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job #2554331 04/05/15 03:19 AM
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mleigh4 Offline OP
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Thanks Job. My mind can't STOP seeing things to do around the house! The problem is the pocketbook, but one thing at a time. I was letting H know my next project, to paint the master bath. It's got that sponge painted look to it, that I am over. It's a small area, so I was telling H my plan to use some spray texture than paint. He right away said oh no, just paint it. The wall is ok without the texture and it's not easy to do and looking at me like I am some kind of idiot that can't figure it out. I told him, I will texture it, it will be ok, with a big smile of course. It's gonna be the best dang texture job he has ever seen!:)

I painted the counters in the garage, I can't believe how much better it looks. We will see what H thinks when he comes with S tomorrow morning. I asked what H wants for Easter/bday dinner tomorrow. He has requested my Prime Rib. I can make a pretty mean Prime Rib. Although he REALLY doesn't deserve it, smile I got the fixings.

H has S tonight so gotta get the eggs hidden tonight because he will be on the hunt as soon as he gets home tomorrow morning! S told me last night that he doesn't believe in the Easter bunny, but believes in Easter spirit and that he thinks that is where the eggs and treats come from. So sweet, but shoot, this might be our last year for this!


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2554351 04/05/15 06:36 AM
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Enjoy the egg hunt with your S! Take lots of pictures. My kids know there isn't an Easter Bunny, but still enjoy a good egg hunt - who doesn't like finding candy!

Birthday's are a hard one. I think your idea of a dinner out with S is the perfect solution.

Do what YOU want in the bathroom. If it doesn't work the way you want it to, start over. It feels so good to have an idea and figure out how to accomplish it.


H: 48 Me: 47
Married: 19 yrs T: 20 yrs
2 teen-Ds and S
H-MLC (started 2012) and H-Unemployed (11/2014)
D-Bomb: 2/2015
H left country but hasn't moved out: 7/2015
I filed: 7/2015

dejavu2 #2554353 04/05/15 07:00 AM
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Originally Posted By: dejavu2
My kids know there isn't an Easter Bunny, but still enjoy a good egg hunt - who doesn't like finding candy!


What do u mean, there is no Easter Bunny.... Next you will be saying there is no father Christmas ;o)

Mleigh, now you have the opportunity to do whatever you want to do in your home - have fun with it, it can always be changed when u get bored of your creation. Sounds great, good luck!!

LouR #2554458 04/05/15 05:32 PM
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mleigh4 Offline OP
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Thanks guys. I plan on doing what I want, I guess I just feel this need to let H know my plans. When I moved out, H went crazy making changes in the house. He put holes in the walls to put the surround sound speakers in, changing lighting and stuff. It kind of freaked me out, but now I can actually understand it.....

Lou, don't worry, I believe in the Easter bunny, Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy... all of them!


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2554624 04/06/15 02:57 PM
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mleigh

You sound amazing ... you really do. Yeah that WAS birthday thing is a catch 22 is'nt it? I have W B-day coming up ... and am still not sure what to do ... so much can change in a month so I am not thinking about it right now..lol.

You and H seems to still talk and share things, I think thats good provided you stay detached and don't get sucked in.... all these things you are doing to the house I am sure H notices and hopefully dude will wake up and think "Hmmm she is actually doing well without me ... wtf" and start doing some work on himself.

You are rocking this ... keep it up.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



CaliGuy #2554729 04/06/15 08:52 PM
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I am off work this week so I actually have time to post! I just want to share my weekend and throw some thoughts around.

Yesterday morning H texted me at 8:45 a pic of S, letting me know the Easter Bunny came to his place after all! S wasn't expecting that and was surprised. My first thought was that bum, he stole my egg hunt excitement that I love with S. Ok, that's the old me thinking. Immediately, I changed my thought to how sweet and considerate that was for H to do for S. I really see him working on his R with S, and I sense with S that it is working. I can see and feel them getting closer and it makes me really happy.

