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mleigh4 #2561553 04/27/15 06:44 PM
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mleigh

Your sitch always has confused me with the way your H took off .. but not like there has been a hint of OW, just seems he needs some time to sort himself out and if thats the case he is not so far gone to realize adding things would hurt more then help.

You might be on to something with changing the house up so much it no longer feels like 'home' to him, I am not so sure this is all bad, shows you are still living your life and if need be can go on without him. My W said something the other day that back in Dec I did something that showed her I was moving on with my life ... seemed to start the avalanche ... she is still not out of the tunnel but just for research I am curious to know what types of things can be small smelling salts for the crisis if there is such a thing ... like everything else .. what works in one will not matter in another I suppose.

Glad you are enjoying yourself, I am craving a good BBQ at the moment ... lunch is close ...lol. I will eat my pasta and dream of ribs instead laugh


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



CaliGuy #2561570 04/27/15 07:14 PM
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Cali. Can you remember what it was that made your wife feel you were moving on? Oh, and I make a mean rack of ribs if you are ever in the garlic capital! laugh

We are both great mindreaders, you have been accused of it many times smile If anyone was to ask me, what do I think is going through H's mind, I would say he sees me moving farther and farther away. To a point where I have almost started feeling.......cold to him. At pick up and drop off of S, I have kept things quick and short, no small talk for me! I just have not felt like sharing anything with him lately, I feel very distant from him. But I realized, maybe I am being a little too cold. So when I picked S on Friday, I made a point to chit chat a little. I pointed out his new work truck that he got a couple of weeks ago, he gave me a full tour. I touched his arm where he had some recent scars, he told me the whole story of what happened. I even put down some bricks to hold the base of his canopy because it was really windy. Lol, I am on a roll here with this home improvement stuff.

Anyway, I just get this feeling, mind reading, that he is really lonely right now. But I feel it is a part of the journey and that I need to stay out of the way. My H has always dealt with depression and I do believe he is working through it and feels it is better he do it away from us. I am not saying his intent is to do this for me or our family, I just think he is really lost right now, and that he has been fighting and trying to escape these feelings for a really long time.

My gut so far is not sensing OW, and for whatever reason I hope my gut is right. But I also know anything is possible, however I am done wasting my energy on that fear. I figure if it comes to be, I will deal with it then.

Thanks for your support. I am enjoying life and looking forward to our good weather.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2561627 04/27/15 10:47 PM
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Originally Posted By: mleigh4
Cali. Can you remember what it was that made your wife feel you were moving on? Oh, and I make a mean rack of ribs if you are ever in the garlic capital! laugh


I would definitely sample ... ribs are like pizza ... always good

I do recall ... but I really think it was a combination of about 4 events packed into a 30day period. At that time OM and her were licking their chops at the D's being finalized and starting 2015 'together' .... funny as 2014 was the same.

#1-Thanksgivings I made a huge spread, just like I used to, did not care if I was going to toss out 1/2 of it later as S and I were going to have a feast, W asked about it and looked at me waitign for an invite, none was offered
#2- Wife was sick in Dec, had a cold, she eats very clean so this is rare, she begged me to help her (Mr Fix-it) and go get her some meds, I told her I was fired from that position and she could call OM, I am sure he would be happy to be that person (Basically was a gut feel ... calling OM's bluff)
#3- This one was not me, but I have no doubt added to the stress/confusion. OM planted a kiss on W infront of S, not sure what the look must have been from S but I know it hit her deep.
#4- Christmas ... refusal to 'go in half' on gifts ... I bought S his own set of gifts, explained Santa knew the sitch and would hit both houses

Common theme of all these ^^^^ Family events, seemed my W had a fantasy she could have the A and still 'be a family' when I told her I would not be a part of that, and went one more as to make sure we were not even going to be friends (Explained I would never keep a friend who treated me and lied to me as she did) ... things seemed to start moving ... not all the sudden but seems that period of time got the ball rolling, Family is very important to her, holidays I always made a big deal about, 2013 I faked it...2014 I said F that and prepared myself for D and celebrated it all solo.




