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#2548778 03/18/15 04:29 PM
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Well, onto thread number seven for Toots. Here's a link to my old one.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2548768&page=1

Quick recap:

BD1 - Mar 2014, EA discovered

BD2 - July 2014, H admits PA. I move to parents 2 hrs away

Jul-Sep 2014 - lots of talking with H, A continues, he's 'confused.'

Oct-Feb 2014 - Virtually NC. I rent a flat, build up my own life, no idea of A status.

Feb 2015 - H made redundant. Wants to sell our house. Says our R is over, then backtracks. OW back in the country, but H is 'dating' others ATM.

Mar 2015 - Agree to sell house, formalise S and divide assets. H then says he wants us to D. I tell him I love him and D isn't what I want. He's thinking about things.

Thanks to you all for your kind support and positive feedback. This forum makes a world of difference during the darker times.


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2548788 03/18/15 04:54 PM
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Toots

I think whilst you are Iamthecheese

Gan is Iamthefondue

V is inapickle

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Vanilla #2548791 03/18/15 05:01 PM
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LOL


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Vanilla #2548796 03/18/15 05:12 PM
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. . . and I'm the Batman. cool


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Originally Posted By: Starsky309
. . . and I'm the Batman. cool

But Batman is not a SUPERHERO!

I heard that today on ESPN! grin grin


Me-70, D37,S36
Cadet #2548813 03/18/15 05:45 PM
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...and I am the Wonder Woman! grin

Last edited by Wonka; 03/18/15 05:45 PM.
Wonka #2548849 03/18/15 07:14 PM
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I am the walrus...
.... Although I've shaved and lost some weight now..


M:44, W:46, S:10
M 13 years, T 15
BD:23/7/2014
W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014
My new place: 21/11/2014
W/S back to flat 22/11/2014
W coming closer, talking 4/2015
Piecing 5/2015
Moving in again 6/2015
edz #2548862 03/18/15 07:35 PM
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I would like to be Wonder Woman but I am more a Woman that Wonder, so I will be Cinderella and have some hope that one day a Gorgeous Prince will come looking for me. (or I will just clean the house forever).


Pink17
S22,19 and 16
D:8/5/2015



Pink17 #2548874 03/18/15 07:56 PM
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Have you guys been having a party on my thread while I was out yoga galing?! Doh - missed my own party!


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2548880 03/18/15 08:10 PM
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Party???

Nooooo...... (Squirrels away buffet tray and punch bowl....)


M:44, W:46, S:10
M 13 years, T 15
BD:23/7/2014
W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014
My new place: 21/11/2014
W/S back to flat 22/11/2014
W coming closer, talking 4/2015
Piecing 5/2015
Moving in again 6/2015
Wonka #2548894 03/18/15 08:30 PM
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Originally Posted By: Wonka
...and I am the Wonder Woman! grin

Thats about right Wonder Woman has super powers

Super strength, agility, reflexes, senses, stamina, and endurance
Flight (1960–present)
Superior hand-to-hand combatant
Healing factor
Magical Weaponry including indestructible bracelets, the Lasso of Truth, a weaponized tiara, and a magical sword.

But I still think Starsky should have super powers too! grin


Me-70, D37,S36
edz #2548897 03/18/15 08:38 PM
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And cheese, Iamawalrus

We haven't said Mooooose yet, it can never be a party until someone says Mooooose

Now it's a party Iamthecheese

Cadet (oh wiseoneofthenewbies) : Starsky does not need any more super powers than he already has. The gift of Intel searching, X Ray thoughts etc is enough for one human, and what about his BS detector radar thingy, maybe they hand those out automatically to Vets?

V aka Iaminapickle

Last edited by Vanilla; 03/18/15 08:48 PM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Cadet #2548903 03/18/15 08:47 PM
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Originally Posted By: Cadet
[
But I still think Starsky should have super powers too! grin


Starsky does...his famous four whistles! wink

Wonka #2549171 03/19/15 05:18 PM
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I would say that Starky's natural powers are amazing. I wonder if he fell off from some super smart, brain power, years ahead of us planet. What if he is not even from Earth and is like some kind of Superman sent to earth to stay hiding here?

Would that be possible we have an alien among us?
......

Toots, are you OK with the fact that you are the cheese? In my opinion being the cheese is a very powerful thing. Cheese is all over the world and everyone always wants it.

How are things going? Any contact from H? Any sign he wants to set up some meeting with you next week?

By all what happen in your sitch already, it makes me think that your H will just let go for now and will give himself more time to think about it. You are right, he is so lost he can't even take any decisions right now.

Take care,
Pink


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S22,19 and 16
D:8/5/2015



Pink17 #2549176 03/19/15 05:30 PM
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Pretty quiet couple of days for me. Working from home, plus bookstore and yoga GAL. I'm working away tomorrow, so that will be a longer day.

I've been feeling quite relaxed and in good spirits. Funny, in that this week H is deciding whether to file for D or not. I think if he does decide to file, I'll be pretty upset. And if he doesn't - well, I guess it depends on where we go from there. He obviously needs the whole week to think about, as he hasn't been in touch yet!

Had a text from HXW today. She wants to get together over the Easter break, so that will be nice. Great that she and I have always got along well and I can keep in touch with SS and her independently of H....

Hope you are all having a good day! T x


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2549275 03/19/15 08:35 PM
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Hi Toots As usual you seem up beat and that's always good. Was there a time frame for H to respond ?

Take care. Rd

rd500 #2549281 03/19/15 08:46 PM
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Hi RD, thanks for stopping by!

No time frame from me - only that he said if it's alright, let's not progress anything just now, he needs a week to think....


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2549539 03/20/15 08:26 PM
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Well, busy day for Toots. Away at work all day. The good news is, my current boss has offered me a job. Well, TBH he has been trying to 'reel me in' for a few months now, but I haven't felt able to commit. Anyway, he's offered me a 3 day post for a year, today. Two days working in the office (1.5 hours away) and a day WFH. I can see how far I've come as I drove home quite excited and think I'll say yes.

Went straight to parents to Mum-sit, only to find my Dad just wired £2k to a 'friend in trouble abroad.' As soon as I read the emails I knew it was a scam - arghh! Just spent a couple of hours on the phone to the police and money transfer people. Managed to stop the transfer before the money was collected, but my Dad lost the £75 transfer fee. He thinks I'm the hero of the hour now though!

Home again, bowl of soup and a glass of wine after a long day - catching up with my DB buddies. You know people ask who you would like to have to dinner, and I would always say the Dalai Lama, Maya Angelou and so on. Now, I would just say - my DB friends...


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2549546 03/20/15 08:37 PM
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Congratulations on your job offer toots. That sounds like quite a commute but its going to keep you busy eh.

Those scams are nasty business. Thankfully you got there in time.

Enjoy your wine. In a short space of time I too feel like I am making good friends with some of the very kind and helpful DBers here.


