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CaliGuy #2563598 05/02/15 09:43 PM
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Cali, I too find myself doing nice things for H without being asked, then getting upset that it wasn't appreciated. I also feel I can be too available and open to things. Time to change that up a bit while still being true to who I am, find a balance that works for me.

H had S Thursday evening, but had to bring him home instead of have him overnight because he had a 6:30 am meeting. Bonus time for S and I.

Friday was a nice quiet night with all my babies home (S, dog and cat), my favorite kind of night.

Tonight is H's weekend with S. He came and picked him up and was also able to book a last minute play date foR him because his other buddy had to cancel. H actually set it up to all meet here, then took the boys with him. The mom, who I really like a lot, but haven't talked to in a while, was a little thrown off that H doesn't live here anymore. I have learned to keep it short and simple....We are doing another trial separation, better friends than ever, hoping we can work things out, time and patience will tell. I really hate trying to figure out what to say, you know?

So I have been invited to a party to watch this big fight everyone is talking about. Looking forward to it.

Also going to book a mini cruise for S and I this weekend to take in July. I have decided to proceed with the plan of it being just S and I. I am not going to invite H. I have thought a lot about it, it would be pretty awkward to go together under the current circumstances. I want to be able to enjoy myself and get away from all this! H had mentioned before that he may join us, but I will deal with that if it comes up, which I am thinking it won't. So anyway, S and I are really excited about it!

I have been reading the story of Reaching Higher in the archives. It has been helpful to redirect my perspective.

Something that popped in my mind this morning. I wonder sometimes, could I be happier with someone else? Is H the wrong person for me? Then I think about good times and how much I love him, how much we have been through together. My heart tells me this, it's not the person, it's the relationship. The key is fixing and changing the relationship, not the person. And that starts with changes in me.

Our 12 year wedding anniversary is in 2 weeks. Really dreading having to "ignore" it another year. It's just looming out there....

mleigh4 #2564399 05/05/15 04:10 AM
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Rough night tonight. But I will start with the weekend. Saturday night I went with friends to watch the fight. This is a real 180 for me as I normally don't like going places where I don't know the people there, my 2 friends were the only people I knew. The last year, I am doing this a lot and really enjoying meeting new people. I had a great time.

Sunday morning, I got up and headed to grocery store. I was expecting to be getting S around 1 or 2, as in the past. H texted that they were on their way at 11:30. I was still at the grocery store, so I TM back that I was not home, but would be in about 1/2 hour, and that they could hang at the house if he wanted until I get there. I sent, then looked at it and thought, maybe I should let him know where I was, didn't want it to look like I wasn't home from the night before, or out with someone, I usually am very open about what I am doing. Then, I stopped and remembered all the times my mind swarmed for hours wondering where H was, and I thought, I don't need to tell him anything. Maybe he cares, maybe he doesn't, let's test it out.

He didn't show up at my place for another hour. Definitely with an attitude and would not even look me in the eye at first. Very interesting, maybe he does care?

Had a wonderful Sunday with son relaxing.

So on to tonight. It is H night with S. I offered to pick up S and take him, bonus time for me and H normally can't make it home until close to 6. Was time to go, and S just had a total meltdown. Said he wanted to stay home and that he doesn't like going there. We talked a bit, but he said mainly its because he misses me. I assured him I miss him too, but so does daddy and it's important that he spend time with him. It went on and on, so I TM H that we were having a rough time, told him what was going on and asked if he wanted to try talking to S. So H spoke with him, S told him he doesn't like going there, and H asked to talk to me.

It went ok, but H had to start bringing up that he has S do more chores than I do, assured me he is not criticizing, but he thinks that could be it. I listened and told H that we have different parenting styles, that is common, and that he will need to work this out with S. I also reminded him that S is still adjusting to the back and forth. To try and be patient with him. He again started with the chores, so I gave some reasons for why I don't have him do certain things, which H actually commented on not realizing my reason. One of them being putting my clothes in the dryer, which my MIL so excitedly pointed out that H has S do and I should too. I explained to H that I don't want my S going through my underwear and that it is past time that his mother mind her own business. H insisted he doesn't talk to her about this stuff which is a down and out lie, she loves to fuel the fire.

MIL is obsessed with "studies" and what children "should" be doing, I get lovely emails all the time. She has 3 totally emotionally screwed up children, but hey, they do their own laundry! I wont argue that! But anyway, we both agreed it best to force S to go, otherwise he will keep pulling this.

