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#2549389 03/20/15 04:11 AM
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mleigh4 Offline OP
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I am a huge reggae fan, or is it called ska? I love the song Coming Home by Stick Figure. Every time I hear it, I think of H and I. I got lost myself, I know the feeling, but I made my way back. Whether H does or not remains to be seen....

Not a whole lot has happened, which is a good thing I figure! Work has been super busy, which I thrive on.

H had S on Monday night. I did some clothes shopping for myself. I also picked up some pants, underwear and socks for S to keep at H's place. H had mentioned he needed it. I did not do that for H, did it for S. A friend also came by to pick up an outside heat lamp that is being borrowed by my girlfriend this weekend for her birthday party. He is an old friend, with Romantic history, we have known each other for over 25 years. He has hinted at the friends with benefits thing, but no, not going there. Keeping my side of the street clean! Anyway, he asked about H and I, and I told him that I am doing good and he cut me off and said, why don't you guys just admit that it's over and move on? I asked, have you talked to H? He said no. I said, and I haven't talked to you in a while, so you don't know what our day to day interactions are, so making a statement like that is pretty out of line. He assured me he is just worried about me, so I assured him that I am doing really well. I told him I keep busy, I am in my home, I am happy! I said I am just living life and live each day doing what feels right to me. He seemed to get it, but I was surprised how defensive I got, but proud of how I handled it, with no bad words about H. And every word that came out of my mouth was true, I really am feeling good.

Had a little confusion with H about whether he was taking S last night or tonight. We had never resolved that, and he got a little snippy with me via text last night. But I was able to shake it off pretty quickly.

H has S and dog tonight. He was stuck in traffic, so I offered to pick up S from school and take him to his place. H was grateful. Again, not for H, for S. He is used to being picked up by 5:15. H wasn't going to be there until about 5:45. It gave me a chance to spend some time with S before being gone overnight. Ya, I am really hooked on my kid, I feel like a limb is missing when he is not with me. I am working on that, I don't want that to keep me from GAL.

So I am just hanging out with the quiet, watching TV. H called, to help me fix the thermostat over the phone, it was saying it was on a different day of the week, which was messing up the morning heater schedule. I am mind reading, but he could have done that the next time he was here....checking to see if I was home on my free night? Hmmmm, Who knows.

So I have been doing a lot of reflecting this last week. I am watching myself, for more things to work on. I continue to practice my compassion and patience, my kindness, with friends and strangers, and it pays back tenfold with good vibes and feelings. I smile every day when I come home. Home is more special to me than ever before. I cherish my time with S, enjoy every moment and make sure he knows how much he is loved.

And H? I accept, we are exactly where we are supposed to be. To clarify, I hate overall that this is happening to our family. But I feel based on what H is going through, we are doing what we should be doing. It feels right and fills me with a sense of peace and acceptance, for what it is.

Every morning, and I mean every single morning for 18 months, when I wake up, I struggle to clear my mind and remember what is going on in my life. Every morning, I get that stab of reality and dread followed by either a happy surge if we are getting along, or a sad surge if not. I wonder how long that will last?

Spring break is coming up in 2 weeks. I took the time off to be with S. We decided not to go away anywhere since we missed our fur babies so much last time. But we have some day trips planned. I also have some home projects on my mind, looking forward to the time off.

So I keep on, keepin' on.....


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2549422 03/20/15 01:11 PM
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You sound great. I'm glad you are going to spend some time w/your son during spring break. Both of you will enjoy those outings.

As for your h, I'm glad to see that things are working out okay thus far. Hopefully everything will remain calm and your h can finally find himself, face his issues and come home.

Today is the first day of spring...a new beginning in the world of Mother Nature. Make it a new beginning for you and your son today.

Happy Spring!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
mleigh4 #2549430 03/20/15 01:31 PM
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Mleigh4

It great to be in a good place right now. And we both know we are still on the emotional roller coaster, so expect good and bad days. It's how we process the "bad" days that indicate how we are progressing as LBS's.

Hopefully giving your H all the space he needs will allow him to move thru his phases and come out GOOD at the end.

Have a GREAT weekend, Plan A GAL.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
2BHappy #2549493 03/20/15 05:28 PM
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Mleigh

You sound like you have been able to settle inside the eye of the hurricane so to speak. Its a nice feeling no?

As far as your dude friend ... sounds like he was just temp checking a bit .. seeing if there was an outside shot at some ... good for you standing up and staying the course, would only complicate things anyways. That sentence about being without S ... I totally relate to that, sadly my S does too, he is starting to voice his frustration more and more about he and I being apart, just the little things like how I wake him up and the kind of time we do spend together he enjoys so much. I do feel blessed to have the R with him that I do, but time off is nice just ot be able to GAL and get things done.

You sound great .. stay at it!!


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



CaliGuy #2551928 03/28/15 03:53 PM
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It has been a week since I have posted and all is calm on the home front.

Last weekend was busy for me. On Saturday I had a funeral for a friend's father. The services were really nice, more of a celebration and reflection on his life. Their house was the hang out house and they had 4 kids, so the place was packed with mainly the children's friends! There was a lot of story telling and laughing.

Then I was off to my good friends 50th bday party. This was the one H had said he might go to, but he actually decided to spend the time having S over instead. I was relieved, I wanted to just go to the party and enjoy myself, and not be distracted by him being there. And enjoy myself I did! Had a great time. I was prepared for questions about H and I. I decided I would just reply, it's complicated but I am doing great. But you know what? No one asked about H. Everyone asked how I was doing, I would say great, and every single person answered back that I looked really good. smile One good and old friend of mine pulled me aside at one point. He wanted to tell me that he had noticed that I looked really happy, and that it made him really happy to see that I was doing so well. It made my night. These are old and dear friends that I have known for 25 years. We have seen each other through good and bad times, and they saw me at my lowest last year.

Good old Jose was also at the party. He is also a very old friend, but now hangs out with H a lot. I could see he was watching me a bit and I was just having fun and being me. At the end of the night, we were sitting together and talking. He told me, boy, you are livin large! Not really sure what he meant but I just answered I am living life and having fun, with a big smile smile

Sunday morning I woke up having withdrawals from S, so I got up and kept busy with grocery shopping and cleaning. Picked up S from H about 11 and had a relaxing Sunday.

The work week has been good. There was a little more confusion about the schedule for S, but H and I handled it without any big blow ups. I notice we both assume the other knows what we mean, but we don't. We have such a huge lack of communication. But we went over the schedule and seem to be on the same page now! We will see how this week goes.

On my S free nights I keep myself busy doing errands. I went to the nursery and got some beautiful flower baskets along with flowers and veggies to plant. I have been waiting all week to get my hands on them and getting ready to do the planting now! I have been scheduling landscapers to come out and give me quotes on my rock garden. S and I have plans to visit a local amusement park and see a movie this weekend. Busy but all fun stuff planned.

As far as where I am at, I have realized my focus has really turned to being about me and my own journey. I am no longer consumed about where H is at on his. I mean, I think about it, but I guess I am more concerned about where I am at. After last weekend, I again realized what a good place I am in. I have worked so dang hard to get here and still have a ways to go. If H approached me today and said he wants to come home, my first thought is no, not yet, I am too happy right now. Let's wait a while longer. Then I think, what the heck does that mean? I suppose it's not so much about H, but about me. I have been given this space and time, whether I wanted it or not, and will use it to find myself again. I got so lost in being a mom and wife, I lost me. I feel myself coming back, a new me mixed with the old, a wiser and more loving me, but still need time. So I am seeing how the DB process works, how this becomes about our own journey, not all about theirs. I still hope H and I can find our way back to each other, but not yet. I am enjoying this time right now.

I also have to say that I feel lucky and grateful that even though H left, he is putting money into our account on his own, I have not had to remind him once. I am grateful that S and I have our home, that is huge to us and we couldn't do it without H's help. I see the horror stories on here and know he could be making it tough for us.

So all good here, PMA remains high. I have my ups and downs still, I miss my old H. I plugged in a digital frame that has been stashed away for a few years and the pictures are of our marriage, honeymoon and S just being born. Wow. Brought back a lot of memories. And ya. We were happy, no matter what H says now. Those were good times he can never take away from me. He can rewrite history all he wants. I know we had something special, and hopefully, still do.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2551934 03/28/15 04:15 PM
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I'm glad to read that things are moving along nicely for you and your son. People are seeing that you are really happy and that tells me that you've been under a lot of stress in the past year or so. You are healing and w/healing comes life, smiles and new adventures.

Your flowers and activities that you have planned for your garden/yard sound great and the fruits of your labor will bring forth many happy and beautiful flowers very soon. I'm glad you've got a lot of fun things to do as well as some "must do" items. Balancing your time and activities helps and yes, you are going to have ups and downs for a while.

I'm happy to see that w/him out of the house, you aren't focusing as much on him. This helps you stay focused on you, your life and your son's life.

Spring means new beginnings and I think you are well on your way. Keep up the good work!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2554245 04/04/15 08:28 PM
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Hi there. Another week has passed. I can't believe how fast time goes, and how busy I am staying.

Last Saturday, S and I had decided to go see Home that night. H had texted asking our plans. I let him know and also said he was welcome, he wanted to come with. Since he was running late, as always, we met at the movies. It was such a cute movie! But there were a few parts where I cringed a little. The whole movie is based on family and home and the girl fighting to get it back. At one point, she yelled at the alien, you dont just LEAVE your family! Ouch, I just told H those words a couple of weeks ago. But during the movie, H and S were snuggled up together, it was nice. After, H said he wanted to stop by to visit and give us some brownies he made. He didn't stay long, but asked before leaving if S and I wanted to go have dinner the next night. We said sure.

Sunday, H made us reservations for "our" place, our favorite steak place. The service started out slow, so our server treated us with a free appetizer and free dessert. We had a good time. I found it I interesting that H wanted to spend so much time with us.

The schedule with S went very smooth this week, no mix ups! I continue to keep myself busy when S is gone and am doing better with it. I actually look forward to the time to get errands done or work on whatever project I have going.

My SIL checked in to see how I was doing. I told her great, keeping busy and living life. She apologized for her family being plagued with divorce and voiced her frustration with her brother. Just the D word alone makes my stomach turn, and I just didn't want to go there with her. But I told her, pretty short and sweet, that divorce hasn't come up in a while, that H needs this time and space to figure things out, that I am ok with it, and that I too am finding this time and space helpful to work on my own issues. She replied that I sound like I am in a very happy and healthy place and was happy to hear it.

After this conversation, I felt a little......emotionally drained. I am finding that I really don't think about H or our situation much, and when I have to, I don't really want to. The thing I notice the most is that people see it all so black and white. SIL saw that H moved out, so must mean divorce. As we all know, this is all far from black and white. So I have to put my perspective back into focus after these discussions, and it's draining!

Last night I went to grab a vase. I didn't know it was broken, the top half was just sitting on the bottom half, slid off, and put a nice cut on my face. Not sure how vase got like that.......really hoping H didn't just leave it that way? Trying not to think that way. I don't think I need stitches. So H was with FIL at a Sharks game and TM me about Easter. Him and his dad want to get together here for dinner. I let him know what happened and he actually seemed concerned. He offered to leave and come stay with S so I could go to doctor, but I told him I was fine.

He texted this morning asking how the cut was, another first in a long time. So we decided to add every other Saturday to our schedule for S. He said he thought we had already talked about that. I didn't go there, just said it's fine. Between us, no, we never decided that. Not sure who he is having these conversations with but it's not me.

Anyway, I am surprised about the Easter thing because it is also H and FIL birthday. They have the same birthday, cute huh? Surprised H wants to spend it family style, may just be because it's Easter. But we normally don't do anything special on that day. Anyway, Sounds fun, I love cooking for people!

S brought home his Easter project from school. 2 Bunnies, one for my place, one for daddy's. I told S that was really sweet of him. I asked, was that your idea or teacher? He said teacher. Told me she has all the kids with divorced parents make 2 projects. I told him, we are not divorced sweetie. He said he knows, but we are not together. I told him, yes, that's right, and just dropped it. He is doing so well with all of this, why confuse anything anymore, right? But I am not sure if I like what the teacher is doing? Doesnt that kind of single kids out? And I HATE that my kid is part of that. IDK, still sinking in, but not sitting well with me....

As far as H bday. I don't have it in me to get any kind of gift. I wasn't even planning on acknowledging it, to be honest, but kind of have to now? I figure I will just say S and I can take him to dinner sometime if he wants and leave it at that.

What do you guys think? How do you handle your spouses Bdays?


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2554251 04/04/15 08:47 PM
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I'm so sorry to hear about your face. I don't think your son broke the vase because I truly believe he would have told you. So, either your h or someone else who was in your home w/him may have done it. This is so like a kid who doesn't want mom to know that he/she has broken a vase or anything else. I do hope the cut won't leave a scar. You are so lucky you weren't hurt more seriously.

The "HOME" movie is very cute. The girl is right...you don't leave just leave your family. The movies and the nursery rhymes have wise words that pop up from time to time.

As for the Easter dinner...well...bring it on! Enjoy the day and it's okay to tell your h that you and your son will take him out to dinner one day very soon if he would like to do so.

Happy Easter!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2554281 04/04/15 10:34 PM
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As always, thank you Job. I know my S didn't break the vase, I was wondering if H or yes, a friend, did. But that is paranoid thinking and does no good, right? It is what it is.

I just finished up touch up painting around the house. H and his buddy left some good marks on the walls when moving his stuff.....all gone!! Heading into garage to paint countertops. I got this!! I grew up in apartments and have no experience with this stuff. I am having a blast!


