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mleigh4 #2556715 04/13/15 07:35 AM
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Originally Posted By: mleigh4
...friends H, said that he doesn't think H is capable of being emotionally connected with anyone. He went on to say all of this has nothing to do with me, that H has issues and that I should just keep moving forward and living life. I told him I agree with all of that and that is exactly what I am doing! I found it interesting that he could see that, not many people can outside of here!.


That seems to sum up my H as well! H has lost most of his friends as he never made an effort in the friendship. Men or women need the other person to make somewhat of an effort, otherwise there isn't a friendship. Your H may be finding that it is too difficult to emotionally connect with anyone other than you. You have a shared history and S which provide an emotional connection without any work on his behalf. His new life was a distraction from emotional needs; however at some point he does have needs which he wants met. He doesn't know how to open up and get those needs met by the new friends. So, he is still looking to you for a level of emotional support. If you feel like you can enjoy his company without expectations than continue spending the time with him.

Congrats on S GATE scores. Hope this opens some good doors for him. I think it is great the H wanted to make a big deal out of the results. It is nice the he values accomplishments of your S.

Too funny about the younger guys!

You are doing great. Keep up strong and look forward!


H: 48 Me: 47
Married: 19 yrs T: 20 yrs
2 teen-Ds and S
H-MLC (started 2012) and H-Unemployed (11/2014)
D-Bomb: 2/2015
H left country but hasn't moved out: 7/2015
I filed: 7/2015

dejavu2 #2557120 04/14/15 02:54 PM
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Dejavu2, what you said makes a lot of sense. Thank you smile


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2559076 04/20/15 05:07 AM
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All in you ---- by Iration

If you want to learn you got to try
You got to get it wrong to get it right
You're searching for the truth but finding lies
When all you got to do is look inside you

It's all in you
It's all in you
It's all in you
It's all in you

You want to be a star you got to shine
And use your own light when you need a guide
You keep getting lost following signs
When everything you need is right inside you

It's all in you

It was a very quiet week. In fact, after taking S out to eat last Saturday night to celebrate his testing score, I did not hear a peep from H until when I had to see him on Thursday night to drop off S. I don't think we have gone that long with no contact since H moved. I actually figure that's how it should be. He wanted his space, so I figure the less contact the better. As far as myself, I was curious about it, but had no problem with it. It was kind of nice.

Saturday was H's night to have S. I got a text about noon saying he was up all night with a sick stomach. He said he wasn't sure if it was something he ate or a bug, asked if we could see how he was feeling in later in relation to having S. I rolled my eyes, he is really the biggest baby, no joke, he is awful, but at the same time, if it was a bug, I don't want S getting sick. I actually was thrilled with having a bonus night with him, S was happy too. So I told H no worries, I had plans to go to a friend's for bbq but could take S, which I did. H said thanks.

This morning, H says he is feeling better, asked if he could have S over. I said of course, so he came and picked him up. I asked if he planned on having dinner with him. He said yes, so I let him know that was fine, but not late because it is bath night. At 7:30, no word from H. So I called him, he said they were out getting food on the way here. They got here about 8:15. I was annoyed. Only because H gets S tomorrow night so I was left with an hour before not seeing him until Tuesday night. So, I just let him know how I felt and why. He apologized, but added he felt that was plenty of time for a bath. As always, he just wasn't hearing my reason why. Then he went on to say that he knows it's not my fault that he missed out on his night with him last night, but he thought we were going to be flexible. Flexible to H means that I go by his schedule when he can't meet his parental responsibilities, which is ALL I ever do. I swear, if he says "flexible" one more time to me, I will scratch his eyeballs out. So I answered back that I have been very flexible. I added, actually, I have been downright awesome. He answered, got it.

Let's see, I did our taxes all by myself and am still waiting for him to pay his share. I dropped off and picked up S during spring break each of H's days, just to be nice. I have cooperated with him every single time he gets stuck in traffic or has something to do with work that delays him with S. Or when he gets sick. He takes dog whenever he wants, as he did tonight. And he is going to throw flexible at me!!??

Then I take a deep breath and remember what I am dealing with. No use trying to get him to see rationally. What was I thinking?

As usual, my emotions towards him continue to change around. I have noticed the last couple of weeks, I feel very distant. Very very detached from him. In fact, I am having a hard time looking him in the eyes lately, not sure what that is about. I just don't like who he is today. Just don't like that guy much at all.

I had a great weekend though. I got more home stuff done. I ordered a new canopy, got a bistro set and more flowers for the yard. I got a new buddha statue, one that symbolizes inner peace and calm. (Boy did I need that tonight) I also ordered a big wrought iron sun decoration to hang on the front of the house. I continue to be a busy happy little bee. Until I have to deal with H self centeredness. But I am able to brush it off quickly.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2559105 04/20/15 11:34 AM
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You may have to set some boundaries since your h uses the word "flexible" to suit his needs. I know you are trying to be "flexible" because of your son, but there comes a time when you will need to stop being so readily available to make things easier for your h to see his son. Set a schedule and if he misses the time or date, then he'll have to wait until the next day he is suppose to visit w/his son. If you don't, you are going to find that your h will take advantage of you w/no thought to you, your son or your schedule.