Originally Posted By: mleigh4

We are both great mindreaders, you have been accused of it many times smile If anyone was to ask me, what do I think is going through H's mind, I would say he sees me moving farther and farther away. To a point where I have almost started feeling.......cold to him. At pick up and drop off of S, I have kept things quick and short, no small talk for me! I just have not felt like sharing anything with him lately, I feel very distant from him. But I realized, maybe I am being a little too cold. So when I picked S on Friday, I made a point to chit chat a little. I pointed out his new work truck that he got a couple of weeks ago, he gave me a full tour. I touched his arm where he had some recent scars, he told me the whole story of what happened. I even put down some bricks to hold the base of his canopy because it was really windy. Lol, I am on a roll here with this home improvement stuff.

Anyway, I just get this feeling, mind reading, that he is really lonely right now. But I feel it is a part of the journey and that I need to stay out of the way. My H has always dealt with depression and I do believe he is working through it and feels it is better he do it away from us. I am not saying his intent is to do this for me or our family, I just think he is really lost right now, and that he has been fighting and trying to escape these feelings for a really long time.

My gut so far is not sensing OW, and for whatever reason I hope my gut is right. But I also know anything is possible, however I am done wasting my energy on that fear. I figure if it comes to be, I will deal with it then.

Thanks for your support. I am enjoying life and looking forward to our good weather.


Kidding me .. I am a Jedi I am awesomesauce at the mind reading tactics.

All I can tell you is trust your gut, I think that's what we all must do at times ... lets face it there seems to be no right/wrong in certain areas ... my gut told me there was a OM in Sept, did I trust it .. no, I asked and she lied, up to that point .. 24 years I had no worry of such a thing but all the sudden my gut said .. hmmm ... does not feel right, my gut was right.
I think you are right to trust that, he may very well just wanted to shield himself knowing deep down certain things he did not want to put you through, things he knew he needed to get over.
I get that whole part of distance, almost to the point of being cold, I have been there too ... in a way it was anger, for what she did and what she was doing, then it just changed gradually into a disinterest in her, she was living a life I did not want to be a part of ... her choice, and I was making my own choices in what and how I wanted to do things.
You are rocking this ... I follow your sitch as it just seems so unique, and you continue to walk your walk with grace ... I might suggest just changing things up a bit and see if that sparks a move out of your H, I know it was easier to handle certain things in this like it was a science project.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



CaliGuy #2561835 04/28/15 02:41 PM
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I think that hits what I am feeling, just an honest disinterest in him these days. I have no desire to talk with or hang out with him, as he is today. Anger definitely got me to this point, but it has helped me to detach in a huge way.

Pick up of S was interesting yesterday. Once again, dog did not want to go. H now has an open bed pick up truck for work, dog had not been in it yet. As usual, H got irritated with her, "dogs like riding in trucks! What kind of lab are you?" It hit a nerve with me as one of my biggest issues with H is his constant criticism of S and I. He just doesn't get that people have different ideas of fun, different likes and dislikes, and always got so frustrated with us that we were not into four wheeling, boating, roughing it camping.......He just can't accept us for who we are. Me, S, the dog, all a disappointment to H.

So he got her in the back of the truck, she was shaking like a leaf. I said, just put her in my truck, I can drive her there. H said no, she will be fine. He mentioned the idea of getting a new dog. Again, hit a nerve with me. But if it means my dog can just stay in her home on a regular basis, fine with me.

Just another night filled with a sense of relief, that I don't have to deal with him on a day to day basis. I also have been entertaining the idea, maybe I COULD be happier with someone who actually gets me, and someone I get. Because I don't get H at all.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2561850 04/28/15 03:34 PM
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I was catching up on your sitch.

Yes, I too have found a common thread that partners who cheat think they can do the family thing - celebrate together and still have their AP. I too say F that. i did it in 2014 Christmas and D6 birthday and it was terrible. This year - I am doing my thing solo with the kids - 2 birthday parties, 2 Xmas celebrations, etc... Let her celebrate with the AP.

Thanks for confirming that for me. I feel better about my decision.


