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CaliGuy #2555016 04/07/15 05:26 PM
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I'm glad Easter went off w/o a hitch, regardless of the clogged hose. Apparently your h still wants to do things for you and please sure to recognize his efforts even when he's in the way of you doing something else. He's looking for affirmation and this could be a love language for him.

I want to go back a bit and ask a question of you....did your husband distance himself for your son when all of this began to occur? The reason that I am asking is that from what you've posted, he's treating your son as a buddy right now and wants to have fun w/him. He may be reconnecting in a fatherly way w/his son, but time will tell on that. Some do tend to come out and want to be best buds w/a child during replay and others will not have a thing to do w/their children. Sometimes they connect for a short period of time and disappear for a bit and then again, from the looks of it, right now, your h is enjoying his time w/his son. That's a plus in my books.

Again, time will tell. Just make a mental note of this behavior and smile...why? Because he's taken his son under his wing and is actually wanting to do some really great things w/him, i.e., spending time w/him.

Let's hope and pray that he's on his way to finding himself.

Keep the focus on you, your son and your life for now. God is working on your h. Let's leave it to him to do so.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2555117 04/07/15 09:02 PM
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mleigh4 Offline OP
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Hi Job. I agree, doing anything mechanical or fixing is a love language for H. He was a bit disappointed when He was all ready to order a new filter online, but I told him I will wait this one out a little longer. For him it's the action, but I was just thinking money. I am on a budget so I don't want to get a filter until I absolutely have to. Those buggers are expensive! But thank you for pointing that out, I will make sure to let him know I appreciate those things.

Now for your question. H and I were "older" when we had S. I was 37 and H 35. We were very set in our ways and freedom and our world was rocked when this little demanding creature came into our world. However, I completely bonded with S and H was a little slower. My anxiety issues also came out so I really didn't trust many with S, so H and I were rarely alone. As time went on, H withdrew more. He says he felt like a third wheel. I saw it as H not wanting to be with us. I always felt like we were a burden to H, that he really wasn't enjoying doing the things you do with a kid. He would suggest doing adult only stuff, but I didn't like leaving S, separation anxiety. That really hasn't changed much! Lol. So, our connection died and I think it also did between H and S. It got worse at BD. For the first time, and it may be because S is getting older, but I see a real connection happening with them. H has always loved S very much, but it was almost like he really didn't know how to do this "dad" thing. His mother has even commented a couple of times that H just doesn't seem to know what to do with S.

It warms my heart and is something I have always wanted for them. I encourage H and make sure to let him know when he does something good with S or if S says something good about him. I see in H's eyes how much it means to him. They are having fun, but I see S getting the daddy stuff he needs too. Definitely a connection going on between them.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2555378 04/08/15 05:38 PM
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Cali - you touched on something there, what you said about us all spending time together, as long as I can maintain that balance.....

I always feel happy that H wants to spend time with us. It is a major change since Bday. However, I still get the waives of anxiety when he gets on his phone, goes to the bathroom, goes into another room in the house to get something.....my first thought is always, is there OW??? I get worried about getting into his truck, will I smell perfume on the seatbelt? I don't go into his house, will I see something? I still can't let go of that and I don't know why. The images of this phantom person still go through my head, images of him looking at someone else the way he used to look at me, I just don't know why this still happens. However, it really only happens when we are together. So yes, because of this unresolved question in my head, spending time together can be unsettling for me.

I also sometimes think, if we were to ever reconcile, I would need to know if he was with anyone else, especially if there was any unprotected relations. This is a situation I don't want to be in the dark about. I know, some of you have mentioned that it would be better not to know. I worry that I would always wonder, like now. Infidelity is a huge issue with me. I don't care about their issues, I don't care about feeling vulnerable, I don't care if it's just a bandaid... It would kill me and I just don't think it is something I could forgive. That's just being honest. The sad part is, I had asked H a hundred times and he always insisted no other person. Why can't I just believe that?

I guess these are all questions and issues I would need to deal with, thoughts that go through my head. I just wish I could enjoy spending time together without this always being in the back of my mind. I wish I could believe H was telling the truth. Up until Bday, when I found out about lie after lie after lie, it changed everything for me.

It is a wonderful feeling when I am able to believe, this is all because H is going through something unresolved inside of him, that he needs this time to work through it, and that this has nothing to do with anyone else. That, I can forgive and love him for.

Ok, so this is what happens when I have too much time on my hands, my mind starts thinking way too much! Time to go back to projects. Thanks for listening, it helps to just get this off my chest, and you are the only people who get it.

Focus is back on me. And like I always tell myself, take each day one at a time, live life and enjoy, laugh, don't look for trouble, let life happen and cross each bridge as it comes.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2555391 04/08/15 06:25 PM
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mleigh4 Offline OP
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And here is where posting and talking things out really helps! Lol.