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2554297 04/04/15 11:31 PM
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You've got it covered! Even though you grew up in apartments, it won't take you long to figure out how to do things around your home. If you don't know how to do something, do a search on the net. There are all types of DIY self help videos and step-by-step directions on just about everything that you would ever want to do. Heck, I even found out how to tie hooks and sinkers on a fishing line several summers ago because I hadn't been fishing in 20+ years and my nephew had expressed an interest in learning how to fish.

Allow your imagination be your guide when it comes to doing things around your home. Trust me, there's all types of info out there and if you don't feel comfortable searching the net, go to your nearest hardware store and ask questions.

As for the vase...did you toss it or can you glue it back together? It's a shame you had to discover it the way you did. I'm just glad your son didn't attempt to pick it up and get hurt.

Happy Easter!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2554331 04/05/15 03:19 AM
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Thanks Job. My mind can't STOP seeing things to do around the house! The problem is the pocketbook, but one thing at a time. I was letting H know my next project, to paint the master bath. It's got that sponge painted look to it, that I am over. It's a small area, so I was telling H my plan to use some spray texture than paint. He right away said oh no, just paint it. The wall is ok without the texture and it's not easy to do and looking at me like I am some kind of idiot that can't figure it out. I told him, I will texture it, it will be ok, with a big smile of course. It's gonna be the best dang texture job he has ever seen!:)

I painted the counters in the garage, I can't believe how much better it looks. We will see what H thinks when he comes with S tomorrow morning. I asked what H wants for Easter/bday dinner tomorrow. He has requested my Prime Rib. I can make a pretty mean Prime Rib. Although he REALLY doesn't deserve it, smile I got the fixings.

H has S tonight so gotta get the eggs hidden tonight because he will be on the hunt as soon as he gets home tomorrow morning! S told me last night that he doesn't believe in the Easter bunny, but believes in Easter spirit and that he thinks that is where the eggs and treats come from. So sweet, but shoot, this might be our last year for this!


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2554351 04/05/15 06:36 AM
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Enjoy the egg hunt with your S! Take lots of pictures. My kids know there isn't an Easter Bunny, but still enjoy a good egg hunt - who doesn't like finding candy!

Birthday's are a hard one. I think your idea of a dinner out with S is the perfect solution.

Do what YOU want in the bathroom. If it doesn't work the way you want it to, start over. It feels so good to have an idea and figure out how to accomplish it.


H: 48 Me: 47
Married: 19 yrs T: 20 yrs
2 teen-Ds and S
H-MLC (started 2012) and H-Unemployed (11/2014)
D-Bomb: 2/2015
H left country but hasn't moved out: 7/2015
I filed: 7/2015

dejavu2 #2554353 04/05/15 07:00 AM
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Originally Posted By: dejavu2
My kids know there isn't an Easter Bunny, but still enjoy a good egg hunt - who doesn't like finding candy!


What do u mean, there is no Easter Bunny.... Next you will be saying there is no father Christmas ;o)

Mleigh, now you have the opportunity to do whatever you want to do in your home - have fun with it, it can always be changed when u get bored of your creation. Sounds great, good luck!!

LouR #2554458 04/05/15 05:32 PM
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Thanks guys. I plan on doing what I want, I guess I just feel this need to let H know my plans. When I moved out, H went crazy making changes in the house. He put holes in the walls to put the surround sound speakers in, changing lighting and stuff. It kind of freaked me out, but now I can actually understand it.....

Lou, don't worry, I believe in the Easter bunny, Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy... all of them!


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2554624 04/06/15 02:57 PM
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mleigh

You sound amazing ... you really do. Yeah that WAS birthday thing is a catch 22 is'nt it? I have W B-day coming up ... and am still not sure what to do ... so much can change in a month so I am not thinking about it right now..lol.

You and H seems to still talk and share things, I think thats good provided you stay detached and don't get sucked in.... all these things you are doing to the house I am sure H notices and hopefully dude will wake up and think "Hmmm she is actually doing well without me ... wtf" and start doing some work on himself.

You are rocking this ... keep it up.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



CaliGuy #2554729 04/06/15 08:52 PM
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I am off work this week so I actually have time to post! I just want to share my weekend and throw some thoughts around.

Yesterday morning H texted me at 8:45 a pic of S, letting me know the Easter Bunny came to his place after all! S wasn't expecting that and was surprised. My first thought was that bum, he stole my egg hunt excitement that I love with S. Ok, that's the old me thinking. Immediately, I changed my thought to how sweet and considerate that was for H to do for S. I really see him working on his R with S, and I sense with S that it is working. I can see and feel them getting closer and it makes me really happy.

So, Job, do you think there is any chance H is starting the reconnect process? He hasn't shown any signs or said anything to make me think he is looking at himself yet, but I see him really working to get closer with S.

So H and S came here around noon. I asked H if he wanted some coffee, so while he was getting filtered water from the fridge, he commented that it seems like the filter is clogged. Next thing I know, the fridge is pulled out and he is working on it. Said the hose was clogged up.

Now, yes, it's very nice that he even cares and wants to fix this, but at the same time, his dad was on the way and I had food to get cooking. So I managed to do it around them working on the water filter, but it reminded me of his ADHD and how much it would drive me crazy! Oh, and he never did have coffee smile

So we had a great dinner. H and I also had a couple of good conversations throughout the day. He commented on my idea for my rock garden and pointed out a few other things to have the landscaper fix in the yard....

He asked if he could use the joint card for his work charges, so we could rack up points. We use and pay off the card each month for points to buy stuff for the house and for travel. I know, I can hear you guys saying be careful. He has continued to show responsibility with all joint money so it doesn't worry me.....

At one point, I thanked him for handing over money each month so that S and I can live in our house. I told him we love our home and are really happy to be here. He said of course! And that it's the way it should be. ....

I mentioned to him that S and I were sad that we never went on a cruise like normal last year. And that we want to during his summer break. I told H that I don't feel comfortable flying across the states and taking S away from him for a week on our own to do the Carribean, but that I was thinking one of the mini west coast ones that are only for a few days. H asked, why don't you do Alaska? I said, but that would take S away for a week, wouldn't that be hard for you? And he said ya, that's right. So I said, unless you want to go? Then of course we would love Alaska! H looked at me and said, ya, maybe I could. He said to get some info together and we can talk about it.....

I told H that if he likes, S and I would take him out to dinner sometime for his birthday. He said yes, he would like that, then started naming places he would like to go. When he left, he mentioned he was trying to get Friday off so he could do something with us......

So what do you think is going on with him? I feel like he is wanting to all spend more time together, but it is all family based.

As for me, I still have my guard up. I don't know if this is all temp checking or just his working on his R with S, I really don't even know if it has anything to do with me or us. With his birthday this weekend, it made some thoughts come to mind in regards to if there was OW. If there was, she didn't get much time with him. And he chose to spend his birthday as a family day, all his idea. Then I start to wonder, what if I don't make him happy? What if there is someone out there that would be a better fit for him? Then I think, wait, who cares about him! What about me? What if? This whole experience sure makes you think about the realities of your marriage and relationship. One thing I have learned to do when I think about H, his thoughts, his feelings and his happiness, is to change it to my own thoughts, feelings and happiness. I know without a doubt that I am not ready for any kind of relationship right now. It's a good feeling, a guilt free feeling of knowing this time is for ME.

So, let me know what you think about H and his actions. . Nothing is changing for me, I have only the desire to keep busy and keep working through my own issues and emotions. Home projects have definitely become my therapy. I have to say, I feel like I have come out of some kind of fog myself and am realizing how I did not take care of my home, and want to do nothing other than put in the time and effort to fix things and brighten things up. Do you think this has some kind of tie to my marriage? I realize the exact same situation with my marriage, yet I am not able to do much to fix that right now, so I am putting it all into my home? Wow, that's deep stuff, right? Well, I guess it is a healthy way to work through my own chit. At least it all increases the value of my home, in more ways than one smile


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2554764 04/06/15 11:42 PM
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Sounds like you had a nice weekend. Glad to hear it smile

Quote:
Do you think this has some kind of tie to my marriage? I realize the exact same situation with my marriage, yet I am not able to do much to fix that right now, so I am putting it all into my home?
It's really hard to say from here, right? What is it YOU think - that's far more important, but I'd caution you to be careful about the past. It can be a slippery slope to say the least. It's cool to learn from it, but don't live there very long, right?

As for the overall? My instinct says to wait and see what happens. When your H tries to reconnect with you, you'll know. there won't be a doubt about his effort - you'll feel it. There will be all kinds of other doubts of course, but not about him trying to reconnect. smile

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
AJM #2554883 04/07/15 11:45 AM
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M4,

Sounds like you are in a good place, just be careful about your H and the possibility of reconnecting with YOU, all the posts I read and advice says when IF they start to try to reconnect the LBS will know.

There have been times when my H stuck his head out of the tunnel and I would get my hopes up, and then BAM he runs back inside. So I have been working on when he does comes out, I notice it, but I dont get my hopes up.

With me and being a better ME, I know what I deserve and expect and H's little here and there peaks are not it, I know I need/want even a better R and better H then even before my H's crisis.

All that to say, I think you , we will know when /IF MLC are trying to reconnect.

While working on your home, keep working on YOU:)


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
2BHappy #2554981 04/07/15 04:03 PM
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Cali - thank you for your continued support. Holidays and birthdays are rough, but so far I have been pleasantly surprised and happy with the results. I think offering H dinner out was perfect, back in his court now.

AJM - what do I think? Hhmmmm. I think I am a fixer, but have accepted that I have no control of this situation. So, I am fixing what I CAN control which is me and my home. I have realized that I got really buried in being a working mom, and didn't focus on me or my H, overall, my home. Don't worry, I won't stay there and dwell on that, there is nothing I can do about it now. With my H moving out, the negative energy left with him. It is like the sun has come out, the fog has lifted, and I can see each improvement bringing new life into my home and me. Not only the physical aspects, but the feeling of independence and empowerment I feel when I complete a project. Definitely my therapy.

Happy - In your posts I have seen your H do things just for you, and yes, poking his head in and out. You are right, we learn what it is we want and deserve during this process. I think it is best for us to stay detached and guarded until we know.....and I do believe we will know when it is time.

I must have made my post sound like I was wondering if H was starting to connect with ME. I don't think that at all and wouldn't even want that yet. We are nowhere near ready for that, especially me.

I think he is working on his connection with S and wanting to spend time together as a family. That is a change, a year ago he was clear about not being comfortable doing that. It is just something I have observed and wonder if he is starting to miss that family time. However, I still feel his moving out was the right thing, for all of us.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2555006 04/07/15 05:15 PM
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mleigh

Its strange ... I have read archived posts and noticed that some LBS's get paired up in a way, maybe its when we joined (u-turn and I came on the same day) maybe its the sitches are similar , maybe the MLC'rs are similar ... or I think in our case .. you and I are a touch similar in that we both are calm, and we are fixers.

Like you, I realized a bit ago that sure this MLC thing was going to hit, but there were things in my M that were not good .. one was W and I put S between us, ahead of us, the #1 priority. This caused her and I to start losing that bond we had developed over the past 15+ years. Something she has recently agreed with.

As far as the Reconnecting thing, yeah I noticed a few months ago that W was starting to really make an effort into connecting with S. This made me .. like you ... take notice. I think we tend to look for signs, at this point in the game its not to predict the end of this craziness ... but better to prepare us, so we know what to expect. Like you ... I found it great she was working on the R with S. Recently she has started to connect with the dog, its hilarious in a way ... yes he was a person to her and she up and left him too.

As far as when the MLC starts connecting with us ... yeah I think mine is there, its different this time around and I have done over a year of touch and go's. Little things, she tries, she apologizes, she is making efforts to talk, sharing things about her day and the kicker .. actually interested in what is goin on with me. Are we working on the M no ... its more like her temp checking to see if I will get upset or let her have it about the past at this point.

You are doing great ... keep doing you and your lil one .. let H walk his walk as you have been ... I would allow him time and when he wants to be around great .. provided that you can maintain good balance inside you.

Last edited by CaliGuy; 04/07/15 05:16 PM.

M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



CaliGuy #2555016 04/07/15 05:26 PM
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I'm glad Easter went off w/o a hitch, regardless of the clogged hose. Apparently your h still wants to do things for you and please sure to recognize his efforts even when he's in the way of you doing something else. He's looking for affirmation and this could be a love language for him.

I want to go back a bit and ask a question of you....did your husband distance himself for your son when all of this began to occur? The reason that I am asking is that from what you've posted, he's treating your son as a buddy right now and wants to have fun w/him. He may be reconnecting in a fatherly way w/his son, but time will tell on that. Some do tend to come out and want to be best buds w/a child during replay and others will not have a thing to do w/their children. Sometimes they connect for a short period of time and disappear for a bit and then again, from the looks of it, right now, your h is enjoying his time w/his son. That's a plus in my books.

Again, time will tell. Just make a mental note of this behavior and smile...why? Because he's taken his son under his wing and is actually wanting to do some really great things w/him, i.e., spending time w/him.

Let's hope and pray that he's on his way to finding himself.

Keep the focus on you, your son and your life for now. God is working on your h. Let's leave it to him to do so.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2555117 04/07/15 09:02 PM
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Hi Job. I agree, doing anything mechanical or fixing is a love language for H. He was a bit disappointed when He was all ready to order a new filter online, but I told him I will wait this one out a little longer. For him it's the action, but I was just thinking money. I am on a budget so I don't want to get a filter until I absolutely have to. Those buggers are expensive! But thank you for pointing that out, I will make sure to let him know I appreciate those things.

