Hello im a new member and here is my story: On aug. 20__ I married the love of my life. My soulmate, best friend, my everything. We met each other through my mom. We went out on a first date and it was history after that. We dated for 2 years before we married. We were inseparable, we did everything together. We have 2 kids together, 5 and 2. We opened up our own restaurant over a year ago, It was a dream of his for many years. We sold our cars and our boat and used whatever money we had in our savings and sons savings to open the place up. He is a really hard worker, workaholic, he was a dedicated family man. The bread winner, he did everything to have me stay at home to raise our kids.
2 years ago he was working a bar/club and I just had my baby (postpartum depression). He worked with a whole bunch of pretty girls with short skirts and open tops. My jealousy, insecurities, my suspicions started. I thought he was cheating on me. We would always fight about her and him not working there. I hated him working there, he was gone all day and slowly he would leave late. After he worked there for 6/7 months he quit/got fired. Because of our fights he started hating working there. He was miserable. For 6 months after he quit, he was unemployed. It didn’t get any better but our fights had stopped. Everything was back to semi normal. That’s when he decided he wanted to be his own boss and open his own restaurant. I supported him 100% as always. We never kept secrets from each other.
Our phones were always available for each other. We had the same friends. Sept 2014 things started changing. His phone was attached to his hand/hip. After he closed the restaurant he would be home no later then 1030. Slowly that changed, it started getting later and later. On some nights hed come home and get all kinds of texts and run out of the house saying he needs to go help this guy out. I became suspicious calling him till 4am. Our fights became worse because this time my gut was really telling something is not right. Anytime id get close to his phone he’d become paranoid. I started snooping and one day I found a email saying he had bought a car. He gave me a story that was such b.s. but I believed him. A day after my confrontation, early in the morning I saw a <3 u text, and that’s when [censored] hit the fan, I wanted to know who this person was, I made him call that number and of course it was the girl who answered. She heard me and hung up, sent him a text saying why is your wife on the phone.
By January our relationship was going down the drain and fast. Feb. a week before my bday, he told me he wants a divorce. That he no longer loves me, he fell out of love 2 years ago. Until that moment, I never knew our problem was this big. I didn’t know what was happening. He never seemed depressed to me, I knew he was under a lot of stress at work. That Sunday night I was a mess. I came home with the kids I was crying and I started smoking. His friend followed me home. His friend told me everything. He had introduced him to a girl. It was supposed to be a one night stand but things started getting out of hand. It was once a week, then twice a week then everyday. His friend told me everything that happened in the last 6 months. He was seeing another girl. He was spending all his money and time on her and then tell me he has no money for us (me and the kids).
So starting that Sunday when he told me he wants the divorce, he stopped coming home. I begged and pleaded and wrote letters for him to give us a second chance. How can he just abandon us. His kids, his wife of 8.5 years. I am so broken and so lost. He blames everything on me and my fighting. By the way no one knows there is another girl involved only a few know. No one knows that we’re having problems and are separated, again only a few know.
Three weeks ago, I met a lady who introduced me to divorce busting.com. She has guided me and listened to me vent and cry. I have started following the 37 rules. I don’t ask him questions, I don’t call him, I just take care of me and my kids. When the kids want to speak to him, ill dial the number and give the phone to them. If they want to see him, ill take them to the restaurant and let them play there for an hr. or ill call or text him to come and see the kids at home. Things are getting easier to deal with. Only because I know not to expect things. When I do talk to him, I keep it short and simple. I am giving his space as he requested. I started seeing a therapist once a week and it helps. I have slipped once or twice but I got back on the horse and continued my way. In this whole process, I have gotten closer to god. My faith in him has been stronger then ever. And I leave my journey in gods hands and just take things day by day. I pray every day for my husband and myself. I just want him back!
Me 34 H 33 Married 2006 S5 D2 BD Jan 2015 EA/PA He moved out 2/2/2015 Came back 5/2015 Filed divorce papers 8/21/2015
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Depress, hang in there. Draw closer to God and stick to the steps. It works. Work on making yourself the kind of woman only a fool would leave. You are on the right track.
Has he filed for divorce or has there been any formal movement that direction?
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
So the past few night I have been having really bad anxiety while sleeping. Waking up worried where my h is and then it snaps that he's not here. I told my therapist but she had no response. I think it's time to change my therapist.
Me 34 H 33 Married 2006 S5 D2 BD Jan 2015 EA/PA He moved out 2/2/2015 Came back 5/2015 Filed divorce papers 8/21/2015
This past week has been really hard. He has taken the car from me since he was involved in a accident and totaled his van. So a lot of calling has been required but about our son going to and coming from school. His behavior has been so confusing, he never once asked about our sons school work but the other day he sat down and did his homework with him and he was here till 8pm. Then yesterday he was here again fixing the sprinklers till 9pm. He still lives with the ow (I'm assuimg) so what's really going on in his head? I'm so confused.
Me 34 H 33 Married 2006 S5 D2 BD Jan 2015 EA/PA He moved out 2/2/2015 Came back 5/2015 Filed divorce papers 8/21/2015
Yesterday and today were really hard. He's been acting weird. We don't talk when he comes to visit. It's awkward kinda. I really want him back. I miss us as a family. Today he came for a hour fixed the kids pool and then had to go back to work. I'm doing everything in the Sandy's list. What am I doing wrong?? Any suggestions? Any advice? I'm so depressed...
Me 34 H 33 Married 2006 S5 D2 BD Jan 2015 EA/PA He moved out 2/2/2015 Came back 5/2015 Filed divorce papers 8/21/2015
So sorry you have to be here, but your in the right place to get some help. There are many wonderful people that can give great advice, it can just take time to get noticed. Individuals on here have outside commitments and with so many people posting, threads can easily be pushed back a few pages. Keep posting and eventually you will get some vets attention who can better help with your specific situation.
I'm very new to this as-well but what you need to be focusing on right now is yourself. Your H's affair is like a drug addiction and until OW is out of his life he will be emotionally blocked to you.
Make changes in your life for yourself, not your H. These changes are the ones that will stick. The only thing I can see you are doing wrong right now is thinking you are doing something wrong. You see nothing is happening yet and have expectations that they should be. Try not to have any expectations, especially ones with time frames.
Something I'm learning the hard way is how long this process really does take. Don't expect it to be over in a few days/weeks, it cant take months and even years. Also, you don't want to know whats going on in his head, its likely he doesn't even understand it right now.
You cant control him, only yourself, so work on changing yourself for the time being. The threads linked by Cadet at the beginning of your thread are great resources, try to read them all. The lighthouse story is one of my favorites and helped me through some of my beginning moments of panic and depression.
Its also helpful to look around at others threads and read through them. Many times you can find advice from others that will apply to your situation also.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Hi Fogg, Thanks for replying. I have been making changes but its so hard you know. I finally found a job, haven't started yet, but I think once I am busy with work, I won't have as much time to think about what's going on. I know not to expect things or changes. I wish I had a crystal ball so I can see in the future. lol. Its really hard to go completely dark cause we have 2 kids and they ask for him all day long. I only call him if I really need something for the kids, but if its something I just usually wait to see him in person and then tell him. I really hope it doesn't last years. This is the hardest thing Ive been through...
Me 34 H 33 Married 2006 S5 D2 BD Jan 2015 EA/PA He moved out 2/2/2015 Came back 5/2015 Filed divorce papers 8/21/2015
Hi Fogg, I wish I had a crystal ball so I can see in the future. lol. Its really hard to go completely dark cause we have 2 kids and they ask for him all day long. I only call him if I really need something for the kids, but if its something I just usually wait to see him in person and then tell him. I really hope it doesn't last years. This is the hardest thing I've been through...
I think we all wish we had that crystal ball lol. I hope its not years also, but we have to prepare ourselves that it could be that long, or never. I agree also, this is the hardest thing I have ever gone through, but in many ways its something I needed.
I hate the fact my W may not take the opportunity we have at an amazing future, but I'm thankful for finding myself through this. I had so many issues that I've recently looked at and understand myself now more than ever.