So it was a horrible 20 minute drive of S sobbing the entire time. We talked, and at one point. I told S how much his dad loves him and how much it means to him to spend time with him. I told S, I bet you totally cheer daddy up, this is all hard for him too and being with S makes him happy. That calmed S down. I also assured him it was fine to feel sad, that it was normal, and that I get sad too.

I have seen many posts on here about the children not liking being with the MLC'er. Seems pretty common? Do the children sense the unstable environment? Is it best to force the visitation on them? I hate that the most innocent have to be stuck in the middle. I wish H would put his focus on the emotional damage he is causing his son instead how well his son will be able to clean up after himself.

mleigh4 #2564408 05/05/15 04:33 AM
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Something to add to my above post. Parenting is a real sore spot for me. I have felt ganged up on by H and his mother ever since S was born. They have been very open with their disapproval of my relationship with S, constantly criticizing and accusing me of coddling my child. H knows the sore spot and continues to take jabs.

Thing is, I am no longer afraid to stand up for myself. I am no longer afraid to make H mad. I have no problem standing my ground and am DONE with their comments. It may not be helping my marriage, but again, I am no longer living with that fear anymore. It feels great to speak up for myself!


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2564434 05/05/15 07:42 AM
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You go girl! You are a GREAT mom!

MIL is just in denial that her son is messed up. He's weird and she's weird too.

U know my sitch. MIL & FIL are enablers of the childish behavior.

You don't have to ignore your anniversary. Celebrate that it was a part of your life that produced a great S.

My anniversary is coming up too - 21 yrs it would've been but I won't celebrate it with H - I'll just celebrate a part of my life that I totally committed to.

Anyway, I'm proud of you! You're doing GREAT! You've got this!

Cheering in your corner.

In His Love

VGE1

Romans 8:28

vge1 #2564572 05/05/15 05:29 PM
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mleigh

Yeah, I can relate so well to your sitch. My S8 does not care to be with W, not because he does not love her, but because she is all over the boards emotionally ... this has seemed to change a bit over the past month(s), W just mentioned this morning how S was better when she is dropping him off at school, even gave her a kiss while she had lipstick on... I laughed, she asked if I have been talking to him about it, which I have, planting little seeds but told her I thought the bigger part of it was the way W has been the past month or two, more stable and allowing S to feel more at ease. She actually seen where I was coming from.

I would sense your S can tell Daddy just is not "Daddy" right now, my son actually told me he thought mom was kind of sleep walking, how spot on and observant is that ... so yes .. at 8 your kiddo knows, and you are the rock right now, the one he knows he can turn to.

I still expressed to S it was important to spend time with his Mom, she loved him, but yeah the really dark MLC days (I pray are behind us) were tough and there is still some bridge repair work that needs to be done there.

Hang in there, you are a wonderful Mother, and yeah .. the MIL thing ... I laugh at that too, my FIL and MIL on the outside seem like great people but they have 5 pretty messed up adults they have released into the wild, must have been a crazy childhood from what I gather.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



CaliGuy #2565604 05/08/15 04:07 AM
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mleigh4 Offline OP
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Vge1, thanks for your support, it goes a long way. To say MIL is weird is putting it nicely. Unfortunately, the woman has no class, in a weird innocent fake way, but H thinks she walks on water. A real problem in our R.

Cali, as always thank you for your Jedi input, you have a very helpful perception of thinks that helps me think things out.

So the day after our rough drop off, I talked to my mom, filled her in. Not sure when I will learn. She got really upset, that Sicilian temper, and started in with how I need to fight for my son, how this is all so terrible for S. Here comes my huge 180. You all know, my S is my world, but I actually found myself defending H. I reminded her that H is trying to establish a relationship with S, that he genuinely wants to spend time with S, not to mention the financial support he gives us to keep us in our home. I asked her, would you prefer he went aol, like my father? Our S needs to spend time with his dad, I told her that I have no reason to fight that, and promised to keep the lines of communication with S open to help him adjust. Wow, a real lightbulb moment for me towards H.

So, I booked a cruise for S and I! We are super excited. I triple checked with H that he was ok with this, but did not invite him. This is where I am feeling some guilt. I have been tempted to invite him, but that is based on us going as a family, having fun together, having my H be my H. Then I remind myself, he is not that man anymore and I just don't see us having a good time. More like a lot of awkwardness. So, I stay quiet, no invite coming from me. Makes me sad, but that is just the way it is right now. S and I will have a great time.