Now for your question. H and I were "older" when we had S. I was 37 and H 35. We were very set in our ways and freedom and our world was rocked when this little demanding creature came into our world. However, I completely bonded with S and H was a little slower. My anxiety issues also came out so I really didn't trust many with S, so H and I were rarely alone. As time went on, H withdrew more. He says he felt like a third wheel. I saw it as H not wanting to be with us. I always felt like we were a burden to H, that he really wasn't enjoying doing the things you do with a kid. He would suggest doing adult only stuff, but I didn't like leaving S, separation anxiety. That really hasn't changed much! Lol. So, our connection died and I think it also did between H and S. It got worse at BD. For the first time, and it may be because S is getting older, but I see a real connection happening with them. H has always loved S very much, but it was almost like he really didn't know how to do this "dad" thing. His mother has even commented a couple of times that H just doesn't seem to know what to do with S.

It warms my heart and is something I have always wanted for them. I encourage H and make sure to let him know when he does something good with S or if S says something good about him. I see in H's eyes how much it means to him. They are having fun, but I see S getting the daddy stuff he needs too. Definitely a connection going on between them.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2555378 04/08/15 05:38 PM
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Cali - you touched on something there, what you said about us all spending time together, as long as I can maintain that balance.....

I always feel happy that H wants to spend time with us. It is a major change since Bday. However, I still get the waives of anxiety when he gets on his phone, goes to the bathroom, goes into another room in the house to get something.....my first thought is always, is there OW??? I get worried about getting into his truck, will I smell perfume on the seatbelt? I don't go into his house, will I see something? I still can't let go of that and I don't know why. The images of this phantom person still go through my head, images of him looking at someone else the way he used to look at me, I just don't know why this still happens. However, it really only happens when we are together. So yes, because of this unresolved question in my head, spending time together can be unsettling for me.

I also sometimes think, if we were to ever reconcile, I would need to know if he was with anyone else, especially if there was any unprotected relations. This is a situation I don't want to be in the dark about. I know, some of you have mentioned that it would be better not to know. I worry that I would always wonder, like now. Infidelity is a huge issue with me. I don't care about their issues, I don't care about feeling vulnerable, I don't care if it's just a bandaid... It would kill me and I just don't think it is something I could forgive. That's just being honest. The sad part is, I had asked H a hundred times and he always insisted no other person. Why can't I just believe that?

I guess these are all questions and issues I would need to deal with, thoughts that go through my head. I just wish I could enjoy spending time together without this always being in the back of my mind. I wish I could believe H was telling the truth. Up until Bday, when I found out about lie after lie after lie, it changed everything for me.

It is a wonderful feeling when I am able to believe, this is all because H is going through something unresolved inside of him, that he needs this time to work through it, and that this has nothing to do with anyone else. That, I can forgive and love him for.

Ok, so this is what happens when I have too much time on my hands, my mind starts thinking way too much! Time to go back to projects. Thanks for listening, it helps to just get this off my chest, and you are the only people who get it.

Focus is back on me. And like I always tell myself, take each day one at a time, live life and enjoy, laugh, don't look for trouble, let life happen and cross each bridge as it comes.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2555391 04/08/15 06:25 PM
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And here is where posting and talking things out really helps! Lol.

I ask myself, what is wrong with you? You snooped and snooped, for some tangible explanation of why this was happening, and for a tangible reason to be really angry and walk away from this. Instead, I found no proof of any OW. You would think that is a great thing!? Instead it has forced me to DB, which is no easy task. Looking within, excepting I have my own issues, and excepting that my H is in a deep fog right now.

Ok, I was going somewhere with this...... Oh ya! So I think with H all of a sudden wanting to spend time together, agreeing to future plans, wanting to spend his birthday with us, giving off this vibe that this is just a "break", there have been a lot of little things, has me a little spooked. I know I can be wrong about his intentions, it's just a vibe I am getting, something is happening with him.

I have a lot of healing to still do and a lot of unanswered questions that I am not ready for because I wouldn't believe what he said right now anyway. And I have so much to still do with myself. I am still finding me, enjoying my own space, and figuring out, after all of his damage, if he would be someone I could live my life with. I guess his changes are spooking me. It was easier to stay detached when he was aloof, cold and distant. Now, I sense something different, warmer with him. It is throwing me off, that must be what I am feeling.

See how much you guys help? Lol. So I will follow the advice I see on here consistently which is to stay on my path and keep working on me. I need to readjust my detachment, not read too much into these changes and try to just enjoy this change for S, because it really may be just for him.

It never fails, just when you got this down and are in a good safe place, they once again disrupt it! Actually, I guess that happens only if you let it. smile


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2555406 04/08/15 07:10 PM
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Stay the course, continue to learn and grow. Keep the focus on you, your son, the fur babies and your life. Your h has some issues to resolve and only he can do this....however, I do think he is responding to the changes he sees in you each and every time he has contact w/you. Even though he's gravitating towards you and your son, continue to keep those expectations near zero and when he does something really nice, it's a surprise and one that you will surely recognize him for.

You are doing great. Keep up the good work.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2555543 04/09/15 01:10 AM
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Thank you Job, it means a lot when I get compliments from you! smile

My expectations remain at zero and I will keep doing the same as I have been. Which is basically nothing in regards to my R with H. I don't text him, only answer his TM's. I don't go out of my way to include him, only if it comes up. This is for no other purpose except for myself, I am only doing what is feeling natural and right, for ME. My actions are not for H anymore, and that is the most......liberating? Feeling.

Being off work, I finished my half done projects. Thousands of pictures organized! I had to chuckle when I put 15 years of R with H in a box, and closed the lid. Time will tell if any pics get added.....I finished painting the garage countertops, looks pretty good if I do say so!! I think S is getting tired of me making him look at all my completed projects. Lol! I found another to do, will start that in the morning smile

Tomorrow, I have S's buddies over for the day. Then will be dropping S off to H, and going out to have dinner with my girlfriend. Friday, getting up early to pick up S from H, and take kitty to vet for spay frown. I know it's good for her, but I worry! While she is there, dropping off S with buddies while I get the gray washed out of my hair, then off to pick up S and kitty and completely fawn over kitty all weekend while she is healing I am sure.

Keeping busy and staying the course wink


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2556530 04/12/15 05:55 PM
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Happy Sunday.

Facing the end of a very relaxing week off of work! S and I are going to be in shock tomorrow when we have to get up early! We have been up until 11 pm and sleeping until 9. Much needed sleep!

I dropped off S with H on Thursday night. I had his mail, which was kind of strange because they all had "not here" written on them. I asked H, did you put in a change of address or something? He said no, so not sure why the mailman would write that then still deliver them, or how they would know!! I wondered how it made H feel, to see that and his home address slashed out like that..... If he felt anything.

Went to dinner with my girlfriend, while her husband was going to visit with my H. He is starting to reconnect with old friends. Anyway, friends H met up with us after. He didn't say much, and I didn't ask, just mentioned that the place is a dump. During dinner, A guy came up to me and asked if I was there alone. I said yes. He said his friend wanted me to know that he thought I was really cute. Lol, is this high school or what? They were a younger group of guys, maybe late 20's or 30's. I always get mistaken for being a lot younger than I am. But I didn't know what to say, so I said, tell your friend I said thank you and that he made my night, but I am here with my friends tonight smile

Later that night, we had a little conversation about me and I was assuring my girlfriend that I am in a really good place. That this is all good for H and I. My friends H, who has also been my friend for 25 years and is H's friend, said that he doesn't think H is capable of being emotionally connected with anyone. He went on to say all of this has nothing to do with me, that H has issues and that I should just keep moving forward and living life. I told him I agree with all of that and that is exactly what I am doing! I found it interesting that he could see that, not many people can outside of here!.

On Friday, I took kitty in to be spayed. My best friend works at the vet and kept me posted with each step. Kitty is doing great, healing right up!

That day, I got a letter from S's school. He scored 94% on the GATE testing, which is Gifted and Talented Education. I took a pic of the letter and sent it to H. He called, just beside himself. He told S how proud he is and said we need to go celebrate. S said he would like to go get frozen yogurt the next time he stayed with him, H said no, he meant for all 3 of us to do something. So H asked if he wanted to go that night, but S said we were staying with kitty because she had just come home from her surgery. So H said ok, how about this weekend? Then H asked to talk with me. He went on about how excited he was about the testing and said he wants us all to go together to celebrate, asked our plans for the weekend. I told him I didn't plan anything because of kitty, so H said maybe we can all do dinner or a movie or something. He said to let him know, I said ok.

Yesterday, I was busy doing stuff in the backyard, I came across a bunch of my old yard decorating stuff. Lots of moons, stars, fairies.... They were all in the shed. So I cleaned them all out and put them out. Looks so pretty, very Renaissance Fair like! Lol. Anyway, H TM's asking if we want to go to one of S's favorite spots, Five Guys, then to Froyo. S said yes! So we picked up H and went. Then S and I came home and watched a movie. H had said he was going to return his dad's trailer to his house that night.

One pattern I am seeing, on his S free weekend nights, he wants to spend them with us. Seems like that for the past month now. Where did all these amazing new friends go?

I still come across things that I didn't realize were gone. In cleaning the BBQ yesterday, I noticed a sign that was over the BBQ was gone. It had said H's BBQ. The nails are still there! I will be taking those out today. I always feel a flash of..... Anger and sadness, a little startled, when I come across that. But it passes quickly.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2556540 04/12/15 07:14 PM
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Boy, you and your son will certainly have a shock tomorrow morning after relaxing for a week! But, I'm sure both of you will be glad to get back into the routine and see some of the people you are around when working.

Poor kitty! I hope she's feeling better soon. You did the right thing by being a responsible kitty mom in getting her spayed. I'm sure she got a lot of attention and love while she was there.

I have a theory on the mail situation. Could the mail have come there when you weren't around and he picked it up and wrote on them? Could a friend of his have done that? The mailman wouldn't do this because they would reroute the mail if he had put a change of address on them. I do find that very strange.

Well, it sounds like your friend's h is of the opinion that your h's man cave is a dump. That's not good, but I'm sure to your h, it is "beauty in the eyes of the beholder" deal. LOL! I'm glad to see he's starting to reconnect w/friends.

Congratulations to your son on the GATE testing. I'm sure all of you are proud of him. His score is great! Definitely celebrate this one. This is a huge achievement!

I'm sure your garden looks beautiful with the plants, shrubs and your yard decorating stuff. It's funny how we put stuff away from the previous season and then pull it out and realize how beautiful it is all over again.

Okay, I laughed so hard when I read about something else missing. Sounds like he's been a busy bee picking up things here and there. It's like a treasure hunt, so to speak. I wonder if you will find my xh's plastic Easter Egg at the end of the hunt. LOL!

You are doing great. Keep up the good work and give your son a hug and kiss for me. I'm so proud of him!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2556556 04/12/15 08:35 PM
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I smiled when I read about the missing item and Job's plastic Easter egg quest. The mail is odd. As if "odd" wasn't the norm, right?

I agree, you're in a good place. That seems obvious by the response to the younger guy (high schooler) hitting on you and your response.

Glad the vacation was a good one! Also glad your H wanted to celebrate your S's achievement. Good stuff, especially for your S. You should be proud of him (I'm sure you are) smile.

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
AJM #2556657 04/13/15 01:49 AM
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The mail thing IS weird, right!? The thing is, I got it out of the mailbox like that. It said "not here" in green pen with the scan portion slashed on the bottom. So that is what led me to believe it was the mailman. H looked just as confused as me when I handed it to him. I wonder, maybe he didn't want to admit to putting in a change of address? Or, the scary thought is of someone tampering with my mail. I will watch to see if it happens again.

Also sad is if H DID put in a change of address. Legally speaking, I mean. When I had moved out, I got legal advice first to make sure I wasn't accidentally giving up any rights to my house. One of the things that came up was doing just that, it can be looked at as abandoning your home. I wouldn't pursue that with H, I am not an evil person, this house is as much his as mine, but it goes to show he is not thinking.

I also was a little sad to hear his buddy say the place was a dump. He also said H is an idiot for what he is doing. I can see what they see, on the outside it all seems pretty ridiculous, what H has put his family through these last 18 months. He has lost the respect of a lot of people, especially my family and good friends. I actually find myself defending him sometimes, because I know he is mentally not in a good place.

However, H looks good when I see him. And I do appreciate his making the effort to spend family time, that has always been very important to me. So maybe his being on his own is best for him after all. More power to him. I know I am very happy with this living arrangement right now, it has been a huge relief for me.

However, I sometimes wonder if I am TOO available when he wants to get together. But so far, I haven't felt like I have forced myself to do anything I didn't want to do. So I will just continue to do what feels right. This method is working well for me so far.

Yes Job, I still come across missing items. It has gotten much better though. But almost every time he is over, his eyes light up about taking something else he needs. When I am here, he asks. There are a few things I have said no to, like some outdoor speakers we bought years ago. Those were bought for THIS house, not some piece rental he decided to move to. I told him I planned on using them, and will. It's just plain annoying sometimes.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2556715 04/13/15 07:35 AM
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Originally Posted By: mleigh4
...friends H, said that he doesn't think H is capable of being emotionally connected with anyone. He went on to say all of this has nothing to do with me, that H has issues and that I should just keep moving forward and living life. I told him I agree with all of that and that is exactly what I am doing! I found it interesting that he could see that, not many people can outside of here!.


That seems to sum up my H as well! H has lost most of his friends as he never made an effort in the friendship. Men or women need the other person to make somewhat of an effort, otherwise there isn't a friendship. Your H may be finding that it is too difficult to emotionally connect with anyone other than you. You have a shared history and S which provide an emotional connection without any work on his behalf. His new life was a distraction from emotional needs; however at some point he does have needs which he wants met. He doesn't know how to open up and get those needs met by the new friends. So, he is still looking to you for a level of emotional support. If you feel like you can enjoy his company without expectations than continue spending the time with him.

Congrats on S GATE scores. Hope this opens some good doors for him. I think it is great the H wanted to make a big deal out of the results. It is nice the he values accomplishments of your S.

Too funny about the younger guys!

You are doing great. Keep up strong and look forward!