I think a good place to start is understand your role in the breakdown of your M. Its not totally your fault this happened, each of you played a part, but you have to own up and face your own. During this time figure out what you contributed so that if your H comes back you will be better off, and if not you can be in a better position to make your next relationship work. You will be OK no matter what happens, with or without him.
You said he stopped loving you 2 years ago, during the time you fought about the job he worked at. This is not to say that's what happened, but it sounds like there was some resentment that set in. Over time that resentment builds in a person and acts like a cancer to the relationship.
Try to think about how you two interacted, what hes said or complained about in the past. Generally our S gives us hints of whats wrong but we don't realize it as anything but complaining or nagging. (At least I believe this is true for both WAH and WAW.)
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Hey depress, I think this is the hardest thing many of us have been through.
The fact that he is spending more time at your house is a positive. I know how hard it is. Keep following Sandi's rules it does get easier. Make sure you look and smell good and don't mope around or let him see you angry or upset. Also, if you can, don't avoid him, do what you do...cook dinner, play with S2, bake cookies....whatever, maybe something different. OR if he's there ask him if he minds watching the kids for a bit while you "run an errand"....I'm not very good at the 180's but this is good time for you to try some of your own!
Fogg is right tho, this has to be about you! What are you doing for you?
As far as the depression and anxiety the best advice I can give you is go to your Dr. I know for me I really struggled with having to take meds but I'm glad I did. I also was having really bad anxiety attacks, sometimes the breathing just wouldn't work so i got some anti-anxiety medication as well as anti-depressants. I only took the anti-anxiety 3-4 times but it was a big help. Still on the anti-depressants for now. You have to do what you need to do to take care of yourself and your kiddos!
Hang in there!
Me-44 (45) H- 50 (51) M-'96
S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)
BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas) home Oct(sep rooms) (EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed) insists wants D through July 2015 no more talk of D since
Hi cadet I have started taking zoloft but hate the way it's making me feel. Monday I need to call the dr and change my prescription/meds. Im doing lots with the kids but I can't get him out of my mind.
Me 34 H 33 Married 2006 S5 D2 BD Jan 2015 EA/PA He moved out 2/2/2015 Came back 5/2015 Filed divorce papers 8/21/2015
One of my troubles is finding myself. Because I'm so depressed and can't seem to get this off my mind I have self pity parties for 1 all night long. While reading the divorcing remedy book I cry, shower I cry, praying I cry. I can't find myself...
Me 34 H 33 Married 2006 S5 D2 BD Jan 2015 EA/PA He moved out 2/2/2015 Came back 5/2015 Filed divorce papers 8/21/2015
All day I just want to curl up in a corner and cry my heart out. I can't imagine my life without him. Today he didn't come to see the kids, even after my son called and asked him to come home. My heart is hurting so much. Praying and trying to stay positive.
Me 34 H 33 Married 2006 S5 D2 BD Jan 2015 EA/PA He moved out 2/2/2015 Came back 5/2015 Filed divorce papers 8/21/2015
Welcome to the board. You will find that many people here are in the same situation as yours.
I am not a vet, but have been making enough mistakes that finally it all makes more sense to me now.
First, when anyone says to you that it will get better with time, it is really true. It seems for you right now that in your sitch, it will hurt forever... Yes, it will hurt always but not the same way all the time.
With time, you will know how to prioritize your needs, thinking about him won't be the same pain anymore. It will hurt, but in a different way.
The more you improve yourself and look for things to do for yourself, the easier it will get.
It's not a piece of cake when you have kids to take care off. But, as much as it is hard, we can stress enough that you need to find something to do and get yourself busy.
Look at everything...your hair, the way you dress, your weight...start small and look for other stuff too. Go out with friends, even if it is for a cup of coffee.
The crying, depression and anxiety gets better too. That's why everyone will say you need GAL activities. It helps with the anxiety and depression. You are relearning to be you again, it's very hard and will take time, but at the end it is the one thing that will help you to get him back, if ever.
It all seems to be mixed up right now. Try also to understand that your H is also very mixed up. At least he is not ignoring his kids and is helping you around the house.
Calm, be patient, it takes time to adapt to the new life you have. Take good care of yourself and as hard as it may sound, you need to eat and sleep well.
The journey can be a long one. So, have that in your mind that it will take longer then two or three months, this will help you not to think everything needs to be resolved over night.
You can do girl. Believe me, things will ge better, and I can say that time to time it will get really hard to deal with.
Hang in there and keep posting. You will feel much better tomorrow/
Hi pink thanks for replying. I'm sorry your here too. I'm trying so hard to stay positive I watched the video to the secret. So I'm trying to use that method too... I'm really trying to break out of the depression some days are better some days are worse.
Me 34 H 33 Married 2006 S5 D2 BD Jan 2015 EA/PA He moved out 2/2/2015 Came back 5/2015 Filed divorce papers 8/21/2015
Monday I need to call the dr and change my prescription/meds.
Please let us know how this goes.
You get to CONTROL you, so if you want to beat depression then it is up to YOU to do what is best for YOU!
I am not saying it is easy, but I really think that when you get to the other side of this you will be greatful for the chance that you have been given.
So here is a new story that happened last night. I got a random message from some lady who goes to beauty school with the ow. She was saying that the ow introduces him as her husband and that she has two step kids. This lady is friends with one our acquaintances so she asked her what his wife's name was and she was shocked that it wasn't the same name as the ow. This lady also told me that my h pays for all her bills and schooling too. So no wonder he has no money for us. I also found out that he lives with her and her parents and her son. I confronted him and he was so mad. I told him you want a divorce go ahead but do you think you'll get rid of me or you won't see me ever again I said think again. It's still like being married except no sex. I said if you file for divorce your going to have to split everything yes everything even that car you bought her. He was like I know I told you I'm 100 percent here for my kids I said really. And started laughing I said ya right your like only 40% here for them. Your never here when they need you or want you. After that he left. Today he called and asked about the kids. I told him they are still sick but fine. I told him I need my car back. So I went to pick it up and asked him are you coming to see the kids today and he said maybe if I get a car. I said just know that your not hurting me your hurting them. And drove away. .. ahh I'm shaking and can't believe I talked like that to him. It felt GREAT TO BE B....
Me 34 H 33 Married 2006 S5 D2 BD Jan 2015 EA/PA He moved out 2/2/2015 Came back 5/2015 Filed divorce papers 8/21/2015
Good job standing up for yourself. You established your boundary without drama which is VERY hard to do. It's amazing what a WAS will try to get away with.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
From my experience from doing many things that were so wrong, I would say that the beginning of the sitch is very, very hard.
We can't really control the anxiety, depression, nervousness, we are hurt, angry and we want it all go away as fast as yesterday.
But, it does not go away, and it does not get resolved very fast. So, for each time you need to do or say something, take some time to think what you will accomplish with it, what are your goal doing something versus something else.
I also know it is easy to try your best to show up, but in a long run it does not help the situation all the time.
I made many mistakes when there were a lot of good advice to just let go and detach. Think and do things for yourself and your kids.
Believe me, I just hurt myself this way. Today, I am really thinking about enriching my life, take vacations with my kids and let my H do whatever he wants to do.
I want my space and my time to use it to take care after myself and become a person I admire and love.
In my sitch it became a pattern. every time I would let go, my H came crying, saying how much he loves me, then I would give in, make love, kiss, hug. After a nice time together, he would go again.
Finally I learned my lesson, and I know now that the only chance I have to recover my M is if I became stronger, happier and independent. The thing is, that as it gets better and I feel better, less I think I am dying without him.
It's not easy, but it get easier. You are the most important person for you, then comes your kids.
Hang in there, be patient and try to learn as much as you can.
This no doubt has been he hardest thing I have ever gone through. I am doing everything from taking the kids out to me time. I'm getting better. Slowly tho. The other day I might has opened his eyes a little wider. When I told him I need a schedule for him to go and come he didn't like that idea very much. He quickly started calling to see how the kids were doing. I am trying so hard to let go. I am working on detaching from him. From depending on him. It's really hard. But I know it's for the best.
Me 34 H 33 Married 2006 S5 D2 BD Jan 2015 EA/PA He moved out 2/2/2015 Came back 5/2015 Filed divorce papers 8/21/2015
Depress honey, don't be so hard on yourself right now. It takes time, it takes a lot of work.