So, Job, do you think there is any chance H is starting the reconnect process? He hasn't shown any signs or said anything to make me think he is looking at himself yet, but I see him really working to get closer with S.

So H and S came here around noon. I asked H if he wanted some coffee, so while he was getting filtered water from the fridge, he commented that it seems like the filter is clogged. Next thing I know, the fridge is pulled out and he is working on it. Said the hose was clogged up.

Now, yes, it's very nice that he even cares and wants to fix this, but at the same time, his dad was on the way and I had food to get cooking. So I managed to do it around them working on the water filter, but it reminded me of his ADHD and how much it would drive me crazy! Oh, and he never did have coffee smile

So we had a great dinner. H and I also had a couple of good conversations throughout the day. He commented on my idea for my rock garden and pointed out a few other things to have the landscaper fix in the yard....

He asked if he could use the joint card for his work charges, so we could rack up points. We use and pay off the card each month for points to buy stuff for the house and for travel. I know, I can hear you guys saying be careful. He has continued to show responsibility with all joint money so it doesn't worry me.....

At one point, I thanked him for handing over money each month so that S and I can live in our house. I told him we love our home and are really happy to be here. He said of course! And that it's the way it should be. ....

I mentioned to him that S and I were sad that we never went on a cruise like normal last year. And that we want to during his summer break. I told H that I don't feel comfortable flying across the states and taking S away from him for a week on our own to do the Carribean, but that I was thinking one of the mini west coast ones that are only for a few days. H asked, why don't you do Alaska? I said, but that would take S away for a week, wouldn't that be hard for you? And he said ya, that's right. So I said, unless you want to go? Then of course we would love Alaska! H looked at me and said, ya, maybe I could. He said to get some info together and we can talk about it.....

I told H that if he likes, S and I would take him out to dinner sometime for his birthday. He said yes, he would like that, then started naming places he would like to go. When he left, he mentioned he was trying to get Friday off so he could do something with us......

So what do you think is going on with him? I feel like he is wanting to all spend more time together, but it is all family based.

As for me, I still have my guard up. I don't know if this is all temp checking or just his working on his R with S, I really don't even know if it has anything to do with me or us. With his birthday this weekend, it made some thoughts come to mind in regards to if there was OW. If there was, she didn't get much time with him. And he chose to spend his birthday as a family day, all his idea. Then I start to wonder, what if I don't make him happy? What if there is someone out there that would be a better fit for him? Then I think, wait, who cares about him! What about me? What if? This whole experience sure makes you think about the realities of your marriage and relationship. One thing I have learned to do when I think about H, his thoughts, his feelings and his happiness, is to change it to my own thoughts, feelings and happiness. I know without a doubt that I am not ready for any kind of relationship right now. It's a good feeling, a guilt free feeling of knowing this time is for ME.

So, let me know what you think about H and his actions. . Nothing is changing for me, I have only the desire to keep busy and keep working through my own issues and emotions. Home projects have definitely become my therapy. I have to say, I feel like I have come out of some kind of fog myself and am realizing how I did not take care of my home, and want to do nothing other than put in the time and effort to fix things and brighten things up. Do you think this has some kind of tie to my marriage? I realize the exact same situation with my marriage, yet I am not able to do much to fix that right now, so I am putting it all into my home? Wow, that's deep stuff, right? Well, I guess it is a healthy way to work through my own chit. At least it all increases the value of my home, in more ways than one smile


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2554764 04/06/15 11:42 PM
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AJM Offline
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Sounds like you had a nice weekend. Glad to hear it smile

Quote:
Do you think this has some kind of tie to my marriage? I realize the exact same situation with my marriage, yet I am not able to do much to fix that right now, so I am putting it all into my home?
It's really hard to say from here, right? What is it YOU think - that's far more important, but I'd caution you to be careful about the past. It can be a slippery slope to say the least. It's cool to learn from it, but don't live there very long, right?