BD - 30TH JAN 2015
S - 30TH JAN 2015
PA CONFIRMED - 16TH FEB 2015 (SINCE AT LEAST OCT 2014)
CONTINUAL TALK OF D
ME: 31
W: 28
T: 10yrs
M: 4.5yrs
D:5, S:6
alpha99 #2549587 03/20/15 10:51 PM
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Hi Sunshine,

And that what your Dad tough today. The sunshine of my life came to take away the darkness involving these kind of people that target many elders. Here in the US, it's all over the place, it's sad to think that there are people in this world that dedicate their lives to rob innocent people.

Congrats Toots. If the pay is worth the commute, then it is a great deal breaker. Besides, like alpha said, will keep you very busy.

Enjoy the wine honey, rest and relax. Your life is turning, who knows what is next. Life is always surprising us.

XOXO
Pink


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S22,19 and 16
D:8/5/2015



Pink17 #2549677 03/21/15 08:13 AM
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Well done toots Scammers are the worst because the often prey on the unsuspecting. Stay strong. M

Take care. Rd

Sotto #2549766 03/21/15 05:41 PM
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Originally Posted By: Toots
Well, busy day for Toots. Away at work all day. The good news is, my current boss has offered me a job. Well, TBH he has been trying to 'reel me in' for a few months now, but I haven't felt able to commit. Anyway, he's offered me a 3 day post for a year, today. Two days working in the office (1.5 hours away) and a day WFH. I can see how far I've come as I drove home quite excited and think I'll say yes.

Went straight to parents to Mum-sit, only to find my Dad just wired £2k to a 'friend in trouble abroad.' As soon as I read the emails I knew it was a scam - arghh! Just spent a couple of hours on the phone to the police and money transfer people. Managed to stop the transfer before the money was collected, but my Dad lost the £75 transfer fee. He thinks I'm the hero of the hour now though!

Home again, bowl of soup and a glass of wine after a long day - catching up with my DB buddies. You know people ask who you would like to have to dinner, and I would always say the Dalai Lama, Maya Angelou and so on. Now, I would just say - my DB friends...


You are the "Hero of the Day"!


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Jefe #2549821 03/21/15 08:49 PM
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Thanks for your kind comments guys. No more news from my Dad, but the wire transfer people said there could be an arrest if the scammers tried to pick up the transferred cash...so we'll see.

Bookstore GAL for me today. Busy in the store, and had some nice chats with other volunteers and customers. Had a nice bath when I got home and it's a quiet evening in for me. I didn't have the best sleep last night - thinking about this job offer - and how would that all work - in the middle of the night. Not helpful.

All quiet on the H front. Literally nothing from him since he said he needed a week to think - a week ago today. TBH, it hasn't been on my mind all that much and I've had a pretty pleasant week all in all. I guess I don't really feel his response back is going to be positive in terms of our M, so I'm resigned towards that already.

Mum GAL tomorrow. Dad is out for the afternoon, so the ladies get to hang out together, and aqua aerobics GAL in the evening. Hope you guys are all having a good weekend!


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2549862 03/21/15 11:32 PM
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So, a work opportunity!

And you would like it too it seems.

I shall go and open another bottle to celebrate, there are still some frozen black currants somewhere.

Let's hope these scammers are caught, nasty sods!

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Vanilla #2549875 03/22/15 12:25 AM
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Hi toots

I think you're right to keep your expectations in check re h but I wouldn't count it as being bad news yet. While its true if so you can only be pleasantly surprised I often make the mistake of feeling blue as I've not heard anything or at least did I'm getting better at that now. It does seem you're much better at that than me though.

Sorry you had a bad night. Had similar issues and poor sleep really can mess with you over time. Nice warm bath, fresh sheets and gentle music (not TV) I find helps.

On the job offer front is it the travelling aspect? It does seem you have a great balance right now and I'd council not too give up too much if you don't need to (I used to commute 60+ miles a day once and it was OK for a while but does eat your life in free time being eroded and leaving you tired in the evening)

Hope Sunday is good for you, I'll check in later smile

Edz


M:44, W:46, S:10
M 13 years, T 15
BD:23/7/2014
W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014
My new place: 21/11/2014
W/S back to flat 22/11/2014
W coming closer, talking 4/2015
Piecing 5/2015
Moving in again 6/2015
edz #2549941 03/22/15 09:06 AM
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Thanks V and Edz. I've emailed my boss this morning to say that I'm interested. I'll either travel up, stay over and do two days together for them or travel up on two separate days. The travelling isn't too bad. I go a country way, which is very pretty. I think my hesitation was more anxiety - can I do this? Will it be too much for me? And so on.

In the middle of the night I said to myself - if I took off the 'fear' lenses, how would I feel about it? Good, was the answer. So I think I just need to manage the anxiety.

Fact is, my colleagues and I have been friends for years and they know all about my sitch, so it's going to be a supportive environment too. Much easier than starting afresh. I think it's good as a six month/one year plan, whilst things (hopefully!) resolve themselves. It will mean I can cover all living expenses without having to dip into savings too, which would be good.

Have a great Sunday! T x


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2550014 03/22/15 05:00 PM
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Sounds like a great move Toots I hope you feel as strong as you sound. Take care. Rd

rd500 #2550036 03/22/15 07:06 PM
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Congrats on the job!


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



twinmom #2550158 03/23/15 08:44 AM
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Hi Toots.

Double well done on the scammers and the job. I suspect the Job will be good for you and clearly your boss thinks you'll nail it otherwise they wouldn't have offered you it.

Means you can use the savings for holidays instead smile

At the moment i'm reading a book by Chris Hadfield (Astronaut) and you mentioning fear lenses reminded me of some of the stuff he talks about. He has a really good TED talk about the difference between danger and fear, plus he's an astronaut and thats just the coolest job ever.

I hope you're enjoying the sunshine. Have a good day.


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
jim0987 #2550360 03/23/15 09:08 PM
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Worked from home this morning. Need to finish off the project I've been working on as a freelancer before I get started on the multiple projects I'll have in the contracted role.

It's nice to feel more engaged and interested in work again. The work I've been doing past 7/8 months has been pretty 'routine' for me. Enough to pay the bills, and I was glad to have a low challenge period. But some of the stuff I'll be doing going forwards is going to stretch me more and I'm looking forward to that.

Absolute silence from H since I told him I loved him and D wouldn't be my choice, and he said he needed to think about things. Today I felt a bit annoyed that he just hadn't 'bothered' (mindreading) to get back to me.

Then I thought, Hmm - this is my problem. I have an 'expectation' that he will get back to me, because he said he needed a week to think and it's been over a week. So, I'm just trying to let go of the 'expectation' that he will respond - just need to keep moving forwards really....


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2550369 03/23/15 09:24 PM
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Toots. Great post. You asked and answered you own question. Great news on job Your H is taking his time. , what a fool ! toots is a catch and with a high powered new job !!! take care. Rd

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what makes you think that he has enough energy to actually carry through on this?