When you think you are doing better, then it suddenly hits you hard. Memories, toughs that comes to you, important dates. Don't let yourself go into crazy mode. Take one day at a time.
Sometimes, if it's better to keep quite and feel a little sad, then give the space to be like that too.
Believe me, it's very hard. Not only because of the separation, but you are hurt too. So be gentle with yourself.
With time, things start going into place, you start thinking a little more clear and start thinking about what you do that works better and what does not work.
Try to be calm, don't react to everything, instead think of how you can behave in front of your H. Remember who was the person that he fell in love in the first place.
Once he start seeing you stronger, he will start thinking too. But this will take time, even more then you would like. It's not a sprint, it's a marathon.
Start slow, plan some schedule that works for you and the kids. Get help from some close friends. Speak with a few people that you trust, so you will not feel like exploding.
It will be hard, but if you are here is because you are a strong person that is decided to work hard for your M. You have strong values, you are worthy.
Take easy and be patient with yourself. Avoid big fights with your H. Try to agree on things for the kids. It's very important that they have a normal life and it can be right now.
It's tough job. You need to be strong for yourself and for your kids, you need to protect them now.
You can do it, just go easy and be consistent.
Take care. Did you change the meds? Try to start with small dosages and see if you can control yourself. Drugs are good at this time, but high dosages will interfere in your normal self.
Yesterday I played with him. I acted like there was another guy in my life and he got so mad. He ended up looking at the phone records and got the number I was pretending to play with and he kept calling. At around 10 he came home all mad and he was acting like he was gonna go and find him. I told him why do you care what I do. You left me. Your the one who wanted a divorce. I asked what did I do so wrong he did this to us. He Said I Didn't Trust him. I said you gave me reasons not to trust you and this is the results I got. I told him I missed him and I just want my life back and he said I'm with you on that. After he left he called me. He said that he still loved me and that he's going to find his way back home. We both were crying and I told him don't tell me you love me if you don't mean it. He said he does.. I told him hurry home were waiting for you. I told him that there isn't another guy. I don't want my kids to have another dad and hes their dad. He said I'll make sure of that. And we hung up. Today we hardly spoke. He came and hung out with the kids for a few and left.
Me 34 H 33 Married 2006 S5 D2 BD Jan 2015 EA/PA He moved out 2/2/2015 Came back 5/2015 Filed divorce papers 8/21/2015
Thanks Pink for your advise and your support. i am here for you too. i just dont know how to go on other ppls posts and comment on their thread. sorry. im still new and learning.
Me 34 H 33 Married 2006 S5 D2 BD Jan 2015 EA/PA He moved out 2/2/2015 Came back 5/2015 Filed divorce papers 8/21/2015
The first post on each thread is on page one of that thread. But those of us who've been here longer have multiple threads, so you click on that persons username to see what threads they've created. Then you have to go backwards by date to find the first thread they ever started. Who are you looking for?
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Depress, I know it might not seem like it right now but it really does get better. In mid/late January I was a complete wreck. I lost almost 40 lbs that first month because I couldn't eat, sleep, or function at all. I just cried all day and was basically suicidal.
I remember one night very vividly laying on the couch with tears flowing down my face praying to God to just let me die. It's not that I wanted to die, I just didn't want to live anymore.
Now I'm in such a better state I don't even recognize myself. Give yourself some time and it will get easier. You will become stronger and stronger as times goes on and you survive each day. The pain is still there up but it begins to be overshadowed by your strength.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Depress, go slow, you want your H back and he could see the your game about another man in the picture. You end up showing all your desperation. And then you talk on the phone and he can see that you are begging him to came back home, to you.
I know you want to say all this, and you want this to be true. But please, be careful. And don't make it worse and push him away from you.
It took me a long time to understand that I should to let go in order to have some chance my H may come back home.
My H tells me he loves me, he can't leave without me and when we are together we hug, kiss and make a very beautiful love. Then he leaves, keep himself away for awhile and after about two weeks he comes back and I give in, the whole cycle start all over.
In the same time he says he loves me, he is also still seeing his OW. Now, after breaking my heart and disrupting my life for so many times, I decided that I need to enforce my boundaries and do not give in again.
H will taste some distance from me, he needs to think that I am moving on with my life. I won't let him see my tears, my sadness, my desire to see him coming back. All what he will see is that I am dialing with my life and he is not the center of it.
Be patient and try to see things the way they really are. It's one day at a time. Give your H some space, you want him back when he is ready to come back.
Hi Depress, Just read through your thread. I know how hard this is for you. I am pretty much on my own 60% of the time with two small children. Take care of yourself, take time for yourself, try to focus on the kids and having fun with them. Be facetious, as my sister likes to say--indoor picnics, impromptu parties/playdates, movie nights, games--anything to get your mind off of the situation at hand and create a fun, loving, stable environment for your kids. Your husband isn't there right now. You are the stable adult in their lives and the person they are looking to for comfort and security. Embrace that role and do all the things you might not have been able to do when your H was there. Find a fun TV show you've always wanted to watch and binge your heart out after the kids are in bed. Trust me, it sounds lame but it's a great distraction from all of this! And GAL your heart out too--not for him, but for you.
On the zoloft--STICK WITH IT, please! You have to give the medicine time to kick in. A few years before BD, after having my first daughter, I was given zoloft and I hated the way it made me feel too. I was like, really? I'm getting up with a baby at night and taking a drug that's making me feel more tired? Nope! And I stupidly quit taking it. Then my depression got worse and worse and after my second daughter was born I went on it again and stuck with the 6-8 week adjustment period and boom! I felt better than I had in years. I felt AWESOME! More energy even too, which I didn't expect! Unfortunately by then it was too late and my husband had had it with the depression and was done, but I still think zoloft is a miracle drug. If it does end up not working for you though, try something else, but you have to give meds a "break-in" period and not give up on them too quickly.
Please hang in there and keep posting (I'm terrible myself about posting). Love those kids and let them know you're there for them no matter what and enjoy them. I hate this situation but I do love my kids and I'll be darned if my H's leaving is going to make me miss out on these precious, fleeting years with them!!! Took me quite a while to get to this point!
Stay strong, Lorelai
Me: 38 H: 43 Kids: 2,4 T10 M6 BD: 1/14 11/14: H moves out
Ugh pink how come this happens. Why do these men go mess up on their family and then want to come back but in the mean time torture is... I just want him back. I'm teying so hard to stay focused on dbing and staying dark. We haven't made love in 2 months already. I miss him so much. ..
Me 34 H 33 Married 2006 S5 D2 BD Jan 2015 EA/PA He moved out 2/2/2015 Came back 5/2015 Filed divorce papers 8/21/2015
Hi Lorelai, I read your thread too. im sorry your here too. my husband and i were inseparable. i mean nothing could have stopped us from seeing each other and now he acts like he doesn't care. everyday when he comes over to see the kids and leaves i break down and cry. how can this happen. i just want my life back my best friend back. i miss him so much and the pain isnt getting any lighter. i stopped taking the meds. i just hated the feeling. but i will retry it since more ppl have told me it works give it time. i have been reading the book divorce remedy. ive been going dark, only call or text if its about the kids. when i go out i just want to come home. i dont want to leave my shell. i hate going out cause i see other families together and it hurts more..
Me 34 H 33 Married 2006 S5 D2 BD Jan 2015 EA/PA He moved out 2/2/2015 Came back 5/2015 Filed divorce papers 8/21/2015
tonight has been so tough. i have been crying for at least 2 hrs. i dont know what happened to me tonight. i just keep praying he'll come home soon. Heavenly Father, I come before you today with a heavy heart; my marriage is in trouble, and I need your help. Make changes in my spouse's heart. Make us compatible again, and bring us closer together. Fill us with your love and give us the strength to love one another, care for one another, and fulfill your destiny for us.
Show us the harm caused by careless words, and the pain caused by emotional distance. Bring us together, like we once were. Show us how to love one another again.
Heal the division between us. Make us one again.
In your name I pray, Amen.