I ask myself, what is wrong with you? You snooped and snooped, for some tangible explanation of why this was happening, and for a tangible reason to be really angry and walk away from this. Instead, I found no proof of any OW. You would think that is a great thing!? Instead it has forced me to DB, which is no easy task. Looking within, excepting I have my own issues, and excepting that my H is in a deep fog right now.

Ok, I was going somewhere with this...... Oh ya! So I think with H all of a sudden wanting to spend time together, agreeing to future plans, wanting to spend his birthday with us, giving off this vibe that this is just a "break", there have been a lot of little things, has me a little spooked. I know I can be wrong about his intentions, it's just a vibe I am getting, something is happening with him.

I have a lot of healing to still do and a lot of unanswered questions that I am not ready for because I wouldn't believe what he said right now anyway. And I have so much to still do with myself. I am still finding me, enjoying my own space, and figuring out, after all of his damage, if he would be someone I could live my life with. I guess his changes are spooking me. It was easier to stay detached when he was aloof, cold and distant. Now, I sense something different, warmer with him. It is throwing me off, that must be what I am feeling.

See how much you guys help? Lol. So I will follow the advice I see on here consistently which is to stay on my path and keep working on me. I need to readjust my detachment, not read too much into these changes and try to just enjoy this change for S, because it really may be just for him.

It never fails, just when you got this down and are in a good safe place, they once again disrupt it! Actually, I guess that happens only if you let it. smile


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2555406 04/08/15 07:10 PM
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Stay the course, continue to learn and grow. Keep the focus on you, your son, the fur babies and your life. Your h has some issues to resolve and only he can do this....however, I do think he is responding to the changes he sees in you each and every time he has contact w/you. Even though he's gravitating towards you and your son, continue to keep those expectations near zero and when he does something really nice, it's a surprise and one that you will surely recognize him for.

You are doing great. Keep up the good work.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2555543 04/09/15 01:10 AM
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Thank you Job, it means a lot when I get compliments from you! smile

My expectations remain at zero and I will keep doing the same as I have been. Which is basically nothing in regards to my R with H. I don't text him, only answer his TM's. I don't go out of my way to include him, only if it comes up. This is for no other purpose except for myself, I am only doing what is feeling natural and right, for ME. My actions are not for H anymore, and that is the most......liberating? Feeling.

Being off work, I finished my half done projects. Thousands of pictures organized! I had to chuckle when I put 15 years of R with H in a box, and closed the lid. Time will tell if any pics get added.....I finished painting the garage countertops, looks pretty good if I do say so!! I think S is getting tired of me making him look at all my completed projects. Lol! I found another to do, will start that in the morning smile

Tomorrow, I have S's buddies over for the day. Then will be dropping S off to H, and going out to have dinner with my girlfriend. Friday, getting up early to pick up S from H, and take kitty to vet for spay frown. I know it's good for her, but I worry! While she is there, dropping off S with buddies while I get the gray washed out of my hair, then off to pick up S and kitty and completely fawn over kitty all weekend while she is healing I am sure.

Keeping busy and staying the course wink


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2556530 04/12/15 05:55 PM
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Happy Sunday.

Facing the end of a very relaxing week off of work! S and I are going to be in shock tomorrow when we have to get up early! We have been up until 11 pm and sleeping until 9. Much needed sleep!

I dropped off S with H on Thursday night. I had his mail, which was kind of strange because they all had "not here" written on them. I asked H, did you put in a change of address or something? He said no, so not sure why the mailman would write that then still deliver them, or how they would know!! I wondered how it made H feel, to see that and his home address slashed out like that..... If he felt anything.

Went to dinner with my girlfriend, while her husband was going to visit with my H. He is starting to reconnect with old friends. Anyway, friends H met up with us after. He didn't say much, and I didn't ask, just mentioned that the place is a dump. During dinner, A guy came up to me and asked if I was there alone. I said yes. He said his friend wanted me to know that he thought I was really cute. Lol, is this high school or what? They were a younger group of guys, maybe late 20's or 30's. I always get mistaken for being a lot younger than I am. But I didn't know what to say, so I said, tell your friend I said thank you and that he made my night, but I am here with my friends tonight smile

Later that night, we had a little conversation about me and I was assuring my girlfriend that I am in a really good place. That this is all good for H and I. My friends H, who has also been my friend for 25 years and is H's friend, said that he doesn't think H is capable of being emotionally connected with anyone. He went on to say all of this has nothing to do with me, that H has issues and that I should just keep moving forward and living life. I told him I agree with all of that and that is exactly what I am doing! I found it interesting that he could see that, not many people can outside of here!.

On Friday, I took kitty in to be spayed. My best friend works at the vet and kept me posted with each step. Kitty is doing great, healing right up!

That day, I got a letter from S's school. He scored 94% on the GATE testing, which is Gifted and Talented Education. I took a pic of the letter and sent it to H. He called, just beside himself. He told S how proud he is and said we need to go celebrate. S said he would like to go get frozen yogurt the next time he stayed with him, H said no, he meant for all 3 of us to do something. So H asked if he wanted to go that night, but S said we were staying with kitty because she had just come home from her surgery. So H said ok, how about this weekend? Then H asked to talk with me. He went on about how excited he was about the testing and said he wants us all to go together to celebrate, asked our plans for the weekend. I told him I didn't plan anything because of kitty, so H said maybe we can all do dinner or a movie or something. He said to let him know, I said ok.