Me-70, D37,S36
Sotto #2550462 03/24/15 02:31 AM
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Also Toots, possible it's not lack of bother that keeps your H from responding. He's got a pretty big decision in front of him. Not getting back to you may well reflect the fact that he IS bothered!


H 37 Me 36
Together 15 years
Married 5 years
No kids
BD Apr 2014
H moved out 2 Jun 2014
gan #2550483 03/24/15 04:22 AM
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Congrats on the new job and saving the day for your dad. You're not only the hero of the day here, you are a great example and hero for many, especially females in here. Stay strong.
Not sure how to evaluate you're H behaviour. Just keep the expectations low. I don't know exactly the situation but sometimes people need a push in the right moment too. Handle with care tho!!


Me 32 (German) Wife 28
T 3yrs M 2yrs
Moved to US for W
No kids
BD 6/2014
In house separation
Confirmed EA 1/2015
(ongoing since BD)
OM not ready
Real D talk started 1/27/15


Complex #2550497 03/24/15 08:03 AM
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Originally Posted By: Toots

Then I thought, Hmm - this is my problem. I have an 'expectation' that he will get back to me, because he said he needed a week to think and it's been over a week. So, I'm just trying to let go of the 'expectation' that he will respond - just need to keep moving forwards really....


Sums it up quite nicely I think. I'm sure having some more interesting work will really help you with moving forwards. I think if you looked around (and maybe you already do) you would have that feeling that says

'you know what, my life is pretty good and getting even better'

Your H will do what your H will do. at some point he may come back to you with some kind of answer or he may not until then keep being awesome and try not to give him any headspace.


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
jim0987 #2550641 03/24/15 06:56 PM
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Thanks for posting guys. I read the thread on letting them go today. It really got me wondering why I am waiting to hear back from H. I'm wondering whether I'm now ready to post this:

H, I'm not going to wait for you to make up your mind and reply to me. If you can't decide whether you want to be with me, or to date, or otherwise, I'll decide for us. You can be with whomever you like because I won't be an option any longer. I realise it's time for me to let you go and move on now.

I'm sad things didn't work out for us. But you know, there are many good things in my life and it's getting better all the time. I think we now just need to resolve things as constructively as we can. I'll contact L and arrange to file for divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour, citing your affair as the reason.

I love you and I wish you a good life. I hope things work out for you.

Toots.

I guess I'm just posting it to see how I feel about it. Does it seem like a bit of a u-turn from my response 10 days ago when H mentioned D? Am I ready? Will I truly know that I'm ready?


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2550644 03/24/15 07:01 PM
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Toots,

Don't bother for if you do send that second email...it will just put you in a weaker and needy position. Don't. Silence is powerful from your position.

You are strong and don't need to hear back from him. ACTIONS, not words. You're poking the bear...not necessary.

This is what all girls already learned back in junior high school, right?! wink

Last edited by Wonka; 03/24/15 07:03 PM.
Wonka #2550658 03/24/15 07:53 PM
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Thanks Wonka

I guess I just got angry today. Thinking, why am I waiting to hear back from him? After all that has happened? Is this how I want to be?

But I don't want to put myself in a worse position. Maybe I'll just try and feel power in the silence instead. I guess I need to do some more work on detaching.

I can see what you mean, that it's a form of chasing because he hasn't made a response. I'm just poking him in a different way.....I guess I didn't fully grasp this one at high school!


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2550664 03/24/15 08:11 PM
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Originally Posted By: Toots
I guess I need to do some more work on detaching.

I can see what you mean, that it's a form of chasing because he hasn't made a response. I'm just poking him in a different way.....I guess I didn't fully grasp this one at high school!

Speak with Actions not words.

If you want to be divorced then you can call the lawyer and file.

I agree with Wonka, silence is power.


Me-70, D37,S36
Cadet #2550669 03/24/15 08:28 PM
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Hi Toots,

Clearly i'm not going to be able to add any advice better than Wonka and Cadet have given you but I agree with them - if your really ready to file then just file and tell him thats what you've done (trying to hit the balance of courtesy)

But I suspect you already know that whats prompting this is that he hasnt answered you when he said he would - calm those expectations smile

but i do think its a healthy line of thought to know that you deserve better than someone who isnt sure its what they want (not sure whether they can do it or afraid of getting hurt are a different story)

Enjoy the power (and peace) of silence


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
jim0987 #2550684 03/24/15 09:04 PM
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Thanks Guys. Yes, I realise now it was reactive and best to just not attach to an outcome of him responding...

He will do what he will do....nothing I can do about that...

I'll just work on better enjoying the silence :-)


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
jim0987 #2550707 03/24/15 10:24 PM
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Hi Toots nothing to add after the vets but remember the 48 hr rule

Take care. Rd

jim0987 #2550808 03/25/15 08:19 AM
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Hi toots,

I agree with all the others. Don't wait for a reply, keep GAL. If you sent that message you may only be sealing your H's doubts. Just a thought, says he's been ill, busy at work, a million other reasons why he ain't been in touch. I've read again and again here of a spouse thinking of returning only to be turned off it by pressure. I know I'm not one to talk in this regard. Just wait - unless of course you truly want to divorce, which doesnt seem to be the case.


BD - 30TH JAN 2015
S - 30TH JAN 2015
PA CONFIRMED - 16TH FEB 2015 (SINCE AT LEAST OCT 2014)
CONTINUAL TALK OF D
ME: 31
W: 28
T: 10yrs
M: 4.5yrs
D:5, S:6
alpha99 #2550812 03/25/15 10:47 AM
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Morning Toots

Thanks for the input on my thread, some back to you. You know I'm mr impatient, why isnt w contacting me, whats she doing, I emailed her why doesnt she replyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy??!!?!??!!

And so forth.

So I know what you are feeling especially with a lead up like you had. You want to know what he's thinking and whether he still wants to D or is reconsidering.

Honestly in my situation (especially now) I know the feeling just contact me already and tell me what you're thinking so I can set course accordingly.

Now the advice I've had from all you good people I'll return here, just do what you need to do for you now, you're one of the best at GAL I've seen (bar V of course, no one beats V wink ) you have the new job (congrats) and the book store and the aqua etc. Do those and keep focussing on Toots.

I'm trying to do as much as possible right now and take on and establish new interests. If nothing else it will give me interesting things to talk to w about if, by some miracle, we end up in a situation where we have evenings to fill and hopefully lead to things we can do together. If not then I'll have new avenues to explore myself.

You have done so well Toots, keep on ....well I wont say tooting obviously wink

(((((Toots)))))


M:44, W:46, S:10
M 13 years, T 15
BD:23/7/2014
W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014
My new place: 21/11/2014
W/S back to flat 22/11/2014
W coming closer, talking 4/2015
Piecing 5/2015
Moving in again 6/2015
edz #2550848 03/25/15 01:37 PM
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Thanks for the moral support RD and Alpha. It's much appreciated.

