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Hi LouR!

I want you to put everything down and LAUGH!! JUST LAUGH!

LAUGh! LAUGH! LAUGH! Wet mattress and all. :-)

Feel silly and LAUGH! No crying. No anger. Just laugh. These stories really can't be written in any fiction cuz they would be so unbelievable. So laugh! Enemy can't win. LAUGH!

I think that's the only thing that really makes sense in this MLC craziness besides hope that EVERYTHING will work out for the good! Romans 8:28 baby!

Luv you LouR. STay focused on the good. Affirm the good.
Prayers to you always my friend.

In HIs Love

VGE1


Romans 8:28

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Ok, waaaay too much time on my hands. So was just pondering as to why is it that I continue to cling on to hope; why is it that I can’t seem to accept that my m is over and h no longer wishes to be a part of my life romantically.

I am doing everything advised, I have remained NC (which has been harder since I came back) I am GAL and am making decisions and goals which don’t include him. I have tried to remain in neutral territory on the rare occasion he does contact me. Idk what else I can do to turn these thoughts off.

They have been fuelled all along the way, I know this is not helping, and maybe until he does file for d (which can’t happen until June 2016) I won’t let go. I ask myself why I would even want him back in my life; this man ran away from 24yrs of us, no explanation – he did not really understand it himself – no wanting to try and make it work, no courtesy, loyalty or commitment to our vows, he just walked away, leaving me destroyed and my life a mess.

But then I read all I can on MLC, he fits so much of the script and even my Dr voiced his opinion that it is a MLC and he will be one sorry man. I feel this is not him, like an alien has taken over his brain. I occasionally see glimpses of the old him, the one I loved so deeply, he does/says things which makes me wonder if he is truly happy with his decision. I wonder how he can email or talk to me after months of no contact and sound so casual, like we only spoke yesterday – comfortable with me. I am the women he left, I am the women he no longer wants to be with, I am the women who was the “cause” of his unhappiness; so how can he be so friendly towards me –

I don’t know anyone who has had a friendly break up of their marriage when it’s not been an amicable decision between them both – so this situation we LBS find ourselves in is not normal.

I am getting myself down over it, I feel swamped by thoughts again – the will he, won’t he tug of war. I also know that I have had a lot to deal with since I arrived back and him speaking to me last week after 5 months just compounded it – he drew me in so quickly with his voice, like he was away for a few weeks and would be home soon. The progress I made over the past few months was undone in a matter of minutes.
It’s very frustrating.

Well, thanks for reading my thoughts and rambles. As ever I appreciate so much being able to offload here. I think my friends are getting sick of listening to me go around in circles – I can hear them now ….be done with him already !!

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It is society that is unrealistic. Friend of mine whose xh had a MLC - she had the same thing from firneds, until the same thing happened to one of them.

Then they 'got' it.

The fact is we are normal and they are not. We learn to live with the unreality of it, but it doesn't make it real

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LouR - You are half a world away but I know your anguish because it mirrors my own. The longer time passes the less I am able to make sense of things. It has only been in the last week or so that I am beginning to feel that trying to make sense of it is not worth the energy.

You sound like such a compassionate person. The feelings you have are normal because you are still you. Time helps. Distractions help. NC really helps me.

MLC may be very real (I believe it is and so does my therapist) but at some point the LBS has to accept that our spouses still made choices along the way. MLC doesn't excuse it but it helps explain the behavior.

Maybe we don't need to love them less but we do need to love ourselves more?


M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters
BD: 5/14
Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW
D Final 9/17

“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.”
― Maya Angelou



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Thanks gwen and bea, idk what is going on in my head, it seems that pit of sadness has taken over again - recycling through the stages of grief I presume.

Talking to h hit me hard, it was lovely to hear his voice, he sounded so down and I ended up just wanting to hear him say those words.....but of course he didn't.

Yesterday I made a few decisions for my future, it does not take any of this pain away but does give me a goal to head towards.

I do feel like I am drowning in sorrow again, I have stayed strong through this relapse and remained NC, I know that it would only end with more pain and rejection if I didn't.

Idk, it's not as though he is happier now, it makes all this even more pointless.

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Quote:
so how can he be so friendly towards me –
As it turns out, you only see what he wants you to see, Lou. You can't know if he's "happy" or not. And don't be so hard on yourself - when they "intrude" back in our lives it is hard for a while. Frustrating is the right way to put it. It'll stay that way until you make peace with it. A conscious effort to not let it get it to you or destroy your life each time.

There's a lot of pain there, Lou. If there wasn't, then you would have wasted those 24 years. And he is basically taken over by an alien. Unless and until he shakes that alien off, he's not the person you knew and he won't be no matter how hard he tries to sound like it.

Hang in there Lou! It gets better, but never as fast as we'd like. But it does get better.

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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LouR, he WILL be a very sorry man...