H: 48 Me: 47
Married: 19 yrs T: 20 yrs
2 teen-Ds and S
H-MLC (started 2012) and H-Unemployed (11/2014)
D-Bomb: 2/2015
H left country but hasn't moved out: 7/2015
I filed: 7/2015

dejavu2 #2557120 04/14/15 02:54 PM
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Dejavu2, what you said makes a lot of sense. Thank you smile


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2559076 04/20/15 05:07 AM
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All in you ---- by Iration

If you want to learn you got to try
You got to get it wrong to get it right
You're searching for the truth but finding lies
When all you got to do is look inside you

It's all in you
It's all in you
It's all in you
It's all in you

You want to be a star you got to shine
And use your own light when you need a guide
You keep getting lost following signs
When everything you need is right inside you

It's all in you

It was a very quiet week. In fact, after taking S out to eat last Saturday night to celebrate his testing score, I did not hear a peep from H until when I had to see him on Thursday night to drop off S. I don't think we have gone that long with no contact since H moved. I actually figure that's how it should be. He wanted his space, so I figure the less contact the better. As far as myself, I was curious about it, but had no problem with it. It was kind of nice.

Saturday was H's night to have S. I got a text about noon saying he was up all night with a sick stomach. He said he wasn't sure if it was something he ate or a bug, asked if we could see how he was feeling in later in relation to having S. I rolled my eyes, he is really the biggest baby, no joke, he is awful, but at the same time, if it was a bug, I don't want S getting sick. I actually was thrilled with having a bonus night with him, S was happy too. So I told H no worries, I had plans to go to a friend's for bbq but could take S, which I did. H said thanks.

This morning, H says he is feeling better, asked if he could have S over. I said of course, so he came and picked him up. I asked if he planned on having dinner with him. He said yes, so I let him know that was fine, but not late because it is bath night. At 7:30, no word from H. So I called him, he said they were out getting food on the way here. They got here about 8:15. I was annoyed. Only because H gets S tomorrow night so I was left with an hour before not seeing him until Tuesday night. So, I just let him know how I felt and why. He apologized, but added he felt that was plenty of time for a bath. As always, he just wasn't hearing my reason why. Then he went on to say that he knows it's not my fault that he missed out on his night with him last night, but he thought we were going to be flexible. Flexible to H means that I go by his schedule when he can't meet his parental responsibilities, which is ALL I ever do. I swear, if he says "flexible" one more time to me, I will scratch his eyeballs out. So I answered back that I have been very flexible. I added, actually, I have been downright awesome. He answered, got it.

Let's see, I did our taxes all by myself and am still waiting for him to pay his share. I dropped off and picked up S during spring break each of H's days, just to be nice. I have cooperated with him every single time he gets stuck in traffic or has something to do with work that delays him with S. Or when he gets sick. He takes dog whenever he wants, as he did tonight. And he is going to throw flexible at me!!??

Then I take a deep breath and remember what I am dealing with. No use trying to get him to see rationally. What was I thinking?

As usual, my emotions towards him continue to change around. I have noticed the last couple of weeks, I feel very distant. Very very detached from him. In fact, I am having a hard time looking him in the eyes lately, not sure what that is about. I just don't like who he is today. Just don't like that guy much at all.

I had a great weekend though. I got more home stuff done. I ordered a new canopy, got a bistro set and more flowers for the yard. I got a new buddha statue, one that symbolizes inner peace and calm. (Boy did I need that tonight) I also ordered a big wrought iron sun decoration to hang on the front of the house. I continue to be a busy happy little bee. Until I have to deal with H self centeredness. But I am able to brush it off quickly.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2559105 04/20/15 11:34 AM
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You may have to set some boundaries since your h uses the word "flexible" to suit his needs. I know you are trying to be "flexible" because of your son, but there comes a time when you will need to stop being so readily available to make things easier for your h to see his son. Set a schedule and if he misses the time or date, then he'll have to wait until the next day he is suppose to visit w/his son. If you don't, you are going to find that your h will take advantage of you w/no thought to you, your son or your schedule.

BTW, many of the mlcers will have bouts of illness. It's the stress, guilt and shame of what they are doing. I'm not surprised he's had stomach problems and hasn't felt well again.

Please take care of yourself. Think about those boundaries...okay?


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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I agree with you Job. He tends to take advantage and change the rules when it suits him. I was setting the Sunday night boundary by explaining it to him last night. I think he got it because he said he wouldn't bring H home so late on Sundays anymore, but he just can't ever hold back from being the victim and taking a shot. Even when the consequence is from his own doing, like not being able to have S because of a tummy ache.

I do tend to be too available, but it truly is only for my son. I also do want them to spend time together, so it usually feels like the right thing to do.

I am over it and staying on my toes. He has become like a child who tests how far he can push. The sad part is he is worse than my 8 year old.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2559212 04/20/15 05:48 PM
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I'm not surprised to read what you said about him being worse than your son. They become kids again, testing the authority figure (which is you) just to see how far they can go. When you call them on it, they cry victim and you aren't being fair.

It's not fair to your son to have hopes of spending the night w/his father and then the father calling stating he's got a belly ache. The child is then disappointed and sooner, rather than later, the child is going to stop looking forward to being w/the parent because he/she knows the time period may change at the last minute.

I know you are doing everything you can to be there for your son and to smooth the waters for a good relationship between your son and his father, however, the father's got to do some work in this area himself.

I think you've been very good about the entire situation and I would certainly call him on this type of behavior each and every time he changes up at the last minute or wants things his way.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2559297 04/20/15 09:03 PM
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Thank you Job. I went back and read the text exchange before deleting it, and I will admit, I wasn't very nice. There was a point where I should have just dropped it. I should have, and will in the future, gave him an actual time I was expecting S home. H is no mind reader, just like me. So, my bad in letting it escalate. I had made my point and then should have just let it go.

I know I was not feeling very warm and fuzzy towards him last night. I was irritated with the overall disruption of the weekend by him. I have been feeling irritated OVERALL with his disruption in our lives lately. I seem to be back in the anger phase these days. He can't even give S a bath because the dump he is renting is still in the middle of the bathroom remodel, going on 3 months now.

Our past few interactions have been very short and sweet.... by me. When I think of things I need to tell him or ask him, I make a list and do it all at once when I need to see him to avoid talking to him more than I need to. When I drop off S, it's a quick hi and bye, I can't wait to get away from there! He tries to make small talk, tell me about things, and I basically half listen. Yesterday he was even telling me that he had talked to S about helping me more around the house, told him specific things to do. Nice, right? I didn't even make eye contact with him, I was thinking, I don't need your help with my S, thank you. I am not doing a good job of "keeping the door open" right now. In fact, I feel like I have it closed right now.

I am thinking a lot about how happy I am with him out. I mean, happier than I have been in years. There were so many things that we clashed on, so many things he always criticized me about. It's all gone. I know our issues were and are fixable, but I am really enjoying my freedom right now. It's only been 3 months, so I know that may change.

I think I need to do a better job of listening to him, no matter what he is rambling about. It's common courtesy.

Also Job, your comment about him making himself sick.... The same thing crossed my mind as this followed the very quiet week and I was thinking, maybe he is starting to look within and see the damage he has done. Time will tell, not getting my hopes up smile


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2559546 04/21/15 03:30 PM
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mleigh

Its strange, when the BD hit one of the reasons the W gave was the added stress from the M was making her sick, the past 18 months after her health is not much better, sometimes she hits very high highs .. but goes down to very low lows.

I have posted here my observation on the lack of sleep they get, the added stress from the destruction they have caused, plus throw in the rampant confusion ... its no wonder they struggle with health and come down with the flu or colds very easily.

As far as you emotions, I can relate... its that feeling of being on the rapids for a few terrifying hours and you find yourself on a peaceful river ... but you hear the rapids forming again downstream and find yourself not really ready to go through that just yet.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



CaliGuy #2559553 04/21/15 03:46 PM
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Ok, help please.

H stopped by my house this morning to drop off the dog and son's items since he had him last night, and he TM asking if he could take the giant First Aid kit in the garage. I answered that I wish our home hasn't become the local pick and pull but if you need it, take it.

This needs to stop. He moved 3 months ago. Each time he goes over, he takes something, and it's another slap in the face. It's his stuff, but it just gets me shaken up each time. What can I say to him to basically say, get whatever else you need, at one time, and be done with it? Or do I say nothing and deal with each time? Or, maybe, time to change the locks?


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2559560 04/21/15 04:08 PM
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Or what about:

"Would you like to set a date to get all the rest of your stuff over to your new place? I would be happy to help you get it all together. That way, you have everything you need"

Is that being too bold? Yes, I basically am saying get the rest of your sh*t and get out, in a nice way.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2559567 04/21/15 04:30 PM
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Don't help him. If you are just separated things need to stay at home until or if you divorce. You could put all personal items in a box and set it at door for him but household items I wouldn't give to him.


Skhdivers
M 20 years
S 1/28/15
Me 49 h 45
skhdive #2559579 04/21/15 05:20 PM
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mleigh

Ok, little self work here... what is it that is eating you with this ... the fact he is slowly inching that bandaid off and you are at a point you just want to rip the darn thing off and be done with it? ... I get that feel here.

I think its honestly boundary time. Stern direction from you, if you do not need/want the first aid kit, set up a time and let him know .. you also want a list of the rest of the things he 'needs' so this can be done with once and for all .. as you said .. your place is not the pick-n-pull. Or ... maybe this is an item you actually will need, with as much home improvement things as you have done .. you might need this in an emergency and it will be gone, or you will hav eto replace it.

Boundaries ... they need them it seems, heck its almost like they beg for them. I think its time you set this one, he chose to leave and have his own place, along with that comes responsibilities.... feels like he is window shopping your place and seeing what he can cram into his new one.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



CaliGuy #2559618 04/21/15 08:09 PM
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Thank you Skhdive and Cali

I agree, no more household items. The tough part is that he always brought stuff home from work, stuff he got from various job sites, however it was stuff for the house. So, is this considered household stuff or his? That is where I get mixed up. Most of it I don't use so that is why I always just let it go.

Self work - I think it is the principal of it, I feel disrespected and my panties get all in a bunch! I would prefer he just take the rest of his stuff all at once, instead of a little at a time. What I need to think about is why I feel that way. It comes off as controlling, yes? My way not his way. So I will think about how to handle this before saying anything further to him.

I do like the idea of setting a date for him to take the rest in 1 shot though. We are talking alot of stuff. He still has clothes here, golf clubs, shoes, his childhood stuff, his deer head, and all the junk he accumulated in the garage. But actually, it could be done in 1 trip. As long as we keep it to personal stuff, no more household items.

So to make that request, does that come off as controlling, or fair? Because I want to be fair.

Job - I am still waiting to hear your thoughts too!


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2559630 04/21/15 08:55 PM
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I think I advised you a while ago to set boundaries about him taking things from the home. The time has come to sit him down, advise him that he needs to make a list of what he wants and then you can either box it up or be there when he comes to get it. Once he has gotten all of his "stuff" that is identified on the list, he will need to understand that's it. Household items are not up for grabs and should remain in the home.

Question...do you need this first aid kit? Do you have one in the home? If so, then give it to him, but emphasize the list has to be compiled and given to you and once those items are picked up, that's it, i.e., he's on his own. If you don't set boundaries, this will continue. I know you want things to go well between you, but enough is enough. Are you over there telling him what you want from his stash of stuff? If the answer is no, then you need to learn how to say the two letter word "NO".

Time to set up a date and be there when this move takes place or you will discover later on that there are other things missing. Give him the black matching luggage, i.e., plastic bags if he doesn't have boxes. The luggage works quite well and doesn't take up as much space. Oh, another thing, if he says he can't take it all that day, then advise him it's got to picked up or you will set it in the garage. I have found that they make excuses about coming to get the "stuff" that they've left behind.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2559654 04/21/15 09:50 PM
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Ok Ok I hear you guys loud and clear. Job - as always, thank you for your bluntness. I tend to get taken advantage of, It's time.

How does this sound:

Hi there. I know its hard to read the vibe on text messages, but I am talking friend to friend. Lets set a date to get whatever else you think you want/need from the house and get it over to your place in one shot. I think it is fair that whatever was brought in the house, for the house, stays with the house for now. Let me know a day that works for you. Thanks.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2559657 04/21/15 09:51 PM
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P.S. I bought myself a box of bandaids, its all I need. Amazing that he couldn't just do that instead of unscrewing 4 screws off the wall.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
job #2559658 04/21/15 09:51 PM
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Hi, just popping in, and haven't read through everything but thought I would offer my two cents. I have dealt with the exact thing! It gets to be painful after a while when the ex just slowly picks away and grabs items from the house as they need them. I certainly feel that you are within your rights to explain to him exactly what you wrote, that you would like him to pick a date, come by and grab all of his items. It is not rude, your house is not a yard sale.

I said the exact thing to my ex as well when he was doing the same thing. We set a date, and he came by for what I called a "Final Walkthough" smile That should get the point across. Just tell him you would like to set a date for him to come by and do a final walkthrough of the house. Believe me, there is MUCH relief after that final walkthrough is over, as you can re-claim the house, and feel a sense of relief. smile Just as a funny sidenote, the things that my ex grabbed on the walkthrough were hilarious!! (apple corer, 3 of our 6 wine glasses, thai noodles... ) And also, if it helps you any, perhaps you could have a friend there while he does the walkthrough, if it helps you feel more at ease.

~formerly chasingpavements

mleigh4 #2559660 04/21/15 09:52 PM
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Suggest that he make an itemized list of what he wants so that he doesn't forget anything when this "move" takes place.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2559679 04/21/15 10:32 PM
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Ok. Message sent, done. We will see how this one goes smile


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2559751 04/22/15 04:06 AM
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I never heard any response from H. Well, I suppose that I got my point across, my home is not Wal-Mart. If he doesn't bring it up and it stops, great. If he starts "shopping" the next time he is here, I will remind him of where I am at with that. I really hate that it had to come to that, I was hoping it wouldn't.