And thanks for the words of wisdom Edz. I think I just needed to get it out of my system really. I feel a lot better today - humming to myself..."let him go, let him tarry, let him sink or let him swim.." etc..feeling quite upbeat.

That's the beauty of this site. You can act on your emotions and post things that may not be a good idea. And other wise posters will let you know before you drop a clanger.

Busy morning at the bookstore (extra shift)...and yoga GAL later for me...

Hope you guys are having a good day :-)


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2550857 03/25/15 01:55 PM
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Not bad my friend (grumble £60 for a watch battery grumble)

wink


M:44, W:46, S:10
M 13 years, T 15
BD:23/7/2014
W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014
My new place: 21/11/2014
W/S back to flat 22/11/2014
W coming closer, talking 4/2015
Piecing 5/2015
Moving in again 6/2015
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Hi Toots,

Don't beat yourself down. You are an amazing woman and DBier. You have been growing, learning and is doing a lot for yourself right now.

Congrats on the job, you deserve it.

Just remember that at some point we all hit the wall. It's an agony thinking of all the "why", but patient is the right answer here, even if it hurt the most.

I agree with the comments you got here. If you get to that point you want to D, then you get a L and serve him the papers, that's all. The note you wrote shows only passive aggression, what was probably the way you were feeling at the moment you wrote it.

It's very annoying that your H did not answered you yet. But, I also remember that you said he does not like to resolve big issues, and this is probably the biggest one he has had in his life.

I hope and pray that you have the strength to keep doing what you have been doing. It's great for you and somehow fill the empty space that hurt so much.

My heart goes out to you Toots... remember no news, no bad news.

Love,
Pink


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D:8/5/2015



Pink17 #2551050 03/25/15 09:10 PM
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Thanks for stopping by Edz, and thanks for your words of wisdom and encouragement Pink.

Yes, I think I did hit the wall this week. Patience never was a big strong point. Working on that. I look back on the message I wrote, and I don't like it either now.

But, serenity has returned. Sometimes you need to hit the wall, get some 2x4s, have some sense knocked back in, some perspective - and on you go!

I've felt pretty upbeat today. H is taking SS off on a transatlantic family trip over Easter. And I'm fully expecting I may not hear from him until after that, which is fine. SS and his Mum are coming for a visit the week after their trip, which should be nice.

Yes, I think H probably has some food for thought right now. He had a vision in his mind, and things just haven't fallen into place. I think what he saw as a dream life has become a rather rocky road. Oh well, his to travel and not mine - I'm traversing my own rocks at the moment!

T xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Pink17 #2551055 03/25/15 09:15 PM
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Hi Toots waiting is always the hardest. M my L/C used to be a nurse and tells me that people sometimes prefer to hear bad news instead of no news Waiting is always tough and that's why GALA is so important. I think that you will be waiting a while because your H"s email seemed confused and the Intel you got recently shows things are not going well for him. I would imagine that he has a lot to think about and who's to say he can even think that straight

Carry on living your life Toots , H will do what he will If he decides against reconciliation, more fool him

Take care. Rd

rd500 #2551420 03/26/15 09:09 PM
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Thanks RD. And I'm sure you're right about the waiting. I think I've moved forward on that now. I had this expectation that H would be in touch "in a week" because he "needed a week to think." Sometimes I am far too literal. I had the 'waiting' crisis and I've let go of that now. I don't feel I'm waiting as such any more, which is good.

A nice day today. Popped up to see the parents first thing, and then logged on to do some work for the morning. Bookstore GAL for a couple of hours this afternoon. We were in the 'back room' today, and the ladies did some sorting, cleaning and tidying. Worked really hard, and it looked great at the end of that.

Quietish day for me tomorrow, but then Toots is off for some Ceroc Gal (beginners day) on Saturday. Looking forward to that...I think! xx

Last edited by Toots; 03/26/15 09:09 PM.

T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2551431 03/26/15 09:20 PM
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First day Ceroc!

I am almost envious as I remember my dancing awakening. So I am so excited for you. Go enjoy yourself.

Move that body and relax it is so fun!

Change in your life, and let go of expectation.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Enjoy the dancing Toots Take care. Rd

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Toots, I saw you write this on the sandi2 WW thread:
Originally Posted By: Toots
Thanks for the perspective Patient Man, and Wonka for clarifying further. I guess at the time, provocative dressing seemed quite a superficial thing to me, in the context of him having an ongoing A. And I also struggled because I have met OW and she dresses provocatively for work - lots of breast on show and tight red dresses. And I felt he was 'trying' to turn me into OW, and have me strut about the house in red dresses.

And then he said - of course not when SS is around. So I felt a bit like - so you want me to parent your S, and then dress like a prostitute. Where's me in all of this? I don't dress like that?

So, I didn't dismiss it to him. I did think a lot about it and he and I talked about it. And I have thought about it a lot since. And my overall take on it was that we let some of the passion ebb away, and our LM became more routine, and that it was more about us keeping the passion alive and kicking - than me wearing thigh high lace up boots with lots of breast on show every day.
to which I responded:
Originally Posted By: ganb8te
Toots - you are not alone here. I recall a similar conversation with my H pre-BD. He wanted me to wear more sexy stuff and I felt near insulted by the superficiality of that request at a time when I felt we had more important issues to address. I think it was a very MAFM WAFV moment.

Something I have been mulling over for a while now - do you think there is ever a time to express regret over our reactions to this? I mean, in hindsight, it would have been a relatively simple thing to do, right?

Amsterdam was interesting - the red light district I mean. Whereas my H's request that I dress more sexy made me feel subordinate (a trigger for me), walking around the red light district I couldn't help but think that many of the ladies actually looked rather empowered. Actually I had less of an issue with them and more of an issue with the British lads who infiltrated the city on the Friday night to seek their services.

Anyway, this is getting a bit personal so I understand if you don't want to go there...


H 37 Me 36
Together 15 years
Married 5 years
No kids
BD Apr 2014
H moved out 2 Jun 2014
gan #2551919 03/28/15 03:17 PM
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Hi Ladies,

If your ask here in this board, you will find a lot of other girls dealing with the same issue.

Many of us felt that we had a lot on our plate to deal with and that the super sexy stuff was not number one in our list. It's probably were we forgot that men is some kind of animal, selfish in many ways and that they need the extra to keep going.

Many, many women (not all I would say), have the instinct of dealing with protection. We are born with survival skills and we get involved in making the best of a household that is secure, business are taking care off, it is all done for the peace of the home, we have food, good shelter.

My mom told me another day that my grandmother said it to her one day too: A happy marriage has a spouse during the day in a house and a prostitute during the night in the bedroom.

My mother also struggled with this same issue. Like I am now, my mom was a wife, a mother, a friend, housekeeper, secretary, gardener, teacher, therapist, accounting... but she forgot to be a prostitute.

I made many mistakes in my M, and the biggest one was this, sex became a second plan, sex became dull, not so exciting. If I ask myself now, I would say was not good even for me.