As for the overall? My instinct says to wait and see what happens. When your H tries to reconnect with you, you'll know. there won't be a doubt about his effort - you'll feel it. There will be all kinds of other doubts of course, but not about him trying to reconnect. smile

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
AJM #2554883 04/07/15 11:45 AM
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M4,

Sounds like you are in a good place, just be careful about your H and the possibility of reconnecting with YOU, all the posts I read and advice says when IF they start to try to reconnect the LBS will know.

There have been times when my H stuck his head out of the tunnel and I would get my hopes up, and then BAM he runs back inside. So I have been working on when he does comes out, I notice it, but I dont get my hopes up.

With me and being a better ME, I know what I deserve and expect and H's little here and there peaks are not it, I know I need/want even a better R and better H then even before my H's crisis.

All that to say, I think you , we will know when /IF MLC are trying to reconnect.

While working on your home, keep working on YOU:)


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
2BHappy #2554981 04/07/15 04:03 PM
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mleigh4 Offline OP
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Cali - thank you for your continued support. Holidays and birthdays are rough, but so far I have been pleasantly surprised and happy with the results. I think offering H dinner out was perfect, back in his court now.

AJM - what do I think? Hhmmmm. I think I am a fixer, but have accepted that I have no control of this situation. So, I am fixing what I CAN control which is me and my home. I have realized that I got really buried in being a working mom, and didn't focus on me or my H, overall, my home. Don't worry, I won't stay there and dwell on that, there is nothing I can do about it now. With my H moving out, the negative energy left with him. It is like the sun has come out, the fog has lifted, and I can see each improvement bringing new life into my home and me. Not only the physical aspects, but the feeling of independence and empowerment I feel when I complete a project. Definitely my therapy.

Happy - In your posts I have seen your H do things just for you, and yes, poking his head in and out. You are right, we learn what it is we want and deserve during this process. I think it is best for us to stay detached and guarded until we know.....and I do believe we will know when it is time.

I must have made my post sound like I was wondering if H was starting to connect with ME. I don't think that at all and wouldn't even want that yet. We are nowhere near ready for that, especially me.

I think he is working on his connection with S and wanting to spend time together as a family. That is a change, a year ago he was clear about not being comfortable doing that. It is just something I have observed and wonder if he is starting to miss that family time. However, I still feel his moving out was the right thing, for all of us.


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
mleigh4 #2555006 04/07/15 05:15 PM
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mleigh

Its strange ... I have read archived posts and noticed that some LBS's get paired up in a way, maybe its when we joined (u-turn and I came on the same day) maybe its the sitches are similar , maybe the MLC'rs are similar ... or I think in our case .. you and I are a touch similar in that we both are calm, and we are fixers.

Like you, I realized a bit ago that sure this MLC thing was going to hit, but there were things in my M that were not good .. one was W and I put S between us, ahead of us, the #1 priority. This caused her and I to start losing that bond we had developed over the past 15+ years. Something she has recently agreed with.

As far as the Reconnecting thing, yeah I noticed a few months ago that W was starting to really make an effort into connecting with S. This made me .. like you ... take notice. I think we tend to look for signs, at this point in the game its not to predict the end of this craziness ... but better to prepare us, so we know what to expect. Like you ... I found it great she was working on the R with S. Recently she has started to connect with the dog, its hilarious in a way ... yes he was a person to her and she up and left him too.

As far as when the MLC starts connecting with us ... yeah I think mine is there, its different this time around and I have done over a year of touch and go's. Little things, she tries, she apologizes, she is making efforts to talk, sharing things about her day and the kicker .. actually interested in what is goin on with me. Are we working on the M no ... its more like her temp checking to see if I will get upset or let her have it about the past at this point.

You are doing great ... keep doing you and your lil one .. let H walk his walk as you have been ... I would allow him time and when he wants to be around great .. provided that you can maintain good balance inside you.

Last edited by CaliGuy; 04/07/15 05:16 PM.

M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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