I got my Sun decoration today and ran right out and hung it on the front of the house. It looks great! I just love it!


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2559811 04/22/15 11:41 AM
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M4,

Once this list is done and checked off, is it possible to get the locks changed? Just a thought, so your H knows once he is out he can not come and go as he pleases, but I dont know if leagally he has to have access to the house?

Hang in there, keep on the path of sanity, keep smiling, keep GAL (I tell myself these same things every day).


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
2BHappy #2560030 04/22/15 08:38 PM
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NLCP. Thank you for sharing. Yes, it is painful and quite annoying!

2Bhappy, I will see how it goes and am thinking about the locks. He really only needs access to the garage to leave son's things.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2560260 04/23/15 04:40 PM
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Just a quick journal because I am at work.....

I had to interact with MIL last night. She decided to pick up S from school and hang out with him at my place until I got home. It is something we have talked about before and I was fine with it, S loves spending time with her. I got home to her having watered all my plants ( they didn't need it, I had just done it the day before and do it only every several days because of our CA drought and water bills), defragmented my laptop computer (without my permission), accidently had let the cat out because she left the door open (luckily S saw her in the backyard) and made a comment while I was putting my clothes in the dryer that H has S do that for him. ( I don't place everything in the dryer, many things I hang up to dry, and I don't really want S going through my underwear) Then I came across one of my statues that had been broken. I asked her what happened, she said the cat must have done it. Then she offered to take it with her to super glue it. By then, I was just done with her for the day, and said I think I have some super glue, however, maybe not because everything has been taken. (not nice of me to take a stab at her S, I know, it just came out)

It is nothing that she did that is life shattering, some of it even nice, but the woman just rubs me the wrong way. Especially after BD and what I am dealing with because of her S.

Anyway, what I am getting at is this..... I am realizing, in a really big way, I don't like who I am with H and his family. I don't like how I feel with them, how I see myself through their eyes. I don't like who I become around them. It's self work I suppose, to figure out why I become who I am around them and what I can do to change that.

I feel emotionally drained after dealing with H and his mother this week. It weighs on my mind why I feel the way I do and why I say the things I say. I am a really nice person, and I feel like a major B when dealing with them.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2560267 04/23/15 04:48 PM
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I understand how you feel. You'll need to have a discussion w/your MIL and tell her that you appreciate her picking up your son and spending time w/him at your house, but you would prefer she not do anything to your computer and be careful about not letting the cat go outside. Set some "gentle" boundaries w/her because she truly doesn't know where she fits in w/the family now that her son has gone AWOL.

You've had quite the week and it's not over yet...but you'll feel better when the weekend comes. Dealing w/MLCers and families are difficult most of the time, but when they "invade" your space it gets old very quickly.

It will get better in time.


job #2560301 04/23/15 06:04 PM
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Mleigh... I laugh only because I just realized I too don't like who I am when I'm around W... Luckily I do not have much contact with her family, most likely for the best as they are in the dark when it comes to W.

That being said... It hit me last night... I've done to much work, come to far to get sucked back into who I was, or behave in a way I don't want ... I see that with you... For me it's something I've noticed and will make an effort to work on... Adopting the fake it till I make in mantra


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



CaliGuy #2560337 04/23/15 07:29 PM
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Good idea Job. I really do think she means well, and she is very......in denial and in the dark about her son. From our conversations, she truly feels this is all about us having an unhappy marriage, that H lived with neglect from me for too long, and that it is hopeless (her words) She very well may feel uncomfortable in the house and around me, I think she may have just been looking for things to do to keep busy.

Cali - you hit it. I have come way too far to go back to that place, and it frustrates me that they can bring it back in me. With that, I know I have no control over them, only me, and this is a great project to work on in myself.

Another thing I have noticed within myself is that I have become VERY protective about my home and everything in it. This is my safe place, my refuge, and continues to become my escape with all my home projects and changes. Maybe I have become over sensitive with them invading my space that I have become so protective of. Between my husbands house shopping and her touching my things, it just really got to me! Most likely doesn't help that I am an only child! lol

Well, it really helps to talk this out and I now have a focus to work on within myself. Thank you both so much.

I have been invited to H's nieces baby shower coming up next month, it will be held at MIL's house. I really really really don't want to go. I don't have any relationship with any of them, only H's one sister, and this is not her daughter. I may have to skip that, but send her a really nice gift instead.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2560350 04/23/15 07:58 PM
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Mleigh .... thing is YOU see it, that's big. I think in a way we are/were faced to deal with so much so fast that we can only process it in chunks at a time ... but for them, its like they want us just where they left us, like in a time lock, unaware of anything that has happened, and that is just not possible.

The LBS grows and gets better, becomes independent .. I think what you are feeling is perfectly normal provided you are not running around your house like those birds in Nemo saying 'mine mine mine ... mine mine mine' laugh Your sitch seems a bit different as there still is no sign of a OW, just your H out in la la land doing his walk-a-bout which may be better or worse I am not certain. I agree with job and do think setting some firm boundaries would be good for you both ... I know when I set them it was for me, not to punish her, end result was gaining some respect that I had lost over the years back. Slow process .. .but again in MLCville what isn't? laugh


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



CaliGuy #2560377 04/23/15 09:13 PM
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Are you saying it's bad to run around the house saying "mine, mine, mine!!" Ok, duly noted smile

My dear friend still gives me a hard time about smacking her hand when she would take my McDonald's French fries in high school. I haven't changed much!


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2560443 04/24/15 12:37 AM
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So, some food for thought......

If you can relate, in not liking who you are or become around your MLCer, and not liking how you see yourself through their eyes, imagine how the MLCer must feel.....


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2561545 04/27/15 06:33 PM
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Had a nice weekend. S wasn't feeling well on Friday. H had him and ended up staying home from work and school with him. After work, I asked H if he could bring S my way or if I should go there to pick him up. H answered that S wanted to lay down and if it was ok to go his way to pick him up. Being that I really want him at the house as little as possible with the whole "shopping" thing, I was fine with that. Something came to mind though. I remember, within a few months of my moving out, my house became an uncomfortable place for me to go to. It felt strange to me, especially with changes H was making to it. I wonder if H is beginning to feel that way as he is coming less and less and has silly reasons for it.

Anyway, S was standing at the door when I got there. I took him home to give him extra TLC for not feeling well. Dog was able to stay with me too as for whatever reason, she all of a sudden won't jump in the back of my truck. She can jump onto my bed, same heigth, with no problem. Not sure what is going on there, but she weighs almost as much as me. There is no way I can lift her. My friend says it's because she doesn't want to go to H's house. Lol. I am not so convinced of that.

I had S all weekend and we laid low. I put together my patio set all my myself! I love it, really adds to the yard. I decided last minute to have a few friends over on Sunday for a bbq. We had a really good time and they raved about how nice the yard and house are coming along. They are also friends of H, but his name never came up. Just a comment on how cute a picture of us was that I have on the fridge. It was the first time I have had friends over without H being around. It was very comfortable and so nice to enjoy myself without even missing H not being there. Huge step for me!

I debated and debated, should I invite H? These are his friends too. But I decided, it's best to leave H alone right now. Contact from him has been less and less, I sense something is going on there.....not sure what.....I just sense that it is best for me to stay as far in the background as I can right now. There will be lots more get togethers at my place, I will invite H when and if it feels right.

mleigh4 #2561553 04/27/15 06:44 PM
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Your sitch always has confused me with the way your H took off .. but not like there has been a hint of OW, just seems he needs some time to sort himself out and if thats the case he is not so far gone to realize adding things would hurt more then help.

You might be on to something with changing the house up so much it no longer feels like 'home' to him, I am not so sure this is all bad, shows you are still living your life and if need be can go on without him. My W said something the other day that back in Dec I did something that showed her I was moving on with my life ... seemed to start the avalanche ... she is still not out of the tunnel but just for research I am curious to know what types of things can be small smelling salts for the crisis if there is such a thing ... like everything else .. what works in one will not matter in another I suppose.

Glad you are enjoying yourself, I am craving a good BBQ at the moment ... lunch is close ...lol. I will eat my pasta and dream of ribs instead laugh


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



CaliGuy #2561570 04/27/15 07:14 PM
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Cali. Can you remember what it was that made your wife feel you were moving on? Oh, and I make a mean rack of ribs if you are ever in the garlic capital! laugh

We are both great mindreaders, you have been accused of it many times smile If anyone was to ask me, what do I think is going through H's mind, I would say he sees me moving farther and farther away. To a point where I have almost started feeling.......cold to him. At pick up and drop off of S, I have kept things quick and short, no small talk for me! I just have not felt like sharing anything with him lately, I feel very distant from him. But I realized, maybe I am being a little too cold. So when I picked S on Friday, I made a point to chit chat a little. I pointed out his new work truck that he got a couple of weeks ago, he gave me a full tour. I touched his arm where he had some recent scars, he told me the whole story of what happened. I even put down some bricks to hold the base of his canopy because it was really windy. Lol, I am on a roll here with this home improvement stuff.

Anyway, I just get this feeling, mind reading, that he is really lonely right now. But I feel it is a part of the journey and that I need to stay out of the way. My H has always dealt with depression and I do believe he is working through it and feels it is better he do it away from us. I am not saying his intent is to do this for me or our family, I just think he is really lost right now, and that he has been fighting and trying to escape these feelings for a really long time.

My gut so far is not sensing OW, and for whatever reason I hope my gut is right. But I also know anything is possible, however I am done wasting my energy on that fear. I figure if it comes to be, I will deal with it then.

Thanks for your support. I am enjoying life and looking forward to our good weather.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2561627 04/27/15 10:47 PM
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Originally Posted By: mleigh4
Cali. Can you remember what it was that made your wife feel you were moving on? Oh, and I make a mean rack of ribs if you are ever in the garlic capital! laugh


I would definitely sample ... ribs are like pizza ... always good

I do recall ... but I really think it was a combination of about 4 events packed into a 30day period. At that time OM and her were licking their chops at the D's being finalized and starting 2015 'together' .... funny as 2014 was the same.

#1-Thanksgivings I made a huge spread, just like I used to, did not care if I was going to toss out 1/2 of it later as S and I were going to have a feast, W asked about it and looked at me waitign for an invite, none was offered
#2- Wife was sick in Dec, had a cold, she eats very clean so this is rare, she begged me to help her (Mr Fix-it) and go get her some meds, I told her I was fired from that position and she could call OM, I am sure he would be happy to be that person (Basically was a gut feel ... calling OM's bluff)
#3- This one was not me, but I have no doubt added to the stress/confusion. OM planted a kiss on W infront of S, not sure what the look must have been from S but I know it hit her deep.
#4- Christmas ... refusal to 'go in half' on gifts ... I bought S his own set of gifts, explained Santa knew the sitch and would hit both houses

Common theme of all these ^^^^ Family events, seemed my W had a fantasy she could have the A and still 'be a family' when I told her I would not be a part of that, and went one more as to make sure we were not even going to be friends (Explained I would never keep a friend who treated me and lied to me as she did) ... things seemed to start moving ... not all the sudden but seems that period of time got the ball rolling, Family is very important to her, holidays I always made a big deal about, 2013 I faked it...2014 I said F that and prepared myself for D and celebrated it all solo.




Originally Posted By: mleigh4

We are both great mindreaders, you have been accused of it many times smile If anyone was to ask me, what do I think is going through H's mind, I would say he sees me moving farther and farther away. To a point where I have almost started feeling.......cold to him. At pick up and drop off of S, I have kept things quick and short, no small talk for me! I just have not felt like sharing anything with him lately, I feel very distant from him. But I realized, maybe I am being a little too cold. So when I picked S on Friday, I made a point to chit chat a little. I pointed out his new work truck that he got a couple of weeks ago, he gave me a full tour. I touched his arm where he had some recent scars, he told me the whole story of what happened. I even put down some bricks to hold the base of his canopy because it was really windy. Lol, I am on a roll here with this home improvement stuff.

Anyway, I just get this feeling, mind reading, that he is really lonely right now. But I feel it is a part of the journey and that I need to stay out of the way. My H has always dealt with depression and I do believe he is working through it and feels it is better he do it away from us. I am not saying his intent is to do this for me or our family, I just think he is really lost right now, and that he has been fighting and trying to escape these feelings for a really long time.

My gut so far is not sensing OW, and for whatever reason I hope my gut is right. But I also know anything is possible, however I am done wasting my energy on that fear. I figure if it comes to be, I will deal with it then.

Thanks for your support. I am enjoying life and looking forward to our good weather.


Kidding me .. I am a Jedi I am awesomesauce at the mind reading tactics.

All I can tell you is trust your gut, I think that's what we all must do at times ... lets face it there seems to be no right/wrong in certain areas ... my gut told me there was a OM in Sept, did I trust it .. no, I asked and she lied, up to that point .. 24 years I had no worry of such a thing but all the sudden my gut said .. hmmm ... does not feel right, my gut was right.
I think you are right to trust that, he may very well just wanted to shield himself knowing deep down certain things he did not want to put you through, things he knew he needed to get over.
I get that whole part of distance, almost to the point of being cold, I have been there too ... in a way it was anger, for what she did and what she was doing, then it just changed gradually into a disinterest in her, she was living a life I did not want to be a part of ... her choice, and I was making my own choices in what and how I wanted to do things.
You are rocking this ... I follow your sitch as it just seems so unique, and you continue to walk your walk with grace ... I might suggest just changing things up a bit and see if that sparks a move out of your H, I know it was easier to handle certain things in this like it was a science project.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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I think that hits what I am feeling, just an honest disinterest in him these days. I have no desire to talk with or hang out with him, as he is today. Anger definitely got me to this point, but it has helped me to detach in a huge way.