BTW, many of the mlcers will have bouts of illness. It's the stress, guilt and shame of what they are doing. I'm not surprised he's had stomach problems and hasn't felt well again.

Please take care of yourself. Think about those boundaries...okay?


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2559149 04/20/15 02:57 PM
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I agree with you Job. He tends to take advantage and change the rules when it suits him. I was setting the Sunday night boundary by explaining it to him last night. I think he got it because he said he wouldn't bring H home so late on Sundays anymore, but he just can't ever hold back from being the victim and taking a shot. Even when the consequence is from his own doing, like not being able to have S because of a tummy ache.

I do tend to be too available, but it truly is only for my son. I also do want them to spend time together, so it usually feels like the right thing to do.

I am over it and staying on my toes. He has become like a child who tests how far he can push. The sad part is he is worse than my 8 year old.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2559212 04/20/15 05:48 PM
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I'm not surprised to read what you said about him being worse than your son. They become kids again, testing the authority figure (which is you) just to see how far they can go. When you call them on it, they cry victim and you aren't being fair.

It's not fair to your son to have hopes of spending the night w/his father and then the father calling stating he's got a belly ache. The child is then disappointed and sooner, rather than later, the child is going to stop looking forward to being w/the parent because he/she knows the time period may change at the last minute.

I know you are doing everything you can to be there for your son and to smooth the waters for a good relationship between your son and his father, however, the father's got to do some work in this area himself.

I think you've been very good about the entire situation and I would certainly call him on this type of behavior each and every time he changes up at the last minute or wants things his way.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2559297 04/20/15 09:03 PM
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Thank you Job. I went back and read the text exchange before deleting it, and I will admit, I wasn't very nice. There was a point where I should have just dropped it. I should have, and will in the future, gave him an actual time I was expecting S home. H is no mind reader, just like me. So, my bad in letting it escalate. I had made my point and then should have just let it go.

I know I was not feeling very warm and fuzzy towards him last night. I was irritated with the overall disruption of the weekend by him. I have been feeling irritated OVERALL with his disruption in our lives lately. I seem to be back in the anger phase these days. He can't even give S a bath because the dump he is renting is still in the middle of the bathroom remodel, going on 3 months now.

Our past few interactions have been very short and sweet.... by me. When I think of things I need to tell him or ask him, I make a list and do it all at once when I need to see him to avoid talking to him more than I need to. When I drop off S, it's a quick hi and bye, I can't wait to get away from there! He tries to make small talk, tell me about things, and I basically half listen. Yesterday he was even telling me that he had talked to S about helping me more around the house, told him specific things to do. Nice, right? I didn't even make eye contact with him, I was thinking, I don't need your help with my S, thank you. I am not doing a good job of "keeping the door open" right now. In fact, I feel like I have it closed right now.

I am thinking a lot about how happy I am with him out. I mean, happier than I have been in years. There were so many things that we clashed on, so many things he always criticized me about. It's all gone. I know our issues were and are fixable, but I am really enjoying my freedom right now. It's only been 3 months, so I know that may change.

I think I need to do a better job of listening to him, no matter what he is rambling about. It's common courtesy.

Also Job, your comment about him making himself sick.... The same thing crossed my mind as this followed the very quiet week and I was thinking, maybe he is starting to look within and see the damage he has done. Time will tell, not getting my hopes up smile


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2559546 04/21/15 03:30 PM
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mleigh

Its strange, when the BD hit one of the reasons the W gave was the added stress from the M was making her sick, the past 18 months after her health is not much better, sometimes she hits very high highs .. but goes down to very low lows.

I have posted here my observation on the lack of sleep they get, the added stress from the destruction they have caused, plus throw in the rampant confusion ... its no wonder they struggle with health and come down with the flu or colds very easily.

As far as you emotions, I can relate... its that feeling of being on the rapids for a few terrifying hours and you find yourself on a peaceful river ... but you hear the rapids forming again downstream and find yourself not really ready to go through that just yet.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



CaliGuy #2559553 04/21/15 03:46 PM
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mleigh4 Offline OP
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Ok, help please.

H stopped by my house this morning to drop off the dog and son's items since he had him last night, and he TM asking if he could take the giant First Aid kit in the garage. I answered that I wish our home hasn't become the local pick and pull but if you need it, take it.

This needs to stop. He moved 3 months ago. Each time he goes over, he takes something, and it's another slap in the face. It's his stuff, but it just gets me shaken up each time. What can I say to him to basically say, get whatever else you need, at one time, and be done with it? Or do I say nothing and deal with each time? Or, maybe, time to change the locks?


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2559560 04/21/15 04:08 PM
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Or what about:

"Would you like to set a date to get all the rest of your stuff over to your new place? I would be happy to help you get it all together. That way, you have everything you need"

Is that being too bold? Yes, I basically am saying get the rest of your sh*t and get out, in a nice way.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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