Yesterday, I was busy doing stuff in the backyard, I came across a bunch of my old yard decorating stuff. Lots of moons, stars, fairies.... They were all in the shed. So I cleaned them all out and put them out. Looks so pretty, very Renaissance Fair like! Lol. Anyway, H TM's asking if we want to go to one of S's favorite spots, Five Guys, then to Froyo. S said yes! So we picked up H and went. Then S and I came home and watched a movie. H had said he was going to return his dad's trailer to his house that night.

One pattern I am seeing, on his S free weekend nights, he wants to spend them with us. Seems like that for the past month now. Where did all these amazing new friends go?

I still come across things that I didn't realize were gone. In cleaning the BBQ yesterday, I noticed a sign that was over the BBQ was gone. It had said H's BBQ. The nails are still there! I will be taking those out today. I always feel a flash of..... Anger and sadness, a little startled, when I come across that. But it passes quickly.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2556540 04/12/15 07:14 PM
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Boy, you and your son will certainly have a shock tomorrow morning after relaxing for a week! But, I'm sure both of you will be glad to get back into the routine and see some of the people you are around when working.

Poor kitty! I hope she's feeling better soon. You did the right thing by being a responsible kitty mom in getting her spayed. I'm sure she got a lot of attention and love while she was there.

I have a theory on the mail situation. Could the mail have come there when you weren't around and he picked it up and wrote on them? Could a friend of his have done that? The mailman wouldn't do this because they would reroute the mail if he had put a change of address on them. I do find that very strange.

Well, it sounds like your friend's h is of the opinion that your h's man cave is a dump. That's not good, but I'm sure to your h, it is "beauty in the eyes of the beholder" deal. LOL! I'm glad to see he's starting to reconnect w/friends.

Congratulations to your son on the GATE testing. I'm sure all of you are proud of him. His score is great! Definitely celebrate this one. This is a huge achievement!

I'm sure your garden looks beautiful with the plants, shrubs and your yard decorating stuff. It's funny how we put stuff away from the previous season and then pull it out and realize how beautiful it is all over again.

Okay, I laughed so hard when I read about something else missing. Sounds like he's been a busy bee picking up things here and there. It's like a treasure hunt, so to speak. I wonder if you will find my xh's plastic Easter Egg at the end of the hunt. LOL!

You are doing great. Keep up the good work and give your son a hug and kiss for me. I'm so proud of him!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2556556 04/12/15 08:35 PM
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I smiled when I read about the missing item and Job's plastic Easter egg quest. The mail is odd. As if "odd" wasn't the norm, right?

I agree, you're in a good place. That seems obvious by the response to the younger guy (high schooler) hitting on you and your response.

Glad the vacation was a good one! Also glad your H wanted to celebrate your S's achievement. Good stuff, especially for your S. You should be proud of him (I'm sure you are) smile.

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
AJM #2556657 04/13/15 01:49 AM
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mleigh4 Offline OP
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The mail thing IS weird, right!? The thing is, I got it out of the mailbox like that. It said "not here" in green pen with the scan portion slashed on the bottom. So that is what led me to believe it was the mailman. H looked just as confused as me when I handed it to him. I wonder, maybe he didn't want to admit to putting in a change of address? Or, the scary thought is of someone tampering with my mail. I will watch to see if it happens again.

Also sad is if H DID put in a change of address. Legally speaking, I mean. When I had moved out, I got legal advice first to make sure I wasn't accidentally giving up any rights to my house. One of the things that came up was doing just that, it can be looked at as abandoning your home. I wouldn't pursue that with H, I am not an evil person, this house is as much his as mine, but it goes to show he is not thinking.

I also was a little sad to hear his buddy say the place was a dump. He also said H is an idiot for what he is doing. I can see what they see, on the outside it all seems pretty ridiculous, what H has put his family through these last 18 months. He has lost the respect of a lot of people, especially my family and good friends. I actually find myself defending him sometimes, because I know he is mentally not in a good place.

However, H looks good when I see him. And I do appreciate his making the effort to spend family time, that has always been very important to me. So maybe his being on his own is best for him after all. More power to him. I know I am very happy with this living arrangement right now, it has been a huge relief for me.

However, I sometimes wonder if I am TOO available when he wants to get together. But so far, I haven't felt like I have forced myself to do anything I didn't want to do. So I will just continue to do what feels right. This method is working well for me so far.

Yes Job, I still come across missing items. It has gotten much better though. But almost every time he is over, his eyes light up about taking something else he needs. When I am here, he asks. There are a few things I have said no to, like some outdoor speakers we bought years ago. Those were bought for THIS house, not some piece rental he decided to move to. I told him I planned on using them, and will. It's just plain annoying sometimes.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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