Pick up of S was interesting yesterday. Once again, dog did not want to go. H now has an open bed pick up truck for work, dog had not been in it yet. As usual, H got irritated with her, "dogs like riding in trucks! What kind of lab are you?" It hit a nerve with me as one of my biggest issues with H is his constant criticism of S and I. He just doesn't get that people have different ideas of fun, different likes and dislikes, and always got so frustrated with us that we were not into four wheeling, boating, roughing it camping.......He just can't accept us for who we are. Me, S, the dog, all a disappointment to H.

So he got her in the back of the truck, she was shaking like a leaf. I said, just put her in my truck, I can drive her there. H said no, she will be fine. He mentioned the idea of getting a new dog. Again, hit a nerve with me. But if it means my dog can just stay in her home on a regular basis, fine with me.

Just another night filled with a sense of relief, that I don't have to deal with him on a day to day basis. I also have been entertaining the idea, maybe I COULD be happier with someone who actually gets me, and someone I get. Because I don't get H at all.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2561850 04/28/15 03:34 PM
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I was catching up on your sitch.

Yes, I too have found a common thread that partners who cheat think they can do the family thing - celebrate together and still have their AP. I too say F that. i did it in 2014 Christmas and D6 birthday and it was terrible. This year - I am doing my thing solo with the kids - 2 birthday parties, 2 Xmas celebrations, etc... Let her celebrate with the AP.

Thanks for confirming that for me. I feel better about my decision.


Was made a better person by DB'ers
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hhmmmm thinking about my earlier post and something is nagging at me.

"He just can't accept us for who we are. Me, S, the dog, all a disappointment to H."

H has never said these words to me, this is how I feel based on things he says, but it doesn't mean that is what he is thinking. I have felt and reacted on those feelings for a really long time, which drove a wedge in between us. I felt like I could not be myself. However, was I doing that to myself? H would push S and I to do things, and he has commented on his frustration that we don't like doing a lot of things he likes to do, but does that mean he doesn't still love us? Was it my own negative talking in my head that made something simple into something so personal?

I will need to sit on that one for a while. My mind can be my worst enemy.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2561920 04/28/15 05:58 PM
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mleigh

Even before BD I had those feelings. W is seriously critical and turns out the more I learned about MLC, how and where is came from, I kept my ears open. MIL is seriously critical as well so its a learned trait in my W's case. I always felt like to earn love I had to do this, this and then this. After some time it really strips you of your self esteem, like you I started feeling the more I was away the better I felt, and was reluctant to go back to that old life. Then a lightbulb ... Boundary-setting... I think its one of the many important tools I have learned to have in my tool box, I am quick to stop W when she says something critical toward me or S, and now she is more receptive to it, even starting to catch herself before she completes the sentence. During this I realized I too was that way, in retaliation ... almost a passive aggressive style but it was there. Something I am working on myself

All this self work mirror stuff is tough .. makes one hungry .. for ...lets say ribs laugh


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



CaliGuy #2561983 04/28/15 07:38 PM
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Mleigh
My ex was very critical. I was never athletic enough for him (even though I was a good sport and went backpacking. Wilderness camping, learned to ski and snowboard, climbed Mt Whitney). I never could learn to surf and I swear that was a factor in my divorce lol!
My oldest son has mild Aspergers and my ex could never accept his differences either.

Now I have a boyfriend who embraces my differences, even when he doesn't understand them, and is always supportive. It's great!!!

One thing about my ex though....and perhaps this is true in your case too...as much criticism as he threw my way, the SELF criticism he heard in his head was much worse. I always thought it must be very sad to live like that.

I'm pretty comfortable in my own skin, so I was able to withstand his criticism pretty well. I feel a bit sorry for his young new wife, I hope she's stronger than she looks and can survive when the honeymoon wears off and his negativity kicks back in.

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CALI for me it is the little girl abandoned by her dad talking in my head. Any criticism from H would trigger her. She was not important, not worthy, not good enough. I am happy that I have seen that today as that is something I really need to fix within myself. I know now that I need to be true to who I am, regardless of others opinion. I will also set boundaries with H if any criticism comes out.

KML, at Bday, H voiced how much it bothered him that I don't like getting my hair wet when I swim, among many other things. I do believe if D was to happen, it would be because of these petty issues. Sad thing is, we have a lot in common, he is just so focused on those outdoorsy physical things. Could just be the MLC talking too. He hasn't done one of things that he can't live without since BD.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2562045 04/28/15 09:42 PM
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SO I am in tears right now. Just feeling really frustrated. Came home for lunch and dog is not here. H must have decided to keep her, (he had S last night and normally drops her off in the morning with S's things) Shouldn't he run it by me when he changes the plan or am I not being "flexible"? We got that dog for S and the plan was that they go back and forth as a package. But every once in a while he will keep her longer with no regard for S and I. Or the cat that truly misses her!

I am pIssed but not reaCTING. I almost got in my truck and drove there to get her, let him come home to no dog with no explanaTION and see how it feels. But I stopped myself.

I know, like I said, he is in a really lonely world right now. I can sense it. Do I let it go and just mention to please communicate with me when he does this? Or do I once again put on my mommy hat with him and lay down the law?? Maybe he wasn't comfortable bringing her in his work truck after all?

I can survive without her for a few days. And I will check to see how S feels about it. But I am so sick of him changing the RULES whenever he Damn well feels like it!


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2562058 04/28/15 10:08 PM
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Ok. Deep breath. I TM H asking if he had dog because she is not here. H just called. Said that it was cold this morning and they didn't have time to get her in the back of the truck and tie her up. He apologized for not letting me know, forgot that I go home at lunch, didn't mean to scare me and that she is safe. Said he will bring her later or tomorrow.

I did good, just listened and said ok, I just got worried because he would normally let me know. He again apologized.

I will talk to S, but I wonder if they also realized that it's really not safe for her in his new truck. He will never admit to that because I argued with him about that last night. She has to stand on top of a tool box that raises her about half way up the bed and I was not comfortable with that. Not sure if this will be a problem for us now. Most important is that she is safe. I am calmed down and appreciate that he called, but not sure how we are going to coordinate her custody!


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2562120 04/29/15 01:24 AM
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Ok time for me to step back and regroup. I am feeling......out of sorts. Dumb little things are setting me off with H. I am watching CNN and all the unrest in the world, in our own country, and here I am freaking out about my H keeping my dog without asking......

Time to refocus and remember the bigger things in life. I need to turn my brain off from this for a while. I am burnt out on my H's MLC drama right now. Its Break time smile


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2562267 04/29/15 11:47 AM
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I'm sorry that the little things are setting you off...but you have to remember that your H isn't thinking clearly right now. For example, they tend to forget things, their empathy chips are broken and as "teenagers", they don't always tell us things. Let's use the dog drop off example. He completely forgot to tell you that he wasn't bringing the dog home because it was cold out. In his mind, he thought it was okay and you would realize how cold it was. Never in his wildest dreams did he think to put the dog up front w/them when he brought his son home. They don't think w/their intelligent minds because they are only operating on emotions. They can only handle one thing at a time and evidently one thought at a time too.

I'm not making excuses for his behavior, but I wanted to point out that I've seen this many times and they just don't think or remember things like they should. Depression works in strange ways and I do believe it affects the thinking process more so for the crisis people.

Try to think of him as being your son's age. He's a little boy trying to find his way back into the world of maturity. He's Peter Pan lost in the forest of Neverland and it's going to take him a while to find his way back home. Dig deeper for patience because you will need a shovel to keep the patience going.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Trust me Job, I know the teenage mentality I am dealing with, and getting tired of it. You know what I think it comes down to? I have become like a farmer with a shot gun protecting his crops. I feel so protective of my family, my home and everything in it, from H and anything to do with him. The smallest things send me into shooting......

The problem is also that we agreed dog stays with S, and H once again decided to change the rules to serve himself. S was not happy last night, wanted dog home......

So we had some exchange last night, I will go over that later. Right now, I am thinking about going to get dog and take her home on my lunch hour. I really don't want to make a huge deal of this, but I honestly don't know if she has proper shade and it is in the 80's here today.

Job - is that pushing it? Should I just leave it be and let him explain to S why dog is not home, leave it on him to handle?


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2562472 04/29/15 08:15 PM
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I understand your concern about the dog and your son. However, I think your h should be the one to bring the down back home to his son. By going to get the dog, you are alleviating your h from his responsibility of ensuring that the dog is returned home to your son.

Call him up and advise him that your son wasn't happy about the dog not being there last night and to please make arrangements to bring the dog home, i.e., even if this means meeting him halfway...but he needs to explain why things went south to his son.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Job, thank you. I agree and decided not to go any further with this. I hope my sweet girl is comfortable and will hope for the best. This is H's issue to handle now.

So again, we have an agreement between S and dog, they stay together. She is S's dog and his comfort. H decided to keep her yesterday, and told S to let me know when I picked him up after work. When I found out, H told me he would bring her home last night. Here is part of our text exchange last night starting at 7:30:

H:........I can bring dog over tomorrow after work unless you wanted to come get her. I have some things to prepare before my meetings this week so I won't have time tonight.

Me: ........as far as dog, it can't always be about your schedule, we matter too, and our time. It's a school night, got homework and our own stuff to do, and we are not happy she is not here that was your responsibility, but that's on you.

10 pm H: I think it is ok if I have dog for more than one night at a time..you have kitten and S of course....I don't think having her for a couple of days should cause you to try to make me feel guilty...at least it's not....

Me this morning: I totally understand you wanting to spend more time with dog. I really do. I thought we had agreed dog stays with S? Then you will decide on a whim differently, based on what works best for you. It becomes all about you. And please don't ask our 8 year old son to relay messages for you. You should communicate directly with me, not through son. Did you tell him you were going to bring dog home last night? Does she have proper shade? Because there was none when I picked them up on Friday. That is what goes through my mind, not so much that you have her.....and please know, I am not angry, bitter, being difficult or trying to make you feel guilty. I want to get along, I want to keep the peace. I am happier than I have been in a really long time, I had no idea how much our issues were dragging me down until I was set free, so thank you for that. All I ask is that you be considerate, keep your word, do what you say you are going to do. If you want dog more, than let's all talk about it so we know what to expect.

Not pretty, not fun. Thing is, I have come to feel like a person trying to keep structure and order in an a really crappy situation.
S and I like routine, not surprises. H has called enough of the shots with his emotional disruption. I am fighting back now when pushed. IDK, just the way I feel these days. Have not heard anything from H.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2562752 04/30/15 02:22 PM
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H brought dog home last night. He arrived right when S and I were sitting down to eat. I invited him to stay and eat with us, he did. More like scarfed! Lol. We all had good conversation, it was nice. I am glad we were able to get past the last few days and exchanges we have had. Time to keep moving forward.

H brought up switching days this weekend, said it would be better for me, which I didn't agree and figure it's really about him....but. I just said that I am fine keeping the schedule the way it is. If it's really about him wanting to make plans out on the night he is supposed to have his S, then he just needs to be honest with me. We would work it out. Isn't there a big fight Saturday night..........just guessing what might really be up........


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2562760 04/30/15 02:35 PM
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mleigh

I think one of the toughest things with MLC is just the insane selfishness, seems it hits a level where the MLCr has no knowledge people are sharing the planet with them, they almost seem shocked that others might even dare to have feelings or thoughts on things like them switching schedules and plans on a whim. I know my W would be really nice and talk me into switching a nice for ... insert whatever here, usually was a lie. Provided they get what they want seems its all smooth sailing, however I found when I needed the favor returned it was met with extreme pushback. So after one or two rounds I decided the schedule was the schedule and I was not going go out of my way to make things easy .... call it a mini boundary or maybe like you I was just to the point I needed to push back just to feel the emotional journey was only controlling her life and not mine.

And yes, Pacquiao vs Mayweather is Saturday night. laugh


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



CaliGuy #2562900 04/30/15 08:16 PM
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Yes Cali, you hit a point there. I think that is what is happening, I have hit a point where I need to voice and act on my boundaries. I know Job has been pushing me to do this for quite some time now smile.

Thing is, it's hard for me. I love helping people and doing things for people. I feel like I am being difficult when I stand my ground or say no. Especially to my H. I am aware he is going through a tough time and that would be the only way I could "help" him, by cooperating with his every wish. But enough is enough and I see where they start to take advantage. Of course , if we need to switch nights with S, I am totally open to that and always have been, I may need the favor returned......

Some things I noticed in spending some time with H last night. He seems very scattered, overwhelmed to a point. He mentioned that work has been a lot for him lately. He was distracted by his phone, setting up a play date with our friends kids on Saturday. I asked him if it's ok that I work on renewing S's passport as it expired this year. We either have to both be with him in person or he would need to sign an affidavit, he agreed right away no problem, that he would try to be there he then mentioned he should check his passport and that he really needed a vacation away badly. Not sure if he meant that as in joining us or on his own. ... He was like a mini tornado last night......

Moving forward........ smile


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2562934 04/30/15 09:59 PM
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mleigh ... like you .. I am/was a total 'Fixer/Pleaser' and I think working on this helped. One of the things I discovered was the after affects. Take last year for example, W's Bday and she told me OM was out of the picture, so I 180'd and booked a trip up to SB for the weekend, she loved the idea, and we had a good time .. I will not say great because looking back she was still all about OM, turns out he forgot her Bday or never knew .. who knows but thats was what happened. I swooped in and did the Fix/Please thing. Then I was upset at how I was treated after ... why? I felt taken advantage of ... but if you look at it from above, she did not ask for any of my actions, I did them thinking I was fixing/pleasing ... in other words I had expectations ... I realized I should only be upset at myself.