Me 34 H 33 Married 2006 S5 D2 BD Jan 2015 EA/PA He moved out 2/2/2015 Came back 5/2015 Filed divorce papers 8/21/2015
Depress, I'm so sorry you are in such pain right now. This is one of the hardest things that can happen to anyone. But I'm going to offer some tough love okay?
The important thing to remember - and this really is crucial - is that your own health and your relationship with yourself are more important than your relationship with your H.
Reading your threads, and your state of mind at the moment, I'm concerned that you're focusing entirely on reconciliation as the answer to your current distress.
But actually, you have some work to do first. And the work that you need to do is that which gets you to a steadier and happier place within yourself, regardless of what your H is doing. Now is the time to start pulling yourself up painfully by the bootstraps and seeking help and support to improve your own health and resilience.
MWD talks about us turning into 'blobs' of despair and unhappiness, and this is what you sound like right now. I'm so sorry if this sounds unkind - I don't intend that. But it isn't going to attract your H back IHMO.
So, let's put your H to one side and see your plans for getting yourself to a better place, despite the current situation. Let's see some action from you as well as the prayers. Changing your poster name might be a good start BTW.....
(((Depress)))
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Depress, my counselor asked me a question a session or two after my W stopped going. The thought has been in my mind since and while I don't like it at times, who am I to say it isn't true. I'm going to ask you the same.
How do you know this isn't God's plan for you and H right now?
You have been given an opportunity to make some great changes in your lives through this hardship. God may be presenting you this chance because he wants you to become more than you are now. We may not see the path, like the path, or even want this path. However, we might NEED this path for us. Until we take it and see it to the end we don't know what will come of it.
Keep an open mind, if you focus on yourself and make changes you will be happier no matter what. Yes, that may be without H, but maybe it will be. Who's to say our paths don't snake around and meet back up in the future that you can't see because your resisting so much. Don't fight so hard to what you can't control. Control the parts you can (yourself) and let God take care of the rest.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Depress, I truly understand what you are going through, I was there too.
Somebody posted this to me when I was at the beginning of all of this. It helped me, I hope it will help you.
"lost, I can totally empathize with how you are feeling. I had a lot of trouble eating, sleeping, doing anything for those first few weeks.
Let me tell you something that helped me tremendously.
I realized that nobody was coming to save me.
Lost, YOU have to save YOURSELF.
STOP accepting the role of victim.
You said yourself, you have been isolated for too long. Change that. Go out and do things. I don't care what they are. Even if you just go to Starbucks and sit amongst other living beings, even if you don't talk to them.
PLEASE exercise. Force yourself. There were days when I wondered if I would pass out exercising bc I was so tired and so emotionally exhausted. And guess what? I never did, and I felt better afterward.
Are you going to immediately feel all better? No. It doesn't work that way. But as you get into the habit of doing things for yourself, you will start to notice that, bit by bit, you are feeling better.
YOU CAN DO THIS."
Trust me when I say I know how hard this is, but you have to take care of yourself and your kids.
((()))
Me-44 (45) H- 50 (51) M-'96
S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)
BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas) home Oct(sep rooms) (EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed) insists wants D through July 2015 no more talk of D since
I always think about that too. Is this what it's meant to be right now. I am changing my self or at least trying. I have from where I was a month ago to now. I have been doing better...
Me 34 H 33 Married 2006 S5 D2 BD Jan 2015 EA/PA He moved out 2/2/2015 Came back 5/2015 Filed divorce papers 8/21/2015
So on my way home from the in laws. He asked me to stop by so he can kiss the kids good night So I did. We talked about tomorrow and how he's stuck by the grill how it's gonna be a mad house tomorrow. He asked if I needed anything I said no. I said do yiu need anything for tomorrow he said they should be ok. So I said ok good night. And we both hesitated to go our separate ways. He stopped behind my car and I stopped at the door of my car and looked at him and he was just looking down I got into my car and started rolling backwards he then went and got this vase of flowers sitting there and said take these home. I said thank you they are pretty amd he smiled and closed the passenger door. Awww I slowly drove away and he was just watching. I'm not reading way into it BUTTTTTT he could have easily taken them to her. I never mentioned oh those flowers are pretty or anything. Nothing I don't think he knew I had seen them. I just thought oh he's probably going to take them to her
Me 34 H 33 Married 2006 S5 D2 BD Jan 2015 EA/PA He moved out 2/2/2015 Came back 5/2015 Filed divorce papers 8/21/2015
Today I feel betrayed and decieved. I snopped and saw things I didn't like. I thought we were making progress but I was so wrong. I really want to say something to him but I was advised to really carefully think about what to say and to even write it down. I'm hurt all over again...
Me 34 H 33 Married 2006 S5 D2 BD Jan 2015 EA/PA He moved out 2/2/2015 Came back 5/2015 Filed divorce papers 8/21/2015
Snooping is a hard lesson to learn. No matter what it only leads to adding to your pain. See something good, and it likely means nothing. See something bad and it just hurts you more. Trust me, just resist it all you can, nothing good can come from it, nothing.
Sorry you found something you didn't like, I can understand the pain. Please try and take care of yourself and resist those expectations also.
Last edited by Fogg; 04/06/1510:26 PM.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
I am sorry to see you are here. This is a long journey, believe me I know. You will run into some kind folks here on this Board. Listen to the vets. DB'ing feels counter intuititive and I don't know if it will save your marriage but it will greatly help you and get your self esteem back. That is key to you moving forward and improving your life and who knows, maybe showing your H how fabulous you really are.
Heads up kiddo! I am rooting for you. Please eat and exercise, again, this will be a long ride.
I am so sorry you are here, but this is the best place to be, for a lousy reason...
You said you read the "rules" (which are just guides, and only some apply at times) but you are not actually following many of them I'm afraid.
The biggest one is to NOT show your neediness. It is probably real but it's NOT attractive and the thing is, here,
we advise doing what works in the situation and NOT what does Not work even when it seems counter intuitive.
Know what I mean? DBing will improve your life and your relationship to your h.
I don't know if he'll come back AND if the marriage can be saved. But I tried many different approaches and can say one thing confidently: this is the most likely way to save things.
Start with saving yourself however. Your impatience with the situation AND with your medications is indicative of something. Think about it and consider working on that trait, okay?
The best news you can get from a therapist or counselor is that YOU Have issues to work on. B/c if the counselors tell you that you are a perfect wife and made no mistakes, then you would be powerless to change this. You would literally have nothing "to do" to help the situation.
So yes you WANT to know what to work on, inside you.
Time to dig deep and grow as a woman and become a woman only a fool would leave. If your h were here, what would HE SAY the marital issues were? What do YOU want to change in yourself?
Not to "get him back" - But to become the best woman you can become?
Originally Posted By: depress
Hi Lorelai, I read your thread too. im sorry your here too. my husband and i were inseparable. i mean nothing could have stopped us from seeing each other and now he acts like he doesn't care. I don't get that^^ from him. I get that he feels confused, and better about himself around the OW, and feels crappy around you. As justified as that probably is, it won't get him home. You want him to second guess his perceptions of you so that he second guesses his choice to leave.
No one comes home AND stays, because of shame. So the guilting him will usually backfire b/c it converts into resentment AT the "cause" of the shame or guilt, which will be YOU unfortunately. MY DB coach said to do some things that were NOT EASY, but they DID WORK.
1) applaud loudly for the 1% of positives he does;
2) Lose the anger, in front of him (meaning, do NOT show him your anger, no matter how provoked you feel. Calm at all costs, absent a life threatening matter).
3) Detach, which requires that you --
4) GAL and I mean, for real. Surely there are some things you missed doing once you had kids or always wanted to do. Take up a hobby or class, JOIN something, volunteer, explore, and do this at least weekly.
It'll make you into a more interesting happy person AND you will meet new people who do not all know your situation and you will obese far LESS B/C your mind will be occupied with the new interesting activity and that will be an attracting trait in you.
5) counter his negative images of you with new positives so he begins to see that his "Data" about you is not valid; it's not real. You are a new, improved woman who is far more like the woman he fell in love with. (EX if he said you are 'always late" then you'd become "Ms Punctual" and you'd arrive on time or early for everything).
