I definitely will keep posting to others threads. I don't feel as if I am a 'vet' by any means and although what I say to do I may not have done in the beginning of my sitch it is what worked. I know it's hard to hear when you're not in a good place but it is what works.
Although my H filed for D and had OW - I didn't learn of OW until a few months post BD. So at that time I was the crying,pleading, writing a 5 page letter W. So unattractive.
When I found out about OW I had already gone pretty dark (well to me). Through the course of the months during his OW time - H initiated communication. I hardly did unless it was kid, bill or house related. I was pretty curt and short with him overall. H could never look at me or be in person with me. The couple times we went to dinner (before I knew of OW) he acted very friendly and chatty. Once I found out about OW I didn't mention Her. As much as I wanted to she wasn't worth it. I didn't want them to know they had the satisfaction of my response (hence her 12000 Instagram and FB photos of them with childish quotes)
Anyway, I started to change over the summer. I really feel like I got the hang of the DB thing Bc I started to really be happy. I was making great money, had a great job, my boys were happy and we were getting used to our new life. Up until the end of May H never had to interact with me in person (his choice). Well once the boys started basketball that changed. He had to see me. So I ised every opportunity I had to show him how happy we were without him. I was dressed nice (not overdone). We were always busy and I never stayed to chat. I did experiment and play basketball afterwards with him and the boys but it was about the kids not about hanging onto time with H.
Anyway at that time I'm not sure if in my threads its reflected but there was a slow change. He was more angry with me through text initially. Then he started reaching out slowly. Slowly he was able to stop by the house, sit next to me at basketball, would send a text checking on my when he heard of a shooting at my work etc. I didn't take any of this (at the time) as him having a change of heart. To me he was so entangled with Ow (mindreading)
The last basketball game I made sure to be dressed up. It was a Friday night and it was S3's last game. Wedges, hair and makeup done and in a hurry after the game. S6 said daddy asked where mommy was going. Haha! I have to totally thank Train for that by the way. Little did he know I was going to a family dinner. He had been seeing me text the last couple weeks before smiling and had previously asked who it was - I just answered a friend (which was a guy I had been talking to from work).
Anyway the first night we went to dinner when he wanted to talk. - he asked about that night. He wanted to know where I went. He said it was driving him crazy thinking that I had someone in my life. He showed up at my house the next day after that basketball game. He hadn't come over when I was home forever. Then a few days later he stopped by again. I also still wasn't thinking anything of any of these things.
He said he wondered what I was doing and knew he had no right to ask but it bothered him. It bothered him to see the boys and I so happy without him. It bothered him seeing photos through friends on my Facebook (I hAd deleted him) of the boys and I having fun. I took the boys on a week vacation alone on our family tradition vacation. At first he said he responding angry bc of course I was faking it. There was no way we were so happy without him, there was no way I was actually happy to not be with him. Then he said as time progressed and he saw that i continued on that way he realized maybe I WAS really happy. He said he really started regretting his decision in June when he had to be around me on a couple days a week basis.
To be honest I don't know what I believe. He was still pretty terrible during that time up until August. I'm on my phone so this may not all make sense as usual but just a little synopsis so you guys don't have to read through my overly emotionally unstable threads lol
For me, it's the opposite: I need to read sitches going in the right direction, otherwise all we read is from people going through the hardest parts. That's why I curate a list of success stories. Thanks for posting and keep telling us when you have good moments.
Edit: Woah, I just saw your summary of your sitch. It's great, thank you so much. I think I'll link the success story to it. Personally, I especially like how you went dark and curt while he was with OW because that's what I'm doing in my sitch and sometimes I have doubts or I just don't know how we'll get out of this. Your sitch is an inspiration.
Last edited by Mozza; 03/20/1511:48 PM.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
I am normally a really strong person that doesn't put up with BS (which is why my boss thinks I should apply for this new management position lol) but after BD I came off as an emotionally weak person so my threads are really difficult for me to read to see the place I was in. I know others advised me at times that my words to H weren't always the best. But I did have a lot of anger so curt was about as nice as I could muster. Trust me - I had many backslides, many moments I wish I could take back and lots of words said that probably shouldn't have.