Originally Posted By: mleigh4
Thing is, it's hard for me. I love helping people and doing things for people. I feel like I am being difficult when I stand my ground or say no. Especially to my H. I am aware he is going through a tough time and that would be the only way I could "help" him, by cooperating with his every wish. But enough is enough and I see where they start to take advantage. Of course , if we need to switch nights with S, I am totally open to that and always have been, I may need the favor returned......


^^ See?? you and I have the same issue to adress. We can not fix this nor help them. Its their journey. I picture someone drowning and if we get to close they just pull us down with them. Its horrible to see them suffer and your instinct is to help your spouse, but by helping here its more like enabling them. They have to hit bottom, and THAT seems to be a different spot/point for everyone.

I think the whole deal on switching nights ... well what I did anyways, I was always very open to taking S more nights, the more the better. Part of me figured ... sure he and I can work on our R more, I can be the solid rock, awesome father ... W can do what she wants, the more she does her thing, spends more time with OM, spends more time alone, has time away from the people who actually care about her unconditionally ... the faster the process will go, HOWEVER ... there were times I had to say no, took the approach of .. this is what you asked for .. this is what you get, I have plans and I will not FIX your wants nor help you cake eat. Its a fine line to balance, it really is ... trust your gut, whatever you decide to do just do it from a place where you are good with things regardless of what H id doing.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



CaliGuy #2563598 05/02/15 09:43 PM
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Cali, I too find myself doing nice things for H without being asked, then getting upset that it wasn't appreciated. I also feel I can be too available and open to things. Time to change that up a bit while still being true to who I am, find a balance that works for me.

H had S Thursday evening, but had to bring him home instead of have him overnight because he had a 6:30 am meeting. Bonus time for S and I.

Friday was a nice quiet night with all my babies home (S, dog and cat), my favorite kind of night.

Tonight is H's weekend with S. He came and picked him up and was also able to book a last minute play date foR him because his other buddy had to cancel. H actually set it up to all meet here, then took the boys with him. The mom, who I really like a lot, but haven't talked to in a while, was a little thrown off that H doesn't live here anymore. I have learned to keep it short and simple....We are doing another trial separation, better friends than ever, hoping we can work things out, time and patience will tell. I really hate trying to figure out what to say, you know?

So I have been invited to a party to watch this big fight everyone is talking about. Looking forward to it.

Also going to book a mini cruise for S and I this weekend to take in July. I have decided to proceed with the plan of it being just S and I. I am not going to invite H. I have thought a lot about it, it would be pretty awkward to go together under the current circumstances. I want to be able to enjoy myself and get away from all this! H had mentioned before that he may join us, but I will deal with that if it comes up, which I am thinking it won't. So anyway, S and I are really excited about it!

I have been reading the story of Reaching Higher in the archives. It has been helpful to redirect my perspective.

Something that popped in my mind this morning. I wonder sometimes, could I be happier with someone else? Is H the wrong person for me? Then I think about good times and how much I love him, how much we have been through together. My heart tells me this, it's not the person, it's the relationship. The key is fixing and changing the relationship, not the person. And that starts with changes in me.

Our 12 year wedding anniversary is in 2 weeks. Really dreading having to "ignore" it another year. It's just looming out there....

mleigh4 #2564399 05/05/15 04:10 AM
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Rough night tonight. But I will start with the weekend. Saturday night I went with friends to watch the fight. This is a real 180 for me as I normally don't like going places where I don't know the people there, my 2 friends were the only people I knew. The last year, I am doing this a lot and really enjoying meeting new people. I had a great time.

Sunday morning, I got up and headed to grocery store. I was expecting to be getting S around 1 or 2, as in the past. H texted that they were on their way at 11:30. I was still at the grocery store, so I TM back that I was not home, but would be in about 1/2 hour, and that they could hang at the house if he wanted until I get there. I sent, then looked at it and thought, maybe I should let him know where I was, didn't want it to look like I wasn't home from the night before, or out with someone, I usually am very open about what I am doing. Then, I stopped and remembered all the times my mind swarmed for hours wondering where H was, and I thought, I don't need to tell him anything. Maybe he cares, maybe he doesn't, let's test it out.

He didn't show up at my place for another hour. Definitely with an attitude and would not even look me in the eye at first. Very interesting, maybe he does care?

Had a wonderful Sunday with son relaxing.

So on to tonight. It is H night with S. I offered to pick up S and take him, bonus time for me and H normally can't make it home until close to 6. Was time to go, and S just had a total meltdown. Said he wanted to stay home and that he doesn't like going there. We talked a bit, but he said mainly its because he misses me. I assured him I miss him too, but so does daddy and it's important that he spend time with him. It went on and on, so I TM H that we were having a rough time, told him what was going on and asked if he wanted to try talking to S. So H spoke with him, S told him he doesn't like going there, and H asked to talk to me.

It went ok, but H had to start bringing up that he has S do more chores than I do, assured me he is not criticizing, but he thinks that could be it. I listened and told H that we have different parenting styles, that is common, and that he will need to work this out with S. I also reminded him that S is still adjusting to the back and forth. To try and be patient with him. He again started with the chores, so I gave some reasons for why I don't have him do certain things, which H actually commented on not realizing my reason. One of them being putting my clothes in the dryer, which my MIL so excitedly pointed out that H has S do and I should too. I explained to H that I don't want my S going through my underwear and that it is past time that his mother mind her own business. H insisted he doesn't talk to her about this stuff which is a down and out lie, she loves to fuel the fire.

MIL is obsessed with "studies" and what children "should" be doing, I get lovely emails all the time. She has 3 totally emotionally screwed up children, but hey, they do their own laundry! I wont argue that! But anyway, we both agreed it best to force S to go, otherwise he will keep pulling this.

So it was a horrible 20 minute drive of S sobbing the entire time. We talked, and at one point. I told S how much his dad loves him and how much it means to him to spend time with him. I told S, I bet you totally cheer daddy up, this is all hard for him too and being with S makes him happy. That calmed S down. I also assured him it was fine to feel sad, that it was normal, and that I get sad too.

I have seen many posts on here about the children not liking being with the MLC'er. Seems pretty common? Do the children sense the unstable environment? Is it best to force the visitation on them? I hate that the most innocent have to be stuck in the middle. I wish H would put his focus on the emotional damage he is causing his son instead how well his son will be able to clean up after himself.

mleigh4 #2564408 05/05/15 04:33 AM
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Something to add to my above post. Parenting is a real sore spot for me. I have felt ganged up on by H and his mother ever since S was born. They have been very open with their disapproval of my relationship with S, constantly criticizing and accusing me of coddling my child. H knows the sore spot and continues to take jabs.

Thing is, I am no longer afraid to stand up for myself. I am no longer afraid to make H mad. I have no problem standing my ground and am DONE with their comments. It may not be helping my marriage, but again, I am no longer living with that fear anymore. It feels great to speak up for myself!


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2564434 05/05/15 07:42 AM
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You go girl! You are a GREAT mom!

MIL is just in denial that her son is messed up. He's weird and she's weird too.

U know my sitch. MIL & FIL are enablers of the childish behavior.

You don't have to ignore your anniversary. Celebrate that it was a part of your life that produced a great S.

My anniversary is coming up too - 21 yrs it would've been but I won't celebrate it with H - I'll just celebrate a part of my life that I totally committed to.

Anyway, I'm proud of you! You're doing GREAT! You've got this!

Cheering in your corner.

In His Love

VGE1

Romans 8:28

vge1 #2564572 05/05/15 05:29 PM
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mleigh

Yeah, I can relate so well to your sitch. My S8 does not care to be with W, not because he does not love her, but because she is all over the boards emotionally ... this has seemed to change a bit over the past month(s), W just mentioned this morning how S was better when she is dropping him off at school, even gave her a kiss while she had lipstick on... I laughed, she asked if I have been talking to him about it, which I have, planting little seeds but told her I thought the bigger part of it was the way W has been the past month or two, more stable and allowing S to feel more at ease. She actually seen where I was coming from.

I would sense your S can tell Daddy just is not "Daddy" right now, my son actually told me he thought mom was kind of sleep walking, how spot on and observant is that ... so yes .. at 8 your kiddo knows, and you are the rock right now, the one he knows he can turn to.

I still expressed to S it was important to spend time with his Mom, she loved him, but yeah the really dark MLC days (I pray are behind us) were tough and there is still some bridge repair work that needs to be done there.

Hang in there, you are a wonderful Mother, and yeah .. the MIL thing ... I laugh at that too, my FIL and MIL on the outside seem like great people but they have 5 pretty messed up adults they have released into the wild, must have been a crazy childhood from what I gather.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



CaliGuy #2565604 05/08/15 04:07 AM
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Vge1, thanks for your support, it goes a long way. To say MIL is weird is putting it nicely. Unfortunately, the woman has no class, in a weird innocent fake way, but H thinks she walks on water. A real problem in our R.

Cali, as always thank you for your Jedi input, you have a very helpful perception of thinks that helps me think things out.

So the day after our rough drop off, I talked to my mom, filled her in. Not sure when I will learn. She got really upset, that Sicilian temper, and started in with how I need to fight for my son, how this is all so terrible for S. Here comes my huge 180. You all know, my S is my world, but I actually found myself defending H. I reminded her that H is trying to establish a relationship with S, that he genuinely wants to spend time with S, not to mention the financial support he gives us to keep us in our home. I asked her, would you prefer he went aol, like my father? Our S needs to spend time with his dad, I told her that I have no reason to fight that, and promised to keep the lines of communication with S open to help him adjust. Wow, a real lightbulb moment for me towards H.

So, I booked a cruise for S and I! We are super excited. I triple checked with H that he was ok with this, but did not invite him. This is where I am feeling some guilt. I have been tempted to invite him, but that is based on us going as a family, having fun together, having my H be my H. Then I remind myself, he is not that man anymore and I just don't see us having a good time. More like a lot of awkwardness. So, I stay quiet, no invite coming from me. Makes me sad, but that is just the way it is right now. S and I will have a great time.

Last night was my dogs 4th bday, so I made her a hamburger pattie and put candles on it, and ya, S and I sang her happy birthday. The picture of the Pattie, candles with dog and S is adorable. So I TM it to H and he replied that he was sad he wasn't invited to the party. Oops.....and really?.....

Easy drop off with S tonight, still very little contact from H. It remains very quiet...


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2565654 05/08/15 12:28 PM
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I'm glad you went ahead and booked the cruise for your and your son. Both of you will have a great time. I do understand how it makes you sad about not inviting your h, but he's the one that needs to figure things out. He could have piped up and said he wanted to go too when you told him about it...but he didn't.

As for the birthday party...I think it was cute and I bet your son and dog had a great time. I can just see that dog blowing out the candle. LOL!

Enjoy your weekend!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2566158 05/09/15 10:29 PM
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Thank you Job. I am definitely in a place of....this is what he wanted so he can have it. As for me and S, we continue to live, laugh and have fun. H continues to miss out on these good times, but his choice, not mine. I have invited H on every trip, this is the first time I have not come out with a direct invitation. I am at the point where I don't want to hear the lame resons for the no. If he wants to join us, he has to speak up. That thought process helps me to drop the guilt.

I am looking back at the last few months. H really made an effort to spend some quality time with S and I with dinner, movies, visits......then just like that it stopped. So I figure he must have been peaking out of the tunnel for a bit, but decided to scurry back in smile The good thing is, I have kept on doing my own thing without missing a beat. I noticed it, accepted it, and it didn't get me down. I didn't and still don't read anything into it. Just sitting by and observing. I feel good being able to do that.

11th wedding anniversary is still looming in my mind next week. I like Vge1's idea, to celebrate it myself instead of ignore it. Because I don't regret it, it was a wonderful day and should not be ignored.

To my genuine surprise, H TMd asking if I would like to be taken to breakfast tomorrow morning or for him to come make it. Wow, did not see that coming. At first, I got a huge smile, not going to lie, then it went to not wanting to be so available and I actually considered passing. But after some thought, I thanked him for the offer and accepted the offer for homemade breakfast. Why not?

To all the mother's onboard, I wish you all a wonderful Mothers Day! I asked my son for nothing but a thousand kisses smile It's all I need.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2566416 05/11/15 01:05 AM
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Happy Mother's Day to all the amazing people on this board. I hope you were all able to have a nice day with your children.

H came over this morning. The last few visits, he has knocked at the front door. Not sure why, but I never say anything. This morning, he walked right in. Even more interesting to me... I was in my room getting dressed from my shower. I could hear him hugging S and playing with the dog. I figured I would give them their space for a few minutes. Then it got quiet and I could hear footsteps getting closer and he walked right into my room and bathroom, cat in his arms, to say hi. I just find it interesting he felt comfortable enough to do that since he is normally much more standoffish lately. The ongoing roller coaster I guess.

Breakfast was good, we had a nice time. He seemed comfortable and focused today. Before he left, we went over some stuff about S and this week, a birthday party next weekend for S to go to. I let H know I booked the cruise and reminded him I need a document signed and notarized to renew S's passport. H asked what the date was of our trip. I told him and added, as always, that he is welcome. It just came out, seemed like the right thing to say. He asked me to text him the dates, I told him all the info is in our joint email. Ball is in his court on that now.

I am reading a book by Laura Munson, "this is not the story you think it is" I am halfway through it, a great MLC story so far. She so gets it, explains the reasons why she lets him go and why she doesn't believe it is about her, but about him. She struggles and stumbles sometimes, but gets back on that path again. I just nod my head over and over and am so happy it makes sense to me because 20 months ago, it would not have! I feel like I have come a long way smile Still got work to do though, but in such a better frame of mind to do it.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2566579 05/11/15 03:42 PM
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Reading your updates .. its impossible to not walk away impressed with how you are handling this big ball of mess. With total grace, it just shouts what kind of person you are, your H one day will wake up and hopefully realize all this ... I pray he does.