IF & WHEN he comes home, there will be things YOU need to do ---like never throw the affair in his face, or hold it over his head. IF he fears that, he won't return. The angrier you are around him. the less likely he'll be to return even if things with OW do not pan out.
So you need to show him that you two could get past this. OF course if the time comes, there will be things he needs to do to get the trust back from you but it goes both ways. And you are not there yet so we don't need to borrow trouble from tomorrow.
Make sense? Finally, you do need to see a lawyer asap. The spending of marital assets is harmful to you and the kids.
FYI My h's ordeal cost us 6 figures, and we are in our 50's now and that really stinks. We have our youngest off to college soon, and it would have been nice to pay for it out of pocket from an account that wasn't emptied. Eventually I filed for a legal sep in my state to protect the home from being mortgaged for h to "invest" with his heroes in Alaska. I promise you I am not bitter about it - but I am wiser now. And passing that on, to you.
You need DO nothing but get information at this point but knowledge is power. I found that knowing my rights just made me feel less terrified and that helped my interactions with him b/c some of our anger is really just fear of being on the streets. Even when it is irrational, it's real.
If your h is really spending that much money on OW (hard to believe everything the 3rd party told you mostly b/c it's very unusual for a man to move into OW's PARENT's home and yet be spending a lot on her and not on his own family.)
But if that is true, YOU have to protect your children until he is awakened by the law or his senses, etc. You can do this without anger. It's just business. Let the lawyer handle that stuff bc it's NOT your job to do that. Keep the financial and legal separate from your interactions with him.
everyday when he comes over to see the kids and leaves i break down and cry. how can this happen. i just want my life back my best friend back. i miss him so much and the pain isn't getting any lighter. i stopped taking the meds. i just hated the feeling. but i will retry it since more ppl have told me it works give it time. Your impatience with the meds is something to work on. It MIGHT not be the right one for you but you won't know til you have given them 4-6 weeks. Stopping before then and then asking why you don't feel better, isn't fair to the meds or to you. Same for this DB program.
Apply ONE approach to your marital crisis so you don't muddle them. If DBing is not for you, then fine.
But I see a lot of folks spinning in circles doing abut 3-4 conflicting approaches that make them look nutty and inconsistent - and then they get upset and say "Nothing is working!!" when in reality - they have tried nothing, well.
Know what I mean?
This marriage crisis is the hardest thing you've ever gone through and i know what you mean. But you will have to imagine the most patience you have ever had with something (Potty training? Algebra??) and then
multiply it by 100...same for your timeline. Check my timeline and prepare for the long haul. This is a marathon, not a sprint.
You seem to think this will get fixed and your life will "come back" in a few weeks or months and you question why why why why WHY he is doing this. (I wasted a year of my life asking that, and it's a year I'll never get back). AND
That question has no "satisfying" answer!!
Work on you - b/c you are the only person in this situation that you control.
When you fully grasp this^^^, it'll be a life changing moment for you. There will be no more attempts to control him.
You may need to release him to his "mission" b/c honey, you are not really holding onto him anyhow.
Make sense?
have been reading the book divorce remedy. I've been going dark, only call or text if its about the kids. when i go out i just want to come home. i dont want to leave my shell. i hate going out cause i see other families together and it hurts more..
I'll make some suggestions about GAL a bit later. Take in what people are telling you.
Seriously...listen, read, and process this. Dig Deep.
Stop focusing on your pain and focus on what you CAN DO.
I've been there. It gets better. When? When you make it better.
And trust me when I say that the news that this is ultimately up to you
is wonderful news. He may not come back. But if he died, would you lay down forever in the fetal position?
FINAL SUGGESTION....an exercise for you to do. Please give this a try. 5 minutes.
Imagine he had died and a few years had passed. The years had passed, and your pain had eased & your life was a fulfilling one. So you are without him * but you are happy....what would that look like?
Would you move? Where? What type of job would you have? OR would you go back to school first? And study what?
Imagine your new/old hobbies that you are involved in.
What are they? Do you travel much? Are you different than now? How so? Calmer or more focussed? More organized? Less rigid?
Okay so, your h is gone and you are happy... what of those things can you do NOW?
Your pain is real & deep, but it's not fatal and it's not eternal. It gets better.
I promise.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Today I feel betrayed and decieved. That ^^is not really new (the A was a deception and you knew you had been betrayed already)
so there's no point in picking the scab to find new sources of pain. You knew he'd had an affair and was still in one...
If you are not at a point where he's trying to come home (and thus you may want verification of his promises) And if you are not filing for divorce using adultery as grounds (hard to do and most states are no fault)
then what purpose is there in snooping? I have never seen snooping help a situation and that's probably why the DB books are against it. I understand the temptation but it's not healthy or good for you and it really is time for you to take some of the advice you get.
I snopped and saw things I didn't like. I thought we were making progress but I was so wrong. You were having expectations and those will get you most every time. Don't let yourself expect anything from him for now.
To emphasize that point some more I'll repeat it. Don't let yourself expect anything form him for now. You're setting yourself up for disappointment now.
Sandi writes about wives who stray but a lot of it applies to men who stray. They don't see your neediness and pain as something they want to be around.
Read those 37 (40?) points again.
I really want to say something to him but I was advised to really carefully think about what to say and to even write it down. I'm hurt all over again...
what purpose is there is confronting him when he's not trying to come home now?
You think he'll want to come home MORE if you confront him? Think again
The time for addressing those disturbing discoveries will come LATER...meanwhile
what are you doing to GAL? .
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
For GAL suggestions, let me mention some of what I did when we lived in the interior of Alaska, even in the winter. And I had 3 kids including a baby (so you know I don't want to hear about how 'busy' you are, or 'too busy' to GAL). Inertia is the greatest enemy to GAL. Overcome that, & you'll be well on your way to a happier more fulfilling life. IMO, the more you overcome inertia, the better your R's will be with all people, including your w.
I volunteered at a battered women's shelter.
I coached a girl's softball team, two summers (my older D was on it). I was on the board of directors for Wrestling, (b/c our son wrestled). I auditioned for community theater and met some fun creative people. I got cast, too.
I did stand up comedy (and yes, I still do it). I did a whole set once on a MLCs at the Improv. It went very well.
I learned to cross country ski, became a better shooter.
I Learned to hunt big game, to deep sea fish, & I got better at downhill skiing.
I learned to use a snowmobile ("snow machine" to Alaskans) I loved riding.
Learned to fly a plane, and I got a pilot's license.
Went skydiving. Loved it so much I did it again. And plan on doing it again, soon!
Edited a book. (The book ended up on the Best Seller's List. Who knew?)
I Worked out 3-4 times a week, and I really did get in excellent shape. Looking good made a world of difference to me. Found a work out partner and began socializing after the work outs.
(Plus I'd just had our last child and needed to lose the baby weight. It was not easy to do, let alone in the dark, deathly cold of their long LONG winters).
In the winter, I used a tanning booth, which helped me a lot with depression. I felt more energized, and it probably helped my appearance, which also helps us FEEL better.
Saw a therapist and for some months, went on ADs.
Took a pottery class (very odd for me to do, but I liked it a lot).
Joined the Officer's Wives club after 15 years of active duty.
(Wish I had joined sooner! Met two women who are life long friends to this day.)
Joined a writer's group Took a class in Conversational French Took a class in Italian cooking
There is more, but I just wanted to suggest to you a few things you can do that do not cost a lot. Other than pilot training, most of these ^^ activities were free, or quite cheap.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Today I feel betrayed and decieved. I snopped and saw things I didn't like. I thought we were making progress but I was so wrong. I really want to say something to him but I was advised to really carefully think about what to say and to even write it down. I'm hurt all over again...
In case you don't hear this enough, it does get better. The pain isn't forgotten but it gets absorbed and then a lot of it (not all) dissipates,
and if the marriage resumes, forgiveness will need to be asked for from both sides and given freely when asked.
It's not = to saying "I now trust you 100%" but it is vital to begin the process of healing. You can be happy again, with or without h. Your pain won't be eternal IF you don't want it to be. (Someday that will make more sense to you than it does now).