This is a lesson learned for me. I don't want to take it for granted anymore, instead I want to learn from my own mistakes and fake morals.

Hope you can find balance in what is right for you Toots, there is nothing wrong once in four walls with the man you love.

Love,
Pink


Pink17
S22,19 and 16
D:8/5/2015



Pink17 #2551999 03/28/15 09:01 PM
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Thanks Guys. V and RD, I really enjoyed the Ceroc today! Friendly people and good fun. I was pretty tired by the end of the session though. There were around 20 people there, most of whom have been to a few classes. Me and a couple of others were complete beginners. Wow - learning 12 moves was a lot to take in and it is a bit of a blur now.

I'll definitely start going to a class though, and will check out another workshop going forwards too.

Thanks Gan and Pink. Gan, I don't know is the honest answer. I did say to H that I agreed about our love life and was more than willing to work on that. I guess if we talk about reconciling, we'll look at some of this. Otherwise, I think it is best left alone.

Pink, thanks for posting. I guess it's true isn't it. Life gets in the way of things, and I'm sure we all took things for granted. And were taken for granted too. Lots of lessons to learn..

Hope you are all having a lovely weekend xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2552021 03/28/15 10:27 PM
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Great you enjoyed the dancing Toots Huge GAL points.


Take. Rd. Xx

rd500 #2552036 03/28/15 11:48 PM
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Hi T,

I am so happy you enjoyed the dancing class. It's amazing isn't it?

I did dance on a Polish Folcloric Group for about 7 1/2 years. It was super. I really enjoyed it. No saying that growing up in Brasil, it was all about dancing.

Our parties are nothing if we don't have dance, loud music and a lot of beer.

I am thinking to join a Zumba dance class. I have a friend that is giving classes and she was telling me how good it is for your body and spirit. My younger sister in Brasil joined a Zumba group about a year ago and she said it is the best decision she took. Will check on that and let you know.

I am always amazed of how strong a person you are. Have been trying to be like you lately. I have been in a H roller coaster and got the conclusion that I am going on cheeseless tunnels for a long time. H is controlling everything. Time to be Toots and be strong like Toots.

You are awesome and is the admiration of all of us here.

Love,
Pink


Pink17
S22,19 and 16
D:8/5/2015



rd500 #2552037 03/28/15 11:50 PM
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Mega GAL points x2 as there were 20 in the class!

V is quite happy to be a tacky t on occasion. must borrow Gg kick ass heels, basques et al. Shame my H likes the baggy jumper look. At least on the fish wife.....

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Hi Toots,

Glad you enjoyed the Ceroc and are feeling better about the waiting for your H to give an answer (don't).

Your situation reminded me of a particular song but my public shame resistance prevents me from saying which one.

I hope you don't mind but I want to offer a male perspective (well mine anyway) on the whole dressing provocatively thing in part because it was one if my complaints (and upset me to see my W dressing for OM)

Its a male ego thing, its not so much about women dressing provocatively its about making the effort to show that you want your H - men connect through sex and the better the sex the better the connection. When a wife won't make the effort its like a big neon sign that says to the H 'you're not worth it'


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
jim0987 #2552170 03/29/15 03:02 PM
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Thanks Jim, it helps to know the male perspective. It's almost like a love languages thing. I would do other things to show H I loved him. Cook him a nice meal, light some candles and so on. And after BD he acknowledged how much tenderness there always was. But it's true that I stopped making such an effort to dress/look nice 'for him.' Although I'm no slouch on the appearances front - a onesie and ugg girl I'm not!


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2552392 03/30/15 01:10 PM
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Hi Toots. If your H noted the tenderness after BD the. I wouldn't pin to much on yourself re the dressing part. I sometimes think we all think we need to be perfect to get WAS to comeback. While my own sitch was caused by both myself and W , I took all the blame at the start Im far from perfect and never will be but at the sametime I would consider myself a ". Good guy " in a lot of ways.

Like us all I'm sure you are putting in the work to improve as a person and hopefully for an R with your H but at the same time those improvements are for you first and foremost.

Just my thoughts Take care. Rd

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RD, it's kind of you to say that. It has been bothering me - but it is true, I was a loving, loyal and faithful wife which counts for a lot. There are always things I can do better, and I do feel I have come a long way in terms of understanding relationships, communication and so on. I shan't go out and buy those lace up thigh boots then!

Quietish day for me. I did some work from home and visited my Mum in respite care this afternoon. She seemed happy and the staff there are lovely. Tomorrow I'm working away, so that will be a busy one. We're having lunch out as someone is leaving. I was offered some more work yesterday by another old boss, which I had to turn down - but it's nice to get the offers!

All quiet from H and I'm thinking I will probably just leave it. I thought about dropping him a text about something else. But it isn't really needed, and would just be pursuit on my part - just trying to remind him, or poke the bear as Wonka would say...."I'm here H, and you haven't come back to me on that little matter of whether we are going to D or not!"

Other than that, just the usual things this week - yoga GAL, bookstore GAL and so on. Next week I plan to go to my first Ceroc class after the workshop this weekend. Some people that I met already go to that class, so hopefully there will be familiar faces. Incidentally, a few people have already mentioned Ceroc, and I really do recommend it as a good GAL activity. There is a friendly culture, and they are so welcoming and encouraging to beginners. It's a good way of meeting people of both genders in a relaxed environment. And it's world wide from what I could see....

Hope you're all having a good start to the week :-)

Last edited by Toots; 03/30/15 05:46 PM.

T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2552919 03/31/15 08:13 PM
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Busy day at work today. Up early and on the road, then in and out of meetings. Just relaxing now and catching up with the forum.

I texted H today. He had forwarded a bunch of my post and I thanked him. He replied, saying he was sorry he hadn't yet responded to my email. He said he is slow these days, but will email me tomorrow.

I'll see what tomorrow brings, but I have no positive expectations really. I'll keep you posted....


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2552944 03/31/15 09:38 PM
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Hi Toots,

I have my fingers crossed for you that you do get an email tomorrow. The waiting must feel like forever but you seem to have handled it well. Fingers crossed also you get the answer you want.

Alpha


BD - 30TH JAN 2015
S - 30TH JAN 2015
PA CONFIRMED - 16TH FEB 2015 (SINCE AT LEAST OCT 2014)
CONTINUAL TALK OF D
ME: 31
W: 28
T: 10yrs
M: 4.5yrs
D:5, S:6
alpha99 #2552963 03/31/15 10:17 PM
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Your H seems like he is still very deep in the fog.


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



alpha99 #2552967 03/31/15 10:30 PM
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Hi toots.

Have you started the new job now?

Try not to have any expectations positive or negative.


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
jim0987 #2552990 03/31/15 11:53 PM
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Toots

Just wanted to offer a hug, don't know why but sensed you need it today.