So when things turned around I'm Not sure if it's because my demeanor changed and because my H, who had been avoiding me, had to start seeing me in person regularly (prior to basketball we saw each other maybe a handful of times in 3 months). Or if the change was his A feelings ended. He told me the reason things ended was bc he started doubting himself and turning into the way he was to me to OW. He said she told him she had enough of him being negative and withdrawn and wanted a break. He said it took them taking a break to realize what he had been doing. Again - his words, who knows what the real truth is.
I actually can picture my H being depressed and negative, what 19 year old wants that around plus divorce baggage. He also got 'in trouble' over summer by her when he stayed at my house for awhile and we had a long R talk and he admitted he was unhappy in his life, Etc. So I took the advice of train and tried to be the OW of OW. I was light and breezy. He messaged me over a weekend about moving and getting new furniture (I have always taken care of everything) and I said oh that sounds like fun. He replied that it wasn't and he was miserable and stressed. I just replied that I'm sure he would figure it out.
Anyway, point being - they notice when you really detach. At least my H did and combine that with his A going sour = quick wake up call.
As far as piecing. He was ready but I wasnt. I wasn't ready to accept what he was giving me. I thought I was but I really wasn't and I was pushing him away more. Don't get me wrong he had his mistakes too but I was still resentful about what happened and too much so to be ready to work on our M. It took going back to MC in January (when I really thought we were heading toward D) to see what happened.
We are both in a much Better place. Are we out of the woods? No but we are heading there. The D is off the table and we are both happy.
I hope everyone gets their own happy ending. Some of those endings are seeing that you can be better off without your spouse too.
Well The Notice of Voluntary dismissal has been signed by H and his attorney just mailed it to mine. I just have to sign and it has to be forwarded to the court before our hearing on the 13th.
TO - I remember reading your sitch a bit this winter and thinking how similar our H sounded in their apathy, lack of effort and what not. Mine is pretty special, an interesting emotional land mine when poked, tends toward some very manipulative behavior.
I am wondering how much I messed up during piecing. Not that it excused his actions. But. When you say you weren't ready, what do you mean?
When did you know your H was really trying? What corner did he have to round, outside of the A ending?
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
Things are going really well. At the hesitation of sounding like a negative nancy, I will tread lightly when I say this...
I struggle with feeling our M is tainted. ITs hard to think some days that I forgave a man that could do such things (I had my faults too). I hope I don't find myself here again. On the chance I do I know I will be much more capable of handling life on my own because I know it can be done.
A couple months ago he was saying he thought he wanted a divorce so this abatement was a big weight on my shoulders because it stressed me out wonderig if he would just carry on with it without telling me (he had me served and never told me he filed). But it was only fear. Once we started going to MC I stopped worrying about the abatement because I realized I had backslided on some of my changes. What would be would be and I would be sad but okay regardless of D or not.
As far as my H, Zelda. He shuts down when he is angry. He doesn't talk or communicate and holds things in which is a huge part of how we got here both before Bd and during piecing. I was resentful and no ready to be full on in this M and accepting of what he was offering because I felt I deserved more from him after, gasp, everything he had done. He had to pay his dues. I was only pushing him away. Rather than telling me that he shut down. Did things he knew would hurt me - working at ex boss's (by the way hasn't been there in 6 weeks).
In his defense he was trying to mske money but I also knew he knew what he was doing going there.
I owe a lot of credit to here and our MC. He is no BS and will call H and I both out no problem. Truthfully I don't know exactly what changed.
We communicate better meaning H talks to me more but I'm more receptive to him vs just short Ya no answers. I make more time for him between the boys and work.
It does. I backslid during our piecing, but I have come to the conclusion the H had some severe emotional issues, always had, and this could not have ended any other way. I became an emotional wreck, not so fun, (detach fail) out of his subtle hints of leaving me again and hurtful behaviors in between the nice stuff. His choice was to end it, cruel and cold as he could be.
It helps me to know that the tainted feeling, the entitled feelings are natural. I would say everything smelled like cat pee that had been cleaned up but hadn't gone away
I will be rooting for you, TO. I am glad your man realized he'd be a fool to leave someone who tried as hard as you have!
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
So happy you are not one of those ladies that get back into a R and then start taking it for granted and empty a jar of painful words on a H because of all his missteps.
You sound really mature, you know the R is very fragile, you know it need nurture and you are doing it. Watering the seed everyday. Fantastic!!!