I understand what you are feeling. I’ve been at this for more than 2 ˝ years, coming up to 3… And I still get my head messed up when I see H. Not as much as when I hear from him, thank goodness! The NC is the best thing to get through this. One step at a time. Just keep doing what you are doing, making sure your sons have a parent they can rely on.

He is not happier, but he has long ways to go the realization that he gave up the best thing in his life for snoring, trashy OW. Hang in there.


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
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Awwwww thanks ajm and BrightFuture, idk where my head has been lately, I need to get my focus back.

I went to work this morning to be told they have let their cleaner go,so I have been offered a job until I find full time. Helps pay the rent so happy.

Chatted to a couple girlfriends on WhatsApp, they gave me pep talks, reminding me how loved I am and how far I have come. Wish they were closer, they are all gd for a drunken night out and hugs!!

I know I will be fine; the little sparkle I found while I was away is still alight, it just got hidden, I know it will return.

Thanks to everyone who is supporting me through this, I am so grateful to you all. I hope one day I will be able to offer advice to another LBS who finds themselves here - showing them they can and will survive and life will be good - maybe even better :o)

So until the next time he contacts and messes with my head, my focus remains on my boys, deciding on what I want to do in the future -

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Lou,
We all have little "slips" when it comes to our mlcing spouses and the contact we have w/them. The point is to not allow the "slips" to bring you down and keep you down.

I'm so happy that your girlfriends continue to give you pep talks. You need them in your life and yes, you are loved by many people, not just in the real world, but here as well. They are absolutely correct in the fact that you've come a long way in such a short amount of time. This path is not an easy one, but you've managed to find what works best for you and you've been navigating your journey in a very classy way. Don't allow your h to take away your sparkle. He's just not worth it at the moment.

I'm glad that you've gotten full time employment. It may not be what you want, but at least it will pay the bills until you can find something better. Take your frustrations out on cleaning the rooms.

Continue to keep the focus on you and your sons. Lou, I think you've been doing a bang up job of keeping things together. Don't ever allow anyone to take your sparkle away.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Thanks job, unfortunately the cleaning is not full time after all - seems my boss was just venting about her permanent cleaner being useless and used me for a few days to do a proper clean of the units - back to normal tomorrow. Never mind, it was work and helped towards this weeks' rent.

Managed to flood the laundry again, this time the hose detached from the w/machine - should have checked it when I moved in, so my fault. So wet carpet again for the second time in a fortnight !! I have never had this happen before; is karma trying to tell me something - my friend said I seem to have so much bad luck following me around, I must have been a serial killer in a past life !!

Still cant bring myself to buy furniture, I keep looking at it as couch or rent - hmmm rent wins. I know it will happen and I should not be so materialistic, but after cleaning yet more mouldy windows and walls in my new place, scrubbing floors and toilets for work, the floods, not being able to afford to set myself back up again and worried about where the rent is coming from each week - I am taking a good hard look at my life and think "seriously, is this what my life has come to?" This is not what I want for myself - so how to change it ....I know only I can change it ....but I have been asking myself the same question for months now and still come up with nothing.

It seems that I really cant move off the life I was leading and the life I was about to have with h - our empty nest, second honeymoon stage of life. Stuck in the past - I am stuck with h.
Its most infuriating - how weak am I, allowing this man to dominate my thoughts, emotions and life. I never imagined I would be like this - more like a kick him to the curb kinda gal.

On an amusing note - so for those who are following me, and those who have just joined my journey; I got given a session with a psychic by a friend last year; its not something I am in to, had never been to one before but was open to the idea - so off I go, a bit disappointed to find a normal looking lady in her garden shed, but hey. Long story short - she said a lot of things, I have a dvd of the reading. Everything so far has come to fruition, freaky or what - there is a man who will make overtures towards me, she felt he is from the uk and my reaction will be "goodness no, yuk" WELL- yesterday I received an email from a guy I have known since teens, he was declaring love for me; said he has been in love with me for 30yrs and will be forever!eek - He apologized for not saying anything when I was over in the uk but thought he had more time (how much time did he want, he has had 30yrs ha ha) but I jetted back to NZ before he had a chance to say anything - OMG and YUK and EEK.

So I now have the unenviable task of shattering his world by saying there is no chance - not interested - which I feel terrible about as I know how it feels to be rejected. I really did not need this, his timing was the worst ever lol.

So my lady has been right on everything so far - my reading goes to June 2016 so still have a way to go, she did do a short prediction for further, saying all is fine, I am financially ok and happy, I live in an idyllic place and she did say she knows who with, but I said I don't want to know. Whatever this is, whether there is something to it or not, its nice to have the image of me being ok in the future :o)

Right, just made a chocolate cake - as chocolate cake solves all problems :o)- so going to make some gooey icing for it,as lets face it, if i am going to blast the calorie intake it has to be done to full effect.

((hugs)) to all xx

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