Not much advice I can give ya .. you seem to have it all locked down. Reading your tidbit about the anniversary .. thats a good way to go about it I think. Mine is coming up next month... I recall last year W and I were really not on good terms, I remember looking at her, its strange but looking back at times she gave me this soft look, almost letting me know without saying it that she was still in there somewhere trying to dig out .. anyways it was that look then she hugged me, so I said "For what its worth ... Happy Anniversary" She hugged me hard and whispered in my ear "Its not till tomorrow, you always got the date confused..... but thank you" I still find it funny, all the MLC stuff and their memory being horrible .. I usually tried not to focus on that because honestly mine is worse ...lol


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



CaliGuy #2566702 05/11/15 08:37 PM
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Cali, that is a funny story, made me laugh. I have been trying to figure out a way to acknowledge our upcoming anniversary in a simple no guilt, no drama, no gushy way. I think you just did that for me, I like it! AND I know the date, but may very much catch H off guard, he may not remember. I had some other ideas, but I like your way. Mind if I borrow it?

How do other posters handle the wedding anniversary? I suppose it depends on the individual situation, but what do you do when you are in constant contact and on decent terms?


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2567884 05/15/15 02:10 AM
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Today is my 11 year wedding anniversary. To my surprise, no flowers were delivered to my work. HA! Ya right. I was not surprised. I dropped off son tonight with him, and when leaving, pulled the Cali move and said, for what it's worth, Happy Anniversary. I went in for a hug and could see shock cross his face. He either had no idea, or he was caught off guard by my bringing it up. He hugged me back, but did not say anything. Not one thing.

I drove off thinking, this is the last year this is happening buddy. This [censored]! I should be sipping a $15 glass of wine and looking into my husband's eyes over candlelight. This is bull and I feel pissed! Robbed! Dooped!

Tomorrow is a new day, another hump hopped over on the lovely path of MLC.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2567981 05/15/15 01:52 PM
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Happy Belated Anniversary!

I'm sorry he didn't recognize the date. Even though he wasn't there to celebrate it w/you, I do hope that you've got something special planned to celebrate that date. Purchase some flowers, go out to dinner and definitely have that glass of wine. You are the prize and you deserve to be treated as the prize, even if you have to do it yourself.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2567989 05/15/15 02:16 PM
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Please do something nice for yourself, don't make it anniversary related at all, but just to feel a little better, treat yourself
new outfit, shoes, mani/pedi, new dvd anything do something for you.

Good job on how you handle it with your H.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
2BHappy #2567998 05/15/15 02:26 PM
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Sorry that your H did not recognize the day ..... I do think they are in a time capsule and he probably has no idea life is going on for the rest of us while he is stuck.

I agree ^^ Do something nice for yourself


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



CaliGuy #2568182 05/15/15 08:40 PM
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Happy 11th! I agree, do something nice for yourself.


Was made a better person by DB'ers
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Am in same sitch mleigh.

I don't know what's going to happen either - or how to handle (??!) anniversary sitch.

Last year h acknowledged it - as a matter of fact, he brought it up & took me out! shocked However, it was strange I think b/c it wasn't real. He was crumbing - we ate, paid bill & returned home. All this while he was smiling & talkative - w/subtle animation, 'artificial'. Dinner talk was pleasant enough but disconnected & 'empty'. I put up a brave front. I was positive as db advised but this was 2 months or so into mlc, so I was really hurting internallly. Very weird when I think back.
(btw For Mother's Day last year - there was no mention of anything just like this year - go figure or maybe NOT!!!)

I have NO expectations re anniversary. He is aware that I am not fooled by crumbing etc b/c of certain incidents that have occured during the past year. It's different if you believe that you're fooling someone so h may view 2015 as 'waste of time.' He may reiterate that he is low on $$ which I know, so this will work out quite conveniently. Who knows?
Will see how it goes ...

I was planning to (casually) dress up a bit, fix my hair even if I just craft away at home or do dishes laugh Doing my feet & nails tomorrow. Something to make me feel good in spite of the past cruelty & neglect, & still feel pretty regardless of increasing wrinkles, & growing sagging skin (unlike the 'fine young things' blush h has been after!!)

You need to do something to make up for the anniversary. I agree with the above posters. Do something for yourself, a FEEL GOOD ('make up for me') plan, ok? wink


pbetra
----
M: 15 yrs (in 2014)
BD: 6/03/2014
Infidelity ('known' from July 2014)
Denied PA Feb 2015
2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact.
Back briefly 2017 (after family death)
Separated 2017

pbetra #2568273 05/16/15 01:29 AM
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mleigh4 Offline OP
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Thank you so much everyone. The support here is incredible, NO ONE understands. I got silence from mom and what do you expect... You are separated? from boss. I had a nice pity party, tears and all, and am now back to myself. Again, THANK YOU.

I will do exactly as you say. Something nice for me smile S will be with H tomorrow and I have plans with friends.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2571360 05/25/15 02:25 AM
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I feel like I have not been here in quite a while! I have been GAL in an exhausting way, but all good. Having lots of fun. The weather has been good, spring fever is in the air, and I have invitations to do things left and right. I have no complaints! A few "ouches", but no complaints.

Last weekend went out with friends and let loose a little more than normal since S was with H. When H dropped off S that Sunday, I was a little slower than normal, I could see H watching me. He mentioned that he called a guy about some lab puppies, watching my response. I just said, oh. Inside? ouch. This is not ending any time soon, is it guys? Ya, I think this is a long term separation. It's ok, I figured and really do expect and accept that.

H called me on Monday, had a last minute early morning meeting come up and asked if he could bring S home that night instead of have him over. Actually, he asked if I was going to be home to bring him. For some reason, that is strange to me, where else would I be at 9 on a work night? I hesitated a little, only because I was still catching up from the weekend. H asked me, why are you so tired?? I told him I just had a busy weekend, not enough rest. So he brought S home, and his long surfer hair was cut off. It had Grammy written all over it. I won't go into it other than once again, H and his mother made a decision I should have been part of, without me. And yes, Grammy cut it. S said he liked it, so I decided to do a 180. Normally I would have flipped out a bit. Instead, I sent H and Grammy a text, saying the shock has worn off, (they know I love his hair on the long side, but it's his hair!), and that they did a good job. Well, Grammy had to poke at me, calling his hair shaggy, saying this is better so he fits in (?) and saying it's time to get him back in swim lessons. I didn't bite, let it go. H didn't reply to her either.

Wednesday we met up for S open house at school. As we were leaving, H said why don't I get the little dog I have always wanted and he will take our lab. Ouch! I said no and gave him my sad face. He is obsessed with having a dog. Makes me sad, he must be feeling lonely? But also makes me feel good. If he was living the dream or had himself OW, I don't think he would care so much about having a dog.

Thursday I took the day off to chaperone a field trip with S. Had a blast! Such precious memories with him. After, we went to appt to renew his passport. After, we headed to H for drop off. H had a dentist appt by our house and had mentioned he would pick up dog. Instead, he asked me if I would go back and get her to bring with S. At first, I thought ok. Then I thought, NO! He has lost his privilege of asking me for favors. Some nerve I think. And S has told me he doesn't care if dog is with him at daddy's or not, plus, I can't get her in my truck. So when we pulled up, I could see him looking for her. He said, no dog? I just no, with a smile. This dog thing needs to stop. S and I have been forced to adjust to so many changes these last 2 years, now he wants to take our dog?

Enough. This is her home, which he chose to leave. His choice. He needs to get himself a dog. I am tired of the back and forth with her.

This weekend, I have S. We had friends over on Saturday, my girlfriend and her teenage daughter slept over. Got up and went to breakfast and then to local festival. S and I are exhausted! As soon as we got home, H texted asking if we wanted to go to Costco with him. S said no, and I agreed so I let H know we were pooped and how are weekend went. He was getting some stuff for us so I also let him know it could wait another week if he wanted to go next weekend. He said he would let me know, haven't heard back from him.

Hmmmm. I wonder if it bothers him, knowing we are having people over and not inviting him? The festival was literally down the street from him, but no, I didn't invite him to that either. As far as I am concerned, if he wanted to enjoy living life with S and I, he would not have left. I hope that is sinking in with him. We are living, having fun, moving on without him. His friends, our friends, are enjoying S and I, without him.

I don't mean to sound mean, but it's how I feel. Something tells me that is starting to sink in with him. I wonder where that will take him?


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2571407 05/25/15 11:17 AM
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You don't sound mean at all. You and your son are living your life and continuing to move forward. Your h chose to move out and not be a part of a family. As for the dog, I don't blame you and it's not like the dog is a child that needs to go back and forth. He can get a pup and raise it at his place if he needs to relive that part of his childhood.

Now, about his mother, I would be furious that she didn't discuss the haircut w/you. She is acting like your child is her child. I think you are going to need to set some boundaries because granny is trying to be a mother to your child and your h isn't speaking up about it. Sorry, but that's what I'm getting from your postings. Granny needs boundaries.

You sound like you've been extremely busy and it's catching up w/you. I hope you'll take a little bit of time out today and just relax.

You are doing great! Slow down just a bit, breathe and relax a bit. GALing can wear you out if you aren't careful w/it and take do it in small pieces.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2571513 05/25/15 05:25 PM
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mleigh4 Offline OP
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Job, you are spot on about Grammy acting like S is her son and not mine. This has been going on for years and has been a big tension issue between H and I, because he does nothing. She feels she only needs to go through H, and does not respect me as a partner to H and mother to my son.

I am not sure how to go about the boundaries. I guess the next time something comes up I will have a talk with her. As for H, he has never backed me on issues with her. Do I try talking to him too? I feel he should have at least texted me when they sat down S for a haircut, to let me know.

H has a strange relationship with her. They were never close, he rarely spoke with her. Since BD, they are BFF's. It may be because she tore their family apart and they get each other? She seems to justify his actions, even when I used to talk about things in the beginning with her. Like I have said before, I have always felt ganged up on by them. It's time to stand up to her, like I have learned to do with H.

I can do this, with dignity and grace smile

I have been invited to a bbq today, but I feel like I need to rest! I will get a steak, grill up some veggies and chillax today! Thanks Job!

Last edited by mleigh4; 05/25/15 05:27 PM.

Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2571603 05/25/15 10:09 PM
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So, did you go to the bbq or did you stay home and rest? Either one would have been enjoyable.

In a very nice way, you will need to advise granny that you are your son's mother and that you and your h will make decisions that will be in his best interest, not granny. Granny didn't do such a hot job the first time around and I would hate to see your son have some authority issues later on in life. Guess granny wants to try one more time to figure out why her son went off into the sunset. Oh well...I know you'll be there for son and won't allow her to interfere too much.

Well, it looks like you need to start a new thread. I think I just flipped the total to 101.

I do hope you had an enjoyable day.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2571645 05/26/15 01:40 AM
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mleigh4 Offline OP
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Thank you Job. I stayed home and cleaned another closet! I am not good at resting these days.

Got a text from Grammy as Monday's are Grammy days, she said she was on her way to pick up S from school, unless he wasn't at school, to please let her know. I replied right away that we were all home for the holiday. She replied "I kind of thought so. Let me figure out what day I can pick him up this week. I will let you know"

^^^and there you have it. H and I have a schedule, it is not her decision to pick up S on one of our days instead of us. Not her call at all. And no, it will not be on one of my days, my time with him is gold, and I am just so sick of her. So it needs to be on H day. So I replied exactly that. I said, "It would need to be Thursday if any day" No response. Like mother like son, so scary.


H came over, hung out for about an hour before taking son. IDK, I felt really uncomfortable, kind of wanted him to leave. Not sure why....While son was in the other room getting dressed (yes we spent the entire day in our jammies!) I asked H to please let me know next time he decides to give S haircut, just a courtesy text. He said he thought I wanted S to get haircut. I said yes, a trim, not butchered off. I said that was a decision I should have been part of, not his mom. I said, she is not his mother. He said, but S asked her to cut it and I was there. I said, yes, and I really do appreciate that you took care of it, just please include me in it. Just an FYI text at least. He rolled his eyes. So I said, as usual, you can give a rat's ass about how I feel, but I will let you and her know anyway.

Ok, not proud of my last comment, that's the old me and she popped out in response to the eyeroll. Dang it! I was doing good until then, so I STFU.

So things got light again, I made a point of some joking around. He looked online at some shelters for a dog. I suggested a friend who has some good dog connections. So when him and S were leaving, he called dog to go. I said, are you taking her? He said ya. I asked, but you are looking to get a dog? He answered ya, but in a really unsure way, then He said, why don't you just get a little dog like you wanted? I calmly grabbed her collar, and while putting it on her said because she is my dog, this is her home and we love her. I said S and I have had to adjust to enough changes, you don't need to take our dog too. H said nothing.

Well, he must be thinking, that was a fun visit! Lol. I don't know why I feel like such a villain when I speak my mind with him. Something I really need to figure out because I know disagreements are healthy, I guess it's just the way you handle it. I need lots of help with my relationship skills and am so ready to learn.

Weird for me tonight, having H here. The dynamics have changed so much since he left, he felt like an intruder to me. Must be part of that protective shell I have covered my home with, I feel on full alert when he is on home turf. It's so sad, that it has become this way. More for me to think about and work on.

Time for a new thread...


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2571799 05/26/15 03:02 PM
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mleigh

That haircut thing would have set me off .. that and the fact that MIL and H seem to have paired up in lala land. I would imagine that tandem to be quite frustrating.

I do find myself lately maybe a little where you are, life is at peace without all the crisis crap when they are not around ... the closer they get the more I do not care for my environment to be impacted , its like building a sand castle and they come in and stomp around like a clumsy elephant, not on purpose, its just their way .. we bite our lip and go back and fix up our castle ... rinse/repeat .. it does get taxing.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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