasy conversation in my head really would not go like it in reality!
This state of sadness is getting me down, it hangs over me as a constant reminder of what/who I have lost. I do wonder if I am going to be one of those women who never get over their "one" as I still feel that h was mine ....is mine ....lets stay optimistic a while longer !
lou = the link after a long and happy marriage never really goes away - certainly for most women. We move on and get lives, and find happiness, but honestly I think it is a bit like losing a sibling (my sister died when i was seventeen) They are always with you, and it gets to be in a better, if not always good, way. Life moves on. Most people I know in a successful second marriage tell me it is different. Good, but not quite the same.
Difficult/abusive first marriages are another story. But we were happy, and that takes a lot of getting over. More like widowhood.
This is the hardest thing I have done in a long life, but I have survived, and found joy. Read the story of Shadrach, Mishak and Abendigo, and listen to Sam West's sermon on this (google) and I thnk you will be moved and helped. he is a Brit who was Dean of Duke Divinity School/