When I faced the painful reality that my pain & anger were consuming ME
and it was making me Less available to my kids,
b/c I was just so preoccupied with it -
I HAD to release the anger. Not for my h! For me and for my kids.
Make sense?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Time to act like nothing he does bothers you and definitely GAL. Think of something you haven't done in a long time and go do it. For me it was dancing last weekend. I was so nervous and headed to the dance club I felt like everything was wrong and I just needed to turn around and go back home and wallow in pity some more. Instead, I met my girlfriend there (probably the main reason I didn't turn around is cause she was meeting me there). She could tell that I was nervous and not relaxing so she bought me a fireball (tastes like a red hot). Helped me to relax and the next thing I know, I'm laughing, dancing, telling jokes, and having a great time. The next day I was in such a great mood that I accepted an invite over to a friends house for an Easter BBQ and that time I wasn't so nervous. I talked, laughed, watched the basketball game (even though I have no clue) and truly enjoyed myself. And the kids, had a blast too at the BBQ. We had an Easter egg hunt and everything was just great. I truly enjoyed myself and it really changed my perspective.
Who wants a mopey down in the dumps kind of person. If you want your man back then you have to start making yourself happy. Happiness comes from doing the things you enjoy and for me that is being social which I had not done in years! Married for over 12 years not once in all those years did I have a girls night out and the last time we went to a BBQ was somewhere back in like 2008 maybe 2009!!!! I'm a social, active, outgoing person but somewhere along the way, I just stopped being ME and instead tried to do everything he wanted and nothing I wanted.
I signed up for this social club this week and I'm currently planning my next outing around when the kids visit him. I can't decide if it will be horseback riding, salsa dancing, mystery dinner theatre, rock climbing, bowling, etc... Just anything but stare at these four walls either at work or at home. I'm not interested in meeting another guy but I am interested in meeting new friends who enjoy doing what I like doing and since I made that decision it has made me happier.
And to top it off I know the husband is noticing. He called me at 4:30 am this morning asked me how I was doing... Yes, he has always been an early morning person but to me that was progress from the man who spent the last two months avoiding me like the plague, filing for divorce, and me relentlessly pursuing to get him to come back. Now just one week after the BD, he calls me at 4:30 AM!!!! And asks how I am doing... Maybe it is progress maybe it isn't. I don't know but I know I'm not going to sit in limbo and see what happens. Maybe he figures it out before the divorce is final and maybe he doesn't. But I'm not going to stop living waiting for him to make that decision.
I waited years for some sort of sign from him that I should do more for him and that failed epically. I should have made the first move a long time ago. BUT in all honest if you are reading DB book and the 7 Steps book then you need to skip to the chapter on ensnaring a WAS... And then start doing it. I am, and I am already feeling much happier in just a week.
So like Nike says... Just do it! Let it go and see if he comes back. If he doesn't then it wasn't you that had a problem it was your spouse for not being able to see the person they married still existed even after all these years.
So I read everything a few times. Just to start off I finally found a job and start monday. I'm excited and nervous it's been 5 yrs since I worked. I think this will help me a lot by distracting myself with work and not thinking of him or the situation. I have been hanging out with friends more often then I did before. I truly am working on myself and finding my inner happiness. Yes I'm hurting that he's still not back and I've accepted that I need to work on myself. I have improved from where I was a month ago. I have set up new small goals to begin and would love to reach those goals. I have stopped snooping. And I never confronted him about the stuff I saw. I just kinda let it go. I do appreciate all the little positives I see. He hugged me the other day and said he missed me and that he'll come home soon. Whatever it meant I appriciated it. I thanked him for all his doings around the house and taking us to costco which he hadn't gone shopping with us in a long time. He has been giving me more money lately so I don't have anything to complain about. The only thing is that he's not home yet. But baby steps and where we are now is awesome and I will continue to doing what I have learned and it really does help me become my old self but 10xs better.
Me 34 H 33 Married 2006 S5 D2 BD Jan 2015 EA/PA He moved out 2/2/2015 Came back 5/2015 Filed divorce papers 8/21/2015
You are very lucky to get so much attention from 25, she is amazing and did it all.
She is giving you very good advice, she made the mistakes we all do when we start on this road and she made it right for herself.
So, I can say I am very proud of you... for listening to people that have been there, for trying hard to follow some of the advices the vets are giving you, and follow some you are learning on the DB books.
No one here will ever say that you just do it. Everyone here knows how hard it is, how painful it is to go through the S, D, dealing with kids and all our emotional turmoil.
But one thing you will always hear... the encouragement to become a better person with or without your H, to improve yourself, to treat yourself with gentleness and respect.
It seems you are doing it already. Don't worry if you have good days and everything you planned happen and then you have a bad day and it feels you went backwards. Don't punish yourself, it is just normal. It's time that make it easier, it's time that gives you new perspectives, it's time that makes you see the situation a little more clear.
Keep posting... sharing is a powerful weapon against feeling defeated, hopeless. We will always help each other.
Hi pink. I'm so great full for all of you helping me. I don't know how I where I would be if it wasn't for you all and the friends who have been supporting me.
Last edited by depress; 04/13/1505:17 AM.
Me 34 H 33 Married 2006 S5 D2 BD Jan 2015 EA/PA He moved out 2/2/2015 Came back 5/2015 Filed divorce papers 8/21/2015
This week has been so crazy. I don't know what happened and how he realized that he needs to be home and not fathering someone else's kid and not being a husband to someone else. He told me this week he's ready to come home and work on our marriage. He has been crying and praying for this big mess to be over. He says he misses the kids and me. He was in a dark place but he's almost ready to come home. He says he just needs more time to completely be free of the ow. He says that she's not the one for him and he doesn't want the kid to think of him as his dad. I have so much to say I just don't know if I should write it all. But the short version is he's says he wants to come home. He's changed her name from his phone to her name and not baby anymore. He has been showing me the messages she sends which before he didn't. So much going on.
Me 34 H 33 Married 2006 S5 D2 BD Jan 2015 EA/PA He moved out 2/2/2015 Came back 5/2015 Filed divorce papers 8/21/2015
Hi Depress, I'm pleased to hear that things may be turning with your sitch. My advice would be to be very clear about the terms on which this can happen. What are your deal breakers here? Normally, people suggest:
NC with OW (this includes a NC letter) Full transparency MC if that's what you want
What rings alarm bells with me is 'he just needs more time to be completely free of the OW.' If that means seeing her, that's a big no IMHO. If he wants to be free of her and home again, his actions (NC) need to reinforce that.
Please don't make coming home too easy for him. If he wants to be back with you and his family, there is some heavy lifting for him to do here.
It's good that he misses you all, and feels almost ready to be home though....pleased for you.
T :-)
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
He's playing this emotional roller coaster with me. Today he's been so off. I thought he was wanted to come home now he's saying he doesn't know what he wants. Is this normal? Everything he told me the last three days seems like he was lying. What now?
Me 34 H 33 Married 2006 S5 D2 BD Jan 2015 EA/PA He moved out 2/2/2015 Came back 5/2015 Filed divorce papers 8/21/2015
"I thought he was wanted to come home now he's saying he doesn't know what he wants. Is this normal?"
Yes.
"Everything he told me the last three days seems like he was lying. "
No he wasn't lying, but you have to understand that when people go into the beginning stages of "potentially" reconciling, the WAS will go through several false starts. They will say one thing, one day and then the opposite the next.
That's why they say to believe none of what they SAY and only HALF of what they DO.
You have to be strong enough to weather through the BS that you're going to have to face.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Depress, don't jump the gun. That is a positive but that doesn't mean it is ok for you to stop working on you. You should still be using the Sandi's rules as a guideline and listen to the advice others are giving you, especially the vets. You have a long haul with lots of work to do if he truly does want to come home. Your situation reminds me a little of TO34s, if you haven't read her threads you should.
(())
Me-44 (45) H- 50 (51) M-'96
S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)
BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas) home Oct(sep rooms) (EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed) insists wants D through July 2015 no more talk of D since
I heard here that if we think that going through S and a possible D is difficult, then we will give up once we face all the pain of reconciling.
It's hard work, and it is such fragile situation that you may feel like walking on eggs all the time. The best will be to take it easy and do not jump into the R so fast.