(((((((((Toots)))))))))

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Hi toots

Hope tomorrow brings you answers and happiness, as you've oft' said to me no expectations is the way to go

(((((Toots)))))


M:44, W:46, S:10
M 13 years, T 15
BD:23/7/2014
W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014
My new place: 21/11/2014
W/S back to flat 22/11/2014
W coming closer, talking 4/2015
Piecing 5/2015
Moving in again 6/2015
edz #2553066 04/01/15 06:54 AM
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Aw - thanks you guys for the various comments and hugs. It's much appreciated. I feel a bit tearful and emotional this morning. I certainly don't have positive expectations today. More a sense of waiting for the guillotine to fall. That's not great either I know, and I should just try to keep any expectations to neutral. I'll do my best.

Twin, I think you are right. Things are still foggy, and I guess that's why I feel the way I do. Not hopeless as such, but realistic that the tide doesn't seem to be turning in favour of me and our marriage just now.

Jim, no the job hasn't started yet. But it looks as though it may be advertised next week, so I'll keep you posted. Probably my new working regime will start later this month. I'll be working from home today, and later going to see Mum in respite on the way to yoga GAL this evening. Looks like a nice spring day outside, but it's probably freezing!

Have a good day all xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Hi Toots just caught up and no expectations is the way to go Great job on GAL and the work seems to be flooding in. Lots of positives which is great

I hope you have a good day. Take care. Rd. xx

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Originally Posted By: Toots
Aw - thanks you guys for the various comments and hugs. It's much appreciated. I feel a bit tearful and emotional this morning. I certainly don't have positive expectations today. More a sense of waiting for the guillotine to fall.


Toots,

When you get to the point where you actually don't know WHICH way you want this to go . . . when it's almost more problematic if he DOES want back into the marriage . . .

. . . then you will have fully detached. (But then HEADS UP, because that's also when you'll be the most attractive to him!)

Praying for clarity for you two, whichever way this goes.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

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Thanks RD and Starsky for your kind comments.

I've actually had a pretty nice day. No contact from H and I'm starting to wonder if he will actually email today as he said he would. Who knows....anyway, I'll be heading out to visit my lovely Mum and then off to yoga in a little while.

Starsky, I'm certainly getting there I think. I'm at the stage where starting out alone again seems pretty straight forward. I've come quite a long way along that road in a practical sense anyway. Emotionally, I need to catch up sometimes and haven't fully let go. Equally, I find it hard to imagine us 'married' again. There has been a lot of water under the bridge after all..


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Well - not a dickie bird from H today...

I do feel more detached than I was in that I can look at it and say to myself - well, this shouldn't surprise you all that much Toots. And this evening, I havent been angry, or even annoyed. Just a little exasperated I guess. Why apologise for not replying, say you will do it the next day then don't? Fact is, I hadn't mentioned the lack of reply in the first place.

Oh well, I guess we will get there at some point - patience Toots....


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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(((((Toots)))))


M:44, W:46, S:10
M 13 years, T 15
BD:23/7/2014
W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014
My new place: 21/11/2014
W/S back to flat 22/11/2014
W coming closer, talking 4/2015
Piecing 5/2015
Moving in again 6/2015
edz #2553480 04/02/15 12:04 PM
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Thanks for the hug Edz....

Well, today I decided that's enough of 'waiting' to hear from H. I did that for a day and it was horrible. I'm not moping around waiting to get an email. I decided I can't do much about the fact that - for whatever reason - he hasn't been in touch.

But I can work on the fact that I'm 'waiting' to hear from him. So, I'm just trying to get back in the 'moving forward' frame of mind. He may be in touch tomorrow. He may not be in touch for a month. Either is fine. I decided keeping busy is the way to go.

Couldn't log on for work this morning. My remote access expired at the end of March. So, I did a supermarket shop, then went to a coffee shop and did some studying. Just making 'soup from scratch' for lunch. Then more study and a couple of hours at the bookstore at the end of the day. Feeling better within myself anyway....

Nice and sunny here, which helps. Hope you guys are all having a good day :-)


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2553482 04/02/15 12:08 PM
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Your so amazingly strong. You're just AWESOME.


Me: 35 husband:39
Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage
Twins 5 (boy/girl)
Daughter 3
Affair bomb 2/27/14
He moved in with ow 3/13/14
OW kicked him out 6/15/14
4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction



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Hi Toots

you're welcome for the hug.

Battleship grey again here today but the mood is resiliant ever since my issues at the end of last week and the begining of this!

Wont derail your thread though, I'll post an update later.

I'd say, as always, thats the right attitude though Toots, keep a tootling smile


M:44, W:46, S:10
M 13 years, T 15
BD:23/7/2014
W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014
My new place: 21/11/2014
W/S back to flat 22/11/2014
W coming closer, talking 4/2015
Piecing 5/2015
Moving in again 6/2015
edz #2553500 04/02/15 01:04 PM
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It is indeed a lovely sunny day for spending in places much less useless than a waiting place. When your not waiting good things may cone your way.

I accidentally made soup from scratch the other day. I over blitzed a casserole. Still tasty though.


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
jim0987 #2553644 04/02/15 08:28 PM
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Twin, thanks for the vote of confidence - that's very kind. And Edz & Jim, thanks for the moral support. Jim, I've had a few soups that were meant to be stews and vice versa :-)

Well, a pleasant enough day for me. Better than yesterday that's for sure. To be honest, I still struggle a bit with these promises of - I need a week to think - then not getting back to me. And - I'll email you - and then no email... I know H is taking SS off on a trip over Easter, so it's possible he may just head off for a week without getting in touch. It just bugs me and I can feel myself getting cross again as I write.

But I know that me dwelling on this - and waiting for contact is a cheeseless tunnel. There's no point moping about it, I can only move forward. But it's a work in progress, and I do feel somewhat frustrated, and wanting to mind read...

But then I tell myself, it's no big deal in the context of the whole sitch. Things will unfold over time and work out as they will. There's no point me agonising about it.

So, I think I'm getting there....bookstore GAL again for me tomorrow. Had a nice afternoon there today :-)


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2553689 04/02/15 10:12 PM
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Toots,

You're one of the most inspirational people on this board. I know that may be no small comfort since you're still waiting in limbo for an answer from you H. If I may let me say this: you already have an answer. You show here in your posts that you are an incredibly strong and resilient person and you will be fine regardless of what happens and you will be happy again in the future - with or without H. I do hope you get whatever you want from all of this.

Alpha


BD - 30TH JAN 2015
S - 30TH JAN 2015
PA CONFIRMED - 16TH FEB 2015 (SINCE AT LEAST OCT 2014)
CONTINUAL TALK OF D
ME: 31
W: 28
T: 10yrs
M: 4.5yrs
D:5, S:6
alpha99 #2553699 04/02/15 10:27 PM
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Toots

Lady in waiting.

Go GAL, becomeToots who is becoming.

A watched kettle never boils, an awaited email never comes!

