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Bea- I can really relate to your sitch. My H rarely contacts us and I wonder what to expect in the future. I keep sensing that things are not over but I have no idea what not over really means. Will he just completely disappear? Will he get mad? It is all so strange and reading about you've survived gives me inspiration.

Thanks for helping me see my future can be peaceful and detached.


M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters
BD: 5/14
Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW
D Final 9/17

“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.”
― Maya Angelou



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Hi Beatrice

I have just read your post and the immediate thought that came to my mind was: He is telling you that he cannot forgive himself….

Sounds as if he needs to forgive himself… doesn't make any of it alright, just allows a platform for him to move forwards…. and everyone else too.

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Gwen, I think a bit of us worries that this is really all our fault, even when our heads tell us otherwise.

It is one thing to own a part in any relationship rift, but what most of us here experience is different.

My intermittent glimpses of my xh husband show me that this is a very strange and troubled human being who still isn't happy. Our work on ourselves does pay off, and we reach a place of calmness and stability.

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Originally Posted By: beatrice
Gwen, I think a bit of us worries that this is really all our fault, even when our heads tell us otherwise.

It is one thing to own a part in any relationship rift, but what most of us here experience is different.

My intermittent glimpses of my xh husband show me that this is a very strange and troubled human being who still isn't happy. Our work on ourselves does pay off, and we reach a place of calmness and stability.


I think this especially true when the MLC'er is trying to make it YOUR fault, after all it could never be their fault.

However this is an excellent point and Job's advice that

We didnt break them and can not FIX them.

Thanks


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Hey bea. I just wanted to say that I think this thread is really interesting. You have been watching your xh go through this for a very long time. I am glad that you are at a place where you can do this and not let it get to you anymore. The thought of this for years to come kind of freaks me out.

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Mighty It isn't freaking - it would have been at one time, but that is the point. I have detached and moved on.

I really related to your post about how much you loved your xh. I ached with love for my xh, and the loss of him seared my soul. It was like being too close to a great fire, while being frozen out for someone who was using him.

The helplessness of the lbs to do anything is part of the crippling effect that deailng with a mlcer can have. Detaching from the madness is the only way we can save ourselves.

You are having a second crash course in this, but all the lessons from round one are kicking back in, and you will be fine. There is no point denying the hurt, pain etc, and we tell ourselves comforting stories about better people coming into our lives.

Well, they do, but we do not always get what we think we want!

I worry about people who have a life plan - guildelines maybe, but it can close us fatally to what life really has to offer.

However I can do without the kind of surprise that MLC gave me!!

There are many heroes and heroines on these boards, but know you are one of them.

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bea- that's a great point! Being that detached to observe, unaffected.

For me right now, I need distance. The further the better. The best way to cope and heal. Too many fresh wounds that reopen with contact. Or even just seeing him, for that matter.

Maybe someday I can get to the place you are. I hope so.

And as far as the last comment you made.... well... after I picked my chin off the floor... I realized that I really can't accept something like that... too much, too big. But, thank you. I don't think I'm doing anything but surviving. And you beautiful people have helped me do that.

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Mighty - I needed distance and lots of it for a long long time. It is only recently that I have reached the point where I am unaffected (mostly) by interaction.

You will get there I am sure, and I would think a lot sooner than I did grin

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After a month of silence from xh I got a brief email message to say he was dropping the legal action! So I sent a brief thank you back.

Apparently he was visiting an old friend from way back recently. not sure if old friend made him see sense . . .

Who knows?

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Hi Bea,

Very good news - the relief of not having this hanging over you, regardless of how much you are prepared, these days, to deal with his BS.

Thanks for posting the news, too.
It helps to hear how these things pan out long term.

I'm a great believer in the patterning of this mlc phenomenon, and as someone who is still stuck in a financially controlled relationship with my X nearly 4 years after BD, I appreciate hearing how, eventually, some of these threats come to nothing.

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