By other hand, it's also so exciting that he wants to work on the M, there is hope depress, and that is very important and very promising. Have some fun too, maybe you guys can date, dress nice and charming and relax a little bit.
Praying for you and your M. Easy now, everything will be OK.
oh pink im back to square one. i jumped in on the r to fast and the ow pulled him back in. i thought he wanted to come back. he seemed so sure of it too. and now hes back with her. i dont know what to do. i went dark again today i havent called or texted him. im so heartbroken again.
Me 34 H 33 Married 2006 S5 D2 BD Jan 2015 EA/PA He moved out 2/2/2015 Came back 5/2015 Filed divorce papers 8/21/2015
Hi Depress...I do feel for you...I'm sorry I don't have much to offer but a my warm kind thoughts. Please hang in there! I'm sure there is a vet or two who can offer the right advice. I just wanted you to know that I'm so cheering for ya! You got this even though it may not feel like it...jellyb x
Take a deep breath, unfortunately he is involved with OW and is now tangled between his M and his adventure. I have been learning to take care after myself and let go of all the craziness that comes from my H.
The Yo-Yo of emotions, the roller coaster of indecision, it will drain all your energy and you go nowhere.
It's time to retrieve and take a good view of what is going on, what has happened and what need to happen. You can't control his actions, reactions, decisions. You can't control what he feels and what is happening to him.
The only one you can control is yourself and your life. So, it;s time you need to make the most for yourself. Start looking for things you can do that will take your main focus from your H. You will feel better and it will give you the strength you need to fight for your M.
As you know, there is no guarantees that there will be any R, but you will at least know that you tried it all. By other hand, you also know that your H is very confused, he got lost and for sure is having and will have a hard time dealing with his guilty, shame. It will haunt him until he comes to his senses.
That you need to lose all your hope? NO. You can hope that some time in the future you can find that love again and be happy together. That you need to just have hope and sit around moping? NO. You need to became attractive, beautiful, interesting, mysterious. You need to develop a life on your own.
Read the stories here and start learning that you don't want to pursue, be needy, go after him as he was the main reason for your life. Time makes us stronger, time will teach you to give yourself value and allow you to learn to put yourself first.
I know it is the hardest thing you will ever do. It hurts, and then hurt a little more. But it is the only way. You will need to became a woman only a fool will leave. You will analyse the situation and stop going on cheeseless tunnels.
Start by telling us what you are doing for yourself. Are you taking any antidepressant to easy the shaking, the constant pain, anxiety, depression? Do you exercise frequently? Do you have hobbies? What are you planning to do as GAL? Do you have a friend or two to support you during this difficult time?
Do you have family around that can help? You need to focus on you now and start feeling good about yourself.
Let your H do what he needs to do, eventually he will wake up and see all what he is doing. In the mean time, be prepared that he will try to came back, he will be confused and will try to drag you along the insanity. If you are religious, keep your faith strong now, it helps big time.
Be strong honey, you have a long way to go. Remember that it is not a sprint, it is a Marathon.
Thanks pink for your support. I'm trying to find my inner happiness. I had totally forgotten who I was since I was giving it all to my kids. But now I need to focus on me. Working is helping since we're not allowed to use phones I'm not getting the urge to call him or snoop.. but I really am trying to find me...
Me 34 H 33 Married 2006 S5 D2 BD Jan 2015 EA/PA He moved out 2/2/2015 Came back 5/2015 Filed divorce papers 8/21/2015
Thanks pink for your support. I'm trying to find my inner happiness. I had totally forgotten who I was since I was giving it all to my kids. But now I need to focus on me. Working is helping since we're not allowed to use phones I'm not getting the urge to call him or snoop.. but I really am trying to find me...
I think it's pretty typical to lose a sense of who we really are when we get married and have a family. There is a balance, it just takes work to find it. Find one thing you really enjoy doing and make time to do it...reading, writing, painting, gardening, cooking, baking, hiking, kayaking, photography....schedule time for at least one fun activity for yourself each week, and like you would a Dr. appt make sure you do it.
Me-44 (45) H- 50 (51) M-'96
S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)
BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas) home Oct(sep rooms) (EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed) insists wants D through July 2015 no more talk of D since
Hi lost. I have started taking the kids to the park. Warmer weather. It's helping by working amd getting my mind off of snooping calling and all of that. Things are a little bit better but still need more work. Is it wrong to want to have sex with him or have sex with him... I'm thinking not but I feel like of we have sex he'll start getting more attached to me. He'll see that our making love is real and not some fantasy. What you think. Even tho I know your answer.
Me 34 H 33 Married 2006 S5 D2 BD Jan 2015 EA/PA He moved out 2/2/2015 Came back 5/2015 Filed divorce papers 8/21/2015
Depress I completely understand! It's a link. A communication and it's worrisome if we give that up. I worry it means we lies another bond and one that would help bring H home!!! Plus I miss it - the physical.
That said, everything I've read here says don't do it! I don't have any suggestions on how to stay strong on that as I am struggling myself. I reach out in that way because I feel like I at least get response.
Is your H approaching you?
Cheers, PureHrt 18 years married, 22 years together Separated since Jan (2nd time in 3 years) 1 child
Hi lost. I have started taking the kids to the park. Warmer weather. It's helping by working amd getting my mind off of snooping calling and all of that. Things are a little bit better but still need more work. Is it wrong to want to have sex with him or have sex with him... I'm thinking not but I feel like of we have sex he'll start getting more attached to me. He'll see that our making love is real and not some fantasy. What you think. Even tho I know your answer.
The problem is two or three fold. Men and women view sex in different ways, so although you may feel closer he may not. Also if he is sleeping with someone else then you risk getting a disease. Have you or he gotten tested?
Hi lost. I have started taking the kids to the park. Warmer weather. It's helping by working amd getting my mind off of snooping calling and all of that. Things are a little bit better but still need more work. Is it wrong to want to have sex with him or have sex with him... I'm thinking not but I feel like of we have sex he'll start getting more attached to me. He'll see that our making love is real and not some fantasy. What you think. Even tho I know your answer.
The problem is two or three fold. Men and women view sex in different ways, so although you may feel closer he may not. Also if he is sleeping with someone else then you risk getting a disease. Have you or he gotten tested?
Can you have sex and stay detached?
Depends on the women. Some women are as detached as the men you are talking about. Or it's a transactional thing. So it depends.
I don't know depress but my guess would be no. This is a tough question, and really only one that you can answer. I would not try to use sex as a means to get closer to your H, at least not at this point. I'm sure there are many others that can help more than me at this point, it's been close to 2 years and he's been living in our house for the last 6 months.
Me-44 (45) H- 50 (51) M-'96
S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)
BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas) home Oct(sep rooms) (EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed) insists wants D through July 2015 no more talk of D since
hey purehrt. so lately hes been spending more time with us/me. today he took us out to dinner, which we havent in 3 plus months. we always just eat at the our restaurant. but he doesnt stay at night. hes communicating more. hes still not transparent. so that worries me a little...
Me 34 H 33 Married 2006 S5 D2 BD Jan 2015 EA/PA He moved out 2/2/2015 Came back 5/2015 Filed divorce papers 8/21/2015
HI CADET!!!! we havent had sex yet. but we came close yesterday, but your right about the disease part. and we have talked about him getting tested before coming home and we sleeping together. i cant have sex and be detached from him. so hard. but instead of having sex, we sat down, he drank coffee and we just talked and hugged. no kissing or sex. just heart to heart talks and holding hands and talking.
Me 34 H 33 Married 2006 S5 D2 BD Jan 2015 EA/PA He moved out 2/2/2015 Came back 5/2015 Filed divorce papers 8/21/2015
hey purehrt. so lately hes been spending more time with us/me. today he took us out to dinner, which we havent in 3 plus months. we always just eat at the our restaurant. but he doesnt stay at night. hes communicating more. hes still not transparent. so that worries me a little...
One of the biggest regrets I have is that I didn't stand firm on the transparency requirement. He suggested it. I was thrilled. It didn't materialize at all. I brought it up to silence. It may be different for you but for me it wasn't just about knowing what he was up to it was about his comfort in letting me in. Hard to explain but as time passed it became a wedge, a trust issue and later lack of transparency gave H an inappropriate outlet and escape. The more he hid the less I trusted and more I resented. The less I trusted and resented the more he withdrew and hid.