((((((Easter Egg))))))))

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Hi Toots,

Please, don't beat yourself over your feelings. It's amazing how well you deal with all this stress. You have been doing great and is the inspiration for us all. So, like our friend Mozza says, it's OK to feel down on yourself, to cry and feel sad once in a while.

You are not made of steel, and you are such kind person, gentle and sensitive, it's natural you feel the pain on your sitch.

You love this man and would like that the nightmare would just stop and that you two could talk and at least give a chance.

Unfortunately, it really feels like your H is pretty much into a deep fog, and that's why he can't answer. His fears are prompting him to stay away and in silence.

He is not ready to recommit to the M, he is fearful, indecisive about what kind of R would it be. In the same time he probably don't want to say he is done, because deep inside he is also afraid he will be trowing away something valuable and he will regret later.

To tell the truth you are probably in a better place then he is now. He made a mess of his life, he got himself in some roller coaster without a end line. He is unhappy, insecure, feeling like crap.

In my opinion, if you let go and feel the pain, empty the tear jar... then, it goes away, you feel better and is willing to laugh, dance, feel good. It's amazing what it does to us, when we don't rule our feeling as much, we get free of all the chains of right or wrong.

Let it be, and then let it be happy. You know my story, I have been making mistake after mistake, but I also learned one or two things. And I learned from Mozza that it is OK to cry.

I hope that your H gets to his senses and give you guys a chance to try. It's said that many R gets better and even stronger after a break up.

You are a strong woman, you know that it will be done only when you want it to be done, until then there is a lot of rocks to turn. Pick yourself up after the whole moping, don't feel guilty for being a person that feels love, because even in pain it's a better feeling then hate.

I love you a lot, I am praying for all your dreams to come true and that tomorrow will always be a better day.

If I can do it, you can probably start a college class and be the professor.

Love,
Pink


Pink17
S22,19 and 16
D:8/5/2015



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Toots, I've been too self absorbed with my own sitch to post here. Sorry you're struggling a bit at the moment. I get it! V and Pink have offered wise words that I can't better in my current state of mind. I wish you peace and strength to deal with what ever does or does not come.


H 37 Me 36
Together 15 years
Married 5 years
No kids
BD Apr 2014
H moved out 2 Jun 2014
gan #2553962 04/03/15 06:25 PM
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Hi Toots I can't say more than the ladies and gents above. You are so kind and caring to everyone on this site. It's easy to see you are a great person and if your H doesn't make his mind up he will be the loser in the kong run. Thanks for being Toots. You have helped me more than you know. Take care. Rd xxx

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Thanks so much for the vote of confidence my lovely DB friends. You are very kind, and I do appreciate it...

Well, it's Saturday morning here, and Mum comes home from respite today. I'll go with Dad this morning and pick her up. It's always nice to see her back at home again. This afternoon, I'm GALing at the bookstore, which I always enjoy.

I'm kicking myself a little this weekend. Generally, I'm pretty busy with work, GAL, social things, but I didn't really plan ahead too well for the long weekend and it's a quietish one for me. A couple of my usual things not going ahead and friends are away etc.

And of course this has coincided with no response from H, which is unfortunate. None of this is desperately awful, but it has impacted on my PMA to an extent. Tomorrow, I'm going to cook Easter lunch for the parents, and I'm looking for a good activity on the Monday. I may see if there are any more Ceroc things going on....

As for H, well he and SS may well have gone for a transatlantic family visit now and I don't expect I'll hear from him for a little while. As I posted on Gan's thread, I do feel some of my love and respect draining away. And recent events just add to that. Will I get to the point that I really don't want to reconcile and then become extremely attractive as Starsky suggests?

Next week should be interesting. I have a meeting with two people from Relate about setting up this possible infidelity support group....I'll keep you posted.

Just realise I need to dash...being picked up in an hour...have a good day all x


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2554240 04/04/15 07:59 PM
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Hi Toots! I am finally getting around to checking in on everyone and I just wanted to reiterate what everyone above has said. You seem like such an open, caring, giving person and your H is the loser if he doesn't see that. I think, from what I gather between your posts and your comments on mine, that our sitches are very similar in some ways.

You amaze and inspire me every time I read your posts and your comments and I thank you for being part of my DB family that is helping me find my way again.

Keep on keeping on, sister! You are amazing! smile Oh and thanks for your wonderful comments on my recent post. I appreciate your input and your compliments. It is all you fine DB folks who have helped me to find my way back to the person I am rediscovering.


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
Dawn70 #2554374 04/05/15 10:32 AM
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Toots

H is somewhat middle of centre on the hold his options open.

If it were me I would just go "c'est la vie" and "je ne sai quoi!"

Have a really great Easter, enjoy the eggs!

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Hi Toots. Hope all ok. Take care. Rd. xx

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I look forward to hearing how you turned the weekend around, Toots wink


H 37 Me 36
Together 15 years
Married 5 years
No kids
BD Apr 2014
H moved out 2 Jun 2014
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Thanks for posting guys. I did have a nice weekend actually. Ended up being pretty busy with a combination of spending some QT with Mum & Dad, and volunteering at the book store. Having some lovely weather today helps too.

I had a couple of moments of feeling a bit wistful, but made myself get up and go off for a walk - and the moment passed. I'm pretty sure H & SS will be away visiting family now, so doubt I'll hear anything for a week or so. But I suspect when he's back, he'll want us to get the house on the market, so we'll have to agree what we're doing.

I'm off to see my sister for lunch tomorrow and then work and hopefully Ceroc GAL Wednesday.....T x


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2554723 04/06/15 08:37 PM
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Hi Toots,

Glad you had a good weekend and the fact that you had nothing planned shows everything will be alright - even the weather smile

The relate thing should be interesting, I take it that's the thing you mentioned a while back to follow the thing in London?? Hopefully it goes well.


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
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Hi Toots. I hope your ok. Re the relate project Great your being so proactive.

Take care. Rd xx

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Hi Jim and RD, thanks for posting. Yes, the Relate thing is a possible support group for people affected by infidelity. It would be similar to the group I went to in London. Need to do a bit more work before I meet with them on Thursday, but they seem interested and I'm happy to help with setting up. I'll keep you posted.

Lovely weather again here. Drove up to meet my sister near Manchester for some lunch with her, niece and nephew - very nice day. Working tomorrow and planning to go to Ceroc again in the evening.

Still nothing from H. And THB, I'm enjoying the peace and quiet for now. I suspect when H is back, he'll want to move forward with things, so that may be more stressful again - but for now it's good to know that he's away and I'm unlikely to hear anything for a little while....

Hope you guys are having a good day. Thanks for your support and encouragement - I really appreciate my 'virtual' friends on this forum. xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Glad you had a good weekend. I have those wistful moments too, so I definitely feel you there. I try to roll with them as best I can. Just keep taking care of Toots. I totally identify with what you said about how it will be stressful when he comes back and I lived through that, so all I know to tell you is take care of yourself and stick to your guns. Rooting for you, my friend!