Last night was my dogs 4th bday, so I made her a hamburger pattie and put candles on it, and ya, S and I sang her happy birthday. The picture of the Pattie, candles with dog and S is adorable. So I TM it to H and he replied that he was sad he wasn't invited to the party. Oops.....and really?.....

Easy drop off with S tonight, still very little contact from H. It remains very quiet...


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2565654 05/08/15 12:28 PM
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I'm glad you went ahead and booked the cruise for your and your son. Both of you will have a great time. I do understand how it makes you sad about not inviting your h, but he's the one that needs to figure things out. He could have piped up and said he wanted to go too when you told him about it...but he didn't.

As for the birthday party...I think it was cute and I bet your son and dog had a great time. I can just see that dog blowing out the candle. LOL!

Enjoy your weekend!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2566158 05/09/15 10:29 PM
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Thank you Job. I am definitely in a place of....this is what he wanted so he can have it. As for me and S, we continue to live, laugh and have fun. H continues to miss out on these good times, but his choice, not mine. I have invited H on every trip, this is the first time I have not come out with a direct invitation. I am at the point where I don't want to hear the lame resons for the no. If he wants to join us, he has to speak up. That thought process helps me to drop the guilt.

I am looking back at the last few months. H really made an effort to spend some quality time with S and I with dinner, movies, visits......then just like that it stopped. So I figure he must have been peaking out of the tunnel for a bit, but decided to scurry back in smile The good thing is, I have kept on doing my own thing without missing a beat. I noticed it, accepted it, and it didn't get me down. I didn't and still don't read anything into it. Just sitting by and observing. I feel good being able to do that.

11th wedding anniversary is still looming in my mind next week. I like Vge1's idea, to celebrate it myself instead of ignore it. Because I don't regret it, it was a wonderful day and should not be ignored.

To my genuine surprise, H TMd asking if I would like to be taken to breakfast tomorrow morning or for him to come make it. Wow, did not see that coming. At first, I got a huge smile, not going to lie, then it went to not wanting to be so available and I actually considered passing. But after some thought, I thanked him for the offer and accepted the offer for homemade breakfast. Why not?

To all the mother's onboard, I wish you all a wonderful Mothers Day! I asked my son for nothing but a thousand kisses smile It's all I need.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2566416 05/11/15 01:05 AM
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Happy Mother's Day to all the amazing people on this board. I hope you were all able to have a nice day with your children.

H came over this morning. The last few visits, he has knocked at the front door. Not sure why, but I never say anything. This morning, he walked right in. Even more interesting to me... I was in my room getting dressed from my shower. I could hear him hugging S and playing with the dog. I figured I would give them their space for a few minutes. Then it got quiet and I could hear footsteps getting closer and he walked right into my room and bathroom, cat in his arms, to say hi. I just find it interesting he felt comfortable enough to do that since he is normally much more standoffish lately. The ongoing roller coaster I guess.

Breakfast was good, we had a nice time. He seemed comfortable and focused today. Before he left, we went over some stuff about S and this week, a birthday party next weekend for S to go to. I let H know I booked the cruise and reminded him I need a document signed and notarized to renew S's passport. H asked what the date was of our trip. I told him and added, as always, that he is welcome. It just came out, seemed like the right thing to say. He asked me to text him the dates, I told him all the info is in our joint email. Ball is in his court on that now.

I am reading a book by Laura Munson, "this is not the story you think it is" I am halfway through it, a great MLC story so far. She so gets it, explains the reasons why she lets him go and why she doesn't believe it is about her, but about him. She struggles and stumbles sometimes, but gets back on that path again. I just nod my head over and over and am so happy it makes sense to me because 20 months ago, it would not have! I feel like I have come a long way smile Still got work to do though, but in such a better frame of mind to do it.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2566579 05/11/15 03:42 PM
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mleigh

Reading your updates .. its impossible to not walk away impressed with how you are handling this big ball of mess. With total grace, it just shouts what kind of person you are, your H one day will wake up and hopefully realize all this ... I pray he does.

Not much advice I can give ya .. you seem to have it all locked down. Reading your tidbit about the anniversary .. thats a good way to go about it I think. Mine is coming up next month... I recall last year W and I were really not on good terms, I remember looking at her, its strange but looking back at times she gave me this soft look, almost letting me know without saying it that she was still in there somewhere trying to dig out .. anyways it was that look then she hugged me, so I said "For what its worth ... Happy Anniversary" She hugged me hard and whispered in my ear "Its not till tomorrow, you always got the date confused..... but thank you" I still find it funny, all the MLC stuff and their memory being horrible .. I usually tried not to focus on that because honestly mine is worse ...lol


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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