Now, reading all the posts I know that for my it was a boundary I should have upheld.
Regarding the physical... Sigh. This is hard. I know I try to fool myself into thinking having sex with my H doesn't stop me from detaching. It does. It is my last frontier and one I happen to love. Is it the same for you?
I am realizing that in order for me to truly detach and my H to feel that no sex is a huge 180 for me. Would it be something your H wld see as a 180 from you? Also, as hard as it is to do (refrain from sex) if it is stopping the detach is it healthy for you? (For me )
And as was stated above...health has to be factored in. You don't really know where H 'has been or is with' and you need to keep that risk out of your life.
I need to post my own words on my fridge! To keep me on track!! Lol
Cheers, PureHrt 18 years married, 22 years together Separated since Jan (2nd time in 3 years) 1 child
im kinda not pushing the transparency yet is because hes not staying at home. once he moves back fully, then i will make sure he is transparent. as for the sex. yes i fall in love with him alll over again. and thats what i think will happen to him. lol but i can be wrong, at the end of the day hes a guy and you know guys love sex. but he falls easily, so thats why i always think if we make "love" hell fall back in love with me. lol. well we havent had sex in 3 months since he left in feb. january was the last time we had sex.
Me 34 H 33 Married 2006 S5 D2 BD Jan 2015 EA/PA He moved out 2/2/2015 Came back 5/2015 Filed divorce papers 8/21/2015
Very difficult! There have been times I want to just touch him, kiss him, hold his hand, and other things not appropriate for posting!
It's even more difficult because he was always very sexual, me not so much, one of our big issues...I would guess without reading the book we had a SSM.
On the flip side, without pursuing there can be no rejection..which I'm still so fearful of although he's already rejected me.
Last edited by lost18; 04/24/1501:24 PM.
Me-44 (45) H- 50 (51) M-'96
S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)
BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas) home Oct(sep rooms) (EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed) insists wants D through July 2015 no more talk of D since
"but when we talk we hold hands. It makes it more emotional and harder for him to lie"
Don't be to sure of that. The very nature of an affair is a lie, people have affairs all the time and lie to their spouse that they are still being intimate with. So, while it may be harder for you to lie because of the connection, that is not necessarily the truth for him. Remember no expectations!
Me-44 (45) H- 50 (51) M-'96
S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)
BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas) home Oct(sep rooms) (EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed) insists wants D through July 2015 no more talk of D since
YOUR RIGHT. he's been sending me mixed signals. I don't know what to do. He says he wants to come home, which he had been the past few nights but he's still with the ow. He says he is trying to brake up with her minus the drama but wants to work on us. I'm not convinced. I'm getting clingy and everything I've done since feb. Feels like it's down thr drain. He tells me how come I'm not wearing my ring. And if a guy talks to me he gets pissed. What's going on in his head.
Me 34 H 33 Married 2006 S5 D2 BD Jan 2015 EA/PA He moved out 2/2/2015 Came back 5/2015 Filed divorce papers 8/21/2015
I am always wondering the same question about my H and what he's thinking...the thing is we'll never know, unless they tell us and even then who knows if it is even close to the truth.
Stop being clingy....unattractive! I will give more advice that I need to take myself....stop focusing on him and focus on what you can control...YOU!
Me-44 (45) H- 50 (51) M-'96
S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)
BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas) home Oct(sep rooms) (EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed) insists wants D through July 2015 no more talk of D since
ya i say that too. ugh. sometimes i just want to give up... i cant keep feeling sad like this and i dont want to cling on him cause it is ugly. he says its childish. i know but i just want to hug him and kiss him... i am taking care of me. thank god! lol i finally am making me time. pampering my self. but when i look good and feel good i just want him by my side! i wake up thinking about him, i fall asleep thinking about him. all day hes in my head!
Me 34 H 33 Married 2006 S5 D2 BD Jan 2015 EA/PA He moved out 2/2/2015 Came back 5/2015 Filed divorce papers 8/21/2015
I have read your thread and the only advice I can give right now is stop making yourself so available to him. Don't call or text him unless it's about the kids and if he text or call you about something else and it's not important, let the call go to voice mail and wait awhile before responding to his text messages.
If he comes over to see the kids, say great because I need to run some errands. Even if you don't. But have yourself looking hot when he shows up. Be a mystery to him. Let him wonder what you are up too.
This is what I have done in the past and it worked for me. And I have decided to start doing this again.
sometimes i just want to give up... i cant keep feeling sad like this and i dont want to cling on him cause it is ugly.
That's why we have to find the grey area that's not really either of those options. Were not giving up on the M, but also not staying stuck on it either. So neither giving up or staying clingy. Easier said than done, believe me I know. Just keep focusing on yourself.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Never never give up no matter how bleak it looks or how bad you feel. Never give up.
Go dark with him, do not contact him, call him, text him, even though every fiber of your being aches to do so. Let him miss you.
You need to GAL, seriously, it's the only thing that will get you over the funk and despair you are feeling. Trust me, I know the feeling well. It comes and goes but it truly tied to GAL. I know you feel like you can't do anything on your own, but YOU CAN and YOU MUST.
Do something, anything, make a list if you have to. Make it as simple or basic as you need it to be to start feeling better.
1. get out of bed 2. brush my teeth 3. get dressed 4. eat breakfast
You can do it depress. One foot at a time. Don't define you by him and his actions. Define you by YOU and your actions. You are valuable. Regardless of the M, do this so you can live and live happily again.
What do you mean by giving up? What would your life look like after giving up?
If you mean you're feeling suicidal ask for help right now.
If you mean you're giving up on your M, depending on what you'd do after that decision it might not be all bad. There's not much difference between giving up and detachment if you take healthy steps afterwards that aren't controlling or limiting of the future.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Hang in there. You can do it! I know it's hard. Take it one day at a time or even hour by hour. Really focus on yourself right now. Take this time to do something for yourself that you would not normally do.
Hey depress... I'm new here, only three weeks since the bomb drop. There's been a pit in my stomach every morning, and a few days I just had to lay there in bed for a few hours because I didn't have the strength or the will to do anything at all. I spent last night away from the house... I know it unnerved my WW, who got home a little before midnight after a party and movie with the OW. She expects me to be around and be her comfort, and in her bed, even as she does what she pleases.
But it was good to get out of that environment and clear my head a little. I feel okay so far this early morning... as I'm really thinking about me and what I need to do for myself going forward. It helps too to think about all the things about my WW that I won't miss if we never piece things back together: her constant need for attention, her neediness, her incessant talk of money and real estate... things I had allowed and even allowed to define me, in a way. We have been doing the real estate business together, but to be honest, I don't like it! For me, it's been a means to an end - for her, it's almost like an obsession.
And now she has this other obsession - and I see how she can get so totally absorbed in something (a career, an affair) that isn't healthy. She needs help and prayer, and I'm working to shift my view of her from wanting her to come back to me as my wife, to someone I love unconditionally but with necessary detachment and boundaries right now. To be honest, I am not very hopeful that we will reconcile. But I feel I have to give it all I have, because I made a commitment to her, and to us. And so, I am her biggest prayer warrior right now - praying for her to stop being so self-destructive, not praying for any particular outcome for our situation. I think that's just how I need to approach things going forward.
Hope you keep posting and listening to the very wise people on these boards.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Hi hun thanks for stopping by. It's been about 3 months for us. He's still with the ow but says he wants to work on our m and that things are complicated with the ow and that's why he can't brake things off with her. I'm in such a mess. I don't know how to handle this amymore. In the beginning I was doing heck of a job. Then 4 weeks ago he came to me and I wamt you back. I want to come home and it to ally messed up my route. Now I'm just hanging around not knowing what to do like a chicken without a head. Ugh. I pray too all the time for us for him.
Me 34 H 33 Married 2006 S5 D2 BD Jan 2015 EA/PA He moved out 2/2/2015 Came back 5/2015 Filed divorce papers 8/21/2015
) 