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
Dawn70 #2555125 04/07/15 09:19 PM
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Was it you, Toots, who used the analogy of being in the middle of a cyclone? Been through one side, know the other side will pass over at some point but don't know when? I always thought that was a great analogy. Sounds like you are still in the eye of the storm and making the most of it. Good for you.


H 37 Me 36
Together 15 years
Married 5 years
No kids
BD Apr 2014
H moved out 2 Jun 2014
gan #2555184 04/08/15 01:10 AM
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Hi Sunshine,

Sorry for not posting for awhile, the kids and I are in the middle of the Mountains of Colorado. WiFi is a luxury here.

So Toots, no mind reading please. You know it's not very good to anticipate any event, much less when it something you can't control and do not have any idea of why your H is dragging himself to take a decision that by the way it should be an easy one if he is not holding anything inside himself.

It is an annoying situation you are at, but don't let your fears to get the best of you. Remember that it is not all done, it's not all finished. It may be well the start of a new cycle.

During the time that you are S from your H, you met your SS and XW twice I think. Maybe SS will talk to him about you, maybe he will tell that he likes you and miss spending more time with you. Who knows, everything is possible.

Congrats on taking good care after your Mom and Dad, it's so amazing that you give so much love for them.

Please, remember always that you are a nice person and deserve good people in your life. You probably had your down moments during your M, you let go and maybe could have done many things better.

But you are 50% responsible, if not less. Your H is also responsible for a dull R that led you here. And he may need to do a lot more thinking than you, since this is the 2nd R that does not work well for him.

Do you have any idea if he is getting some help, like an IC?

It would be great if he could treat himself and see things a little more clear.

Keep being positive, don't forget he fell in love with you once and he still have some if not a lot of that love inside him yet. It's not too late, it will be too late only when you decide it's time to let go and move on.

We love Toots...

Pink


Pink17
S22,19 and 16
D:8/5/2015



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Toots,

Yes, we are sisters and maybe one day we will hug like sisters, no matter if we will be back with our Hs or not. I trust you and care about you.

That is a good feeling among sisters.

Love,
Pink


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D:8/5/2015



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Morning Toots

Hadnt popped in for a few days but had been catching up on your posts. Sounds like H is mulling things over, I think you're completely right to just keep on keeping on.

You know my sitch and I still have to fight the "come on, come on aknowledge what you want to do" feeling even talking with w frequently, sometimes its like a tug on your emotions to have a clear idea if they want that direction or not. Being able to say, ok we'll see what happens there meantime I'm getting on with..... is the key it seems, sometimes I do it better than others you seem to be very good at it with the positive way you channel your energies keep on keeping tootling smile

Hope all is well and you've had some of this nice weather, we have a bit of cloud down here today but mostly nice sunshine.

Take it easy Toots smile

Edz


M:44, W:46, S:10
M 13 years, T 15
BD:23/7/2014
W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014
My new place: 21/11/2014
W/S back to flat 22/11/2014
W coming closer, talking 4/2015
Piecing 5/2015
Moving in again 6/2015
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Dawn, thanks for your kind comments. It helps to know someone feels the same way Gan - yes that was me. Glad you liked that one!

Pink, I'm glad to hear from you - I was getting a little concerned there sister. Edz, thank you. I'm not sure if H is mulling over, or avoidant, or just forgot, or just enjoying the holiday.....or whatever else. Best not to wonder and keep on as you say. I try to just keep the 'forward' button pressed. Thanks for saying I seem good at it. I don't always feel good at it. Maybe I just try to present myself that way.

Woke up a bit out of sorts this morning. I may be a bit worried about new Ceroc class, the Relate thing tomorrow, H back soon. I'm not sure. But I feel a bit unsettled and jittery somehow. No doubt it will pass.

Well, the job has been advertised today, so I need to get on with my application...

Have a good afternoon my friends....:-)


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Hi Toots , best of luck with application. I think we all portray strength at times but you found out about OW and were gone. That takes huge strength and real character. I'm sure you don't always feel the strength but from the outside looking in , it's there to see. If you didn't wonder or worry about your H you would have truly detached and some other lucky guy would have the pleasure of having you in his life It might not mean much but knowing there are ladies like you Out there gives me great hope of being happy again thanks for being Ttoots. Take care. Rd. xx

rd500 #2555726 04/09/15 07:16 PM
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RD, what a betrayal... saying all these nice words about having hope and so... with my sister Toots. Gosh, even here we need to DB.

Toots... hope everything goes well with the application. As I understand it is just logistics for now because the job is yours either way.

It's never too much to say that you are a very important inspiration for many of us. You have self respect and a lot of strength in you. I really envy your self control.

Hope your H had some time to think about things while in vacation with his S.

Keep the good spirits Toots, we know you can do it. Try to get those awful feelings out somehow. Then get your balance back and keep doing what is best for Toots.

Take care,
Love,
Pink


Pink17
S22,19 and 16
D:8/5/2015



Pink17 #2555745 04/09/15 07:50 PM
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RD, thanks so much for your kind words. Your post made me cry a little. And Pink, thanks to you too - I'm always so pleased to hear from you. You are both very kind. Pink - I hope you and I aren't doing the pick me dance??

I do feel better today thanks - and gosh I've been busy. Danced last night which was fun, but a late night. Had the meeting today with Relate. They may be interested in setting up an infidelity support group. They were very positive and interested and said they would come back to me by the end of this month.

Then I went to book club, then volunteered at the bookstore. Thought I was in for a quiet evening, but Dad called and asked me to come over. One of Mum's carers has her S in hospital today and couldn't come tonight. Arrived to find a big problem on Dad's laptop - adware that was hard to remove (managed eventually after 2 hours.) Plus Mum wouldn't stand up so we could help her into bed for ages. Again, managed in the end, and finally home with a glass of wine!

Hope my lovely DB pals are all doing okay xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sotto #2555778 04/09/15 09:29 PM
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Hey Toots,

Catching up with you, it looks like we are somewhat in same boat - I'm waiting any day for my H to get 'er done. It's hard. I admire your consistency and attitude.

How do you feel about it lately? Will you welcome it, the relief, if and when he filed? Do you wish for your H anymore (sans OW) or is that a level of detachment you've reached?


Mid 30's
Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH
D 9/15; NC forever on

You can't DR your way out of abuse.



Zelda09 #2555894 04/10/15 11:14 AM
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Hi Toots,

Hope you are hanging in there. These days are a torture for you and you need to be gentle with yourself and do not spend too much energy thinking of what would be.

I know it is easier said then done, but hopefully you are being our Toots, strong and dynamic. Taking good care after herself.

And by the way. I am so proud of you... helping your Mom and Dad the way you do. I am always so happy to read the things you do for them. I shows how much character you have, how good a person you are.

Hope things are going well with you job application. It will be good for you. Keep us posted.

Love,
Pink


Pink17
S22,19 and 16
D:8/5/2015



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