Was made a better person by DB'ers
HeavyD #2561904 04/28/15 05:21 PM
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hhmmmm thinking about my earlier post and something is nagging at me.

"He just can't accept us for who we are. Me, S, the dog, all a disappointment to H."

H has never said these words to me, this is how I feel based on things he says, but it doesn't mean that is what he is thinking. I have felt and reacted on those feelings for a really long time, which drove a wedge in between us. I felt like I could not be myself. However, was I doing that to myself? H would push S and I to do things, and he has commented on his frustration that we don't like doing a lot of things he likes to do, but does that mean he doesn't still love us? Was it my own negative talking in my head that made something simple into something so personal?

I will need to sit on that one for a while. My mind can be my worst enemy.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2561920 04/28/15 05:58 PM
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mleigh

Even before BD I had those feelings. W is seriously critical and turns out the more I learned about MLC, how and where is came from, I kept my ears open. MIL is seriously critical as well so its a learned trait in my W's case. I always felt like to earn love I had to do this, this and then this. After some time it really strips you of your self esteem, like you I started feeling the more I was away the better I felt, and was reluctant to go back to that old life. Then a lightbulb ... Boundary-setting... I think its one of the many important tools I have learned to have in my tool box, I am quick to stop W when she says something critical toward me or S, and now she is more receptive to it, even starting to catch herself before she completes the sentence. During this I realized I too was that way, in retaliation ... almost a passive aggressive style but it was there. Something I am working on myself

All this self work mirror stuff is tough .. makes one hungry .. for ...lets say ribs laugh


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



CaliGuy #2561983 04/28/15 07:38 PM
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Mleigh
My ex was very critical. I was never athletic enough for him (even though I was a good sport and went backpacking. Wilderness camping, learned to ski and snowboard, climbed Mt Whitney). I never could learn to surf and I swear that was a factor in my divorce lol!
My oldest son has mild Aspergers and my ex could never accept his differences either.

Now I have a boyfriend who embraces my differences, even when he doesn't understand them, and is always supportive. It's great!!!

One thing about my ex though....and perhaps this is true in your case too...as much criticism as he threw my way, the SELF criticism he heard in his head was much worse. I always thought it must be very sad to live like that.

I'm pretty comfortable in my own skin, so I was able to withstand his criticism pretty well. I feel a bit sorry for his young new wife, I hope she's stronger than she looks and can survive when the honeymoon wears off and his negativity kicks back in.

kml #2562037 04/28/15 09:31 PM
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CALI for me it is the little girl abandoned by her dad talking in my head. Any criticism from H would trigger her. She was not important, not worthy, not good enough. I am happy that I have seen that today as that is something I really need to fix within myself. I know now that I need to be true to who I am, regardless of others opinion. I will also set boundaries with H if any criticism comes out.

KML, at Bday, H voiced how much it bothered him that I don't like getting my hair wet when I swim, among many other things. I do believe if D was to happen, it would be because of these petty issues. Sad thing is, we have a lot in common, he is just so focused on those outdoorsy physical things. Could just be the MLC talking too. He hasn't done one of things that he can't live without since BD.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2562045 04/28/15 09:42 PM
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SO I am in tears right now. Just feeling really frustrated. Came home for lunch and dog is not here. H must have decided to keep her, (he had S last night and normally drops her off in the morning with S's things) Shouldn't he run it by me when he changes the plan or am I not being "flexible"? We got that dog for S and the plan was that they go back and forth as a package. But every once in a while he will keep her longer with no regard for S and I. Or the cat that truly misses her!

I am pIssed but not reaCTING. I almost got in my truck and drove there to get her, let him come home to no dog with no explanaTION and see how it feels. But I stopped myself.

I know, like I said, he is in a really lonely world right now. I can sense it. Do I let it go and just mention to please communicate with me when he does this? Or do I once again put on my mommy hat with him and lay down the law?? Maybe he wasn't comfortable bringing her in his work truck after all?

I can survive without her for a few days. And I will check to see how S feels about it. But I am so sick of him changing the RULES whenever he Damn well feels like it!


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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